Dark Hunger (Story)

Dark Hunger

Dark hunger holds me into place as a slow deep lust builds up inside of me no one knows this feeling is inside of me. No one knows that it comes up every time the word slut comes out of their mouth. I lust for blood so rich and deep red. To see it pour would make me the happiest person alive. Richness of the blood is determined by why you want it to begin with. Lust for death in a person makes the blood tainted. So the richness of this blood is tainted due to what I want. You might ask all the things that you think you need to know but you can never truly tell if I am telling everything when it comes to the blood lust of my hatred.

                      Must I start with the beginning of life before I had the lust for blood? I was human once just like you are now. Was the happiest little bitch in the world but I was bitter with my parents my family my blood family. Everyone always told me I was stupid I was born Jaid Roxy McNeil in Feb. 18^th of 1774. Being the daughter of a wealthy shipyard owner wasn’t the easiest thing in the world.  My mother was a proper lady so unlike myself that I have always had a hatred for her. Siblings where always there I love the youngest brother and sister to death never will I drain their blood like I wish to of the other three of my siblings. I was 20 years old and still living at home. A man from my childhood had been offering for my hand for quite some time now. I did not want that kind of life which my mother had. Simple with no adventures no life of her own except through her children. I was determined to lose the interest of this boy-man no matter what it took.

                      My father had been pushing me to marry for nearly four years. I had no one that suited my fancy, the boys where just that boys. I wanted a man who knew how to have fun and have a blast and could make me smile and make me happy.  This was going to be a long few months for me. I had reached the part of my life where I was restless. My family had not wanted their first child to be a girl. I felt unloved and always was I the one who tried to please my family. So in order to starve them out and make them let me have my own life I went out in public with this boy-man.

                      I noticed that on our horseback riding trips in the park that he was always looking around seeming as if someone else was watching us other than the people that I could see. Jealousy is a bad evil when it comes to men and women. I think I would have been alright if I had never agreed to go with this boy-man. Balls and parties were dull yet the dresses I wore made me feel like a queen. This boy-man never got to fill my dance card at any of the dances we went to it was improper to do so and not be engaged. My cousins and younger brother had the first dance always and the last. This was fine by me because I had no intention of marrying the fool who could not strike a conversation up with me. I had a brain and I knew how to use it.

                      On such an event I noticed someone I had never seen before. His skin was paler than that of the others around. He held an alluring air about him but it felt dangerous to seek his affections. So I being the young lady that I am wanted that danger. I walked up near this tall handsome man and curtsied. “How do you do Sir?” He just looked at me his deep golden eyes held mine I had never seen eyes this color before they transfixed me. “Young lady, you should be dancing with the young boy you always dance with at these events. He seems more your type don’t you think?” I just nodded and ran off to the gardens tears in my eyes not understanding what made me even go over to that man. I ran into the boy-man then with another young maiden. They were kissing and all I could think to say was “Well this is why it’d never be because I do not love you and you cannot be true.” He just looked up and smirked and went back to what he was doing so I went further into the gardens the maze was close. Slipping into the maze was something of a challenge for that night I had a deep purple ball gown on that made it hard to breathe. I told my mother they were trying to kill me with these contraptions but they just laughed and sent me on my way.

                      Getting to the middle of the maze was rather tougher than when I was in my normal attire and could breathe easier than I could at this point in time. Jerking on the corset that was tight on my body I loosened it to where I was able to take deeper breaths comfortably. This caused no problems until I heard a voice “Do you not think that is improper for a young lady such as yourself?” I turned and looked up into the deep golden eyes I had seen just moments before and gulped softly before replying “I don’t care if it is improper I want to be able to breathe not suffocate under all this hot fabric. Men think it is easy to go riding or to balls in this stuff for us it is not so easy. Now if you’ll excuse me I should be getting back to the party.” Turning I didn’t even see his hand grab mine and pull me hard up against his body struggling to get free I felt his breath on my neck so cold yet it thrilled me. He let me go and upon release I just stood there. He lifted my hand to his lips and kissed it so electrifying to me.

                      “You my dear have held my eye for nearly five years. It is time to claim you as mine will you do me the honors of becoming my bride this night?” I froze as this was the first time I ever saw him in my life I whispered so softly “I have only just met you. If you want my hand you must ask my father if he gives his permission then I shall marry you.” He presses his lips to my knuckles once again and simply replies “I will have you no matter his answer be prepared to be mine, little one.” He disappears through the maze and I soon follow all I want is to get home to see if that is where he will be. Getting to my parents’ home was a very long ride back my brother not wishing to leave so my cousin had to leave with me instead. He knew the person that I had stepped up to and whispered softly in my ear “He will treat you like the woman you wish to be. You will have everything that you ever need or want but it has a price my dearest cousin. I love you and this life of the night for me suits me just fine but I doubt it will for you.” I stare up at him only asking him what he means and he just tells me that I must be prepared for a lot of changes. Upon arrival I notice a black horse tied up by the reins and just smile as the horse is the one my cousin owns and sometimes rides to the house at night when he visits. Stepping out of the carriage with the help of my cousin I find my father coming out and taking me roughly by the arm yelling “How could you snub the richest man in the country for a rake who has all but ruined you already!!” My cousin grips his arm roughly and forces him away from me and glares ready for a fight I try to dodge the two but my mother is blocking my way. I loathe them yet I have no wish to watch this fight. Hearing my cousin speaking is refreshing “You ever lay a hand on her again and you will not just have him to deal with you will have me as well. He loves her has for five years! He has come to you since she was 15 years of age for her hand and you have refused. He has been faithful to her and her alone these last five years. Yet you still have said no. She would be more than loved she would be worshiped and held dear for the rest of their lives.” Amazed that my cousin would buck up to my father I just stare at them for the longest time until I am placed back into the carriage and taken to a place I have never been before.

                      Deep into the forests we went until we got to another carriage and stopped. I was so scared of what was going on I had never ran away from my family before no matter how many times I had thought about it. The man that had asked for my hand got out of that deep blue carriage and swung me up into his arms crushing me tight to his body.

 This isn't exactly the end it's just where I had stopped months ago. It's dark and I know it and some how it really just seems to fit into a very deep part of my mind. Dark and not as sweet as many think I am. I can be sweet but, the darker side of me just comes out and this was one of the things I started writing when I was in a darker mood. Don't know maybe it'll turn a bit lighter in the end who knows. I'll see how it'll go sooner or later.

New Way to Live

So this was my firs attempt at writing in a long long time and I didn't know what to think it's just thoughts and feelings and what I want to become and what I am slowly becoming I guess. I am not a normal writer I guess HELL who knows. I still Haven't figured out what to really call my writing other than musing or muses. So this really has become something that I have been afraid to put up on the blog I didn't know if anyone would wish to read it let alone think on it. I was nervous as hell and then I remember that My Big Sis VeeVee (Love Bug) was just as nervous if not more so to get her books published! So now I am going to post some of my stuff here for everyone to see and please comment or not I don't know do what you want. Just don't down me on it that's all I ask.

 New Way To Live

Waking up to a new day you find all the colors are gone all the pretty little lies that you wanted to believe are gone. Nothing is the same nothing. You find yourself in the place that you never wanted to be. You’re hurting without even struggling to survive. Yet that’s what is wrong with you. You have to struggle to survive on your own. Hungry, wet and tired you walk this road alone until you find work for yourself. A place where you can call home and a place where you can finally love the ones you have been waiting for all your life. With your head held high you find a new way to live, a new way to survive and a new way to see things.

                Nobody knows that the pain you feel is less now than when you were younger. It seems like it is still the same amount in your eyes and theirs. You remember the nights you cried yourself to sleep over what your family had done to you. Yet nothing is the same now as it was then. You found a new way to hold yourself up. Your fears are starting to melt away into the happiness you always sought to find. How else can you become the young woman you must in order to have everything you want or need.

                Everyone seems to be against you, but that is just in your mind. Your loves want you to better yourself because they know you are not happy with the way you have been. You seem to become me resentful of what they already have rather than what you can have with them. This makes you into the bitch that you are. This is what you show them on a daily bases. Nobody would wish to be around someone like that. Not that you can see and you know that it is not meant for you to act in this way to people.

                Being the person you are when your blood family isn’t around you find as a struggle. It’s not like you to find a balance with your real self and the person you are when you’re around them. Constant bitching about stupid things you try so hard to tune it all out. You just want to be where you know you can be happy. The thought is the only thing that keeps you strong. That keeps you from curling up into that little ball you know so well. You don’t back down from the bullshit that goes on around you any longer.

                Families are not supposed to treat you like this. They are supposed to treat you like a person like you are a human being not as if you are something disgusting. It hurts to even think that you could become like that. Yet you are starting to do exactly that without meaning to. You have that fear that you aren’t good enough not to become the very thing you fear. It’s like going through the fire and coming out with the burns but still going back for more.

                What makes a person start to really look at their life? Well let me tell you it isn’t being told to take a good hard look because that just makes the person madder than hell. It takes real guts to take a peek at their life and see the wrong they have done and the wrong that has been done to them. Once they take that look what they do with the information is up to that very person. They can let the bad rule their life or they can let the good shape them into a better person for that is truly what makes it golden.

                So many people let the bad choke them until it all that they have left to hold onto. It’s not that hard to do when you get to thinking about the bad and never the good in life. It happens so slowly yet so fast that you have less than a second to stop the process before it engulfs your whole world and life. People fear so much of the darkness that they can never embrace the light that is there. There is always a light at the end of a very long dark tunnel. Can I say it is easy getting there no because I have yet to make it to the very end of the tunnel of that darkness I have in my own life.

                I can say that my loves are behind me a hundred percent for my changing into the woman I should be. Can they handle that road once it is started is my only fear that I can’t bring myself to let my thoughts drift to so often. It is so scary to picture that darkness and then the light gods when you think about it my logic has flaws. Yet some have a logic that is flawless.

                All I want for myself and all I need to try to be the person I was meant to become. This is my only wish for my life. I wish for all the happiness not only for myself but for my loves. I hope and pray that I will have children with the men I love and that we can make it through life without fighting over petty bullshit. I want to know that they are happy with everything that happens. I want to know that we won’t regret our lives together.

                Can I tell myself that it will all work out for the good? I can but will it is the biggest question in life. If you worry about it then it won’t turn out exactly right. Yet, if you stop worrying about it all the time it will turn out better than you could have imagined. These little things in life don’t add up to the biggest things you’ll ever do in life. They are just small little things that keep you on your way to the bigger things in life.

                I have always thought that the biggest thing in my life would be becoming a mother. I fear becoming like my mother and with that fear becomes depression and sadness. I fear the one thing I know I will never become with the men I love. They would never allow me to shift from the abused to the abuser of a child. With that fear there becomes understanding of me for my mind’s eye. I am the oldest child from an abusers family. I have made it to the point where I know for a fact that I will be alright. Yet, I want to become better that alright. I want to become to the point where my past no longer suffocates me under its weight. I want the fears to melt away and become a thing of the past. I will better myself for the future. Where I will not become the abuser but stay the abused forever. Yet, that past will melt away into understanding and transform me into the person I should have been when I was seventeen.

                Fears can crush you or they can make you. What you do with your fears is up to you. No one else can tell you to get rid of the fears. No one else can tell you that they haven’t had to get rid of fears themselves. Yet, there are many people in this world who have had fears and become so much better than those fears that it makes it seem that they had no fear at all. Surpassing the fear would have been their biggest feat. My biggest trail and feat will be surpassing all my fears one at a time until I myself am alright with everything in my life.

                People have asked me “Do you think it is okay to be with so many men? Do you think god would approve of such a relationship?” Well I cannot say what God Almighty would or does approve of and neither can they. So while I’m not thinking about that let’s put it like this. If God Almighty didn’t want me to love so many people in my life or fall in love with this many people in my young life. Then he would not allow it. He made us different for a reason. I believe in God Almighty, The Holy Spirit, and Jesus Christ, but there is only one whom can ever judge me and that is God. These questions have become so normal to hear that it doesn’t faze me anymore. I just look at them and say “What right do you have to judge me? What will be shall be and what is not to be shall never be. God will chose if he wants me in his kingdom, but you are not god so therefore have no rights to pass judgment upon me.” Then I just get up and walk away from them leaving them in a jaw dropped state that makes me smile.

                I don’t like getting the bible thumped at me. That is a pet peeve of mine always has been probably always shall be. Getting preached at is the same thing as getting the bible thumped at you. Makes me feel like the person is judging me just because they do not like how I am. I find that the more that I am different the more times I find myself judged. Today people are so worried about what others do that they don’t take a good hard look at themselves.

                So many things have started happening in my life not only do I have a wonderful adopted family, but I have become something of a writer of a blog that is about my life, about my feelings, just about me in general. I thought that no one would read it let alone comment on it. I have so many things that have become just something I do but this, this isn’t just something I am doing just to be doing it.

                I have always wanted to become a writer ever since I was a little girl and nothing seemed good enough to be called a story to me. Then I realized everything has meaning to someone and maybe just maybe what I write could be called something. I have gone through so much in my young life but, nothing is wrong with that. Nothing is wrong with that at all. Sometimes I wonder if I am good enough. Then I remember that I am supposed to be just me. A person, A woman, A lover, A friend and that is when I start wanting to ball my eyes out. I am becoming everything I want to be. It’s just taking a little time.

                I’m not a little girl anymore, but I do still have dreams of becoming a writer. Big dreams of having someone like or love my work. Sometimes I think “Oh Hell this is never going to work!” Then I start beating myself up over it and saying. “You can stop being so damn negative.” So maybe something I write will be considered something!