Abuse

  Are you just supposed to sit back and take the beatings? Do the memories ever go away? Do the tears stop at those memories? Do you ever just get over it and move on?

  I won't pretend to know the answers to any of my own questions because I don't know any of them. I don't even know if I'll ever get over my own abuse from the people that should have loved me no matter what. My parents they are supposed to love unconditionally right?

  What can be said that hasn't been said. I got to be stronger than what I normally am. I have to beat this and I have to get out. How am I going to do that? I am unemployed again. Making a little extra money writing articles on Textbroker. I want to be a book keeper. Yet, I have only my high school training in that. Can I do it?

What prompted this today? Well, my father did by punching me in the face and grabbing me by the hair and dragging me towards the door. How is that right? How can any man or woman for that matter hit their own child? I know I am a grown woman, but what rights do they have to hit me? Both my parents have done it before. What makes it right for another person to beat on their child?

  Am I wrong for feeling so sad and depressed about it? Am I wrong to be angry? It's gone on for nearly 11 years and still I ain't gotten out. Why do I keep taking the abuse? I guess I want them to love me like they are supposed to. Yet, I see now they never will. Maybe they never really truly did love me their child their daughter.

  I know a few things that are on my mind right now. "I need out, I need to get away, I need a life where there is no fear. I just need to live my life without abuse." Then there are other thoughts that revert to my past. "Where is my knife, Where is my razor blade, Where are the sleeping pills. I just want to die." Then I realize that is negative thinking wanting to die it's the easy way out of life and the worst thing I could ever do. So I am thinking of what I want and need. "I want a home away from the abuse. I want and need my loves by my side. I want to be with the men that love me forever. I want to go to school. I want to make something of myself. I need to make something of myself." I am somebody. I am me I am me. Always will be me. Always will be someone who wants more than an abusive family life. I want and need something more than the abuse from home. I want love and my men love me. They want me safe. Let's pray that I can get everything I truly want in my life and soon.