"The Norm" & Fears

What the hell is the "norm" anyways? Honestly I see that everyone no matter who you are needs love needs to find the one person or persons that they can truly love without hiding it. So the "norm" to me is seeing men with men, women with women, and a man and a woman together. No matter the race either this is what gets me. What people call "The Norm" really truly is something they wish to see.

  I don't understand where people get off disrespecting gay couples. I love seeing people I can relate my problems to. Some gay men are truly honestly the best friends a woman could ask for. Reason I say this is because they won't ignore you and what you are saying. Not any of the gay men I've met anyways. I love a lot of people in my life and hell let's face it most of those men and women are either gay, bisexual, or lesbian. I have maybe a handful of straight friends.

  Perhaps that is why I don't see the problem some straight men and women have with the BLGT community. I mean I fit into no one's mold of "Normal" I don't really wish to be and never will. I am me. That is who I wish to always be is myself. So yes I might get mad and ticked off at people who gay bash and are homophobic, but when it's towards people I care about then yes I am going to get a bit bitchy over it.

  I'm just feeling a bit bitchy and needing to vent. Because I have my own idea of what is normal and to all the people who can't accept that the world is ALWAYS going to have a BLGT community well they can just piss off. I don't understand where they are coming from because I don't find a damn thing wrong with being proud of who you are!


  I am proud to be a 20 year old bisexual female who has partners who are bisexual and they accept me and how I wish to live and they accept the fact that there isn't just one lover in my life.


  Sorry, I had a rough night last night with dreams about the past and just feeling off and I know sometimes my ramblings and posts might sound bitchy but, it's what is on my mind and I do have a blood brother that is homophobic which I truly will never understand what makes him so. I've had fights with said brother over my ex's who are very happy together. He has fought with me over the partners I have now. To be honest I'm fed up with the bullshit he speaks. He knows nothing about what it is to truly love someone. He has his opinions and I have mine and they are very different from his. Sometimes I go to bed crying because I know that if any of my partners showed up at my door and my brother was here they'd not stay for long. I know that I don't want any of my partners or my adopted family or my friends hurt because of my blood family. It's been on my mind a lot for the last few days.

  My birthday is coming up and my deepest wish is to see my partners. I'm not going to ask that of them because it is also something I fear. I fear for them constantly. I defend them so much from the people I can't stand to hear BS from that I've taken it out on them. I've been so frustrated, so damned mad that everything I feel ends up getting turned on them. I don't want to do that anymore. I know they have stayed but, that fear that I will mess up and end up alone is something I truly fear.

I also fear the fact that people will judge me for what I am rather than who I am. I'm proud of who I truly am. Opposed to the people who hide and are not happy with who they are. My advice to most of the people who feel like they don't know themselves is simple.....GET IN TOUCH WITH YOURSELF! Make sure you see your true self rather than the fake person you pretend to be. When you do see who you wish to be then trust me on this YOU will become that person. Slowly or fast it doesn't matter as long as you become happy with who you are.

A bit about my struggle to come out....and what I realize now...what I hope for now....what I intend to change.

Not everything can be as everyone wishes it to be. Sometimes it can be hard to be Bisexual because people treat you as if you are an ifection that they won’t be able to get rid of. I’ve felt like that for years because I see how others that know nothing about me look at me. I enjoy the company of women both as friends and as a potencial lover for some. I used to hide myself because I didn’t know how to cope with it or how to change what I felt.

Sometimes people can’t change it and that is alright because it says. Hey I’m me for a reason. God didn’t make a mistake when he created me or the way I am. I thought about this a long time when I was first starting to come out. I thought about how god may turn away from me for being a “sinner” then I remembered the most important lesson god had given me. I am everything. I am the beginning and the end. I am life and I am death. I am hope and I am faith. I make no mistakes because my children are mine. I show you uncoditional love as a father should.

That is how I believe in god. I believe he is everything. God is everything so what does that mean? I’ve had fights with people over my beliefs because they told me I was wrong. That god couldn’t have possibly of made gay men or lesbian women or even bisexual men and women. I found it funny after I was out and proud of who I was. No matter what they sprout off at me I just laugh. They can damn me to hell. They can try to “force” a demon from my body. That will not change the fact of who I am not with myself. Not with my partners. Not with my family by blood. Sure as hell not with my adopted family. I am who I am for a reason. God did NOT make a mistake when he created me. For that matter god made no mistakes when he created any of us.

I know there are a lot of people who don’t touch on the sobject of religion because it pisses folks off. I understand why they do it because for starters I sure as hell wouldn’t want to deal with the people who would start to sprout off.

I believe in god that is by rights my choice. I believe perhaps differently than some people but, that does not mean my beliefs should be downgraded or ignored.

I was asked once upon a time if I was happy with who I was. I was about 15. I said no I wasn’t happy. It was because I was misunderstood and I was still hiding away from my truth. I was hiding myself away without taking into fact that it was just hurting me. I believed in god I wanted to keep to god’s teachings but, I learned I can still be myself and stick with my teachings.

I won’t pretend any longer. I’m an out and proud bisexual female who loves women just as much as she loves men. I have partners that are men. I’m not ashamed of that either. I’m open about myself and I try my hardest to stay that way. If I close off it’s because it is a subject that is either hard for me or something that hurts my feelings a bit. I’ve had to handle so many things in my life that I don’t wish to be hurt. So I shut down and close myself off from just about everyone.

Sometimes I will need a break from my own hardships and I’ll focus on something else. Like my drawing or my writing. I’m the only person who can open up and talk or shut down and stay closed off. That’s one of my issues in my life. I shut down on people and I know it’s a defesive part of me but, it’s going to have to go to a certain point. Because this isn’t just about who I am now it’s about who I want to become. I want to be a better person over all. That isn’t a new years resolution either. It’s a basic want of mine and a need.

Searching The Stars

  I watched the night sky late last night and will again tonight. I counted the stars like I did when I was just a small child. I felt like for once I could still be me and watch a star fall or sparkle. I never knew how stars could be like people and like life until I sat watching the stars.

  I wished upon a star that twinkled last night. It felt so much like when I was a small child of about five years old. Yet, the wishes are different when you are older. One day your wishing upon the stars for a bicycle and the next it is wishing that your life would turn out just the way it should.

  My wishes, My Dreams, My hopes & My heart & soul goes into many of my thoughts. Sometimes I don't know how to keep my mouth shut and I hurt with my words. Other times I can be a sweet loving woman that is care free. I struggle with many things that aren't always something I can bring myself to talk about.

  I know what has happened is never able to be taken back. Wishing can be harmless but your words are not harmless. There are power in words. No matter what you say but, be careful of what you say and do.

  I have always wished upon stars rather than praying as much as I should have. Perhaps I should watch what I say that could hurt people that I love. Many people just see what I write on the screen. But, others see how I can be truly on some things.

  I found a star when I was 15 and wished upon it. I wished never to be alone. When I turned 16 I wished for equality for all and peace. When I was 17 I wished upon the stars to have a long happy life with people who would love me. When I turned 18 I wished for strength and I started praying for it as well. The night I turned 19 I wished to smile more for years to come. I do that every day but life is still hard. When I turned 20 I wished for something that was simple. To have a family of my own and it will still happen ever though I am telling a wish because it's also a prayer. Now getting ready to celebrate just living I want to pray and wish for peace, happiness, love for one and all. No matter the race, sexuality, it's no matter who you are. I am not going to let anything get in my way of living the way I need to live not ever again.

  So as I start my wishing tonight I want to think of all the good in the world. There is still good in the world no matter how hard it is to find. I want to remember that love and happiness exists and all the hatred in the world that is out there is just to distract us from the life we should be living. I am never going to let anything else distract me from living my life to the fullest.

Yesterday vs. Today

  Well as everyone could see yesterday wasn't one of my best days to write everything I was thinking or so I thought. No one put me down about how I was feeling or how I wrote things so I'm good.

  Now last night I had some great news from Vee and was so excited I couldn't sit still at all! Thanks Vee for taking my advice and you gotta put more faith in yourself hun. Your like a sister/brother to me already. (Hope that explains some things.) Now once you put that faith into yourself believe me it'll work wonders. Now about this date you have I think it's amazing and that it'll go perfectly smooth. (Love you!) Also just be yourself no matter how you act I'll still love you regardless!

  So since last night and the start of today has been great. I stayed up late talking to my partners or well hehe stayed up until 2am talking to three of my partners and then another got home from work and then he and I talked until about 4:30 am in the morning. Man I have missed talking to them all but, then again I talk to one or two of them every day. Just gotta remember that work is important. Now mind you I have to also get a job that pays well so I can get to them. Yet, I have faith that all is going to work out the way it should.

  Can I say that I've had a long day yet? No because honestly my day hasn't been wrapping up until the new day has already begun! I'm driving myself nutty I know but I am having a lot of fun losing my marbles. (In the sense that I am so blasted tired that I'm going insane! But, it feels so nice to talk to them and we don't have to worry about a few things.) I'm going to guess if I can get everything earned that I will have one hell of a good time moving. Now mind you I don't have to much stuff to really move. I could go by bus and everything if I wanted. Plans plans plans plans! Ugh I'll figure it all out hehe.

  Now I have been singing Sexy can I & Bed Rock && Bleeding Love as well. I've been so damn happy since last night that I have even gotten up and danced! I love to dance and sing and just have fun. But, lord I can imagine what my partners would think it I pressed close and started grinding against them as I dance Whoa gotta stop before I get to ahead of myself.

Cutting & The Ending

  Well many people find that life gets to them and everything has a price to pay. I know I get depressed sometimes and this is about one of the things I USED to do when depressed or sad.

  I was a cutter. Most people link that to being gothic or emo, but it is not just a problem with the gothic kids or even the emo kids. Cutting goes on for many reasons. With me it was because I felt like everything was my fault. My father getting drunk the night I first started cutting. My mother yelling all the time. My grandpa not liking my looks or my hair or anything about me. I would think so many bad thoughts while cutting that I wouldn't stop until I had the age I was in cuts.

  I was 16 when I first started cutting. It was shortly before the grandpa that accepted me died from old age. I guess it was his time to move on. He never got to see me graduate from GED classes never got to see my first day at college. It still gets to me. My first bout of cutting was 16 cuts to the left arm and hand. I was numb I was tired and I was drained and in pain. I wanted it to stop. Do I regret doing it today? Yes, I can honestly say I wish I had never started. It is like an addiction you just can't quit cold turkey. I am ashamed of the scars on my arm and hand and I quit about six maybe eight months ago fully.

  When I was still 16 I met a boy who was a year younger than me. I thought he loved me for me, but it turned out that he only wanted sex and when I wasn't willing to give it up. Well he went and cheated. Long distance relationship failure right there. Yet, honestly I don't really think about that much anymore. It ended after I turned 17 in May and I met two men that I did fall IN love with.

  They treated me great and still do even though I am no longer with them in the sense that we're in a relationship. The one though was a recovering cutter himself and for the few months we were together I stopped. I broke the promise to him though never to cut again. I did just shortly after we split up. I know this might be scary for some to read. I thought I was never going to be loved ever again.

  Stupid I know but, that is what I thought. I was 18 and going to Carl D. Perkins Job Corps Center. I had to stop again and I did for about 10 months. I was only there for three and the other seven months I did it on my own.

  I guess I link my problems to my family life or at home life since I still live with them. I feel like they don't care what I do. I still remember my mother's OH WELL when she first found out about my cutting. That stung she didn't try to get me to stop or anything. She still hasn't.

  I am with a few loving men now that have been a constant rock to lean on in my life. I have stopped doing all the terrible things I used to and started living for the day. I love them with all my heart and I hope they understand that my past is just that my past. I plan on staying clean of the cutting and many other bad addictions I had. At 20 years old it is time that I stood on my own two feet. Learn that words don't matter it's the love you are shown that counts in the end.

I know no matter what I do in life my men are always going to support me no matter what. That support helps me even now while I am writing this out. I remember that I am Beautiful. I am smart. I am all the things that my parents say I am not. I am not however stupid, idiot, or a moron. I am very intelligent and I am going to use my head for more than a hat rack from now on!

Rough Roads of A Mini-Adult

Rough Roads of A Mini-Adult

 

 

It is hard to be a mini-adult
Always running towards things that are there
Never knowing if it is the right thing
Yet, some how we all find our way
Through rough roads of life
Through all of the fight and flights
We find ourselves as whole as any other adult we know
Some are mini-adults like us
Others are not they are fully grown
But, this is not just the rough roads of old
But, of new as well
Dreams are hard to fill in with what life has in store
Some how we make it and don't know how
To all the fellow Mini-Adults out there
Rough roads are the roads to take
Because you become strong and know what it takes
You find the love of your life and hold onto it harder than most
Many understand that the mini-adult's are a lot like they were
Some find that they wish they had taken the hard rough roads of life
Others are finding that it is hiding away from yourself that needs to be undone
So I stand out from my rough roads and start to walk them
As my life turns out for the better I continue to walk the rough roads of life and enjoy what is to come
This I swear to myself to do always and make sure I love like no other


This is the rough roads meaning....No matter who you are or where you are. No matter what hardships you have you can and will be able to walk the rougher roads in life. It won't be easy, but in the end it is always well worth it. This is just one thing I am learning in life.

Oops My Bad

  What does this really mean when people tell you "Oops, My Bad."? Well here is how I see some of it since I have had some people say it to me recently. Oops, My Bad can mean a dozen different things, but the two most common ways it is used are this way. Oops, My Bad I didn't realize or Oops, My Bad I kinda believed the lies.

  Sometimes how people treat others makes them angry.Being lied about or being lied to hurts a person. It doesn't matter who it is that lies on you it is going to get some reactions. Yet, when someone tells the truth on lies that others have told and got caught up in, you get a ten times worse reactions than when you lie about them. That to me is being a fake. That is worse much worse in my book than telling the truth and not being believed about it. You don't have to be a fake to be liked and well liked at that. So many people can be fake, but it takes a real woman or a real man to be themselves.

  I get most angry though when lies are spread about me. This does not help matters when the real truth comes out and the ones who had believed the lies say "Oops, My Bad."  What is That person or persons bad is that they believed lies over someone telling them the stone cold hard truth and facts of the matter. They didn't want to believe the truth from you, yet when it comes out it is an "Oh I'm sorry I didn't believe you." kind of deal. Not many people can say that they have never done an "Oops, My Bad." moment because ninty percent of the time there is at least one "Oops, My Bad." That is said and it just isn't in response to believing lies or anything. You could have forgotten to get something from the store and you say that. Yet, my two main reasons of writing this are listed in here. "Oops, My Bad." has been said a lot in my life and honestly yes it is that persons bad because they would have rather believed the bad in me. Rather than the good that they know I have inside of me on a daily bases!

  So this is the plan for me. Stop listening to the "Oops, My Bad." Bullshit and start finding my own way in life and stop worrying about what other people think and say about me. Reason being is if they are talking trash about me then they aren't trash talking anyone else. They leave others alone while they talk trash behind my back. Trust me I rather save people a whole lot of grief and just let them talk bad about me rather than you.