When you have known a boy for as long as I have you'd never think that the very same boy could make you uncomfortable in anyway shape or form. WRONG! I was so totally wrong.
The boy is honestly a man of 21 years of age. nearing 22 years of age. I can't get this out of my head. He wanted me to sleep with him and he wouldn't take "Go to hell." for an answer. Before I get to ahead of myself. THANK GODS my roommate was in the house with me and him. I think honestly that was the only thing stopping him from trying more than being an annoying ass. I was scared though and uncomfortable. I was shaking by the time my roommate's boyfriend got off of work. I mean yeah I'm 20 but, I'm with my partners lock stock and barrel as the saying goes.
When my roommate left to go somewhere she took me with her. She didn't leave me in the house with her boyfriend, the boy and another man by myself. She knew the boy was creeping me out and making me uncomfortable that much more. I've had to deal with this one other time from a different male. I was scared then as I was yesterday.
I'm still scared because that very same boy is supposed to come back to help my parents over at their trailer. He freaks me dead the fuck out. I locked the door when my roommate and her boyfriend left for only 10 maybe 20 minutes because that boy was still here. YES, he did come back and YES he went away when I told him my roommate wasn't home. THAT still didn't make me comfortable because all the shit he had said before. I am an out-going person BUT I am also one who trusts as far as I can throw a person. (Which isn't far. This is face to face people I am with.) I trust online friends more than I trust a person face to face because I have been hurt before. Everyone may think. "Damn she has a lot of issues. Or damn she has a lot of uncomfortable moments." Well it comes with past and sometimes present things that happen to me. I try to hold my own fear in until people are away from me that make me uncomfortable.
My mother and older sister laughed about the boy trying to "get into my pants." They thought it was funny. They would have thought it even funnier if I had chopped off his dick like I wanted to when he kept looking at me then nodding to my damn bedroom door! ~Takes a deep breath~ I don't find anything about what was going on funny. Why should anyone else? Why should they have thought it funny? I was scared for gods sake. Very scared and I did have a knife next to me while it all was going on so my roommate knew what I was thinking every time my hand reached for the knife. I am not aware what made this idiot even think about trying to "get into my pants" when I have told him I have partners!
Males and females have to realize a few things. What you say to someone else anyone with anything. You have to take what they say and their body language into account. It's like this. If you are with someone and you wanted sexual contact and the other person was uncomfortable you'd know just by their body language. Taking every detail into account will save you a lot of trouble. Meaning what you say also is something people need to take into account.
Alright now I think I can quit shaking for a while and go dance and sing to calm down. I'm still scared. I can admit it and writing this did help lessen the emotions building up inside myself and my mind off of other things.
This is just me figuring out some things in my life. Sharing the things in my life both past and present. Some are leading up to the present and some of the past affects how I live my life today. This blog is not for people who are faint of heart. So if you have a problem with honesty and Bisexuality and Gays and Lesbians then you don't need to read this blog. Oh yes and many thanks to Matt from the blog 2 boys In Love. He gave me the idea for my blog with the Mini-Adult!
Embrace The Rainbow
Embrace The Rainbow
Showing posts with label Scared. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Scared. Show all posts
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Dear Author: Finding My Courage After Being Molested (GR post)
This is a rather long post and it's up on GR. This is my Dear Author letter. I finally got the courage to write about it. I wanted to share it here because I didn't want to retype it out. It took me a long time just to post this on GR. But, honestly I feel better a lot better. Warning it's long very long. It's just time to put myself out there and start talking. Start trusting others to understand. If they don't it's fine because honestly they don't have to understand just not treat me poorly after reading.
This is hard for me to even write but, I thought this was as good a place as any to write my story. I've been scared for 10 years now to ever write it down on paper or even on the world wide web. Most here know me as Kat. Some know me as Lucy/Kat due to my blog. So I got off track a little bit because I am nervous to write this all out.
I was 10 years old it was after 9/11 and after my uncle died that December. New year's as a matter of fact. My parents had invited two of their family friends over to the house to play cards and drink. I was young and I wanted to try it out. (Yes, I know stupid!) My mother did give me a glass of Boone's Farm. Now most don't know that alcoholic beverages and a young girl do not mix! I do now oh boy do I!
Well, I'll put a name to the friends my parents invited over. Jake (Not the real name. I'm just not ready for that.) and Sissy they had known them for a few years now since I was about 7 years old. Well they played and drank for a little while and before the ball fell my mother and Sissy went to bed and my father went into the front room to watch the ball fall on TV. I was left in the kitchen with Jake.
I only remember this because I'm one of the unfortunate ones who can remember what they do while drunk. Jake asked if I wanted to try a different flavor of the Boone's Farm. I being young and very stupid said sure. We were in there a good 15 minutes alone and I had drunk half the bottle of this Boone's Farm (Pink in color to me still is to this day.) I went into the front room and watched the ball fall and soon after that I went to bed for the night. I didn't stay asleep for to long at least I don't think I was asleep that long. I woke up to something touching my breast and I shoved them away. When I opened my eyes fully I saw that it was Jake.
He told me that if I wouldn't let him touch me he'd touch my little sister. I was to scared for her to even think or run. I let him touch me BUT, for someone to say I asked for it. To say that I gave my consent they would be very wrong in that thinking. I never in my life wanted that pervert touching me anywhere. He never touched my bare body but, it still rips your soul apart.
I remember trying to tell my mother and father both but, they didn't have time to hear it so I let it go. I never mentioned it again to anyone. I lived with it for six years before I started cutting on myself when I was 16 This also was the year I came out as being bisexual. That started for many reasons. I felt stupid, I felt at fault for all the bad going on in my families lives. I was still stupid in many ways in life and in love as well.
Cutting is not something that takes the pain away. It just causes so many more problems in life. I had started dating long distantly and that kept me safe from pain of being forced into something. Jake was still around in my life and yes on many occasions he tried to touch me and see down my shirt and things. It made me cut that much more when he was around and trying to mess with me. My mother and father never saw any of this. Blind as they were they didn't remain blind to it for to much longer.
Shortly, before I came out to my parents I pulled a large kitchen knife out on Jake and swore to cut off his private parts if he ever so much as touched me again or tried to touch my little sisters. I told him I ever heard of him touching either of them and he'd pray that he was dead long before I got to his sorry rear end. My mother and father came into the kitchen and found me holding the knife against his groin. When they asked me what was going on I of course told them nothing. I didn't want to even bother trying to warn them again.
My parents had another friend that came into my life about this time as well. Her name let's say is Kenya. Somehow she found out about Jake touching me when I was 10 and told my mother and father. ~Shakes her head~ I denied telling her anything of the sort because I hadn't told her a thing to my parents. I told them the story however was the truth. They didn't believe me and that stung. Jake still came around and was left alone with me one other time.
I punched him in his groin for pulling my shirt down and I was in the room with my brother and him at that time. Brother had his back turned when it happened.
Soon after I turned 17 I was dating two men. I still have contact with them although I am no longer with them. We got into the subject of them wanting to know what all happened in my life so far. (They are older then I am. But, age doesn't matter to me when it love and true friends.) I got into the fact that I drank and cut myself. They asked me what made me do that to myself. I broke down after an hour and a half of them asking me to talk to them about this. The best thing about it is they believed me someone in my life finally believed what I told them rather then turning their back on me and telling me that I was lying. I felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders.
I want to explain why I never told the cops. I was scared to even say anything to anyone but my mother and father and when they were to busy to listen and I stopped trying I rolled up into a shell. I have thought about killing myself for 7 years out of the 10 years that I have lived with this. Who ever said that time heals all. Didn't know jack about molestation at all!
I am now 20 years old and have been away from Jake for nearly three years. Does it get better? Yes, it gets better the longer I am away from that man and the longer the time that passes it gets better. Does the memory fade away? No, it's still as strong as when it first happened. Do the tears that I have cried ever stop? You know I am still working on answering that myself when I know that one I will let you know. My new partners that I love dearly also know about what happened with Jake. Did I tell them? Amazingly, no I didn't, reason being is that they live with my ex's that are a lot like family to me. They told them and fair warned them that I still had a lot of problems sharing it with anyone. Am I glad that someone in my life believes me without question? Pardon my language here but, HELL YES. It makes it so much easier to handle knowing that my partners and my adopted family believes that it happened. The story has been the very same and always the telling is hard.
I have cried while typing this out. I've had to stop and retype so it reads better. Then again I also had to stop to collect myself and my thoughts. I am still scared as I was back then but, I gained the courage and the support that I needed when I was older and had lived with it. What makes it easier is the distances away from the one man I never want to see again. ~Knocks on wood after typing that out~
I have the courage to live. I have the courage to be strong. I have the courage to smile. I have the courage to love my partners who all are men. This didn't break me it shaped me into the woman that I had the potential to become. Do I wish it never happened? Yes every single day for the last 10 years I have wished that. But, you can't make wishes come true after it's already happened. You can only make your life that much more better. You can have the COURAGE to live and break free of the cycle of torment that it causes for you.
Sincerely & with much Courage,
Kat
This is hard for me to even write but, I thought this was as good a place as any to write my story. I've been scared for 10 years now to ever write it down on paper or even on the world wide web. Most here know me as Kat. Some know me as Lucy/Kat due to my blog. So I got off track a little bit because I am nervous to write this all out.
I was 10 years old it was after 9/11 and after my uncle died that December. New year's as a matter of fact. My parents had invited two of their family friends over to the house to play cards and drink. I was young and I wanted to try it out. (Yes, I know stupid!) My mother did give me a glass of Boone's Farm. Now most don't know that alcoholic beverages and a young girl do not mix! I do now oh boy do I!
Well, I'll put a name to the friends my parents invited over. Jake (Not the real name. I'm just not ready for that.) and Sissy they had known them for a few years now since I was about 7 years old. Well they played and drank for a little while and before the ball fell my mother and Sissy went to bed and my father went into the front room to watch the ball fall on TV. I was left in the kitchen with Jake.
I only remember this because I'm one of the unfortunate ones who can remember what they do while drunk. Jake asked if I wanted to try a different flavor of the Boone's Farm. I being young and very stupid said sure. We were in there a good 15 minutes alone and I had drunk half the bottle of this Boone's Farm (Pink in color to me still is to this day.) I went into the front room and watched the ball fall and soon after that I went to bed for the night. I didn't stay asleep for to long at least I don't think I was asleep that long. I woke up to something touching my breast and I shoved them away. When I opened my eyes fully I saw that it was Jake.
He told me that if I wouldn't let him touch me he'd touch my little sister. I was to scared for her to even think or run. I let him touch me BUT, for someone to say I asked for it. To say that I gave my consent they would be very wrong in that thinking. I never in my life wanted that pervert touching me anywhere. He never touched my bare body but, it still rips your soul apart.
I remember trying to tell my mother and father both but, they didn't have time to hear it so I let it go. I never mentioned it again to anyone. I lived with it for six years before I started cutting on myself when I was 16 This also was the year I came out as being bisexual. That started for many reasons. I felt stupid, I felt at fault for all the bad going on in my families lives. I was still stupid in many ways in life and in love as well.
Cutting is not something that takes the pain away. It just causes so many more problems in life. I had started dating long distantly and that kept me safe from pain of being forced into something. Jake was still around in my life and yes on many occasions he tried to touch me and see down my shirt and things. It made me cut that much more when he was around and trying to mess with me. My mother and father never saw any of this. Blind as they were they didn't remain blind to it for to much longer.
Shortly, before I came out to my parents I pulled a large kitchen knife out on Jake and swore to cut off his private parts if he ever so much as touched me again or tried to touch my little sisters. I told him I ever heard of him touching either of them and he'd pray that he was dead long before I got to his sorry rear end. My mother and father came into the kitchen and found me holding the knife against his groin. When they asked me what was going on I of course told them nothing. I didn't want to even bother trying to warn them again.
My parents had another friend that came into my life about this time as well. Her name let's say is Kenya. Somehow she found out about Jake touching me when I was 10 and told my mother and father. ~Shakes her head~ I denied telling her anything of the sort because I hadn't told her a thing to my parents. I told them the story however was the truth. They didn't believe me and that stung. Jake still came around and was left alone with me one other time.
I punched him in his groin for pulling my shirt down and I was in the room with my brother and him at that time. Brother had his back turned when it happened.
Soon after I turned 17 I was dating two men. I still have contact with them although I am no longer with them. We got into the subject of them wanting to know what all happened in my life so far. (They are older then I am. But, age doesn't matter to me when it love and true friends.) I got into the fact that I drank and cut myself. They asked me what made me do that to myself. I broke down after an hour and a half of them asking me to talk to them about this. The best thing about it is they believed me someone in my life finally believed what I told them rather then turning their back on me and telling me that I was lying. I felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders.
I want to explain why I never told the cops. I was scared to even say anything to anyone but my mother and father and when they were to busy to listen and I stopped trying I rolled up into a shell. I have thought about killing myself for 7 years out of the 10 years that I have lived with this. Who ever said that time heals all. Didn't know jack about molestation at all!
I am now 20 years old and have been away from Jake for nearly three years. Does it get better? Yes, it gets better the longer I am away from that man and the longer the time that passes it gets better. Does the memory fade away? No, it's still as strong as when it first happened. Do the tears that I have cried ever stop? You know I am still working on answering that myself when I know that one I will let you know. My new partners that I love dearly also know about what happened with Jake. Did I tell them? Amazingly, no I didn't, reason being is that they live with my ex's that are a lot like family to me. They told them and fair warned them that I still had a lot of problems sharing it with anyone. Am I glad that someone in my life believes me without question? Pardon my language here but, HELL YES. It makes it so much easier to handle knowing that my partners and my adopted family believes that it happened. The story has been the very same and always the telling is hard.
I have cried while typing this out. I've had to stop and retype so it reads better. Then again I also had to stop to collect myself and my thoughts. I am still scared as I was back then but, I gained the courage and the support that I needed when I was older and had lived with it. What makes it easier is the distances away from the one man I never want to see again. ~Knocks on wood after typing that out~
I have the courage to live. I have the courage to be strong. I have the courage to smile. I have the courage to love my partners who all are men. This didn't break me it shaped me into the woman that I had the potential to become. Do I wish it never happened? Yes every single day for the last 10 years I have wished that. But, you can't make wishes come true after it's already happened. You can only make your life that much more better. You can have the COURAGE to live and break free of the cycle of torment that it causes for you.
Sincerely & with much Courage,
Kat
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)