Been A while

  I've not been in the mood to write much lately here. So this is a 3 week update.

     After march 2nd I started having dreams and freaking out big time. I've been trying to rest a bit better and this past weekend the dreams shifted and filtered out becoming more good than bad. I've been dealing with that and on top of it all I've been dealing with the simple fact of keeping my niece in my sister's and mine's home.

    My sister left the idiot. Has an EPO out on him and all is well you'd think right? HA! Not a damn chance. We had to spend one whole day cleaning up after him to get our place spotless. One whole freaking day oh yeah talk about sore and tired I was and my sister was as well. Plus the calls that were no answers and I'm not stupid I knew who those calls and hang ups were. Not to mention and this is what puts a burr under my ass cheeks. He asked for DNA on the baby. Now mind you we all know my sister was faithful to his sorry ass. We all know that the baby is his. He's just doing it to hurt my sister and get back at her.

    I've been trying my hardest to keep calm with that and other things going on. I'm happy to say my niece is sleeping better and she's found her voice. Gods please let her hush for five minutes during the day for me though please! Just five minutes is all I'm asking LMAO! She has been going non-stop for about a week and a half now. To be honest it makes me happy to know that the baby is doing so much better. I love my niece so much.


    I've been trying to get my mind set on writing my books and stories but ugh all this is driving me up the wall. I'll get there I am sure of it. So since I've been trying too write I've realized that I've never really shared to much of my writing perhaps some here and there. Eh I'll get around to that at some point. I'm on and off here a lot so I'll give updates weekly or so don't worry to much about me I'm fine!

Music! & Updating

  So as of late I've been feeling really in the mood to listen to Maddi Jane. She does songs of other artists and honestly I like what she did with a certain song.

   Now I guess everyone might want to ask why I enjoy this song? Well I just enjoy it know the meaning and understand it. Plus I enjoy music it's my thing. I love to sing but I don't record myself except for my partners. I'm a bit scared of what others think of my voice. Not because I think they'll dislike it but because of the people who have put me down when I've sung. So I just hold those small singing bits for my partners because they enjoy it.


  I'm trying to keep my head on my shoulders right now. Mostly because I'm still worrying to much about things I can't change. I'm trying to find the things that I need to get done. plus everything that is going on around me is getting my head spinning. So the update would be. I'm fine just a lot on my mind is all. I've been thinking to much and worrying to much but all in all I'm fine. ~Hums softly to the song above~

4 Reasons Why..........& A long bitchy story

Alright so I know I might have worried a few people with being away for quite a few days. I'm going to give a list of reasons why.


1. Ex-roommate (Oh yes I said EX)
2. I need some time to chill out from those problems
3. I don't want to take things out on others
4. I have limited computer time on my mother's desktop (She has college work needless to say for the rest of this week.)

  Alright to address the first reason why I ain't been online posting to many comments. It was Dec. 2nd the day after I got the stuff I needed to get done for heat and what not and everything done. I wanted to check to see if I could fix my laptops charger and went over to my parents. I had it out in words with my roommate a few minutes before going up. Now I did go back down to get some clothes about 2 pm EST. The door was locked FROM the inside. I knocked and knocked and got fed the hell up. (No key to unlock the door for any of us. The EX-roommate was inside anyways.) I went down to that little country store we have in my little small town. That was around 4 PM EST. I came back and went down again to get me some clothes. Can you guess were this is going. Door locked no answer from inside.


  Now I have a temper a really big temper. I came back up to my parents and grabbed one of those small hammers that a strong man could break. I went back down and knocked louder and again no answer. What do you think I did? ~Evil grin~ I'm a bitch...There WAS glass on the front door and when I got no answer I smashed the damn glass so I could get in. THAT was when the ex-roommate heard me. I find it absolutely idiotic that she heard glass breaking but couldn't hear me knocking quite loudly. She had jumped up and instantly started cussing me. Oh no no no no no no that is the biggest no no when I am already mad as hell about not getting to where everything I own is at.

  She is cussing me and telling me I had no right and said she wanted the cops called. This is about the time my mother gets down there. (I did have permission to break the window before doing it. My parents are the one that rent the place to begin with!) I still have the hammer in my hand and getting cussed and my temper is not in check. So I turn around and start cleaning up my mess getting all that glass out of the window of the door and she cussing me every breath. I am not fond of being yelled at and not fond of people telling me what I would and would not do if someone else was there. My father wasn't home and nither was the ex-roommate's boyfriend. Like I told her "Oh yes I would and I'll tell them both when they get back that I did it and why." I HATE being locked out of my place. She over stepped the boundaries by talking about me and my BIG pussy. ~Takes deep breath~ Oh yeah one I haven't had anything and won't until I move to Tennessee so one that was a hell "Bitch you are one to talk about BIG pussy...." But I didn't say anything I bit my tongue and turned and started doing what I was. (Hammer still in hand! Idiot! Don't insult a woman who has a weapon and will USE IT!)

  Pat, a friend from up the road stopped and the ex-roommate is screaming at her to call the police. At this time I am so fed up with her yelling I make sure Pat can hear me and say "Pat, don't worry you don't have to call the cops I will." I walked up to my parents house and dialed 911 and stayed at my parents house and held my niece to calm down fully. (Surprisingly she fell asleep in my arms and I was calmer.) Cops did come and asked me the problem and I told them. The ex-roommate was told that I had every right to be able to get into my home and to my things.

  Now I don't mind being told I ain't allowed to eat her food. I don't mind that I was told not to sit on her things. I don't mind that she was talking behind my back when I went down there to get some of my things after the cops left. I just could give a fuck less what she thinks of me. BUT, what I do mind is people who over step clear boundaries....My partners, My Love Life, Even my private parts are not something ANYONE needs to talk about or use to insult me. If you're grown enough to run your mouth at least be grown enough to know what you say. I am very evil when it comes to getting what I need done. I held it in and didn't hit her. But, I still had to go back the next day to get the REST of my belongings.



Dec. 3rd
   Don't think for a minute that I was going to wait for everything to blow over. I paid my fair share of rent and I had every right to go into that place. I waited until near dark because they were out doing gods knows what. I think that I would rather not know one little bit. I was going to let my father handle it but I needed to get everything that I owed so I went down to. No sooner than walking in she is ordering my father to tell me to get out? Can anyone say INSTANT pissed off mood! Kitty Kat was out and claws where sharp. If she had STAYED out of my face. She'd of been A-okay. I took so much of her yelling in my face before shoving her out of my face.

  She swung on me. Now I don't know about anyone else but, with me it is the biggest mistake in your life to swing at me even once. I've had to fight for 10 years to keep myself safe and unharmed. (Not always possible mind you but still.) She connected with my chest and I was more pissed off than before. Face okay hit me in the face that's alright but you won't get away with it. Hit me in the chest and I'm going to go for the other person's face not the chest. That is what I did. Now hair grabbing and pulling in a fight is a HELL NO. A big do not do it when I am fighting someone. She pulled my hair. I punched her all that much harder before yanking her hair to force her to let go. I am normally a sweet down to earth woman but, get on my bad side and you throw the first punch and I won't be so sweet.

  I don't know what it is with people getting in the middle of two fighting women but her boyfriend got in the middle. We had four rounds and she said something about my men AGAIN! I took it once but I'd be damned if I was going to take it more than that once. I pounced again. I am not one bit sorry I won't be sorry I don't regret it. She asked for every bit of what I gave to her. She screaming that we always treated her badly? Ding round three was on it's way to being up against her indian knick knacks. She grabbed the hair AGAIN! For gods sake I hate a bitch who can't fight with fists and has to grab hair to fight. I had it all I had was my fists and she wanted to grab hair alright then I'll show her who was the one coming out on top.

  After that round she tried to hit my mother. I know I don't like my mother but, when she wasn't even doing anything nobody is going to go after her. I shoved her into the kitchen and away from my mother and me. Now I said I didn't have any weapons but my fists well she picked up an old time cast iron skillet those really heavy ones. My sister walked in at just the right time to grab her around the arms when I had my back turned. I grabbed the skillet and tossed it back into the kitchen and swept her feet out from under her. I was getting tired of this idiot and just went to get my things. My father just let us fight it out. Tim..the ex-roommate's boyfriend was outside because he couldn't handle it. All I went down there for was my things. I got a lot more than that.

  I know this is a bad side of me but, honestly I don't know how to back down when someone is coming at me and screaming in my face and being warned I won't take it much longer. I was fair I didn't pick anything up on her to hit her with. All I hit her with were my fists. I am so tired of finding that people can be cruel when all you ever tried to do was do things that they asked of you. I cooked for her and watched her act like a child most nights with her man. I watched that very same man walk out the door to calm down after she had treated him poorly. Yet, I was the one who had done everything wrong in her eyes. I was the one who was lying. I don't think so. I put up with many many things in my life BUT, that is not one of them.

  I am always honest no matter what I do. I try every day to get up and smile. I would rather be happy than handle a 39 year old baby! Who when she doesn't get her way throws a fit and goes to her room to scream and pout and act like it's all someone elses fault but her own. I was raised to be respectful to people older than me. I learned that when the ones older than you don't give respect that they should not get it. Because they take advantage of you once you give them respect and an ounce of power. Not everyone is like that but some that I have met really are like that. I can't handle 25 and up adults acting like they want everyone to do everything for them. That isn't how the world works. You have to do things for yourself and stand on your own. It's nice when you can say that you can and that you don't have to do it all alone though.

  I want to have everything in order and right. I don't need to be treated like I'm a doormat and I won't be treated like that. I think everyone should know that. I can be sweet and kind and loving. Just never go to hit me and everything will be fine. Treat me the way you wish to be treated and I'll treat you the same. We all put our close on the same way. One leg at a time and one arm at a time.

Trusting...Real Life vs. Online

  Alright I have problems trusting people in real life. Yeah sure I'm always up to meeting new people in real life. Always ready to take on the toughest parts of my real everyday life but, trusting someone really trusting them with everything I have is hard.

  At first, when I wrote about my roommate and her boyfriend I said everything was going great. Until I found out that the roommate told something to My mother that was PRIVATE. Just between her and I. Excuse me bitch mood here but, I have to say it.

  When you are TRUSTED with INFORMATION that a person doesn't want THEIR PARENT knowing about YOU DO NOT under ANY way betray that trust!

  What is this over well I didn't want my mother knowing how many partners I had. Excuse me for living but, she DOESN'T need to be in the business of my fucking love life! Thta is why it is MY LOVE LIFE!!!

  I have that little problem of trust in real life because of a roommate before this one telling my mother EVERYTHING. I thought an older roommate wouldn't betray that trust. I was very oh so very wrong.

  Let's go into a bit of detail here on this. My roommate is 39 nearing 40 years of age. She's been around the block has five kids and three ex-husbands. I told her little things at first and my mother never came out with any of it. Now when I started borrowing her laptop after my laptop's screen busted she had no problem with it. Or so I thought.

  I was wondering how my mother would know the EXACT number of partners I had since the last time I spoke to her about them it was about 4 less than what it is today. I don't trust my mother, I don't trust my father. I DID however trust my roommate with information that would and could harm me if my mother was ever told. So when my mother says " Oh I hear you have_____ men now." (Sorry I trust yall but I don't want yall thinking badly of the number.) I was like WTF!?!?!?!?!?! Okay, so my mind goes through the only people to know that information. There is myself, my partners, my roommate and her boyfriend. My mother says my roommate told her. Is she lying? I don't think she is.

  Trust is improteant to me both in real life and online. I trust my friends online more than I do the people that are face to face with me constantly. Why? Because they can't lie straight to my face. Yeah people can still lie to me BUT if they do at least they ain't looking me in the eyes when they lie to me. Most of my online friends and family know about my partners and know how many I have. They don't put me down for it and they don't say that I am "Going against god."

  So online vs real life trusting. I trust more people online then I do face to face. The people I meet online don't try to make me feel bad about myself. Matter of fact they uplift me, support me, love me, care for me, and all around they are there for me no matter what I am going through.

  I know Ivan and Milo are busy but Iv has been checking on me for the past few weeks making sure I am okay. Making sure I ain't lost it due to my stress in real life. He's a big brother to me and he's one of the best.

  Vic loves and supports me even though he is so busy with his own life. He's an amazing big brother as well.

  Matt is a sweetheart of a little brother. I love and trust him Even with the most private things about myself.

  Brad is also the sweetheart little brother I have.I trust love and care about him a lot. He's never judged me and I am pretty sure he never will.

  Sid is family as well. I don't talk to him much these days BUT, he is still family.

  You see family even though it's through a computer I trust with heart and soul. They don't judge me and they don't care what is going on in my life as long as I am okay and safe and feeling alright. They only ask of me what I ask of them. Love, support, trust,  a little time to understand, Trust, caring, And SUPPORT! (I know support is in there twice it's because it is important. and Trust is as well. But it's ALL important!)



  Perhaps this is a bitchy post but I think trust is very important and I won't say I am sorry for saying what I did because I mean it. The trailer I live in is mine when it's paid off by my father. (That surprised the hell out of me but I think he doesn't want anyone else but, family living in the three trailers.) I don't want to live in that trailer for the rest of my life BUT, it's still mine. I've come close to saying something to my roommate tonight BUT you know what it's not even worth fighting over. She just lost my trust and she can't gain it back not after all the bithing she did to my mother and what she told to my mother. My personal life when it comes to my blood family is just that PERSONAL. It's not so much to ask for that someone give me the trust that I put in them. Oh wait she says I "Disappointed her." Okay perhaps this is a small bitchy thing to but she BETRAYED my trust and me! So her disappointment can be shoved up her ass. I do every fucking thing she asks of me and yet this is how I am repaid? My mother gets told something about my personal life and I am supposed to just forget about it right? WRONG!!!


  Okay I think my bitching is done hope it doesn't make any of you mad I don't want that I just needed a place to vent and give some shout outs to my family that I love that are all over this world!  Send me an email sometime Family I kinda just need some time away from myself but I'll answer some emails and blog a little bit.


  I think tomorrow I'll put up some lists that are important to me. (Some may be repeats Sorry!) I think I need a little bit of a uplifting post rather than a downer one. So I think that is what I'll do tomorrow night. At some point since I can only get on at night unless I go over to my parents and use there screen to get on my own laptop. (Which I did tonight! Thank you very much.) So talk to you later or well type at yall laters I think I am going to go hit the hay in another 20 minutes and just try to chill. (Yes I know I have to go back over to my trailer just fucking peachy.Not really.)

Mini Monday

  Alright so I've been slacking just a tad bit on posting here. I've been keeping to myself emailing peoples and talking to my partners.

  I've had a rough couple weeks. Been trying to keep the cold away and failing. Dealing with things that only a couple people know about. Trying hard not to think about it and deal with everything else. I remember that my big brother Vic told me once to take the day off because of all the stress. I did and this go around I took more than a day off to cope and deal with everything.


  It's nothing against anyone I just needed a bit of a break and a bit of time to myself to think and write and come to terms with everything. I'll post some things later on that is kinda an update and some lists during the week perhaps I haven't decided.

Facts & Good News

  Alright so I thought about everything long and hard through the days and nights and found that most everyone that reads my blog I love to death! Not everyone though knows some big facts about me. So I'm going to share a few facts about me and some false ones to see if anyone can guess. (Have got to thank Ivvie from over at Ivan & Friends for his own facts about the bloggsters of his hehe.)

1. I was born in Ohio and raised there until I was about 18 (True or False)
2. I hate snakes & Spiders (True or false)
3. I love to sing & dance (True or False)
4. I hate to read (Easy one and I'll tel lyou the answer now that's false....I love to read.)
5. Barney the Purple Dinosaur was my hero growing up. (True or False)
6. I loved Barney as a child (True or False)
7. Ivvie is my adopted Big Brother (TRUE!! I'm going to just give yall that one)
8. I have adopted quite a few of my blogging friends at family (Again this is a given Truth)
9. I'm a blonde but I have red hair (True or false)
10. I am thinking about trying anal sex (true or false)
11. People think I am sweet yet I beg to differ with them (True or false)
12. I'm still a virgin (True or false)
13. I'll be 21 in February (Truth from hell)
14. I like to make sure people are okay even if I worry my ass off about them when they tell me they are fine (True or false)

Okay since I know some are true and I gave some of the answers perhaps next time I'll just make them harder these are easy and oh yeah SHE HAD THE BABY AND NOW I AM AN AUNT AGAIN!!!! LORDY LORD PLEASE HELP ME WITH THAT ONE!  Mini update...Baby weighed in at 9 pounds 10 ounces and is 21 inches long. What a DAMN big baby girl she had hmm??? Oh yeah I was flipping dead the fuck out on the poundage of the baby but you know what I told everyone that was important to me about the baby being born. So am I excited? A bit but that is subject to change when my sister gets home and bitches and whines about everything of that I am sure. Can't wait to see the baby though. (I am hoping and praying it has less of the baby daddy's features than it does of my sister's at least then hehe I can say she had a child that looks a lot like her. (Although the baby is a bit bigger than she was when she was born 19 years ago lol.)