"The Norm" & Fears

What the hell is the "norm" anyways? Honestly I see that everyone no matter who you are needs love needs to find the one person or persons that they can truly love without hiding it. So the "norm" to me is seeing men with men, women with women, and a man and a woman together. No matter the race either this is what gets me. What people call "The Norm" really truly is something they wish to see.

  I don't understand where people get off disrespecting gay couples. I love seeing people I can relate my problems to. Some gay men are truly honestly the best friends a woman could ask for. Reason I say this is because they won't ignore you and what you are saying. Not any of the gay men I've met anyways. I love a lot of people in my life and hell let's face it most of those men and women are either gay, bisexual, or lesbian. I have maybe a handful of straight friends.

  Perhaps that is why I don't see the problem some straight men and women have with the BLGT community. I mean I fit into no one's mold of "Normal" I don't really wish to be and never will. I am me. That is who I wish to always be is myself. So yes I might get mad and ticked off at people who gay bash and are homophobic, but when it's towards people I care about then yes I am going to get a bit bitchy over it.

  I'm just feeling a bit bitchy and needing to vent. Because I have my own idea of what is normal and to all the people who can't accept that the world is ALWAYS going to have a BLGT community well they can just piss off. I don't understand where they are coming from because I don't find a damn thing wrong with being proud of who you are!


  I am proud to be a 20 year old bisexual female who has partners who are bisexual and they accept me and how I wish to live and they accept the fact that there isn't just one lover in my life.


  Sorry, I had a rough night last night with dreams about the past and just feeling off and I know sometimes my ramblings and posts might sound bitchy but, it's what is on my mind and I do have a blood brother that is homophobic which I truly will never understand what makes him so. I've had fights with said brother over my ex's who are very happy together. He has fought with me over the partners I have now. To be honest I'm fed up with the bullshit he speaks. He knows nothing about what it is to truly love someone. He has his opinions and I have mine and they are very different from his. Sometimes I go to bed crying because I know that if any of my partners showed up at my door and my brother was here they'd not stay for long. I know that I don't want any of my partners or my adopted family or my friends hurt because of my blood family. It's been on my mind a lot for the last few days.

  My birthday is coming up and my deepest wish is to see my partners. I'm not going to ask that of them because it is also something I fear. I fear for them constantly. I defend them so much from the people I can't stand to hear BS from that I've taken it out on them. I've been so frustrated, so damned mad that everything I feel ends up getting turned on them. I don't want to do that anymore. I know they have stayed but, that fear that I will mess up and end up alone is something I truly fear.

I also fear the fact that people will judge me for what I am rather than who I am. I'm proud of who I truly am. Opposed to the people who hide and are not happy with who they are. My advice to most of the people who feel like they don't know themselves is simple.....GET IN TOUCH WITH YOURSELF! Make sure you see your true self rather than the fake person you pretend to be. When you do see who you wish to be then trust me on this YOU will become that person. Slowly or fast it doesn't matter as long as you become happy with who you are.

A bit about my struggle to come out....and what I realize now...what I hope for now....what I intend to change.

Not everything can be as everyone wishes it to be. Sometimes it can be hard to be Bisexual because people treat you as if you are an ifection that they won’t be able to get rid of. I’ve felt like that for years because I see how others that know nothing about me look at me. I enjoy the company of women both as friends and as a potencial lover for some. I used to hide myself because I didn’t know how to cope with it or how to change what I felt.

Sometimes people can’t change it and that is alright because it says. Hey I’m me for a reason. God didn’t make a mistake when he created me or the way I am. I thought about this a long time when I was first starting to come out. I thought about how god may turn away from me for being a “sinner” then I remembered the most important lesson god had given me. I am everything. I am the beginning and the end. I am life and I am death. I am hope and I am faith. I make no mistakes because my children are mine. I show you uncoditional love as a father should.

That is how I believe in god. I believe he is everything. God is everything so what does that mean? I’ve had fights with people over my beliefs because they told me I was wrong. That god couldn’t have possibly of made gay men or lesbian women or even bisexual men and women. I found it funny after I was out and proud of who I was. No matter what they sprout off at me I just laugh. They can damn me to hell. They can try to “force” a demon from my body. That will not change the fact of who I am not with myself. Not with my partners. Not with my family by blood. Sure as hell not with my adopted family. I am who I am for a reason. God did NOT make a mistake when he created me. For that matter god made no mistakes when he created any of us.

I know there are a lot of people who don’t touch on the sobject of religion because it pisses folks off. I understand why they do it because for starters I sure as hell wouldn’t want to deal with the people who would start to sprout off.

I believe in god that is by rights my choice. I believe perhaps differently than some people but, that does not mean my beliefs should be downgraded or ignored.

I was asked once upon a time if I was happy with who I was. I was about 15. I said no I wasn’t happy. It was because I was misunderstood and I was still hiding away from my truth. I was hiding myself away without taking into fact that it was just hurting me. I believed in god I wanted to keep to god’s teachings but, I learned I can still be myself and stick with my teachings.

I won’t pretend any longer. I’m an out and proud bisexual female who loves women just as much as she loves men. I have partners that are men. I’m not ashamed of that either. I’m open about myself and I try my hardest to stay that way. If I close off it’s because it is a subject that is either hard for me or something that hurts my feelings a bit. I’ve had to handle so many things in my life that I don’t wish to be hurt. So I shut down and close myself off from just about everyone.

Sometimes I will need a break from my own hardships and I’ll focus on something else. Like my drawing or my writing. I’m the only person who can open up and talk or shut down and stay closed off. That’s one of my issues in my life. I shut down on people and I know it’s a defesive part of me but, it’s going to have to go to a certain point. Because this isn’t just about who I am now it’s about who I want to become. I want to be a better person over all. That isn’t a new years resolution either. It’s a basic want of mine and a need.

Coming out (For me)

So I am finding more and more stories about men and women who have come out to friends and family. Both good reactions and bad reactions.

    I knew myself I was different when I was younger but, honestly I didn't fully know until I kissed my first girl when I was 16. I have had to many bad things going on the year before that when I finally came out it was insane.

   Let me back track for a moment. Middle school I was always teased and picked on for being different in the sense I didn't have brand name clothing and my hair and everything they could find. It continued on into high school. I made one of the worst mistakes of my life soon after I turned 15. I left my normal high school for an online one. I struggled to get past the papers and the work they wanted done online with no teacher there to help explain I was stuck doing it alone and getting redo after redo. I hated it.

   I can honestly say that the following year or so was amazingly different. I was 16 getting ready for Halloween. Big home coming game for my old high school. I went to it because I still loved football. I enjoyed watching both the males on the field and the cheerleaders that cheered on our home team. ~Sighs softly at the memories~ My best friend was a cheerleader and I thought she was to die for. She was done for the evening cheering so she and I walked out to her car to talk. Her boyfriend and ex boyfriend had followed us. I told them to go away. I hadn't talked to my friend in nearly six months...I wanted some time to just talk with her.

   My friend and I had been so tired of males and it was weird she asked if I was into girls. I hyperventilated I didn't know how to tell her the answer. So my first kiss with her was really on a dare from the boyfriend and ex. But, we didn't blasted care if the boys got turned on or not. We enjoyed the kiss and once we had finished I told her that yes I liked girls as well as guys. I also told her I wanted and needed to walk and talk with her around the track on our side of the field and we did. (I told the boys if they followed us I'd punch them both in the mouth and they'd remember as to way I didn't care for either one of them. They were in part both assholes and only wanted sex with my best friend. So yes they pissed me off.)

   I told my parents that night that I was bisexual as well but they laughed it off as if I hadn't said it. Well after I turned 17 I told my parents again that I was indeed bisexual. I wasn't to polite about it though. I do believe my words were along these lines. "Mother, Father, I am bisexual I love the thought of pussy and cock. I also love the fact that a woman knows just what another woman wants and needs at times where a man does not. I want to fuck both a man and a woman and whatever you think you can fuck off." Then I walked on to my room and started working on my school work their jaws wide open I yelled into the kitchen and told them to close their mouths before the flies started going down their throats. I was tired of denying myself and denying what I wanted. I started dating two men soon after coming out as I did and that was after I had lost my grandpa Lester.

  My mother still to this day thinks I am going to settle down with just one man. I hate to break it to people but, I won't settle down with just one single man. That is not me. I won't settle down with one woman either. I have partners.You see my mother and father still haven't gotten that into their heads. That's okay Ii only stay civil with them because they are blood. No other reason. What love there was for them as my parents has been gone for some time now. (Sorry as I may feel for that. I've tried to settle things between us they just won't accept me fully. Because of me wanting all my partners The fact that I am not their PERFECT daughter the straight one. ~Rolls her eyes~ I'm not straight I never have been. I have always looked at both men and women. So tough luck and to bad to them. Accept me or no.)

  I am now 20 years old will be 21  February. It does get better as you go on. It is for me I just have to keep reminding myself that not everyone is as narrow minded as my family and some of the others I have had to tell. It just still scares me. I am Bisexual and damn proud of that fact. I have partners that love me and wouldn't have me any other way but, myself. I still have normal every day problems as everyone else in the world does. That only means that I am living my life to the fullest possible and working through problems and life one day at a time.

  I am not in the least sorry for writing any of this. It's the truth no matter how people may see me for it. I love hard and I live harder. It gets better and it's getting better for me everyday. One step at a time.

Very First Kiss With A Girl

  My first kiss was with a girl I called Baby Girl. She was my best friend all through out middle school and high school. She was beautiful in my eyes flawless, sexy and many other words that I thought fit her perfectly. Now the night we kissed was at a home football game and we had gotten so tired of her not being able to cheer for her team out on the field. I know people in school where like "A cheerleader and a Misfit why do they hang out together?" Haha because we had a lot in common. Still do.

How we got to kissing was on a dare from another friend. We just went with it and she made the kiss so enjoyable for me that I gave as good as I got. It was my first kiss from a girl EVER. I was clumsy and shy about it. By the end of the night though we had been kissing for a good hour and a half and didn't know what happened during the game or anything. (That can happen when your in the car making out!) She and I parted as friends and that one kiss was the only kiss we shared, But it was a kiss I will always remember!

Being Bisexual & Coming out

  Let's put this in simple terms. I am bisexual have been for years. I can not really tell you when I started looking at women and thinking that I wanted to date a woman. Although I have not dated a woman I have met a few lesbian women and bisexual women who accept me for who I am. This is about the day I came out to my parents as being Bisexual.

  I was about sixteen years old when I finally got the courage to admit to my parents that I was bisexual. I had feelings for girls and women since well lord twelve or thirteen. My first kiss from a girl was a couple nights before I came out to my parents that I like both men and women. (Though I am more into men then women sexually.) It was hard because my mother had said some things about accepting it, yet when she found out who I kissed that was a gir. She kind of flipped dead the hell out. I didn't know what to think or even what to say when she was mad that I kissed my best friend of four years.

  Needless to say my mother still does not like the fact that I like women and she herself came out as bisexual. Talk about hypocrite! Why is it wrong for me to be bisexual yet she can come out and expect to have acceptance? Alright I think I calmed down a bit since she came out but that still gets to me.

  My father has always said he wants his daughters and his sons to be dead straight. ~Rolls her eyes~ Well I am not no matter how you put it or twist it. I like women and I love men and I'd be with both sexually in a heartbeat. I want the right woman though and I have the right men in my life. I am not going to change just because they both have their morals twisted around to suit their wants and needs.

  I am proud to be Bisexual I don't hide it and I never will I am not about to start now. I've been out for nearly five years now I am nearing 21 years of age. I am going to be who I am meant to be. No matter what it means to others. I might be a bad example of a bisexual woman, but I am none the less bisexual and I AM PROUD to be just that!