A bit about my struggle to come out....and what I realize now...what I hope for now....what I intend to change.

Not everything can be as everyone wishes it to be. Sometimes it can be hard to be Bisexual because people treat you as if you are an ifection that they won’t be able to get rid of. I’ve felt like that for years because I see how others that know nothing about me look at me. I enjoy the company of women both as friends and as a potencial lover for some. I used to hide myself because I didn’t know how to cope with it or how to change what I felt.

Sometimes people can’t change it and that is alright because it says. Hey I’m me for a reason. God didn’t make a mistake when he created me or the way I am. I thought about this a long time when I was first starting to come out. I thought about how god may turn away from me for being a “sinner” then I remembered the most important lesson god had given me. I am everything. I am the beginning and the end. I am life and I am death. I am hope and I am faith. I make no mistakes because my children are mine. I show you uncoditional love as a father should.

That is how I believe in god. I believe he is everything. God is everything so what does that mean? I’ve had fights with people over my beliefs because they told me I was wrong. That god couldn’t have possibly of made gay men or lesbian women or even bisexual men and women. I found it funny after I was out and proud of who I was. No matter what they sprout off at me I just laugh. They can damn me to hell. They can try to “force” a demon from my body. That will not change the fact of who I am not with myself. Not with my partners. Not with my family by blood. Sure as hell not with my adopted family. I am who I am for a reason. God did NOT make a mistake when he created me. For that matter god made no mistakes when he created any of us.

I know there are a lot of people who don’t touch on the sobject of religion because it pisses folks off. I understand why they do it because for starters I sure as hell wouldn’t want to deal with the people who would start to sprout off.

I believe in god that is by rights my choice. I believe perhaps differently than some people but, that does not mean my beliefs should be downgraded or ignored.

I was asked once upon a time if I was happy with who I was. I was about 15. I said no I wasn’t happy. It was because I was misunderstood and I was still hiding away from my truth. I was hiding myself away without taking into fact that it was just hurting me. I believed in god I wanted to keep to god’s teachings but, I learned I can still be myself and stick with my teachings.

I won’t pretend any longer. I’m an out and proud bisexual female who loves women just as much as she loves men. I have partners that are men. I’m not ashamed of that either. I’m open about myself and I try my hardest to stay that way. If I close off it’s because it is a subject that is either hard for me or something that hurts my feelings a bit. I’ve had to handle so many things in my life that I don’t wish to be hurt. So I shut down and close myself off from just about everyone.

Sometimes I will need a break from my own hardships and I’ll focus on something else. Like my drawing or my writing. I’m the only person who can open up and talk or shut down and stay closed off. That’s one of my issues in my life. I shut down on people and I know it’s a defesive part of me but, it’s going to have to go to a certain point. Because this isn’t just about who I am now it’s about who I want to become. I want to be a better person over all. That isn’t a new years resolution either. It’s a basic want of mine and a need.

Coming out (For me)

So I am finding more and more stories about men and women who have come out to friends and family. Both good reactions and bad reactions.

    I knew myself I was different when I was younger but, honestly I didn't fully know until I kissed my first girl when I was 16. I have had to many bad things going on the year before that when I finally came out it was insane.

   Let me back track for a moment. Middle school I was always teased and picked on for being different in the sense I didn't have brand name clothing and my hair and everything they could find. It continued on into high school. I made one of the worst mistakes of my life soon after I turned 15. I left my normal high school for an online one. I struggled to get past the papers and the work they wanted done online with no teacher there to help explain I was stuck doing it alone and getting redo after redo. I hated it.

   I can honestly say that the following year or so was amazingly different. I was 16 getting ready for Halloween. Big home coming game for my old high school. I went to it because I still loved football. I enjoyed watching both the males on the field and the cheerleaders that cheered on our home team. ~Sighs softly at the memories~ My best friend was a cheerleader and I thought she was to die for. She was done for the evening cheering so she and I walked out to her car to talk. Her boyfriend and ex boyfriend had followed us. I told them to go away. I hadn't talked to my friend in nearly six months...I wanted some time to just talk with her.

   My friend and I had been so tired of males and it was weird she asked if I was into girls. I hyperventilated I didn't know how to tell her the answer. So my first kiss with her was really on a dare from the boyfriend and ex. But, we didn't blasted care if the boys got turned on or not. We enjoyed the kiss and once we had finished I told her that yes I liked girls as well as guys. I also told her I wanted and needed to walk and talk with her around the track on our side of the field and we did. (I told the boys if they followed us I'd punch them both in the mouth and they'd remember as to way I didn't care for either one of them. They were in part both assholes and only wanted sex with my best friend. So yes they pissed me off.)

   I told my parents that night that I was bisexual as well but they laughed it off as if I hadn't said it. Well after I turned 17 I told my parents again that I was indeed bisexual. I wasn't to polite about it though. I do believe my words were along these lines. "Mother, Father, I am bisexual I love the thought of pussy and cock. I also love the fact that a woman knows just what another woman wants and needs at times where a man does not. I want to fuck both a man and a woman and whatever you think you can fuck off." Then I walked on to my room and started working on my school work their jaws wide open I yelled into the kitchen and told them to close their mouths before the flies started going down their throats. I was tired of denying myself and denying what I wanted. I started dating two men soon after coming out as I did and that was after I had lost my grandpa Lester.

  My mother still to this day thinks I am going to settle down with just one man. I hate to break it to people but, I won't settle down with just one single man. That is not me. I won't settle down with one woman either. I have partners.You see my mother and father still haven't gotten that into their heads. That's okay Ii only stay civil with them because they are blood. No other reason. What love there was for them as my parents has been gone for some time now. (Sorry as I may feel for that. I've tried to settle things between us they just won't accept me fully. Because of me wanting all my partners The fact that I am not their PERFECT daughter the straight one. ~Rolls her eyes~ I'm not straight I never have been. I have always looked at both men and women. So tough luck and to bad to them. Accept me or no.)

  I am now 20 years old will be 21  February. It does get better as you go on. It is for me I just have to keep reminding myself that not everyone is as narrow minded as my family and some of the others I have had to tell. It just still scares me. I am Bisexual and damn proud of that fact. I have partners that love me and wouldn't have me any other way but, myself. I still have normal every day problems as everyone else in the world does. That only means that I am living my life to the fullest possible and working through problems and life one day at a time.

  I am not in the least sorry for writing any of this. It's the truth no matter how people may see me for it. I love hard and I live harder. It gets better and it's getting better for me everyday. One step at a time.