Temper be Told & Truth be Told

  Does everyone have a temper? I always wondered what set my temper off the most? What hurt me the most? What made me feel the lowest?

  I'm 21 years old and know just about everything that sets me off. Sometimes I just want to bust people in the mouth because they set me off. They think that they know everything, that they can treat someone so poorly and not have someone lose their temper.

  I know all the bibles commandments. Honor thy mother and thy father? That is the biggest one that gets me. You have to honor them? What does it really mean? Respect them? I don't know how to really explain what I feel towards my mother and my father. It's some where between dislike and serve hatred.

  I know some wouldn't understand how I feel about them. These are two people who have literally put me down about myself. They have hit me one to many times for my liking yet when ever they say "Lucy we need this amount of money to keep...." whatever freaking bill on I normally never tell them no but gods how I wish I could.

  I feel walls enclose around me. Feel like I have to do everything they say just because I use their net to get online. I help them with that when I can.

  Now, to say that I'm pissed off would be one major thing. A 12 year old saying she needs to calm her nerves down. (My youngest sister.) Excuse me for saying this but, the child has it made. She doesn't get picked on in school she's well liked, she has friends more than any girl really needs. Excuse me for thinking that she's just a child who has nothing to worry about but her grades and her friends. Yet, she cries each and every time she's asked to do something.

  When I was her age I was getting picked on constantly. I was being hit and called names. I fought back and earned a lot of bruises through out my school career. I had to worry about which person would jump me with a hoard of others to back them up. I had perhaps five true friends that would be there to help me whenever I needed it. By the time I was a freshmen in high school I was known as the one that didn't give up or back down. But, to say that I didn't give up would be a lie. I gave up that year. I transferred to an online school which I had talked about before.

  I don't take well to being bossed around by people. Last person who tried to boss me ended up told off. (Mind you this was a lazy boss who had something against women working in a recycling center. That wasn't my main boss though. My main boss died Aug. 3rd 2011. This was after I had been fired for a year already. I don't regret standing up for myself.) I'm free spirited and a bit temperamental. If a boss is nice and asks for something and isn't prejudice then I'm fine with working for them.

  I guess the reasons I'm so mad and needed to vent about all of it is because of how I'm treated. Bossy ass people get annoying. Ones who think and wish to act like they are my "mother" are ignored. Which is one reason I'm not to well liked by many face to face I would guess. I've get a mean ass temper that can bite people on the ass if they say something that sets me off.

  What I'm saying is that not everyone knows or sees what I feel. They can guess and ask but when it comes right down to it....I'm guarded. So deeply that I fight the ones closest to me. I care deeply for people but, I also still guard myself just in case.

  My temper is a defense.
  My anger is a defense.
  My hatred is a defense.
  My guarding of myself is a defense.


  My sweetness is something I thought I lost. Yet, my adopted family they think I'm sweet, kind, caring, & loyal.

  Yet, when I go on the defensive that sweet, loving, caring, loyal woman just becomes and evil bitch. One who has hatred, anger, hurtful thoughts & doesn't care until it's to late to take something back.

  I started referring to that hurtful angry side of me as Kitty Kat. (Also one of my partners calls me this when I am being sweet towards him.)

  I'm also very prideful. Which honestly is very bad because when pride gets in the way. Well, I don't admit that I'm wrong much to anyone.




  So, Truth be told on the truth about my temper. A lot can set it off. My mother (Biological), My father (biological), my sisters (biological), my brothers (biological), know it all people, & bossy people.


  Also truth be told I love to learn. Love to read and write. Absolutely love to talk to my partners. I'm very sweet when I'm calm. I'm not just a child anymore. I have feelings that are real and true.


  Everything seems so suffocating when I'm angry or upset. I seem to lose myself at times to the anger and I seem to not wish to calm down right away. Writing helps that a lot. Although sometimes my writing when I'm mad is dark and dangerous.

Day before 21st

(Warning: I am very depressed right now. I don't want to depress anyone with this so the warning is going up. Don't worry.)

  So it's the day before my 21st and I'm just feeling a bit down in the dumps. Yes like most kids today I've dreamed about my 18th and my 21st birthdays from the time I was a child.

  I realize honestly nothing much has changed since I was a kid except I'm older. I'm wiser and just I'm an adult.

  I guess what has me so down is the fact I really messed up something great and I'm not going into details about it all. Just know I don't feel like celebrating my birthday I don't feel like doing much of anything except staying in bed and covering my head to the sunshine for the whole day. That sounds about the best thing I could do right now. Means I won't hurt anyone I won't be a coastal bitch on the people I love. I just won't be able to do that if I'm no where near the computer to talk to anyone that I really really love to death.

  To explain a small bit. When I am so high on sugar and caffeinated drinks I am such a vindictive, hateful bitch to the people that are the very closest to me. Why, I can't really explain it. I just am and I know it yet I still consume a lot of sugar everyday.

  I've been swearing to myself to cool it on the sweets. Promising for months to stop all the sugar that I consume but I didn't and it's my own fault for everything that's been going on.

I've had my really good days when I'm on a small amount of sugar and I'm just really mellow. But, more than that small amount then something very small can set me off. Something small and petty sets me off and once I come down off it all I realize I was stupid and hateful and hurtful.



  What I can say at this moment the night before my 21st birthday is that I'm still alive, still breathing. What else I can say is that I'm in a very bad mood and I'm not sure if I want to so much as smile or laugh at this moment. I just feel really really off and it is truly my fault. I'm going to end this post with a song that I sing a lot and another song that just expresses truly what I wish to sing and remind myself of.