"The Norm" & Fears

What the hell is the "norm" anyways? Honestly I see that everyone no matter who you are needs love needs to find the one person or persons that they can truly love without hiding it. So the "norm" to me is seeing men with men, women with women, and a man and a woman together. No matter the race either this is what gets me. What people call "The Norm" really truly is something they wish to see.

  I don't understand where people get off disrespecting gay couples. I love seeing people I can relate my problems to. Some gay men are truly honestly the best friends a woman could ask for. Reason I say this is because they won't ignore you and what you are saying. Not any of the gay men I've met anyways. I love a lot of people in my life and hell let's face it most of those men and women are either gay, bisexual, or lesbian. I have maybe a handful of straight friends.

  Perhaps that is why I don't see the problem some straight men and women have with the BLGT community. I mean I fit into no one's mold of "Normal" I don't really wish to be and never will. I am me. That is who I wish to always be is myself. So yes I might get mad and ticked off at people who gay bash and are homophobic, but when it's towards people I care about then yes I am going to get a bit bitchy over it.

  I'm just feeling a bit bitchy and needing to vent. Because I have my own idea of what is normal and to all the people who can't accept that the world is ALWAYS going to have a BLGT community well they can just piss off. I don't understand where they are coming from because I don't find a damn thing wrong with being proud of who you are!


  I am proud to be a 20 year old bisexual female who has partners who are bisexual and they accept me and how I wish to live and they accept the fact that there isn't just one lover in my life.


  Sorry, I had a rough night last night with dreams about the past and just feeling off and I know sometimes my ramblings and posts might sound bitchy but, it's what is on my mind and I do have a blood brother that is homophobic which I truly will never understand what makes him so. I've had fights with said brother over my ex's who are very happy together. He has fought with me over the partners I have now. To be honest I'm fed up with the bullshit he speaks. He knows nothing about what it is to truly love someone. He has his opinions and I have mine and they are very different from his. Sometimes I go to bed crying because I know that if any of my partners showed up at my door and my brother was here they'd not stay for long. I know that I don't want any of my partners or my adopted family or my friends hurt because of my blood family. It's been on my mind a lot for the last few days.

  My birthday is coming up and my deepest wish is to see my partners. I'm not going to ask that of them because it is also something I fear. I fear for them constantly. I defend them so much from the people I can't stand to hear BS from that I've taken it out on them. I've been so frustrated, so damned mad that everything I feel ends up getting turned on them. I don't want to do that anymore. I know they have stayed but, that fear that I will mess up and end up alone is something I truly fear.

I also fear the fact that people will judge me for what I am rather than who I am. I'm proud of who I truly am. Opposed to the people who hide and are not happy with who they are. My advice to most of the people who feel like they don't know themselves is simple.....GET IN TOUCH WITH YOURSELF! Make sure you see your true self rather than the fake person you pretend to be. When you do see who you wish to be then trust me on this YOU will become that person. Slowly or fast it doesn't matter as long as you become happy with who you are.

Tuesday!

  I'm happy I get to sleep in a bed tonight!! It's been near two years since I slept in a good comfortable bed. No more sleeping on the couch or in the chair!! Whoooooo hoooooooooo!! My back is killing me though lifting so much today and my arms but hey it had to get done and it got done. Heating isn't a problem just need to get everything set up next week. Now I might get some decent rest for once in my life! Let us hope on that one. hehe.

  We'll see what happens and see how well I get along with my roommate/friend living together without my parents. Still got a little bit more cleaning to do but it looks great so far.

Monday Madness & Fun

  So Halloween jeez were has the time gone? I'll tell you were it's around and around and flies by. Can't wait until March and can't wait for things to get on up to where they need to be. I am so ready to get things started.

  So Monday Madness...Should tell you all I'm moving to the place about 100 feet away from my parents with my friend. She needs a place to stay and wants to get everything done. We spent the day cleaning it up. (I never want to see a single item of clothing that isn't mine or my partners AGAIN! I think we've at least bagged 10 to 15 bags of clothes out of the front room and other places as well. It sucks big time. You know what sucks even more. We are STILL not done! Talk about annoying and damn bad cleaning up someone elses mess is a pain but I've been doing it.

  The fun part about this day was getting to go out in decent weather and have a long talk with my soon to be roommate about everything going on. We're tired of living under my parents rooftop. Honestly, I'm tired of the state of Kentucky but, I can't do anything without Money nor can I move to Tennessee without it. I'm trying to get everything set up and done up so I will see. So far job hunting has turned up three jobs that I may be able to do. Let us hope and pray. I have my fingers crossed. Believe it or not I am NOT stressed out. I'm happier doing things that I never liked doing before. (Inside cleaning is my major weakness when it comes to cleaning BUT I love to cook! I'm weird I know it LOL.)

  I'm going to get going I need to finish the chilli I've got on the stove cooking away. Gods I need some Peanut butter! (Yummy for me is peanut butter and chilli HELL YEAHS!)

Running Around

  So most might notice that my posts are starting to look like I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I've had a stressful week and I'm trying to wind down from all that. I took one day off this week and it was alright for a while. I did get slapped though and my jaw is still sore on the other side of my face but, I'm not to worried about it because I know it'll be okay in another day or so.

  Anyways, reason I am away so much right now is for two reasons. One is trying to find a job and earn some cash flow and the second would be trying to relax. (Haha like anyone could relax in a place like this!) I am relaxing a little bit even if it's not as relaxed as I wish to be. I'm still trying to find a job but, hoping that everything will work out in due time. I just feeling like it's been going way to slow. I never thought I'd be out of work in less then a year's time and even then I mean I wasn't supposed to be out of work this year. But, that's nither here nor there either. I might be whining a tad bit about the whole job thing BUT, it's my blog I can whine if I want to right? I can bitch as much as I want to? I think anyways LOL.

  So recap of the week would be everything is going okay. I'm worried about the baby my sister is about to have. (Even though she treats me badly I still worry. It's like kicking a dog I think!) I've had some good days and some bad but, it's nothing out of my normal day. Hoping that the weekend (It's early in the morning here 3 AM to be on point.) will be A-okay and stress and worry free. (Except for my sister's baby coming this weekend ~Crosses fingers~ She is getting so damn annoying with her own whining that it's starting to make me whine! I mean dance and shake the baby loose already woman!) I know I'm mean ~Sticks tongue out at everyone~ Can't help it. I'm a tad bit insane. (You would be to if you had to put up with all the shit I go through on a daily bases.) I'm going to close for the night errr day err morning AH HELL whatever I'm just going to close this post for the time being and perhaps post something else tomorrow. Nighty night folks (GOOD MORNING!!)

Hellish Thursday

I've been trying to calm down from everything. Everyone has heard about my father and the issues surrounded by him. I'm in such a state of stress that I need to take a little time to think more than I have been and perhaps find a way to get a job before going to Tennessee. Everyone knows that is where my heart is and I'm not going to post what happened because it wasn't just towards me and I know I have someone who cares that lives with me but, it's not enough anymore. I'm tired and I am drained. Trying to stay as calm as possible but, sometimes that is not as easy as I would like. So I know most don't know that I've checked out a few places for rent and for sale just in case I made the trip. I am also looking into some jobs that are around there and I'm finding that Americorps might just be the best option for me. So far I'm not finding to much out on that end and perhaps I need to search a bit longer and make sure everything goes smoothly. I'm going to get going and search through the listings once more and see what all there is out there.

Random Monday Lists

Alright so I'm going to start something that is different. I was up late last night thinking about the guessing game I used to play as a kid. (Yes the 1- whatever number I could think of and count too LOL!) Anyways, everyone knows I can be sweet so I thought about doing a list of things I worry about constantly but, I'm not like that so I won't I wanted so bad to find the things in my life that made me Happy though and make a list of them. So I thought about it and I know I might have listed it somewhere once before. Also some other lists to give you some ideas of what I like in a few things.

Things that make me truly happy...

1.My Partners

2. My adopted family

3. My online friends from the blogs who really know me as me

4. Talking to people who get it

5. Writing and reading

6. Painting

7. Making people smile or laugh

8. Hanging out with a dear woman who gets what I want in life (Woman is living with my parents and I so I see her everyday)

9. Being made to laugh and smile

10. Finding more things that I enjoy

Make-up I like

1. White Eyeliner (To my cowboy's dismay ~Snickers~ He'll understand when he see's my Blue-Green eyes with the touch of brown in them highlighted.)

2. Gold Lipstick (Add a touch of white coat to lighten the gold a bit and you have a golden kiss!)

3. Blue eye shadow

4. Sage eye shadow

5. White eye shadow (This is to lighten the blue and sage I use and sometimes the purple I use as well.)

6. Black Lipstick (I will not be wearing this much anymore but I still like it!)

7. Any nail polish the I can get my hands on!

8. I like that smokey effect products that they have out there

9. Teal eyeliner (The cream type love it need to get more of that and the silvery one too MHM!)

10. I like a lot of the eyeliner, eye shadows and lipsticks & Lip glosses out there....I always loved dark colors never bright but I'm trying something new and well light colors are coming into play slowly (What I won't try for people that I love and love me. LOVE IS GREAT THOUGH!)

Clothing I like on Men

1. Tight black jeans (Yummy!)

2. Pink button up shirts or T-Shirts (Think that the darker you are the darker the pink should be though!)

3. Anything that looks clean cut and nice on a man (Short list oops lol)

Things that catch my eye on a man or woman

1. Eyes

2. Ass (MHM)

3. Confidence (The way a person walks.)

Things I love about My Partners!

1. The way they understand that even when I am in a bad mood they just nod and listen to what I have to say. Venting is my worst flaw because I take it out on the person I am venting on. (I know Bad girl! Bad Kat!) Everything though works out as well.

2. The way they reassure me that I will be with them soon enough. Even when I doubt that it will be soon.

3. The way they all know when I need to hear or see the words "I love you, Kat" (I admit sometimes I get needy to know they still love me. I am scared and rightfully so due to my past.)

4. The way when I'm mad at one of them the others try to talk me down to a calm level

5. The little surprises they tend to have for me when I'm feeling down about something large for me.

6. When they make me smile and they don't really know it

7. The way they make me laugh

8. The way they try to make me feel better and gain that

9. Just all the little things they have done even though we live apart from each other (For the moment!)

10. The way I love them and they me without having to hide it. We can be honest with each other and have our feelings out there. (Even though I am hard headed and make them fight for it sometimes)

I have separate lists for my partners because they each do their own thing but, I mean I'm sure one day soon I'll put those lists up but, right now no I'll make you all wait. (I'm mean but, it gives me more to talk about later on!)

Yesterday vs. Today

  Well as everyone could see yesterday wasn't one of my best days to write everything I was thinking or so I thought. No one put me down about how I was feeling or how I wrote things so I'm good.

  Now last night I had some great news from Vee and was so excited I couldn't sit still at all! Thanks Vee for taking my advice and you gotta put more faith in yourself hun. Your like a sister/brother to me already. (Hope that explains some things.) Now once you put that faith into yourself believe me it'll work wonders. Now about this date you have I think it's amazing and that it'll go perfectly smooth. (Love you!) Also just be yourself no matter how you act I'll still love you regardless!

  So since last night and the start of today has been great. I stayed up late talking to my partners or well hehe stayed up until 2am talking to three of my partners and then another got home from work and then he and I talked until about 4:30 am in the morning. Man I have missed talking to them all but, then again I talk to one or two of them every day. Just gotta remember that work is important. Now mind you I have to also get a job that pays well so I can get to them. Yet, I have faith that all is going to work out the way it should.

  Can I say that I've had a long day yet? No because honestly my day hasn't been wrapping up until the new day has already begun! I'm driving myself nutty I know but I am having a lot of fun losing my marbles. (In the sense that I am so blasted tired that I'm going insane! But, it feels so nice to talk to them and we don't have to worry about a few things.) I'm going to guess if I can get everything earned that I will have one hell of a good time moving. Now mind you I don't have to much stuff to really move. I could go by bus and everything if I wanted. Plans plans plans plans! Ugh I'll figure it all out hehe.

  Now I have been singing Sexy can I & Bed Rock && Bleeding Love as well. I've been so damn happy since last night that I have even gotten up and danced! I love to dance and sing and just have fun. But, lord I can imagine what my partners would think it I pressed close and started grinding against them as I dance Whoa gotta stop before I get to ahead of myself.