Day before 21st

(Warning: I am very depressed right now. I don't want to depress anyone with this so the warning is going up. Don't worry.)

  So it's the day before my 21st and I'm just feeling a bit down in the dumps. Yes like most kids today I've dreamed about my 18th and my 21st birthdays from the time I was a child.

  I realize honestly nothing much has changed since I was a kid except I'm older. I'm wiser and just I'm an adult.

  I guess what has me so down is the fact I really messed up something great and I'm not going into details about it all. Just know I don't feel like celebrating my birthday I don't feel like doing much of anything except staying in bed and covering my head to the sunshine for the whole day. That sounds about the best thing I could do right now. Means I won't hurt anyone I won't be a coastal bitch on the people I love. I just won't be able to do that if I'm no where near the computer to talk to anyone that I really really love to death.

  To explain a small bit. When I am so high on sugar and caffeinated drinks I am such a vindictive, hateful bitch to the people that are the very closest to me. Why, I can't really explain it. I just am and I know it yet I still consume a lot of sugar everyday.

  I've been swearing to myself to cool it on the sweets. Promising for months to stop all the sugar that I consume but I didn't and it's my own fault for everything that's been going on.

I've had my really good days when I'm on a small amount of sugar and I'm just really mellow. But, more than that small amount then something very small can set me off. Something small and petty sets me off and once I come down off it all I realize I was stupid and hateful and hurtful.



  What I can say at this moment the night before my 21st birthday is that I'm still alive, still breathing. What else I can say is that I'm in a very bad mood and I'm not sure if I want to so much as smile or laugh at this moment. I just feel really really off and it is truly my fault. I'm going to end this post with a song that I sing a lot and another song that just expresses truly what I wish to sing and remind myself of.