This is a follow up to my abuse post a couple days ago. It's hard to write and I know it more than anyone else.
There is a deep sadness that I keep feeling as my memories of that day keeps replaying over and over in my head. I can't think about much else and I'm trying hard to be happy. But, it isn't working out well for me and I am scared. I keep feeling like my world is going in two different directions.
One way it's towards the future. Where everything is good (I hope.) or even okay works. Then, there is the other direction that leads me to my past and thinking about it all. I feel like I'm falling a part at the seams.
I haven't found any reason to think that I am wrong in feeling this way. I guess it's just something I am feeling right now. Hoping it at least dims down and I can think normally sooner rather than later on.
This is just me figuring out some things in my life. Sharing the things in my life both past and present. Some are leading up to the present and some of the past affects how I live my life today. This blog is not for people who are faint of heart. So if you have a problem with honesty and Bisexuality and Gays and Lesbians then you don't need to read this blog. Oh yes and many thanks to Matt from the blog 2 boys In Love. He gave me the idea for my blog with the Mini-Adult!
Embrace The Rainbow
Embrace The Rainbow
You'll have days like that. It's natural. Our minds and our hearts desire closure, reason for past hurts and past pain. We want it all to make sense, we want a reason for it so that we can assign the pain to that reason and move on. Unfortunately when you're dealing with other people, reason is not absolute. It's not definite and so for that reason our past remains unfulfilled, open, a beacon that continuously draws us back into it so that we relive the pain, the hurt, the disappointment.
ReplyDeleteWhereas our spirit and our souls are drawn towards the future, because the future is undefined. Still filled with possibilities, with hope, with chances to make sure that the past does not repeat itself. So it leaves us torn, it leaves us leaning in two different directions.
I think that's how it's supposed to be, because if one side of you is being pulled into the past and the other side is being drawn into the future, doesn't that leave you in the present?
You'll wake up one day and the sadness will have dulled somewhat and eased a little and you'll be able to think "normally". But you're not wrong to feel how you feel, it's perfectly natural and it's (at least to me) quite healthy.
Here's hoping for happy soon!
Thanks Veronica! I wouldn't of thought of it like that "doesn't that leave you in the present?" I think that your right.
ReplyDeleteYeah that was something that someone told me a long time ago, when I was struggling with my own past. You're welcome though.
ReplyDeleteWell you can use that to help others. Most find that difficult to do. Some are scared to share something that they didn't think of all on their own. I find that to tell someone what you have been told means you are using the wisdom you have gained from another...to help someone else get over the hurtles in the other persons life.
ReplyDeleteIt is like track. A person can run in a circle with no one making a path that blocks them from doing the same routine. Or there could be a person to throw up some new track and it be a rougher road, but in the end it is more than worth it.
That's very true. I have no problem sharing things that have been shared with me if it will help other people.
ReplyDeleteI get good nuggets of wisdom on my own (LOL-Just ask Thorny or Matt) so to steal someone else's just seems stupid and selfish, you know?
Funny thing is that most of my nuggets that were shared with me that I share with others were told to me by my parents who are intolerant of my being bi-gender. Hahaha
(Gotta ask those two about that lol) Lord I can't wait to become a parent though. MHM I am going to love my babies no matter what. (Off topic I know I got this on my mind as well)
ReplyDeleteThat's how I feel. I want to have babies before I get the genital reassignment surgery. I don't know if it will happen, so if not then I'm going to freeze some eggs until I find my partner, then he can fertilize them and then we can find us a surrogate and love our babies unconditionally like my family and parents should have loved me.
ReplyDeleteIt is usually those who are denied love that love the hardest, love the longest, love the deepest, love the strongest and make sure that their love is the purest form of being unconditional.
(And that came from me! LOL. Let me know what Thorny and Matt say about me, I paid them good money to say nice things....I mean....*cough* they SHOULD say nice things because it's true. LOL)
That is a good idea to freeze your eggs if you don't find your partner before that. I am still so blasted nervous to move to Tennessee to be with my partners. I shake every time I think about it because I know that I want this but I am so scared that I'll hurt them instead of love them.
ReplyDeleteI've talked about that with them a couple times and they understand the fear. They understand me period really. Sometimes it's just hard to think about what's to come and what will be. Yet, I love them so much!
I try every day to show that I love my friends and my loves and my adopted family and even my blood siblings as well. I try hard not to hurt people and that means I am also easily hurt.
(Oh I am sure I will when Thorny gets back that is! As soon as Matt also gets settled with his college courses too lol. I am up to date with all that and the BB Bossy Brad! HEHE.
That's what I was thinking. Now I just have to find someone that would want to be with me. Not as easy as you'd think.
ReplyDeleteIt's understandable for you to be fearful and I'm glad that your partners understand your hesitation and fear. When you conquer that fear and move to Tennessee you're going to be so extremely excited, you're going to feel yourself grow and see a part of yourself that you didn't even realize was there and it's going to blow you away.
I understand about being easily hurt, but one of the things that I promised myself when I got discharged from the army was that I'd be more open emotionally to others, if I get hurt, I get hurt, but I'd rather get hurt for trying than to close myself off and regret it, you know?
I laughed my ass off at "Bossy Brad". I refuse to call him that, we've compromised and I will call him BB. I'm so proud of Matt for the whole college thing and I'm proud of Thorny not only for going to talk to someone professionally but for knowing when to take a step back. *Big Sister Pride* Now all I have to do is help the rest of you all take that step and become even better versions of the wonderful people that you are, realize your potential, live happily with the loves of your life, get married and have babies and then my work will be done. LOL.
~Chuckles~ Lord we sound so a like. I already decided that the move to Tennessee comes after my 21st Birthday and my partners understand that and approve. Another reason for me staying is the two youngest of the siblings. Mentioned them both in a past post somewhere around here.
ReplyDeleteIt's the big sister in me I worry about them and the youngest brother truly doesn't want me leaving. I hope when I do leave he'll adjust and understand that Big sister can't stand at this place forever. As much as I'd love to take them with me that won't happen.
These two siblings are so precious to me. They are like my own without really having the painful thing called labor. I'll post something about that in a little bit. I have had so much to think about and I am still thinking. I know that my partners want me there badly and they know two of the only reasons I stall so badly. Fear and worry.
I opened myself up so much to the partners I have now. I feel great when I share things with them and they share things with me.
Now if only I could do that with my adopted family again it'd be great. I am slowly mending that rift which is one thing I didn't post in the one about my adopted family and brothers and my loves. I finally got to talk to my big brother that is 47 nearly 48 he's a doll baby and he knows that is how I think of him. The other I haven't got to talk to lately and My Papa as I call him I kinda hurt a bit.
I don't handle some things well and I make mistakes and I admit to that a lot of the time sometimes I don't.
I TOTALLY understand about the siblings thing. A lot of what happened to me happened because I was protecting my younger siblings from some very toxic, evil people in our family. Then I didn't move too far from them, because I wanted to be nearby in case they needed me. When my baby sister turned 18 that was when I enlisted in the army and took off. When they get older they'll appreciate it. My baby sister told me that she was mad at me when I went off to college but she always loved it when I came home and now that she's older she understands why I did what I did, when I did it.
ReplyDeleteI think that's why I waited so long to "live my truth." I wanted to make sure that all of my siblings were in good places, that they wouldn't need me anymore because I know that I'm going to be disowned and cut off from them and it hurts like hell, but it would hurt worse if they needed me and I wasn't able to help. I helped to raise all of them and the baby is practically my child. She looks just like me.
I'm glad that you're able to be so open with your partners and that you're mending things with your adopted family. We all make mistakes, all we have to do is own up to them, forgive ourselves and mend fences and then move on.
It is damn scary to think that in a few years my little sister will be dating. She is nothing like me. Yet, she is. She looks nothing like me but she is more mine than anyone knows. Same with my youngest brother. I watched him come into the world 7 years ago. Lord I feel so much older then they are. Being nearly 21 and those two only 12 and 7 years old. I'm proud of them both and they continue to do well in school and everything they do.
ReplyDeleteI find it easier to mend things when I know what to mend and what needs mending the most.
LOL. When my younger brother lost his virginity, I had to take a sedative. I'm serious, I started freaking out. I helped to raise him you know? When I found out that my younger sister, who is still TECHNICALLY a virgin, had done EVERYTHING but intercourse I sat in shock in my boyfriend's car for like two hours. My baby sister though? She's done NOTHING. LOL. She's 21 and never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, never done anything sexual. She complains about it all the time but all I can do is breathe a sigh of relief. She's MY baby and the thought of her or my younger cousin, who is also like MY child, dating or having sex or anything freaks me out and makes me feel so OLD.
ReplyDeleteThen again, according to my uncle that's how he felt when he walked into my room and saw me having sex at age 13. LOL.
~Laughs softly~ Lord I bet he did feel like that. Any one who loves their siblings or niece enough to freak out like that is seriously a great person. It is hard for me but I can say I don't fear she'll have sex when she is older. Oh I know that will come and pass and hopefully with the man of her dreams...She is the only one of the females that isn't into girls sexually. She's young yet but she does accept me as a bisexual woman. She says "Sissy I love you. I know you like girls and guys both but I don't. As long as you don't tell me about the girls you sleep with I'm fine." My jaw nearly hit the floor the first time she told me that!
ReplyDeleteLOL. Your sister sounds adorable!
ReplyDeleteMy sisters sit around and talk about me all the time and when I came out they weren't supportive, although my baby sister has asked me if I was going to be a "fabulous" gay man. LOL.
Everyone in my family plays ignorant when it comes to sex. So even though all of these babies keep popping up all over the place, no one is ACTUALLY having sex. LOL.
Lord have mercy. You gotta have sex to have a baby unless you use a turkey baster and stick it up inside you then your going to achieve the same ends.
ReplyDelete(She is adorable. Love her to death.)
LOL. I believe that we're all a family of "immaculate conceptions". LOL!!!
ReplyDelete"We don't talk about that stuff"-my grandmother. She was horrified the day she came over and heard my mother and I talking about oral sex (I was giving my mother some tips on how to deep throat). I've always been the black sheep and rebel, you'd think they'd be used to it by now.
You would think so. My family find it wrong for me to talk about sex but it's okay for them to talk about it all the time. ~Rolls her eyes~ My parents are pretty open about sex in general.
ReplyDeleteThey had never set foot inside of a church when I was younger now they go to church kinda scary.
My mother sent me a quick email that said:
ReplyDeleteDid my talking to you about sex and positions and being open and kind to everyone make you this way?
I'm like, No. I was born this way...so your God made me this way.
She hasn't responded back.
~Rolls her eyes~ Why is it they always think that is what they asked and said that made you the way you are. God makes us the way we are. It says in the bible that god is everything. I brought this up back when I was going to school. If god is everything does that mean he is Gay? He is Bisexual? He is straight? That he loves all that he sees us all as his children?
ReplyDeleteMy teacher didn't know what to think.
LOL. I know. I used to say all the time "But if they were born that way, then God made them that way and you guys always said that God doesn't make mistakes."
ReplyDeleteGod doesn't make mistakes. He makes us imperfect for a reason. Yet, that is not saying we're imperfect for being made the way we are. We're imperfect if we have denied ourselves. Imperfect if we have lied. Just imperfect in little ways and some big but again god doesn't make mistakes. We might make mistakes but who is to say god doesn't want us to make those mistakes and learn and grow from them?
ReplyDeleteI always say that we were made "Perfectly imperfect". It's the perfect expression of how we are perfect in our imperfections as we're supposed to.
ReplyDeleteyour right. "Perfectly Imperfect" Like the sound of that
ReplyDeleteI do too. I've got soo many t-shirts to make I tell you. LOL.
ReplyDeleteLOL I bet you do and I bet they would sell if you put them in stores!
ReplyDeleteYou sound like Kate! She keeps telling me that I could be making money by making merchandise available to be bought with all my sayings and then putting my stories available as well. *Shrug* I don't know though.
ReplyDeleteDo what you feel is right. That is all I can tell you.
ReplyDeleteI want to, don't get me wrong but I wouldn't even know where to start. I suck at that stuff. LOL.
ReplyDeleteYou'll figure it out if you really want to do it.
ReplyDeleteVery true.
ReplyDeleteIt's like everything in life. If you want it you go for it if you don't you won't
ReplyDeleteYou are speaking the truth. *Inhale* I think I'm going to do it.
ReplyDeleteI hope you do. I support you no matter what.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
ReplyDeleteYour welcome
ReplyDelete