This is for Vic (I love you)

I am a man:


Days creep by and flash around
Trying to find what I've already known
Looking to live
looking to breath easier
Finding that I've been a man from under
Under my skin I am a man
Under my skin I am the man I wish to be
In my heart I'm the man that some can't see
In my soul I am a man
In my eyes and in my soul in my heart and in the deepest depths of my being I am and have always been a man.
Ones that shun me have no business to put me down.
Ones who shun me have no business in my life.
This is my truth.
This is my life.
I am a man.
I will always be a man.
No matter who says otherwise.
I AM A MAN!
One day very soon I'll show you all just how much of a man I am.
I am real just as any man is real.
I keep it honest & true.
I protect what is mine.
I protect my family.
I will protect the kids I shall have.
I will protect everything and everyone that I claim as part of my family.
A man I am and respect I deserve.
I do more than some of these half ass men on this earth.
I work constantly on trying to better the world.
I work hard to better myself as well.
I write and I inspire.
Can some of you other men say that very same thing?
Don't cast the first stone.
If you are unwilling to have the glass home broken.
I have been a man since birth.
I was only born with the wrong parts.
My parts didn't grow the right way.
But I've always known that I was a man am a man.
So to cast a stone you most first cast it at yourself.
I am a man weather you wish me to be or not.

Vic, know that I will always love you. That the ones who support you my dear will always be there. Keep your head held high and please know that when a stone is cast just kick it aside.

Random Monday Lists

Alright so I'm going to start something that is different. I was up late last night thinking about the guessing game I used to play as a kid. (Yes the 1- whatever number I could think of and count too LOL!) Anyways, everyone knows I can be sweet so I thought about doing a list of things I worry about constantly but, I'm not like that so I won't I wanted so bad to find the things in my life that made me Happy though and make a list of them. So I thought about it and I know I might have listed it somewhere once before. Also some other lists to give you some ideas of what I like in a few things.

Things that make me truly happy...

1.My Partners

2. My adopted family

3. My online friends from the blogs who really know me as me

4. Talking to people who get it

5. Writing and reading

6. Painting

7. Making people smile or laugh

8. Hanging out with a dear woman who gets what I want in life (Woman is living with my parents and I so I see her everyday)

9. Being made to laugh and smile

10. Finding more things that I enjoy

Make-up I like

1. White Eyeliner (To my cowboy's dismay ~Snickers~ He'll understand when he see's my Blue-Green eyes with the touch of brown in them highlighted.)

2. Gold Lipstick (Add a touch of white coat to lighten the gold a bit and you have a golden kiss!)

3. Blue eye shadow

4. Sage eye shadow

5. White eye shadow (This is to lighten the blue and sage I use and sometimes the purple I use as well.)

6. Black Lipstick (I will not be wearing this much anymore but I still like it!)

7. Any nail polish the I can get my hands on!

8. I like that smokey effect products that they have out there

9. Teal eyeliner (The cream type love it need to get more of that and the silvery one too MHM!)

10. I like a lot of the eyeliner, eye shadows and lipsticks & Lip glosses out there....I always loved dark colors never bright but I'm trying something new and well light colors are coming into play slowly (What I won't try for people that I love and love me. LOVE IS GREAT THOUGH!)

Clothing I like on Men

1. Tight black jeans (Yummy!)

2. Pink button up shirts or T-Shirts (Think that the darker you are the darker the pink should be though!)

3. Anything that looks clean cut and nice on a man (Short list oops lol)

Things that catch my eye on a man or woman

1. Eyes

2. Ass (MHM)

3. Confidence (The way a person walks.)

Things I love about My Partners!

1. The way they understand that even when I am in a bad mood they just nod and listen to what I have to say. Venting is my worst flaw because I take it out on the person I am venting on. (I know Bad girl! Bad Kat!) Everything though works out as well.

2. The way they reassure me that I will be with them soon enough. Even when I doubt that it will be soon.

3. The way they all know when I need to hear or see the words "I love you, Kat" (I admit sometimes I get needy to know they still love me. I am scared and rightfully so due to my past.)

4. The way when I'm mad at one of them the others try to talk me down to a calm level

5. The little surprises they tend to have for me when I'm feeling down about something large for me.

6. When they make me smile and they don't really know it

7. The way they make me laugh

8. The way they try to make me feel better and gain that

9. Just all the little things they have done even though we live apart from each other (For the moment!)

10. The way I love them and they me without having to hide it. We can be honest with each other and have our feelings out there. (Even though I am hard headed and make them fight for it sometimes)

I have separate lists for my partners because they each do their own thing but, I mean I'm sure one day soon I'll put those lists up but, right now no I'll make you all wait. (I'm mean but, it gives me more to talk about later on!)

Delighted and so bothered

  ~Squeals~ I got to hear my Baby and my Cowboy tonight! ~Shivers of delight~ We've been no phone contact this whole time just My Wild Fire's songs and things and it's like OMG my baby did this for me.

  Okay so we all know that my partners and I are a long distance relationship what with me in Kentucky and they in Tennessee it's hard on all of us. MHM! My baby and I got into some deeper heavier things about the past and how I feel and yes I balled like a baby a bit. I have held in many things from my past for far to long and that scares most of my partners.

  It scares me to that I bottle it up and bottle it up until I can't take it anymore. He knows how my parents dislike anyone from my adopted family making an attempt at making me happy or making me smile. But nothing could diminish the mood I was in and still am in! I got to talk to my baby and my cowboy all in one night that was great and amazing and it made me happy because it was something new something we'd never had a chance to do until today and well. Can you tell I'm happy as hell and I think I'm bouncing in my seat still!?!?!

  I won't tell everything just that it makes me yearn more to be by their sides and they know and understand this and know that I am trying to get into a school down there so I can do everything that I need to do! Okay I need to chill out because honestly the happiness meter I have is over flowing! But, seriously tonight has been great and just well amazing and GUESS WHAT? We can do it again soon as he and the others have enough time out of their work life to talk a little more. ~Fans self~ Oi I can't help but be excited.

  Yes I am a bit overly happy I know but, if most understood how hard it is to be apart from the one or ones you love you'd get and understand that this sucks for me. I take it one day at a time and everything will fall into place with my life. Just as it will for everyone else I know. Just smile take it one day at a time and learn that praying helps and it doesn't matter who you pray to as long as you believe in something of higher power. I take what life throws out at me as smoothly as I possibly can. It's hard but, I do get through it with help from my supportive partners and my adopted family (Big Bro Vic and some other special people I know.)

  So yes I'm happy even with something so little BUT, it was so huge and meaningful to me. So much so that I wrote a letter to them all but, I am not posting that here it's for them and them only because it has a lot of very personal things in it for our eyes only. Nothing personal against anyone but, some love letters just are to personal to share out there with everyone.

Searching The Stars

  I watched the night sky late last night and will again tonight. I counted the stars like I did when I was just a small child. I felt like for once I could still be me and watch a star fall or sparkle. I never knew how stars could be like people and like life until I sat watching the stars.

  I wished upon a star that twinkled last night. It felt so much like when I was a small child of about five years old. Yet, the wishes are different when you are older. One day your wishing upon the stars for a bicycle and the next it is wishing that your life would turn out just the way it should.

  My wishes, My Dreams, My hopes & My heart & soul goes into many of my thoughts. Sometimes I don't know how to keep my mouth shut and I hurt with my words. Other times I can be a sweet loving woman that is care free. I struggle with many things that aren't always something I can bring myself to talk about.

  I know what has happened is never able to be taken back. Wishing can be harmless but your words are not harmless. There are power in words. No matter what you say but, be careful of what you say and do.

  I have always wished upon stars rather than praying as much as I should have. Perhaps I should watch what I say that could hurt people that I love. Many people just see what I write on the screen. But, others see how I can be truly on some things.

  I found a star when I was 15 and wished upon it. I wished never to be alone. When I turned 16 I wished for equality for all and peace. When I was 17 I wished upon the stars to have a long happy life with people who would love me. When I turned 18 I wished for strength and I started praying for it as well. The night I turned 19 I wished to smile more for years to come. I do that every day but life is still hard. When I turned 20 I wished for something that was simple. To have a family of my own and it will still happen ever though I am telling a wish because it's also a prayer. Now getting ready to celebrate just living I want to pray and wish for peace, happiness, love for one and all. No matter the race, sexuality, it's no matter who you are. I am not going to let anything get in my way of living the way I need to live not ever again.

  So as I start my wishing tonight I want to think of all the good in the world. There is still good in the world no matter how hard it is to find. I want to remember that love and happiness exists and all the hatred in the world that is out there is just to distract us from the life we should be living. I am never going to let anything else distract me from living my life to the fullest.

Opinions of a few I have met (Nothing bad I swear!)

  I never thought I would ever get to the point where I could say that I was loved as I can say now. Maybe it's because I have several loves in my life. Not just my partners but family as well. I'm going to share my insight on a few people I have met in such a short time. Starting from a loving big sister to people that touch my life deeply every day even if they don't know it.

  First my partners, although I do not mention them by name here I really want to share how I see them. I feel everything with them and sometimes I do cry. Being so far away from them is a struggle for me. I hate where I live with a passion. Yet, I know my time with them is coming and when it does people who get in the way of my happiness will really wish they hadn't. I would do anything for my partners and I truly hope they realize that. I would tell them anything and I really try. Each and every single one of them brings something inside of me alive. They make me feel alive, cared for, loved, cherished, unique, & most importantly I am IN love with them. That's the most important thing to me. They all are the most important people in my life except for my adopted family.

   My Two Big Brothers I love them deeply. They apart of my adopted family and I wouldn't trade anything in this world that would make it less true. I would however trade anything in this world to keep them in my life. I don't think either of them know or understand just how much they affect my life just by being who they are. They make me want to be somebody rather than nobody at all.

  My adopted family period. I love them always have always will for the last 3 years and nothing and no one could ever change my love for them. I'd fight to the death to keep them in my life. I could never ask for more for a family. Nothing really ever seems right unless I tell them how I am or how I am feeling.

  VeeVee...I haven't known her long but I truly care for her deeply. She's like the big sister I never had (I do have a big sister that a half-sister but she doesn't treat me well) Vee is sweet, compassionate, warm, caring, loving, and all around sexy person who could never be replaced in this world. She lifts me up even when I don't need lifting and she gives so much of herself in her writing. She makes sure a person gets the message the first time and never let's you down not even when she thinks she does. Vee has so much pride that I don't think she sees it truly in herself. Not like a lot of us see it anyways. There are so many wonderful things about her and I could go on and on about how I see her. But, I have no desire to make her cry. I just wanted to share a little insight on how I see her. She is also like a big brother to me because as much as I love her she has her Vic side. They are nearly the same person just. Hehe you rarely can tell the difference unless she is mad or in a very excited mood.

  Matt is a sweet heart from the blog 2 boys in love. I can not tell him enough because honestly he is special to me and I have never in my life met the man. His & Brad's blog talks about so real honest things that make me smile, laugh, anger (when Matt posted about seeing the guy from high school), cry & sometimes I just do two things out of the list all at once. Not the anger though that is reserved for the bad shit that has happened. I see so many people who cares for Matt & Brad both that it makes me smile make me grin and yes sometimes even makes me cry. I never knew there could be so many caring people out there towards anyone. Matt always brings his best and his worst and seems to blend it together. Sometimes he is a bundle of nerves and we're all trying to tell him. TAKE a step back, breathe, relax, take a step forward. I'm an overprotective big sister. To me Matt is like a little brother to me.

  Brad is a bossy sweetheart. his love for Matt shines through when he is posting about Matt. I would kick anyone's ass over hurting either Brad or Matt. This is just the kind of person I am. Brad is a good deal many things. He has said that I am a sweetheart and sometimes I honestly think I can be a bitch. But, Brad he can make a smile come onto anyones face. Make their day even when they truly don't want to be in a good mood. (I should know he does it to me each and every time I read something he has posted and same can be said for Matt.) You see Brad has touched my heart in more ways then well I think he realizes. I find myself rooting for Brad & Matt every day and I pray for them at night. It's not a worry pray either it is just thanking god that I have him in my life. I can share in some things by reading Matt & Brad's blog and lord knows I put in a good dose of my own opinion in there. I am rambling AGAIN.

  Sid lord he has made me smile a lot and cry and just all around makes me see things in a different light every day. He doesn't mince words and he gets straight to the point. He's honest he's got opinions he has determination. He doesn't in the least strike me as a person who would hurt you on purpose. Unless his friends and family were hurt then you very well may have a very pissed off Sid on your hands. I for one rather have Sid on my good side and it's not because he scares me either. It's because I respect and love his opinions. I know he'd give honest opinions and encouragement no matter what.

  I can never say to much about people I care for and I know I missed a couple people. Like Thorny & Jazz. I honestly don't know how to some up those two into mere words. I can go on and on about how they both can make me smile because of their blog posts. I can say so many great things about all of them. What it comes right down to is the simple fact that. I am so damn glad that I am getting to know them. Getting to form my very own opinions of them. I think they are good opinions about them. I wouldn't change anything I don't regret meeting and talking to them and I truly hope and pray everything in their lives stays good and some things get better.

  So you all might gather I have formed many opinions on some people. I want to share that and then I want to smile and just sit back and think of things that have made me smile. Because honestly I have been given a lot of reasons to smile. A lot of reasons to laugh. A lot of reasons to be excited for some. It's not just what I want to say about people that matter though.

  What truly matters in any ones life is what they themselves think of who they are. I want them to understand that it matters not what others think of you. Not the bad they think of you in anyways. The good can be uplifting. The bad things though are the downers. You can't let that affect you. The reason for that is because once that affects you fully and you start thinking of yourself in a bad light is the time people that love you start worrying a lot about you. The downers are idiots plain and simple. No one should have the right to judge you except for one. That's god and why would he judge us for being who he made us to be? God doesn't make mistakes. He makes us who we are for a reason.

  I want to close with showing a video I think I posted it up a little farther back but only as a link not the video itself on here. (Because I didn't know how yet! My bad.) I hope today is a great day for everyone. Smile, Laugh, dance, dream, hope, enjoy yourself. Above all else continue to love yourself. I think you all are amazing. So the song Amazing is put into this post. George Michael's rocks and he's someone I hope people know well enough to understand his music.

Yesterday vs. Today

  Well as everyone could see yesterday wasn't one of my best days to write everything I was thinking or so I thought. No one put me down about how I was feeling or how I wrote things so I'm good.

  Now last night I had some great news from Vee and was so excited I couldn't sit still at all! Thanks Vee for taking my advice and you gotta put more faith in yourself hun. Your like a sister/brother to me already. (Hope that explains some things.) Now once you put that faith into yourself believe me it'll work wonders. Now about this date you have I think it's amazing and that it'll go perfectly smooth. (Love you!) Also just be yourself no matter how you act I'll still love you regardless!

  So since last night and the start of today has been great. I stayed up late talking to my partners or well hehe stayed up until 2am talking to three of my partners and then another got home from work and then he and I talked until about 4:30 am in the morning. Man I have missed talking to them all but, then again I talk to one or two of them every day. Just gotta remember that work is important. Now mind you I have to also get a job that pays well so I can get to them. Yet, I have faith that all is going to work out the way it should.

  Can I say that I've had a long day yet? No because honestly my day hasn't been wrapping up until the new day has already begun! I'm driving myself nutty I know but I am having a lot of fun losing my marbles. (In the sense that I am so blasted tired that I'm going insane! But, it feels so nice to talk to them and we don't have to worry about a few things.) I'm going to guess if I can get everything earned that I will have one hell of a good time moving. Now mind you I don't have to much stuff to really move. I could go by bus and everything if I wanted. Plans plans plans plans! Ugh I'll figure it all out hehe.

  Now I have been singing Sexy can I & Bed Rock && Bleeding Love as well. I've been so damn happy since last night that I have even gotten up and danced! I love to dance and sing and just have fun. But, lord I can imagine what my partners would think it I pressed close and started grinding against them as I dance Whoa gotta stop before I get to ahead of myself.

Cutting & The Ending

  Well many people find that life gets to them and everything has a price to pay. I know I get depressed sometimes and this is about one of the things I USED to do when depressed or sad.

  I was a cutter. Most people link that to being gothic or emo, but it is not just a problem with the gothic kids or even the emo kids. Cutting goes on for many reasons. With me it was because I felt like everything was my fault. My father getting drunk the night I first started cutting. My mother yelling all the time. My grandpa not liking my looks or my hair or anything about me. I would think so many bad thoughts while cutting that I wouldn't stop until I had the age I was in cuts.

  I was 16 when I first started cutting. It was shortly before the grandpa that accepted me died from old age. I guess it was his time to move on. He never got to see me graduate from GED classes never got to see my first day at college. It still gets to me. My first bout of cutting was 16 cuts to the left arm and hand. I was numb I was tired and I was drained and in pain. I wanted it to stop. Do I regret doing it today? Yes, I can honestly say I wish I had never started. It is like an addiction you just can't quit cold turkey. I am ashamed of the scars on my arm and hand and I quit about six maybe eight months ago fully.

  When I was still 16 I met a boy who was a year younger than me. I thought he loved me for me, but it turned out that he only wanted sex and when I wasn't willing to give it up. Well he went and cheated. Long distance relationship failure right there. Yet, honestly I don't really think about that much anymore. It ended after I turned 17 in May and I met two men that I did fall IN love with.

  They treated me great and still do even though I am no longer with them in the sense that we're in a relationship. The one though was a recovering cutter himself and for the few months we were together I stopped. I broke the promise to him though never to cut again. I did just shortly after we split up. I know this might be scary for some to read. I thought I was never going to be loved ever again.

  Stupid I know but, that is what I thought. I was 18 and going to Carl D. Perkins Job Corps Center. I had to stop again and I did for about 10 months. I was only there for three and the other seven months I did it on my own.

  I guess I link my problems to my family life or at home life since I still live with them. I feel like they don't care what I do. I still remember my mother's OH WELL when she first found out about my cutting. That stung she didn't try to get me to stop or anything. She still hasn't.

  I am with a few loving men now that have been a constant rock to lean on in my life. I have stopped doing all the terrible things I used to and started living for the day. I love them with all my heart and I hope they understand that my past is just that my past. I plan on staying clean of the cutting and many other bad addictions I had. At 20 years old it is time that I stood on my own two feet. Learn that words don't matter it's the love you are shown that counts in the end.

I know no matter what I do in life my men are always going to support me no matter what. That support helps me even now while I am writing this out. I remember that I am Beautiful. I am smart. I am all the things that my parents say I am not. I am not however stupid, idiot, or a moron. I am very intelligent and I am going to use my head for more than a hat rack from now on!

Showing the Love

  How does one show Love? Well there are many ways, but my favorite way is to hold someone through the pain they are feeling or hold them just because I think they need it at that given moment. Supporting the person you love or the people you love and care for is important. It doesn't matter where you are at when your friends or friend needs you. If they need your advice you help them no matter how busy your life is. Taking that time to show your love and support means a lot more than you could ever know.

  I find that loving the men I am with I like to hold their hand when they are having a rough time of it. It makes me scared to know that they are hurting and Ii can't be right there with them. They live a few hundred miles away from me right now, but I am faithful to them and they to me. That is what counts. I am a very loving and caring person who is very supportive, but when I or a friend gets hurt or even my loves get hurt that is when this Kitty Kat brings out her claws.

  I show my support in many ways which one would be fighting back with the people who hurt my loved ones. I am very sensitive to people I love getting harmed. Supporting them through that is something I do first then I open up a can of whop ass on the people that hurt them. I can be a good person nice and kind, but when you cross the line I am a very mean woman. I guess we all have it in us, but it's like this. No one wants to be hurt and I for one don't want to hurt others. Yet, when it comes to friends and my loves and my family I can get to the point of hurting a person back over them.