This is for Vic (I love you)

I am a man:


Days creep by and flash around
Trying to find what I've already known
Looking to live
looking to breath easier
Finding that I've been a man from under
Under my skin I am a man
Under my skin I am the man I wish to be
In my heart I'm the man that some can't see
In my soul I am a man
In my eyes and in my soul in my heart and in the deepest depths of my being I am and have always been a man.
Ones that shun me have no business to put me down.
Ones who shun me have no business in my life.
This is my truth.
This is my life.
I am a man.
I will always be a man.
No matter who says otherwise.
I AM A MAN!
One day very soon I'll show you all just how much of a man I am.
I am real just as any man is real.
I keep it honest & true.
I protect what is mine.
I protect my family.
I will protect the kids I shall have.
I will protect everything and everyone that I claim as part of my family.
A man I am and respect I deserve.
I do more than some of these half ass men on this earth.
I work constantly on trying to better the world.
I work hard to better myself as well.
I write and I inspire.
Can some of you other men say that very same thing?
Don't cast the first stone.
If you are unwilling to have the glass home broken.
I have been a man since birth.
I was only born with the wrong parts.
My parts didn't grow the right way.
But I've always known that I was a man am a man.
So to cast a stone you most first cast it at yourself.
I am a man weather you wish me to be or not.

Vic, know that I will always love you. That the ones who support you my dear will always be there. Keep your head held high and please know that when a stone is cast just kick it aside.

Opinions of a few I have met (Nothing bad I swear!)

  I never thought I would ever get to the point where I could say that I was loved as I can say now. Maybe it's because I have several loves in my life. Not just my partners but family as well. I'm going to share my insight on a few people I have met in such a short time. Starting from a loving big sister to people that touch my life deeply every day even if they don't know it.

  First my partners, although I do not mention them by name here I really want to share how I see them. I feel everything with them and sometimes I do cry. Being so far away from them is a struggle for me. I hate where I live with a passion. Yet, I know my time with them is coming and when it does people who get in the way of my happiness will really wish they hadn't. I would do anything for my partners and I truly hope they realize that. I would tell them anything and I really try. Each and every single one of them brings something inside of me alive. They make me feel alive, cared for, loved, cherished, unique, & most importantly I am IN love with them. That's the most important thing to me. They all are the most important people in my life except for my adopted family.

   My Two Big Brothers I love them deeply. They apart of my adopted family and I wouldn't trade anything in this world that would make it less true. I would however trade anything in this world to keep them in my life. I don't think either of them know or understand just how much they affect my life just by being who they are. They make me want to be somebody rather than nobody at all.

  My adopted family period. I love them always have always will for the last 3 years and nothing and no one could ever change my love for them. I'd fight to the death to keep them in my life. I could never ask for more for a family. Nothing really ever seems right unless I tell them how I am or how I am feeling.

  VeeVee...I haven't known her long but I truly care for her deeply. She's like the big sister I never had (I do have a big sister that a half-sister but she doesn't treat me well) Vee is sweet, compassionate, warm, caring, loving, and all around sexy person who could never be replaced in this world. She lifts me up even when I don't need lifting and she gives so much of herself in her writing. She makes sure a person gets the message the first time and never let's you down not even when she thinks she does. Vee has so much pride that I don't think she sees it truly in herself. Not like a lot of us see it anyways. There are so many wonderful things about her and I could go on and on about how I see her. But, I have no desire to make her cry. I just wanted to share a little insight on how I see her. She is also like a big brother to me because as much as I love her she has her Vic side. They are nearly the same person just. Hehe you rarely can tell the difference unless she is mad or in a very excited mood.

  Matt is a sweet heart from the blog 2 boys in love. I can not tell him enough because honestly he is special to me and I have never in my life met the man. His & Brad's blog talks about so real honest things that make me smile, laugh, anger (when Matt posted about seeing the guy from high school), cry & sometimes I just do two things out of the list all at once. Not the anger though that is reserved for the bad shit that has happened. I see so many people who cares for Matt & Brad both that it makes me smile make me grin and yes sometimes even makes me cry. I never knew there could be so many caring people out there towards anyone. Matt always brings his best and his worst and seems to blend it together. Sometimes he is a bundle of nerves and we're all trying to tell him. TAKE a step back, breathe, relax, take a step forward. I'm an overprotective big sister. To me Matt is like a little brother to me.

  Brad is a bossy sweetheart. his love for Matt shines through when he is posting about Matt. I would kick anyone's ass over hurting either Brad or Matt. This is just the kind of person I am. Brad is a good deal many things. He has said that I am a sweetheart and sometimes I honestly think I can be a bitch. But, Brad he can make a smile come onto anyones face. Make their day even when they truly don't want to be in a good mood. (I should know he does it to me each and every time I read something he has posted and same can be said for Matt.) You see Brad has touched my heart in more ways then well I think he realizes. I find myself rooting for Brad & Matt every day and I pray for them at night. It's not a worry pray either it is just thanking god that I have him in my life. I can share in some things by reading Matt & Brad's blog and lord knows I put in a good dose of my own opinion in there. I am rambling AGAIN.

  Sid lord he has made me smile a lot and cry and just all around makes me see things in a different light every day. He doesn't mince words and he gets straight to the point. He's honest he's got opinions he has determination. He doesn't in the least strike me as a person who would hurt you on purpose. Unless his friends and family were hurt then you very well may have a very pissed off Sid on your hands. I for one rather have Sid on my good side and it's not because he scares me either. It's because I respect and love his opinions. I know he'd give honest opinions and encouragement no matter what.

  I can never say to much about people I care for and I know I missed a couple people. Like Thorny & Jazz. I honestly don't know how to some up those two into mere words. I can go on and on about how they both can make me smile because of their blog posts. I can say so many great things about all of them. What it comes right down to is the simple fact that. I am so damn glad that I am getting to know them. Getting to form my very own opinions of them. I think they are good opinions about them. I wouldn't change anything I don't regret meeting and talking to them and I truly hope and pray everything in their lives stays good and some things get better.

  So you all might gather I have formed many opinions on some people. I want to share that and then I want to smile and just sit back and think of things that have made me smile. Because honestly I have been given a lot of reasons to smile. A lot of reasons to laugh. A lot of reasons to be excited for some. It's not just what I want to say about people that matter though.

  What truly matters in any ones life is what they themselves think of who they are. I want them to understand that it matters not what others think of you. Not the bad they think of you in anyways. The good can be uplifting. The bad things though are the downers. You can't let that affect you. The reason for that is because once that affects you fully and you start thinking of yourself in a bad light is the time people that love you start worrying a lot about you. The downers are idiots plain and simple. No one should have the right to judge you except for one. That's god and why would he judge us for being who he made us to be? God doesn't make mistakes. He makes us who we are for a reason.

  I want to close with showing a video I think I posted it up a little farther back but only as a link not the video itself on here. (Because I didn't know how yet! My bad.) I hope today is a great day for everyone. Smile, Laugh, dance, dream, hope, enjoy yourself. Above all else continue to love yourself. I think you all are amazing. So the song Amazing is put into this post. George Michael's rocks and he's someone I hope people know well enough to understand his music.

Big Brothers & My Adopted Family && My Loves

  I have two adopted big brothers. I will not tell you their names as I do not have their permission to tell you that. I was 17 when I first met them and I thought I was IN love with them. Well I was but sometimes things are not meant to be. I love them as my brothers now and I wouldn't trade that for the world. They love me like my blood family should have always loved me.

  I remember while we were still together and they would call me that my mother would steal the phone away and run to a different room and lock me out of it. At first I didn't know what was being said and then I realized that she didn't say it to my face because she didn't want me knowing how she felt.

  I now know that she would tell both of my big brothers that I should be made into a housewife. Taught my place. ~Laughs softly~ Oh hell the one told her that they wanted me to follow my heart and go for my dreams...That was a big mistake because it made my mother work harder to get us separated.

   I still love them both dearly and I always will they are a part of my adopted family and they treat me like a real family should. We have our problems still sure, but that doesn't mean that they don't love me still you know? I find myself crying and thinking of good memories and all I can do is think I messed up. Everything feels like I am falling off the edge of the world. I feel like I can at the drop of a dime ball like a big old baby. I am trying hard to stand on my own and not lean on my adopted family or anyone and it kills because they want to protect me and make the tears go away.

  My loves are just like that as well everyone wants to make it all better for me. I'm scared to let them because every time Ii get close to someone my blood family tries to ruin many of the things already built. I used to be such an angry young girl back then. Now, well I am well on the way of recovering from my short temper.

 Oh yeah and I am still NOT a housewife. My mother still can't get me to want to be a housewife like her and it is killing her. My big brothers understand that I don't wish to be just a housewife. My Love's also understand that that is not the only thing I want in my life. Every day I feel like crying but, I try to keep my thoughts positive. Now I am going to focus on gaining the life that I want.

  I am more than ready to become the woman I need to be and should be. With the help of my adopted family and my loves I do believe I will more then make it happen! Don't you think so, too?