Embrace The Rainbow

Embrace The Rainbow
Embrace The Rainbow

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Dear Author: Finding My Courage After Being Molested (GR post)

   This is a rather long post and it's up on GR. This is my Dear Author letter. I finally got the courage to write about it. I wanted to share it here because I didn't want to retype it out. It took me a long time just to post this on GR. But, honestly I feel better a lot better. Warning it's long very long. It's just time to put myself out there and start talking. Start trusting others to understand. If they don't it's fine because honestly they don't have to understand just not treat me poorly after reading.

This is hard for me to even write but, I thought this was as good a place as any to write my story. I've been scared for 10 years now to ever write it down on paper or even on the world wide web. Most here know me as Kat. Some know me as Lucy/Kat due to my blog. So I got off track a little bit because I am nervous to write this all out.

I was 10 years old it was after 9/11 and after my uncle died that December. New year's as a matter of fact. My parents had invited two of their family friends over to the house to play cards and drink. I was young and I wanted to try it out. (Yes, I know stupid!) My mother did give me a glass of Boone's Farm. Now most don't know that alcoholic beverages and a young girl do not mix! I do now oh boy do I!

Well, I'll put a name to the friends my parents invited over. Jake (Not the real name. I'm just not ready for that.) and Sissy they had known them for a few years now since I was about 7 years old. Well they played and drank for a little while and before the ball fell my mother and Sissy went to bed and my father went into the front room to watch the ball fall on TV. I was left in the kitchen with Jake.

I only remember this because I'm one of the unfortunate ones who can remember what they do while drunk. Jake asked if I wanted to try a different flavor of the Boone's Farm. I being young and very stupid said sure. We were in there a good 15 minutes alone and I had drunk half the bottle of this Boone's Farm (Pink in color to me still is to this day.) I went into the front room and watched the ball fall and soon after that I went to bed for the night. I didn't stay asleep for to long at least I don't think I was asleep that long. I woke up to something touching my breast and I shoved them away. When I opened my eyes fully I saw that it was Jake.

He told me that if I wouldn't let him touch me he'd touch my little sister. I was to scared for her to even think or run. I let him touch me BUT, for someone to say I asked for it. To say that I gave my consent they would be very wrong in that thinking. I never in my life wanted that pervert touching me anywhere. He never touched my bare body but, it still rips your soul apart.

I remember trying to tell my mother and father both but, they didn't have time to hear it so I let it go. I never mentioned it again to anyone. I lived with it for six years before I started cutting on myself when I was 16 This also was the year I came out as being bisexual. That started for many reasons. I felt stupid, I felt at fault for all the bad going on in my families lives. I was still stupid in many ways in life and in love as well.

Cutting is not something that takes the pain away. It just causes so many more problems in life. I had started dating long distantly and that kept me safe from pain of being forced into something. Jake was still around in my life and yes on many occasions he tried to touch me and see down my shirt and things. It made me cut that much more when he was around and trying to mess with me. My mother and father never saw any of this. Blind as they were they didn't remain blind to it for to much longer.

Shortly, before I came out to my parents I pulled a large kitchen knife out on Jake and swore to cut off his private parts if he ever so much as touched me again or tried to touch my little sisters. I told him I ever heard of him touching either of them and he'd pray that he was dead long before I got to his sorry rear end. My mother and father came into the kitchen and found me holding the knife against his groin. When they asked me what was going on I of course told them nothing. I didn't want to even bother trying to warn them again.

My parents had another friend that came into my life about this time as well. Her name let's say is Kenya. Somehow she found out about Jake touching me when I was 10 and told my mother and father. ~Shakes her head~ I denied telling her anything of the sort because I hadn't told her a thing to my parents. I told them the story however was the truth. They didn't believe me and that stung. Jake still came around and was left alone with me one other time.

I punched him in his groin for pulling my shirt down and I was in the room with my brother and him at that time. Brother had his back turned when it happened.

Soon after I turned 17 I was dating two men. I still have contact with them although I am no longer with them. We got into the subject of them wanting to know what all happened in my life so far. (They are older then I am. But, age doesn't matter to me when it love and true friends.) I got into the fact that I drank and cut myself. They asked me what made me do that to myself. I broke down after an hour and a half of them asking me to talk to them about this. The best thing about it is they believed me someone in my life finally believed what I told them rather then turning their back on me and telling me that I was lying. I felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders.

I want to explain why I never told the cops. I was scared to even say anything to anyone but my mother and father and when they were to busy to listen and I stopped trying I rolled up into a shell. I have thought about killing myself for 7 years out of the 10 years that I have lived with this. Who ever said that time heals all. Didn't know jack about molestation at all!

I am now 20 years old and have been away from Jake for nearly three years. Does it get better? Yes, it gets better the longer I am away from that man and the longer the time that passes it gets better. Does the memory fade away? No, it's still as strong as when it first happened. Do the tears that I have cried ever stop? You know I am still working on answering that myself when I know that one I will let you know. My new partners that I love dearly also know about what happened with Jake. Did I tell them? Amazingly, no I didn't, reason being is that they live with my ex's that are a lot like family to me. They told them and fair warned them that I still had a lot of problems sharing it with anyone. Am I glad that someone in my life believes me without question? Pardon my language here but, HELL YES. It makes it so much easier to handle knowing that my partners and my adopted family believes that it happened. The story has been the very same and always the telling is hard.

I have cried while typing this out. I've had to stop and retype so it reads better. Then again I also had to stop to collect myself and my thoughts. I am still scared as I was back then but, I gained the courage and the support that I needed when I was older and had lived with it. What makes it easier is the distances away from the one man I never want to see again. ~Knocks on wood after typing that out~

I have the courage to live. I have the courage to be strong. I have the courage to smile. I have the courage to love my partners who all are men. This didn't break me it shaped me into the woman that I had the potential to become. Do I wish it never happened? Yes every single day for the last 10 years I have wished that. But, you can't make wishes come true after it's already happened. You can only make your life that much more better. You can have the COURAGE to live and break free of the cycle of torment that it causes for you.

Sincerely & with much Courage,


  1. Hmm you know I'm honest with you and that's exactly what you're going to get from me right now and being blunt here it goes: having been through a lot of what you just blogged about I understand you completely. I have posted about a lot of my experiences that left a significant impact on my life hence the reason why my issues that I've bottled up inside me for years are only bursting forth to taunt and haunt me now.

    I truly get the cutting and wanting to end it but wouldn't that just give the bastards the 'I won' factor? I chose not to give them that satisfaction and the fact that you chose life makes you stronger than you give yourself credit for.

    Having said that here's where I'll be blunt in telling you I would have kept this post here ONLY and not have posted this in GR. I'll tell you why without having to ask me first. Its a site where talk is all books and not a place you want to air your personal life. Too many will use this against you where unwanted attention will follow you among that group. Should they be so inclined to be interested in knowing more of the real you, link this blog to your GR profile and lety them follow it. Here.

    Hugs for sharing this and know more of understand your dealings than what you think and believe we do.

  2. ~Hugs Sid~ I respect what you say Sid and you know that. I just wrote about it and couldn't stop writing but, since it's there and I'm not getting bugged about it. Believe it or not the GSA group is pretty quite about the topic.

    I don't know but, I'll take into account for the future and I forgot how to link it and just ugh. I was scared to share this and I've honestly struggled with it since I opened my blog and it's been nearly two months. I am proud of what I've done with it so far. Because it isn't just about me me me me all the time it's got base to it and it has all of my heart into it when I post. I'm just trying to get back to were I should.

    I never want to give this person the "I won" factor of things. I know if I did that I'd leave a lot of people behind and I don't want to hurt them or myself anymore. I am so sick of my mind screaming about the past but, then again I know the past makes me who I am today.

    Sid, you know I'm here for you if you need to unbottle some of your frustrations and haunts on. Hell I unbottle mine here for all to see which doesn't scare me anymore.

  3. Mucho thanks for your kind offer but I wouldn't unload my shit on anyone online anymore. Hence my warning yeah about GR. Been there, done that and had it thrown in my face and used against me. So sorry but I'm leery these days on trusting.

    In your GR profile where you edit it? You can copy the link to your blog where it has webpage. It'll show in your GR profile.

  4. Alright and Sid don't worry about people throwing it in your face...those are the ones who'd not understand...and I'm still editing everything on my profile and I've found it it's getting linked in about 10 minutes.

  5. ~Gives a soft wink~ now just to find a few more books to read gah need a sugar rush badly too