Christmas Fun & The night after

  So let's see what I can tell everyone about my Christmas. Let's just say I got the most amazing gift in the world and then some. I got to talk to my sweetheart. Now I know I talk a lot about my partners & how they work a lot. Well Christmas started early for me. Starting with My Wild Fire and I talking a few days before Christmas. I find that Christmas this year was better than all the years before.

  I love a lot of men in my life and admit to that and the best gift of all is when I get to talk to them. I love them a lot and the best gift to date from them from all of them is just being able to chat with them. My mother has a thing of saying it's not real unless you are face to face. She's wrong so very very wrong. This is the third perhaps Christmas I've spent "Together" With my Sweetheart but yet Apart. It hurts but I love him. It's the third Christmas I spent apart from three of the partners I have and the second for some and the very first for some of my other partners BUT, it never gets any easier but it does get better.

  Each year around New Years I tell myself this is the last New Years I'll spend away from them. Yet, I never seem to make that happen. Well this year I'm not vowing that I am making it happen. This is the very Last New Years I am spending apart from my partners. Not because it's my wish BUT, because I am determined for it to be so.


  Okay I got off on one of my rambles but Christmas was good for my blood family and I until around 7:30 in the evening when someone just so happened to start fighting and yelling. My Lil Bro got a pool table the small portable ones damn is it fun! LOL. So I spent most of my Christmas playing pool with My Lil Sis and my Lil Bros, Both of them what a hellish day. We ate soon after the presents were opened and I was stuffed by the time the fighting started and I just couldn't be bothered to fight or argue.

  I hadn't been online all day and decided to see how Vic and everyone else's Christmas had gone that I could get a hold of. ~Snickers~ Oh the best present from my family I got was from My Big Bro Vic. I love his writing I love reading whatever he is posting up and most importantly I love him dearly. I'm going to say this. If he asked me what I would have wanted it would have been asking for his Christmas story for the Tate Pack. I loved it! More importantly it was one gift that I wasn't expecting. (I got my daily dose of reading in and I gotta say it was damn fine reading!)


Okay, so the night after was a bit more depressing and saddening because I was running on empty by the time 6:30 of the 26th rolled around. Needless to say down the road there was a fire a trailer had caught fire by someone or something. I have to say I think someone started the fire. Needless to say that is why I've been gone until today. The fire knocked out the phone and internet until today. The phone company came out for two days and worked on it until today wow it's FIXED! The people who were moving into that trailer are fine they weren't there when the fire started nor did they come back until the next day. They did however lose a lot of their things but thank gods they didn't lose their lives.


  So everyone here is A-Okay. I'm fine the people down the road are fine and all is well in the world let's just hope that my New Years is amazing. (No drinking for me Thank you very much!) I'm just going to relax and stay up with the lil sis talking and also getting on MSN and talking to family and friends and MY PARTNERS! New Years is my time to wish them the best for 2012 and a Very Happy New Year's!



Don't worry I'm a bit UP in cheer right now I can't wait until the New Year nor can I wait to start writing again. 2012 is going to be the BEST year for me, for my friends, for my family, AND for my partners. I can feel it!!!!

Chirstmas Around the Corner

  So everyone knows that Christmas is just around the corner. I'm trying hard to find something to do to hide away from my blood family for the day. (Trust me I'm not ready to be fighting on a special day!) So let's see since it's going to be christmas soon I thought about all the things I wanted and I can honestly say it's small list this year.


List....
1. I want my adopted family happy for the next year
2. I want my friends to have a great new year a head of them
3. I want to find a violin (I love to work on music and that is the instrument of my choice.)
4. I want to be happy with my partners and talk to them on Christmas and New Years
5. I want to move to Tennessee this coming New Year

Not to much to wish and hope for is it? Nah it's really short and World Peace and End World Hunger isn't on there because I want that every year!

4 Reasons Why..........& A long bitchy story

Alright so I know I might have worried a few people with being away for quite a few days. I'm going to give a list of reasons why.


1. Ex-roommate (Oh yes I said EX)
2. I need some time to chill out from those problems
3. I don't want to take things out on others
4. I have limited computer time on my mother's desktop (She has college work needless to say for the rest of this week.)

  Alright to address the first reason why I ain't been online posting to many comments. It was Dec. 2nd the day after I got the stuff I needed to get done for heat and what not and everything done. I wanted to check to see if I could fix my laptops charger and went over to my parents. I had it out in words with my roommate a few minutes before going up. Now I did go back down to get some clothes about 2 pm EST. The door was locked FROM the inside. I knocked and knocked and got fed the hell up. (No key to unlock the door for any of us. The EX-roommate was inside anyways.) I went down to that little country store we have in my little small town. That was around 4 PM EST. I came back and went down again to get me some clothes. Can you guess were this is going. Door locked no answer from inside.


  Now I have a temper a really big temper. I came back up to my parents and grabbed one of those small hammers that a strong man could break. I went back down and knocked louder and again no answer. What do you think I did? ~Evil grin~ I'm a bitch...There WAS glass on the front door and when I got no answer I smashed the damn glass so I could get in. THAT was when the ex-roommate heard me. I find it absolutely idiotic that she heard glass breaking but couldn't hear me knocking quite loudly. She had jumped up and instantly started cussing me. Oh no no no no no no that is the biggest no no when I am already mad as hell about not getting to where everything I own is at.

  She is cussing me and telling me I had no right and said she wanted the cops called. This is about the time my mother gets down there. (I did have permission to break the window before doing it. My parents are the one that rent the place to begin with!) I still have the hammer in my hand and getting cussed and my temper is not in check. So I turn around and start cleaning up my mess getting all that glass out of the window of the door and she cussing me every breath. I am not fond of being yelled at and not fond of people telling me what I would and would not do if someone else was there. My father wasn't home and nither was the ex-roommate's boyfriend. Like I told her "Oh yes I would and I'll tell them both when they get back that I did it and why." I HATE being locked out of my place. She over stepped the boundaries by talking about me and my BIG pussy. ~Takes deep breath~ Oh yeah one I haven't had anything and won't until I move to Tennessee so one that was a hell "Bitch you are one to talk about BIG pussy...." But I didn't say anything I bit my tongue and turned and started doing what I was. (Hammer still in hand! Idiot! Don't insult a woman who has a weapon and will USE IT!)

  Pat, a friend from up the road stopped and the ex-roommate is screaming at her to call the police. At this time I am so fed up with her yelling I make sure Pat can hear me and say "Pat, don't worry you don't have to call the cops I will." I walked up to my parents house and dialed 911 and stayed at my parents house and held my niece to calm down fully. (Surprisingly she fell asleep in my arms and I was calmer.) Cops did come and asked me the problem and I told them. The ex-roommate was told that I had every right to be able to get into my home and to my things.

  Now I don't mind being told I ain't allowed to eat her food. I don't mind that I was told not to sit on her things. I don't mind that she was talking behind my back when I went down there to get some of my things after the cops left. I just could give a fuck less what she thinks of me. BUT, what I do mind is people who over step clear boundaries....My partners, My Love Life, Even my private parts are not something ANYONE needs to talk about or use to insult me. If you're grown enough to run your mouth at least be grown enough to know what you say. I am very evil when it comes to getting what I need done. I held it in and didn't hit her. But, I still had to go back the next day to get the REST of my belongings.



Dec. 3rd
   Don't think for a minute that I was going to wait for everything to blow over. I paid my fair share of rent and I had every right to go into that place. I waited until near dark because they were out doing gods knows what. I think that I would rather not know one little bit. I was going to let my father handle it but I needed to get everything that I owed so I went down to. No sooner than walking in she is ordering my father to tell me to get out? Can anyone say INSTANT pissed off mood! Kitty Kat was out and claws where sharp. If she had STAYED out of my face. She'd of been A-okay. I took so much of her yelling in my face before shoving her out of my face.

  She swung on me. Now I don't know about anyone else but, with me it is the biggest mistake in your life to swing at me even once. I've had to fight for 10 years to keep myself safe and unharmed. (Not always possible mind you but still.) She connected with my chest and I was more pissed off than before. Face okay hit me in the face that's alright but you won't get away with it. Hit me in the chest and I'm going to go for the other person's face not the chest. That is what I did. Now hair grabbing and pulling in a fight is a HELL NO. A big do not do it when I am fighting someone. She pulled my hair. I punched her all that much harder before yanking her hair to force her to let go. I am normally a sweet down to earth woman but, get on my bad side and you throw the first punch and I won't be so sweet.

  I don't know what it is with people getting in the middle of two fighting women but her boyfriend got in the middle. We had four rounds and she said something about my men AGAIN! I took it once but I'd be damned if I was going to take it more than that once. I pounced again. I am not one bit sorry I won't be sorry I don't regret it. She asked for every bit of what I gave to her. She screaming that we always treated her badly? Ding round three was on it's way to being up against her indian knick knacks. She grabbed the hair AGAIN! For gods sake I hate a bitch who can't fight with fists and has to grab hair to fight. I had it all I had was my fists and she wanted to grab hair alright then I'll show her who was the one coming out on top.

  After that round she tried to hit my mother. I know I don't like my mother but, when she wasn't even doing anything nobody is going to go after her. I shoved her into the kitchen and away from my mother and me. Now I said I didn't have any weapons but my fists well she picked up an old time cast iron skillet those really heavy ones. My sister walked in at just the right time to grab her around the arms when I had my back turned. I grabbed the skillet and tossed it back into the kitchen and swept her feet out from under her. I was getting tired of this idiot and just went to get my things. My father just let us fight it out. Tim..the ex-roommate's boyfriend was outside because he couldn't handle it. All I went down there for was my things. I got a lot more than that.

  I know this is a bad side of me but, honestly I don't know how to back down when someone is coming at me and screaming in my face and being warned I won't take it much longer. I was fair I didn't pick anything up on her to hit her with. All I hit her with were my fists. I am so tired of finding that people can be cruel when all you ever tried to do was do things that they asked of you. I cooked for her and watched her act like a child most nights with her man. I watched that very same man walk out the door to calm down after she had treated him poorly. Yet, I was the one who had done everything wrong in her eyes. I was the one who was lying. I don't think so. I put up with many many things in my life BUT, that is not one of them.

  I am always honest no matter what I do. I try every day to get up and smile. I would rather be happy than handle a 39 year old baby! Who when she doesn't get her way throws a fit and goes to her room to scream and pout and act like it's all someone elses fault but her own. I was raised to be respectful to people older than me. I learned that when the ones older than you don't give respect that they should not get it. Because they take advantage of you once you give them respect and an ounce of power. Not everyone is like that but some that I have met really are like that. I can't handle 25 and up adults acting like they want everyone to do everything for them. That isn't how the world works. You have to do things for yourself and stand on your own. It's nice when you can say that you can and that you don't have to do it all alone though.

  I want to have everything in order and right. I don't need to be treated like I'm a doormat and I won't be treated like that. I think everyone should know that. I can be sweet and kind and loving. Just never go to hit me and everything will be fine. Treat me the way you wish to be treated and I'll treat you the same. We all put our close on the same way. One leg at a time and one arm at a time.

Lists

  Interests.....
1. Reading
2. Writing
3. Drawing
4. Twitter
5. Blogs
6. Blogging
7. Spending time with my Partners
8. Painting
9. Poems
10. Writing poems & Stories




Fav. Authors
1. Vic!!!!!!
2. Nora Roberts
3. J K Rowling
4. Fern Michaels
5. A lot of others lol


Top three things about me to know
1. I love hard
2. I am a bit of a bitch when fucked with
3. I love to write poems & Stories && short stories


Fav. Music artist.
1. Lady GaGa (Yes I'm a bit of a fan!)
2. Pink
3. Black Eyed Peas
4. Beyonce
5. George Michael
6. Elton John (A little bit not to much anymore)
7. Shaina Twain
8. Toby Keith
9. Nelly (Sometimes)
10. Honestly I enjoy a lot of artists to a certain point.


Top Six types of music I listen to
1.Country
2. Pop
3. Rock & Roll
4. Rap
5. R & B
6. Hip Hop


  You see most times I don't know what to say so lists are the best things to do for me. I love music, I love art, I LOVE to write, I LOVE to read, and I love and enjoy a lot of other things.

Trusting...Real Life vs. Online

  Alright I have problems trusting people in real life. Yeah sure I'm always up to meeting new people in real life. Always ready to take on the toughest parts of my real everyday life but, trusting someone really trusting them with everything I have is hard.

  At first, when I wrote about my roommate and her boyfriend I said everything was going great. Until I found out that the roommate told something to My mother that was PRIVATE. Just between her and I. Excuse me bitch mood here but, I have to say it.

  When you are TRUSTED with INFORMATION that a person doesn't want THEIR PARENT knowing about YOU DO NOT under ANY way betray that trust!

  What is this over well I didn't want my mother knowing how many partners I had. Excuse me for living but, she DOESN'T need to be in the business of my fucking love life! Thta is why it is MY LOVE LIFE!!!

  I have that little problem of trust in real life because of a roommate before this one telling my mother EVERYTHING. I thought an older roommate wouldn't betray that trust. I was very oh so very wrong.

  Let's go into a bit of detail here on this. My roommate is 39 nearing 40 years of age. She's been around the block has five kids and three ex-husbands. I told her little things at first and my mother never came out with any of it. Now when I started borrowing her laptop after my laptop's screen busted she had no problem with it. Or so I thought.

  I was wondering how my mother would know the EXACT number of partners I had since the last time I spoke to her about them it was about 4 less than what it is today. I don't trust my mother, I don't trust my father. I DID however trust my roommate with information that would and could harm me if my mother was ever told. So when my mother says " Oh I hear you have_____ men now." (Sorry I trust yall but I don't want yall thinking badly of the number.) I was like WTF!?!?!?!?!?! Okay, so my mind goes through the only people to know that information. There is myself, my partners, my roommate and her boyfriend. My mother says my roommate told her. Is she lying? I don't think she is.

  Trust is improteant to me both in real life and online. I trust my friends online more than I do the people that are face to face with me constantly. Why? Because they can't lie straight to my face. Yeah people can still lie to me BUT if they do at least they ain't looking me in the eyes when they lie to me. Most of my online friends and family know about my partners and know how many I have. They don't put me down for it and they don't say that I am "Going against god."

  So online vs real life trusting. I trust more people online then I do face to face. The people I meet online don't try to make me feel bad about myself. Matter of fact they uplift me, support me, love me, care for me, and all around they are there for me no matter what I am going through.

  I know Ivan and Milo are busy but Iv has been checking on me for the past few weeks making sure I am okay. Making sure I ain't lost it due to my stress in real life. He's a big brother to me and he's one of the best.

  Vic loves and supports me even though he is so busy with his own life. He's an amazing big brother as well.

  Matt is a sweetheart of a little brother. I love and trust him Even with the most private things about myself.

  Brad is also the sweetheart little brother I have.I trust love and care about him a lot. He's never judged me and I am pretty sure he never will.

  Sid is family as well. I don't talk to him much these days BUT, he is still family.

  You see family even though it's through a computer I trust with heart and soul. They don't judge me and they don't care what is going on in my life as long as I am okay and safe and feeling alright. They only ask of me what I ask of them. Love, support, trust,  a little time to understand, Trust, caring, And SUPPORT! (I know support is in there twice it's because it is important. and Trust is as well. But it's ALL important!)



  Perhaps this is a bitchy post but I think trust is very important and I won't say I am sorry for saying what I did because I mean it. The trailer I live in is mine when it's paid off by my father. (That surprised the hell out of me but I think he doesn't want anyone else but, family living in the three trailers.) I don't want to live in that trailer for the rest of my life BUT, it's still mine. I've come close to saying something to my roommate tonight BUT you know what it's not even worth fighting over. She just lost my trust and she can't gain it back not after all the bithing she did to my mother and what she told to my mother. My personal life when it comes to my blood family is just that PERSONAL. It's not so much to ask for that someone give me the trust that I put in them. Oh wait she says I "Disappointed her." Okay perhaps this is a small bitchy thing to but she BETRAYED my trust and me! So her disappointment can be shoved up her ass. I do every fucking thing she asks of me and yet this is how I am repaid? My mother gets told something about my personal life and I am supposed to just forget about it right? WRONG!!!


  Okay I think my bitching is done hope it doesn't make any of you mad I don't want that I just needed a place to vent and give some shout outs to my family that I love that are all over this world!  Send me an email sometime Family I kinda just need some time away from myself but I'll answer some emails and blog a little bit.


  I think tomorrow I'll put up some lists that are important to me. (Some may be repeats Sorry!) I think I need a little bit of a uplifting post rather than a downer one. So I think that is what I'll do tomorrow night. At some point since I can only get on at night unless I go over to my parents and use there screen to get on my own laptop. (Which I did tonight! Thank you very much.) So talk to you later or well type at yall laters I think I am going to go hit the hay in another 20 minutes and just try to chill. (Yes I know I have to go back over to my trailer just fucking peachy.Not really.)

Mini Monday

  Alright so I've been slacking just a tad bit on posting here. I've been keeping to myself emailing peoples and talking to my partners.

  I've had a rough couple weeks. Been trying to keep the cold away and failing. Dealing with things that only a couple people know about. Trying hard not to think about it and deal with everything else. I remember that my big brother Vic told me once to take the day off because of all the stress. I did and this go around I took more than a day off to cope and deal with everything.


  It's nothing against anyone I just needed a bit of a break and a bit of time to myself to think and write and come to terms with everything. I'll post some things later on that is kinda an update and some lists during the week perhaps I haven't decided.

Songs that make me cry (Also a picture of me and my niece something nice and sweet)

  I've been away I know. I have had a lot of things going on in my life. I am trying to keep my mind off of it all. These songs oh yes make me cry and there are others that make me cry as well but I don't want to put to many.






     Update picture gone sorry. I took a leap there. Hair was a mess but I didn't give a flying damn i wanted to hold my niece. hehe.

The day before today.

  When you have known a boy for as long as I have you'd never think that the very same boy could make you uncomfortable in anyway shape or form. WRONG! I was so totally wrong.

  The boy is honestly a man of 21 years of age. nearing 22 years of age. I can't get this out of my head. He wanted me to sleep with him and he wouldn't take "Go to hell." for an answer. Before I get to ahead of myself. THANK GODS my roommate was in the house with me and him. I think honestly that was the only thing stopping him from trying more than being an annoying ass. I was scared though and uncomfortable. I was shaking by the time my roommate's boyfriend got off of work. I mean yeah I'm 20 but, I'm with my partners lock stock and barrel as the saying goes.

  When my roommate left to go somewhere she took me with her. She didn't leave me in the house with her boyfriend, the boy and another man by myself. She knew the boy was creeping me out and making me uncomfortable that much more. I've had to deal with this one other time from a different male. I was scared then as I was yesterday.

  I'm still scared because that very same boy is supposed to come back to help my parents over at their trailer. He freaks me dead the fuck out. I locked the door when my roommate and her boyfriend left for only 10 maybe 20 minutes because that boy was still here. YES, he did come back and YES he went away when I told him my roommate wasn't home. THAT still didn't make me comfortable because all the shit he had said before. I am an out-going person BUT I am also one who trusts as far as I can throw a person. (Which isn't far. This is face to face people I am with.) I trust online friends more than I trust a person face to face because I have been hurt before. Everyone may think. "Damn she has a lot of issues. Or damn she has a lot of uncomfortable moments." Well it comes with past and sometimes present things that happen to me. I try to hold my own fear in until people are away from me that make me uncomfortable.

  My mother and older sister laughed about the boy trying to "get into my pants." They thought it was funny. They would have thought it even funnier if I had chopped off his dick like I wanted to when he kept looking at me then nodding to my damn bedroom door! ~Takes a deep breath~ I don't find anything about what was going on funny. Why should anyone else? Why should they have thought it funny? I was scared for gods sake. Very scared and I did have a knife next to me while it all was going on so my roommate knew what I was thinking every time my hand reached for the knife. I am not aware what made this idiot even think about trying to "get into my pants" when I have told him I have partners!



  Males and females have to realize a few things. What you say to someone else anyone with anything. You have to take what they say and their body language into account. It's like this. If you are with someone and you wanted sexual contact and the other person was uncomfortable you'd know just by their body language. Taking every detail into account will save you a lot of trouble. Meaning what you say also is something people need to take into account.

  Alright now I think I can quit shaking for a while and go dance and sing to calm down. I'm still scared. I can admit it and writing this did help lessen the emotions building up inside myself and my mind off of other things.

Facts & Good News

  Alright so I thought about everything long and hard through the days and nights and found that most everyone that reads my blog I love to death! Not everyone though knows some big facts about me. So I'm going to share a few facts about me and some false ones to see if anyone can guess. (Have got to thank Ivvie from over at Ivan & Friends for his own facts about the bloggsters of his hehe.)

1. I was born in Ohio and raised there until I was about 18 (True or False)
2. I hate snakes & Spiders (True or false)
3. I love to sing & dance (True or False)
4. I hate to read (Easy one and I'll tel lyou the answer now that's false....I love to read.)
5. Barney the Purple Dinosaur was my hero growing up. (True or False)
6. I loved Barney as a child (True or False)
7. Ivvie is my adopted Big Brother (TRUE!! I'm going to just give yall that one)
8. I have adopted quite a few of my blogging friends at family (Again this is a given Truth)
9. I'm a blonde but I have red hair (True or false)
10. I am thinking about trying anal sex (true or false)
11. People think I am sweet yet I beg to differ with them (True or false)
12. I'm still a virgin (True or false)
13. I'll be 21 in February (Truth from hell)
14. I like to make sure people are okay even if I worry my ass off about them when they tell me they are fine (True or false)

Okay since I know some are true and I gave some of the answers perhaps next time I'll just make them harder these are easy and oh yeah SHE HAD THE BABY AND NOW I AM AN AUNT AGAIN!!!! LORDY LORD PLEASE HELP ME WITH THAT ONE!  Mini update...Baby weighed in at 9 pounds 10 ounces and is 21 inches long. What a DAMN big baby girl she had hmm??? Oh yeah I was flipping dead the fuck out on the poundage of the baby but you know what I told everyone that was important to me about the baby being born. So am I excited? A bit but that is subject to change when my sister gets home and bitches and whines about everything of that I am sure. Can't wait to see the baby though. (I am hoping and praying it has less of the baby daddy's features than it does of my sister's at least then hehe I can say she had a child that looks a lot like her. (Although the baby is a bit bigger than she was when she was born 19 years ago lol.)

Tuesday!

  I'm happy I get to sleep in a bed tonight!! It's been near two years since I slept in a good comfortable bed. No more sleeping on the couch or in the chair!! Whoooooo hoooooooooo!! My back is killing me though lifting so much today and my arms but hey it had to get done and it got done. Heating isn't a problem just need to get everything set up next week. Now I might get some decent rest for once in my life! Let us hope on that one. hehe.

  We'll see what happens and see how well I get along with my roommate/friend living together without my parents. Still got a little bit more cleaning to do but it looks great so far.

Monday Madness & Fun

  So Halloween jeez were has the time gone? I'll tell you were it's around and around and flies by. Can't wait until March and can't wait for things to get on up to where they need to be. I am so ready to get things started.

  So Monday Madness...Should tell you all I'm moving to the place about 100 feet away from my parents with my friend. She needs a place to stay and wants to get everything done. We spent the day cleaning it up. (I never want to see a single item of clothing that isn't mine or my partners AGAIN! I think we've at least bagged 10 to 15 bags of clothes out of the front room and other places as well. It sucks big time. You know what sucks even more. We are STILL not done! Talk about annoying and damn bad cleaning up someone elses mess is a pain but I've been doing it.

  The fun part about this day was getting to go out in decent weather and have a long talk with my soon to be roommate about everything going on. We're tired of living under my parents rooftop. Honestly, I'm tired of the state of Kentucky but, I can't do anything without Money nor can I move to Tennessee without it. I'm trying to get everything set up and done up so I will see. So far job hunting has turned up three jobs that I may be able to do. Let us hope and pray. I have my fingers crossed. Believe it or not I am NOT stressed out. I'm happier doing things that I never liked doing before. (Inside cleaning is my major weakness when it comes to cleaning BUT I love to cook! I'm weird I know it LOL.)

  I'm going to get going I need to finish the chilli I've got on the stove cooking away. Gods I need some Peanut butter! (Yummy for me is peanut butter and chilli HELL YEAHS!)

Running Around

  So most might notice that my posts are starting to look like I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I've had a stressful week and I'm trying to wind down from all that. I took one day off this week and it was alright for a while. I did get slapped though and my jaw is still sore on the other side of my face but, I'm not to worried about it because I know it'll be okay in another day or so.

  Anyways, reason I am away so much right now is for two reasons. One is trying to find a job and earn some cash flow and the second would be trying to relax. (Haha like anyone could relax in a place like this!) I am relaxing a little bit even if it's not as relaxed as I wish to be. I'm still trying to find a job but, hoping that everything will work out in due time. I just feeling like it's been going way to slow. I never thought I'd be out of work in less then a year's time and even then I mean I wasn't supposed to be out of work this year. But, that's nither here nor there either. I might be whining a tad bit about the whole job thing BUT, it's my blog I can whine if I want to right? I can bitch as much as I want to? I think anyways LOL.

  So recap of the week would be everything is going okay. I'm worried about the baby my sister is about to have. (Even though she treats me badly I still worry. It's like kicking a dog I think!) I've had some good days and some bad but, it's nothing out of my normal day. Hoping that the weekend (It's early in the morning here 3 AM to be on point.) will be A-okay and stress and worry free. (Except for my sister's baby coming this weekend ~Crosses fingers~ She is getting so damn annoying with her own whining that it's starting to make me whine! I mean dance and shake the baby loose already woman!) I know I'm mean ~Sticks tongue out at everyone~ Can't help it. I'm a tad bit insane. (You would be to if you had to put up with all the shit I go through on a daily bases.) I'm going to close for the night errr day err morning AH HELL whatever I'm just going to close this post for the time being and perhaps post something else tomorrow. Nighty night folks (GOOD MORNING!!)

Hellish Thursday

I've been trying to calm down from everything. Everyone has heard about my father and the issues surrounded by him. I'm in such a state of stress that I need to take a little time to think more than I have been and perhaps find a way to get a job before going to Tennessee. Everyone knows that is where my heart is and I'm not going to post what happened because it wasn't just towards me and I know I have someone who cares that lives with me but, it's not enough anymore. I'm tired and I am drained. Trying to stay as calm as possible but, sometimes that is not as easy as I would like. So I know most don't know that I've checked out a few places for rent and for sale just in case I made the trip. I am also looking into some jobs that are around there and I'm finding that Americorps might just be the best option for me. So far I'm not finding to much out on that end and perhaps I need to search a bit longer and make sure everything goes smoothly. I'm going to get going and search through the listings once more and see what all there is out there.

Thanking a Big Brother

I'm going to say this before thanking someone for this. I don't know how in the hell I found the strength the last weekend past to stop from cutting my wrist but, I did. Then I read Ivan's blog posts about his own struggles and I was like. He's so much older than I am and yet he's made it through so much more than I have been through. So thank you Iv, for posting your life up on your blog. It's really helped and so has the things from Milo and Cass and Issac. It's made me smile made me cry but, most of all it's saved my life.

   Iv, you and Milo are a packaged deal and here is what I want to say to that. I gladly accept that as truth and accept the deal because you both are amazing men. (Even when Milo is a grumpy ole puss.) I need all the big brothers and big sisters I can get and I have a good deal few big brothers and a couple big sisters. I also have a couple little brothers and sisters that I have adopted. I'm very very blessed to find people who understand and don't judge me.

Heart to Heart

  Now I'm not sure if most will understand this or not. Heart to Heart isn't about having a Heart to Heart with myself but, more of getting some things straight and putting it bluntly.

  I know for a fact my blood family hates me and doesn't accept me. They never will understand the love I have for my adopted family. Never understand why I truly love more than one man & Love the thought and need for a woman. They have never truly accepted me as their not so perfect Little girl or Big Sister. I don't understand why it is so hard to accept certain things about me.

  I have been thinking of killing myself since I was ten years old. It isn't something I normally talk about nor do I have a fondness to talk about it now honestly. But, I think people should understand this side of me just a little small bit.

  When I was ten years old I was touched by a family friend. I wrote about it once before of how it happened and why I never reported it. A couple months after this happened just before I turned 11 years of age I went out onto the rooftop from my bedroom window and looked down at the ground. I may not have jumped but, it was tempting to do so. As much as I have done to myself over the years I don't think I've ever truly let go of the past and I don't think I truly know how to let it go.

  I have taken pills, cut on myself, drank alcohol, smoked weed, thought about jumping from my bedroom window, thought about slitting my wrists, thought about taking a bottle of pills and never waking up again. All because of my past and the hurt it causes me still to this very day. I'm not perfect and I will never be perfect. The things I have thought about in my young life has caused harm to my partners to my adopted family. (Of three years nearing four now.) I have done a few things I am not so proud of. Perhaps it was pride and ego for some of the things. At times I am very insecure about my looks about my beauty about my worth to my partners that I have today. I double guess them and ask them things that get them fed up with me. Sometimes I think that they get so fed up they may leave and that scares me A LOT.

  I know most people will not understand my cutting and I'm going to tell how it first started, why I snapped my resolve of not giving into the dark thought of cutting, & why I finally did stop. I was 16 just came out to my parents not to long before this happened. I didn't do something that my father had told me to do I'm not sure exactly what it really was even to this day I can't remember what I was told to do that I didn't do. My mother came home to find every dish on the floor, paper, pots, pans, plates, cups, everything that was in the kitchen was on the floor either all in one piece or busted. My father had gotten so pissed off at everything that he had tossed everything from the table and deep freezer off onto the floor. He left in the car no sooner than my mother got back. At that time my room was downstairs where the computers for my schooling were at. My mother tossed a broken plate at me and I felt like I was to blame for everything and anything! I wasn't exactly thinking that first time I cut I saw my hand and arm had two cuts on it and I just thought "I want the pain to go away. I want to stop feeling like everything is my fault. I want to stop feeling like I'm not loved. I want my pain to be gone for a while."

  You know something the thoughts didn't exactly process until after I had cut into myself sixteen times into my arm and hand. I did this quite a few times with myself I did my age and thought I was a mistake to my parents. (I wasn't rational! Sometimes I am still not rational. Sometimes I think of cutting still.) I remember when I first woke up with the first set of cuts I ever gave myself. It hurt and I don't mean a dull pain that goes away when you ignore it long enough. They had already gotten infected because I didn't clean them. I didn't bother to think about cleaning them. I put on a long sleeved shirt and went to bed that night.

  I have never done well with pain until I started cutting into my left arm. It's never been anything other then my left arm and hand when I was cutting. Perhaps I should explain. I thought that the left side was the bad side and my right side was the good side. Does that make sense to you? I also thought that bleeding and the blood spilled was cleaning my "bad blood". I was so entirely wrong. I don't have "bad blood" I have a pure heart and soul just I am damaged by my past pains and past hurts and just my past. No one can truly understand me until they get to know me. When they do I get a bit clingy I guess but I love hard and love to the fullest possible.

  Again I am not perfect and I won't pretend to be. I have problems that run deeper than just the present it's the past that affects me and it has affected me in some bad ways and then also in some good ways. I know that the pain I have from my parents hitting me and also the pain of that family friend touching me is going to be apart of my past forever. I just have to come to terms with that and MOVE ON.

  I'm going to talk a little bit more about my family. I have one older sister that is a half-sister she's a real bitch to get along with. Hates all of us kids that isn't her full brothers and sisters. She talks about us like we're dogs and I've heard her when she talks about me. Now if she wants to talk shit about me that's her business and mine BUT, you want to talk shit and then your all nice up in my face. No I don't think so that doesn't fly with me. I've cut ties with her for that reason. She still talks trash about me but, that is fine I know who I am, what I am, and how I'll always be. If she's talking about me she's going to leave other people alone.

   My year or so younger sister that is with child. Lord, she has told me one to many times that she hates me. She used the baby she is carrying against me and she knows I mean truly KNOWS that I will bend to her will if it means I can see my lil niece when she is born. Well, no fucking more. I'm not going to pretend to be her bitch ass maid or slave just so I can see my lil niece and hold her. No I'm done trying to be nice to my sister just for that sake. Everything has gotten to the point I'm tired of hearing her hatred towards me I am so sick and tired of the baby being used against me. I am so tired of being told it's the pregnancy. FUCK THAT! A woman who knows what hurts people and has as big a mood swing as to tell your older sister that you won't be able to hold or see the baby if.....yadda yadda fucking yadda yadda. She's used that so much that the words don't even matter anymore. Now that rant is over.

  My younger brother that is 18 is someone that truly has hurt me deep and I am always praying will change his views. Sorry this may make people say WTF?!? My brother is one of the biggest BIGGEST homophobes I know. He doesn't like the fact I have gay friends or lesbian friends or well any friends from the BLGT community. He isn't someone I want my friends to ever have to deal with. I would never forgive myself if my brother tried to hurt one of my friends or adopted family. (Believe me he's already said things about my partners and I told him that he was wrong as hell.) My brother has hit me countless times and yes some of those times I believe I deserved it. I've slapped him for calling me a whore twice in my life and slapped him another four times for calling me a "Fag" lover. I hate those words with a passion and I always will. Other times he's said things and I've just let it slide and I ended up being hit for it. I've got a temper and I know it. Sometimes I'll do more than slap and when I see my own blood drawn by someone else I lose it completely. I'm not going to say much more than that I'm again not prefect and I do have a bad temper and I've changed a lot in the last couple years. I'm a better person now then what I was before.

  My littlest sister is only 12 and she is spoiled rotten. I love her dearly and she's never hurt me. She's sweet as candy until to eat to much candy that is then your sick. She's a lot like candy and she has a bite to her. She is one of the smallest of us in weight wise. She's lucky I mean really lucky that she is so thin. She eats what she wants and it goes to her ASS. I swear I want to have her little bubble butt LOL. She's amazing honestly and she does know about me being bisexual and she just says that I understand but, I'm not like you and Sis. I don't mind that my youngest sister is straight and I told her this. I told her if you weren't born this way then why would you wish to be something you are not? I hope she grows up to be happy and whole and I pray each night that she'll never cut on herself or drink or get hurt or do drugs or pills. This is my wish for her...for her to always be happy.

  My youngest brother is 7 years old and he's a little devil at times but I do love him. He's always been a hyper active child and I was there through the night and day he was born it my mother was about three weeks late from her due date and they were going to induce her labor. When they did it was back labor from then on. Yes I was young and I was proud to watch my baby brother come into this world. You see loving my two youngest siblings has been the best damn thing in my life other than my adopted family and my partners. I'm young yet, with a whole lot of living to do. I'm going to live my life to the fullest because I have something wonderful in my life.

  My mother and father have hurt me for years and honestly they don't deserve the time to even mention them but let's get this straight and not crooked. I tried for years to love my mother and father regardless of all the pain and hurt that there is between us. I've been slapped, kicked, punched, & many other things that involve having bruises and cuts and scrapes. I've had one set of stitches because of my mother. I'll write about that incident at one point but, right now no I'm not going to. I've had a lot of things that hurt me but, I'm stronger truly stronger then all the bullshit that has happened to me.

Rocking Purple

  So I told Matt & Brad that I would wear my purple lacy panties for spirit day. So I am and gods does it feel weird to be wearing these panties again. I bought them for my partners because they think that lace & silk are my thing. (They have no idea!) I've been trying to figure out how in the world I will rock purple next year though. I want to get something that is silky and purple for next year I do know that.

  Everyone tells me I look good in bright colors. (I like dark colors but, I'll wear lighter colors as long as it's not so bright I blind someone with it!) I mean sometimes I feel like I shame my family by wearing dark colors and other times it's like I feel I shame them by wearing bright colors. I try to me just me.


  I was looking at the jacket that I have and I was like who in the hell is Misty Harbor?? Anyone know? Honestly I don't even remember where I got the jacket from I've had it for a few years. It finally fits the way it's supposed to fit I don't like to zip up my jackets but it is nice to know that I can!! I've been trying to find a lot of things out and I can't seem to get my mind wrapped around anything that I want to get in clothing wise.

  I've been trying to earn a bit for clothing, bills, moving, fund for charity, & GRL for next year! So you see I'm going to be a busy girl once I start to earn everything I need for everything I want. So you see that moving fund is the top most one I need other than clothing. (I've got hardly any clothing to my name due to some BS with my sister that is with child. So yes I am having a bit of trouble with that at this point in time.) I'm thinking about moving at the end of March of next year. Keeping my fingers crossed!) Let us hope and pray that my income tax return for this year is decent and that I won't have to tap into any of the other money that I've saved up for the move before then! It's not as easy as I thought it would be not with having to help out my parents every month. (That's just who I am not going to let the two youngest of my siblings freeze their asses off for my parents stupidity of not saving back enough for the winter months!)

Anyways purple yes purple is being rocked and I've vented a lot in this post that was supposed to be just about spirit day BUT I got off track very sorry about that had a lot on my mind there and couldn't seem to stop the thought process. Next year can't get here fast enough. Nither can my birthday! 21st birthday isn't going to be a drinking party though I gave up drinking for a long long time. Yet, perhaps when I know I can handle it I might allow myself one or two drinks. (Maybe!) Yikes doing it again I'll talk to yall laters I swear!

Mores & Missed friendship

  Sometimes people don't know the outcome of missed friendships in their lives. Other times it comes back to hit them in the face.


  Tonight reading a dear friends blog I found that I should have made an effort to speak to Mores. He had wit and spirit so much bigger than the sun and moon and stars. My heart goes out to Thorny & Jazz && their families as they deal with this sad hard time. I never spoke to Mores but, T gave me an insight to wanting to know and talk to him. Didn't jump on the chance perhaps I should have but, that goes without saying.


  Thorny, Jazz, I love you both dearly your family to me stay strong and hold each other close. Live each day like it is your last because nothing is set in stone. Stay strong & be happy celebrate Mores's life and smile for him each day. Send him home to Heaven with your tears but, smile as you do so because he was special to his friends and family.


  Sending you all the love and prayers I can Thorny & Jazz. Remember the happy times my dears and stay as strong as you can.

My laptop PROBLEMS

  There has been so much to do and so little time to get it done and I can't figure out if it's because I feel crazy or what. So a couple days ago my laptop screen busted. I picked it up like I always do. Hand on the bottom and fingers lightly touching the back of the screen or fingers at the top...Two inches below my fingers the screen just cracks. I mean damn it's only been six months or less that I have had this laptop and what happens.

  It was after everything happened with my sister that day. She may be VERY pregnant and getting closer to her due date but, that doesn't give her the right to strip me bare of my calm cool and collected thoughts. I try to joke with her and get flipped off. I joke with her when a friend does and she tells me FUCK YOU. I don't understand that BS. but, when she found out that the laptop screen had busted she told me it was Karma and that I'd learn to not fuck with her.

  I don't know where she gets off telling me it's karma that took it out on me. Yet, she thinks that it gets to me that I can't get online as much as I have been doing. Well a good friend let's me borrow her laptop and you know what she let's me earn the money I need to online from textbroker. You see writing articles is how I've been earning money for the last four to five months something like that. I've been doing good and my goal is to get up to enough to purchase a new TOSHIBA. I loved the one that the screen busted this past weekend and intend to get it fixed after getting a new one.

  It means a lot to me to get this one fixed though. Everything I hold dear with my writing and stories and everything is on it. Thank gods the memory sticks I have have some of my poems on it and the pictures of my adopted boy as well. Just the one adopted boy but, still it's special to me. I've been racking my brains out all day trying to figure out how I'm going to get everything done up.

  Everything has been doing well other than the laptop and my sister's bullshit. I'm so close to snapping and telling her that it doesn't matter what she says I'll always be myself. If she can't accept me now what makes me think she'll accept me when I'm not in her life every single day.

  Family means everything to me. My partners are supportive of what I want in life. Why in the hell can't she be? She never wanted me with some of the partners I am with and she never wants to share the joy of the fact I am IN love. Can I tell myself that all will be alright? Yes it'll be okay in the end but, right now it's not okay. It won't be okay until I'm away from her and happy. It's time to think of all the things that I have to deal with.

Okay ranting this much has got to be okay I mean I'm not feeling like I was and I'm not going to feel like that again. Unless my sister wants to say things to me again and act like she's Queen of the Lands or some such BS. She isn't any better than I am and I am no better than her BUT, when this stuff happens it tears me apart and gets me into a ranting and raving mood and I don't want to take it out on my partners. They don't deserve that at all. They don't deserve to have me take out my frustrations onto them. I've been trying to stop doing that kind of stuff and now I am going to start doing it more than anything else. I AM TIRED OF FEELING like I have to hurt just because others think I don't have FEELINGS.

  I have feelings that get hurt easily. I'm not one to show to much to people up front. I cry at night where no one sees the tears. I try to keep from anyone seeing that it hurts to be here where I am. Each and every night I smile though because I get to talk to my partners in some way shape or form. There are so many things that I've said and done and yet they still love me. Still want me. I HOPE & PRAY it's always like that. I can't seem to get enough out of my system at this moment in time. I can talk until I am blue in the face to some people but, that will never help if they won't take or make the effort to listen to what I am really saying.

Coming out (For me)

So I am finding more and more stories about men and women who have come out to friends and family. Both good reactions and bad reactions.

    I knew myself I was different when I was younger but, honestly I didn't fully know until I kissed my first girl when I was 16. I have had to many bad things going on the year before that when I finally came out it was insane.

   Let me back track for a moment. Middle school I was always teased and picked on for being different in the sense I didn't have brand name clothing and my hair and everything they could find. It continued on into high school. I made one of the worst mistakes of my life soon after I turned 15. I left my normal high school for an online one. I struggled to get past the papers and the work they wanted done online with no teacher there to help explain I was stuck doing it alone and getting redo after redo. I hated it.

   I can honestly say that the following year or so was amazingly different. I was 16 getting ready for Halloween. Big home coming game for my old high school. I went to it because I still loved football. I enjoyed watching both the males on the field and the cheerleaders that cheered on our home team. ~Sighs softly at the memories~ My best friend was a cheerleader and I thought she was to die for. She was done for the evening cheering so she and I walked out to her car to talk. Her boyfriend and ex boyfriend had followed us. I told them to go away. I hadn't talked to my friend in nearly six months...I wanted some time to just talk with her.

   My friend and I had been so tired of males and it was weird she asked if I was into girls. I hyperventilated I didn't know how to tell her the answer. So my first kiss with her was really on a dare from the boyfriend and ex. But, we didn't blasted care if the boys got turned on or not. We enjoyed the kiss and once we had finished I told her that yes I liked girls as well as guys. I also told her I wanted and needed to walk and talk with her around the track on our side of the field and we did. (I told the boys if they followed us I'd punch them both in the mouth and they'd remember as to way I didn't care for either one of them. They were in part both assholes and only wanted sex with my best friend. So yes they pissed me off.)

   I told my parents that night that I was bisexual as well but they laughed it off as if I hadn't said it. Well after I turned 17 I told my parents again that I was indeed bisexual. I wasn't to polite about it though. I do believe my words were along these lines. "Mother, Father, I am bisexual I love the thought of pussy and cock. I also love the fact that a woman knows just what another woman wants and needs at times where a man does not. I want to fuck both a man and a woman and whatever you think you can fuck off." Then I walked on to my room and started working on my school work their jaws wide open I yelled into the kitchen and told them to close their mouths before the flies started going down their throats. I was tired of denying myself and denying what I wanted. I started dating two men soon after coming out as I did and that was after I had lost my grandpa Lester.

  My mother still to this day thinks I am going to settle down with just one man. I hate to break it to people but, I won't settle down with just one single man. That is not me. I won't settle down with one woman either. I have partners.You see my mother and father still haven't gotten that into their heads. That's okay Ii only stay civil with them because they are blood. No other reason. What love there was for them as my parents has been gone for some time now. (Sorry as I may feel for that. I've tried to settle things between us they just won't accept me fully. Because of me wanting all my partners The fact that I am not their PERFECT daughter the straight one. ~Rolls her eyes~ I'm not straight I never have been. I have always looked at both men and women. So tough luck and to bad to them. Accept me or no.)

  I am now 20 years old will be 21  February. It does get better as you go on. It is for me I just have to keep reminding myself that not everyone is as narrow minded as my family and some of the others I have had to tell. It just still scares me. I am Bisexual and damn proud of that fact. I have partners that love me and wouldn't have me any other way but, myself. I still have normal every day problems as everyone else in the world does. That only means that I am living my life to the fullest possible and working through problems and life one day at a time.

  I am not in the least sorry for writing any of this. It's the truth no matter how people may see me for it. I love hard and I live harder. It gets better and it's getting better for me everyday. One step at a time.

Random Monday Lists

Alright so I'm going to start something that is different. I was up late last night thinking about the guessing game I used to play as a kid. (Yes the 1- whatever number I could think of and count too LOL!) Anyways, everyone knows I can be sweet so I thought about doing a list of things I worry about constantly but, I'm not like that so I won't I wanted so bad to find the things in my life that made me Happy though and make a list of them. So I thought about it and I know I might have listed it somewhere once before. Also some other lists to give you some ideas of what I like in a few things.

Things that make me truly happy...

1.My Partners

2. My adopted family

3. My online friends from the blogs who really know me as me

4. Talking to people who get it

5. Writing and reading

6. Painting

7. Making people smile or laugh

8. Hanging out with a dear woman who gets what I want in life (Woman is living with my parents and I so I see her everyday)

9. Being made to laugh and smile

10. Finding more things that I enjoy

Make-up I like

1. White Eyeliner (To my cowboy's dismay ~Snickers~ He'll understand when he see's my Blue-Green eyes with the touch of brown in them highlighted.)

2. Gold Lipstick (Add a touch of white coat to lighten the gold a bit and you have a golden kiss!)

3. Blue eye shadow

4. Sage eye shadow

5. White eye shadow (This is to lighten the blue and sage I use and sometimes the purple I use as well.)

6. Black Lipstick (I will not be wearing this much anymore but I still like it!)

7. Any nail polish the I can get my hands on!

8. I like that smokey effect products that they have out there

9. Teal eyeliner (The cream type love it need to get more of that and the silvery one too MHM!)

10. I like a lot of the eyeliner, eye shadows and lipsticks & Lip glosses out there....I always loved dark colors never bright but I'm trying something new and well light colors are coming into play slowly (What I won't try for people that I love and love me. LOVE IS GREAT THOUGH!)

Clothing I like on Men

1. Tight black jeans (Yummy!)

2. Pink button up shirts or T-Shirts (Think that the darker you are the darker the pink should be though!)

3. Anything that looks clean cut and nice on a man (Short list oops lol)

Things that catch my eye on a man or woman

1. Eyes

2. Ass (MHM)

3. Confidence (The way a person walks.)

Things I love about My Partners!

1. The way they understand that even when I am in a bad mood they just nod and listen to what I have to say. Venting is my worst flaw because I take it out on the person I am venting on. (I know Bad girl! Bad Kat!) Everything though works out as well.

2. The way they reassure me that I will be with them soon enough. Even when I doubt that it will be soon.

3. The way they all know when I need to hear or see the words "I love you, Kat" (I admit sometimes I get needy to know they still love me. I am scared and rightfully so due to my past.)

4. The way when I'm mad at one of them the others try to talk me down to a calm level

5. The little surprises they tend to have for me when I'm feeling down about something large for me.

6. When they make me smile and they don't really know it

7. The way they make me laugh

8. The way they try to make me feel better and gain that

9. Just all the little things they have done even though we live apart from each other (For the moment!)

10. The way I love them and they me without having to hide it. We can be honest with each other and have our feelings out there. (Even though I am hard headed and make them fight for it sometimes)

I have separate lists for my partners because they each do their own thing but, I mean I'm sure one day soon I'll put those lists up but, right now no I'll make you all wait. (I'm mean but, it gives me more to talk about later on!)

Delighted and so bothered

  ~Squeals~ I got to hear my Baby and my Cowboy tonight! ~Shivers of delight~ We've been no phone contact this whole time just My Wild Fire's songs and things and it's like OMG my baby did this for me.

  Okay so we all know that my partners and I are a long distance relationship what with me in Kentucky and they in Tennessee it's hard on all of us. MHM! My baby and I got into some deeper heavier things about the past and how I feel and yes I balled like a baby a bit. I have held in many things from my past for far to long and that scares most of my partners.

  It scares me to that I bottle it up and bottle it up until I can't take it anymore. He knows how my parents dislike anyone from my adopted family making an attempt at making me happy or making me smile. But nothing could diminish the mood I was in and still am in! I got to talk to my baby and my cowboy all in one night that was great and amazing and it made me happy because it was something new something we'd never had a chance to do until today and well. Can you tell I'm happy as hell and I think I'm bouncing in my seat still!?!?!

  I won't tell everything just that it makes me yearn more to be by their sides and they know and understand this and know that I am trying to get into a school down there so I can do everything that I need to do! Okay I need to chill out because honestly the happiness meter I have is over flowing! But, seriously tonight has been great and just well amazing and GUESS WHAT? We can do it again soon as he and the others have enough time out of their work life to talk a little more. ~Fans self~ Oi I can't help but be excited.

  Yes I am a bit overly happy I know but, if most understood how hard it is to be apart from the one or ones you love you'd get and understand that this sucks for me. I take it one day at a time and everything will fall into place with my life. Just as it will for everyone else I know. Just smile take it one day at a time and learn that praying helps and it doesn't matter who you pray to as long as you believe in something of higher power. I take what life throws out at me as smoothly as I possibly can. It's hard but, I do get through it with help from my supportive partners and my adopted family (Big Bro Vic and some other special people I know.)

  So yes I'm happy even with something so little BUT, it was so huge and meaningful to me. So much so that I wrote a letter to them all but, I am not posting that here it's for them and them only because it has a lot of very personal things in it for our eyes only. Nothing personal against anyone but, some love letters just are to personal to share out there with everyone.

Massage Therapy

  So I am interested in massage therapy. I've been looking up every school every school that has massage every school that has something else that would help me gain massage therapy. Everything seems and feel as though I am falling out of the loop. I feel that everyone is saying "Get a Career Already!" "Get a job!" Ugh, my head is spinning with everything as much as I feel like I am spinning out of control it is also me trying to figure out where to go to school at asking for a little advice.

Finding schools are easy as hell. Picking one that will work for me well not as easy as I thought. My head hurts with all the choices. Some are here in KY and I don't want those ones at all. There are a few in Tennessee as well and it's so scary to have so many to choose from and not know which one would be the perfect fit for me. I'm not even sure if I could make it through the Massage Therapy classes. I'm not sure if I'll make it past the five year life span of this job. It scares me when I know that I can mess up. Then again I could succeed and make it.

I'm rambling on about this subject but I am so nervous and also excited that I am finding schools that offer what I need in the way of schooling. My partners know what I want to do and they support me through it and understand that I am so damn scared. Sometimes I feel as though I am going insane trying to find everything out and when and how and just UGH! Support and love and caring and advice and everything keeps me on the balance beam of success. I am just running back and forth in my mind the options and the need to get away from everything and go to school and everything. Okay so I am done rambling I need to stop before I finish or well haha before I get to far ahead of my thinking that is.

I'll figure it all out perhaps. Soon I am hoping I don't know yet. Going to figure it out and think on it awhile. Who knows when at this point in time just ugh. Talk later peace out people.

10 Things That make me smile?

Okay so I was thinking about everything that makes me smile and of course I wanted to put it up here and make you smile or laugh or giggle a bit.

1. A good romance book with lots of steamy scenes in it
2. V.Vee with her wit and how she will support her friends and family for everything she is worth
3. Matt & Brad because they are just so damn loveable and are sweethearts
4. Thorny & Jazz because they always have something nice to say or something that they would love to share
5. My partners make me smile all the time even when we're having our little fights/bigger fights
6. My two youngest siblings who are just starting to figure out everything in life
7. When I draw something that I think looks worse than what others think it looks
8. My paintings that come out nothing like I imagined they would turn out
9. My poems and writings that I've worked on that I don't think are good enough to be shown to the world
10. Every little thing that I find can make me smile even when I am sad or down or putting myself down

It's not really in this order but, which ever order it'd be in it still fits into things that make me smile and I have more but, this is what I came up with and oh yeah a number eleven would be this one below

11. All the blogs I read that have something that has meaning to the person or persons in it...it's not like it's not real but the people behind it make it the best they all can

Music I've listened to As of late

So here is something I've been listening to a lot and there are a few more that will be put up after this as well. I am just thinking that my thoughts have been drifting in and out lately. I also love to dance to many songs and there will be a few of those up here in a moment.

Now this is a song that is going below that hit home with me and how I feel about being so far apart from my partners. It's honestly something I don't want to think about anymore but, I have to still.

Yes I had to put four of nearly the same song two for the girl and then two for the guy sorry if it's a bit too much for people.

Sugar & Me Shouldn't mix much

I'm a sugar addict...I love sugar always have but lately I have cut back drastically on my sugar intake...I know I have problems with my sugar levels and it shows. I am doing everything perfectly fine now but, I have also been trying to get into shape. I know that doing this now is going to be hard.


Eating right should have been doing that my whole life but honestly i haven't been at all. Except for recently. My partners are worried about me. 96 in sugar is good nothing to worry about but, when it drops or gets higher then 100 or so it's bad.

Clearance Clearwater Revival

Yes I know weird me but, I've loved music since I was younger and still am young and still love all the older music I can get my hands on!

Dear Author: Finding My Courage After Being Molested (GR post)

   This is a rather long post and it's up on GR. This is my Dear Author letter. I finally got the courage to write about it. I wanted to share it here because I didn't want to retype it out. It took me a long time just to post this on GR. But, honestly I feel better a lot better. Warning it's long very long. It's just time to put myself out there and start talking. Start trusting others to understand. If they don't it's fine because honestly they don't have to understand just not treat me poorly after reading.



This is hard for me to even write but, I thought this was as good a place as any to write my story. I've been scared for 10 years now to ever write it down on paper or even on the world wide web. Most here know me as Kat. Some know me as Lucy/Kat due to my blog. So I got off track a little bit because I am nervous to write this all out.

I was 10 years old it was after 9/11 and after my uncle died that December. New year's as a matter of fact. My parents had invited two of their family friends over to the house to play cards and drink. I was young and I wanted to try it out. (Yes, I know stupid!) My mother did give me a glass of Boone's Farm. Now most don't know that alcoholic beverages and a young girl do not mix! I do now oh boy do I!

Well, I'll put a name to the friends my parents invited over. Jake (Not the real name. I'm just not ready for that.) and Sissy they had known them for a few years now since I was about 7 years old. Well they played and drank for a little while and before the ball fell my mother and Sissy went to bed and my father went into the front room to watch the ball fall on TV. I was left in the kitchen with Jake.

I only remember this because I'm one of the unfortunate ones who can remember what they do while drunk. Jake asked if I wanted to try a different flavor of the Boone's Farm. I being young and very stupid said sure. We were in there a good 15 minutes alone and I had drunk half the bottle of this Boone's Farm (Pink in color to me still is to this day.) I went into the front room and watched the ball fall and soon after that I went to bed for the night. I didn't stay asleep for to long at least I don't think I was asleep that long. I woke up to something touching my breast and I shoved them away. When I opened my eyes fully I saw that it was Jake.

He told me that if I wouldn't let him touch me he'd touch my little sister. I was to scared for her to even think or run. I let him touch me BUT, for someone to say I asked for it. To say that I gave my consent they would be very wrong in that thinking. I never in my life wanted that pervert touching me anywhere. He never touched my bare body but, it still rips your soul apart.

I remember trying to tell my mother and father both but, they didn't have time to hear it so I let it go. I never mentioned it again to anyone. I lived with it for six years before I started cutting on myself when I was 16 This also was the year I came out as being bisexual. That started for many reasons. I felt stupid, I felt at fault for all the bad going on in my families lives. I was still stupid in many ways in life and in love as well.

Cutting is not something that takes the pain away. It just causes so many more problems in life. I had started dating long distantly and that kept me safe from pain of being forced into something. Jake was still around in my life and yes on many occasions he tried to touch me and see down my shirt and things. It made me cut that much more when he was around and trying to mess with me. My mother and father never saw any of this. Blind as they were they didn't remain blind to it for to much longer.

Shortly, before I came out to my parents I pulled a large kitchen knife out on Jake and swore to cut off his private parts if he ever so much as touched me again or tried to touch my little sisters. I told him I ever heard of him touching either of them and he'd pray that he was dead long before I got to his sorry rear end. My mother and father came into the kitchen and found me holding the knife against his groin. When they asked me what was going on I of course told them nothing. I didn't want to even bother trying to warn them again.

My parents had another friend that came into my life about this time as well. Her name let's say is Kenya. Somehow she found out about Jake touching me when I was 10 and told my mother and father. ~Shakes her head~ I denied telling her anything of the sort because I hadn't told her a thing to my parents. I told them the story however was the truth. They didn't believe me and that stung. Jake still came around and was left alone with me one other time.

I punched him in his groin for pulling my shirt down and I was in the room with my brother and him at that time. Brother had his back turned when it happened.

Soon after I turned 17 I was dating two men. I still have contact with them although I am no longer with them. We got into the subject of them wanting to know what all happened in my life so far. (They are older then I am. But, age doesn't matter to me when it love and true friends.) I got into the fact that I drank and cut myself. They asked me what made me do that to myself. I broke down after an hour and a half of them asking me to talk to them about this. The best thing about it is they believed me someone in my life finally believed what I told them rather then turning their back on me and telling me that I was lying. I felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders.

I want to explain why I never told the cops. I was scared to even say anything to anyone but my mother and father and when they were to busy to listen and I stopped trying I rolled up into a shell. I have thought about killing myself for 7 years out of the 10 years that I have lived with this. Who ever said that time heals all. Didn't know jack about molestation at all!



I am now 20 years old and have been away from Jake for nearly three years. Does it get better? Yes, it gets better the longer I am away from that man and the longer the time that passes it gets better. Does the memory fade away? No, it's still as strong as when it first happened. Do the tears that I have cried ever stop? You know I am still working on answering that myself when I know that one I will let you know. My new partners that I love dearly also know about what happened with Jake. Did I tell them? Amazingly, no I didn't, reason being is that they live with my ex's that are a lot like family to me. They told them and fair warned them that I still had a lot of problems sharing it with anyone. Am I glad that someone in my life believes me without question? Pardon my language here but, HELL YES. It makes it so much easier to handle knowing that my partners and my adopted family believes that it happened. The story has been the very same and always the telling is hard.

I have cried while typing this out. I've had to stop and retype so it reads better. Then again I also had to stop to collect myself and my thoughts. I am still scared as I was back then but, I gained the courage and the support that I needed when I was older and had lived with it. What makes it easier is the distances away from the one man I never want to see again. ~Knocks on wood after typing that out~

I have the courage to live. I have the courage to be strong. I have the courage to smile. I have the courage to love my partners who all are men. This didn't break me it shaped me into the woman that I had the potential to become. Do I wish it never happened? Yes every single day for the last 10 years I have wished that. But, you can't make wishes come true after it's already happened. You can only make your life that much more better. You can have the COURAGE to live and break free of the cycle of torment that it causes for you.


Sincerely & with much Courage,
Kat

Impossible

  Sometimes I think things are impossible & will never work out. I have heard this song and loved it for quite some time and wish to think that sometimes someone understands the impossible feelings that I have had or am having on some days, Not everyone may feel this way but, some people do.

  I thought love was impossible to come by and snag you hook line and sinker (Fishing talk!) I thought love was a myth when I was growing up. It's not I love my partners more than anything else in this world. Except for god even he trumps out my partners. But, what I am saying is this.

  The Impossible becomes the possible when you make it become that. No one else has that power but, you, yourself. No one else is going to force you to get up off your ass and do things for yourself. Only you can do the things people tell you that are impossible.

  Yes, I know three of the same song tells you just how much I love it don't you think?