Embrace The Rainbow

Embrace The Rainbow
Embrace The Rainbow

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Cutting & The Ending

  Well many people find that life gets to them and everything has a price to pay. I know I get depressed sometimes and this is about one of the things I USED to do when depressed or sad.

  I was a cutter. Most people link that to being gothic or emo, but it is not just a problem with the gothic kids or even the emo kids. Cutting goes on for many reasons. With me it was because I felt like everything was my fault. My father getting drunk the night I first started cutting. My mother yelling all the time. My grandpa not liking my looks or my hair or anything about me. I would think so many bad thoughts while cutting that I wouldn't stop until I had the age I was in cuts.

  I was 16 when I first started cutting. It was shortly before the grandpa that accepted me died from old age. I guess it was his time to move on. He never got to see me graduate from GED classes never got to see my first day at college. It still gets to me. My first bout of cutting was 16 cuts to the left arm and hand. I was numb I was tired and I was drained and in pain. I wanted it to stop. Do I regret doing it today? Yes, I can honestly say I wish I had never started. It is like an addiction you just can't quit cold turkey. I am ashamed of the scars on my arm and hand and I quit about six maybe eight months ago fully.

  When I was still 16 I met a boy who was a year younger than me. I thought he loved me for me, but it turned out that he only wanted sex and when I wasn't willing to give it up. Well he went and cheated. Long distance relationship failure right there. Yet, honestly I don't really think about that much anymore. It ended after I turned 17 in May and I met two men that I did fall IN love with.

  They treated me great and still do even though I am no longer with them in the sense that we're in a relationship. The one though was a recovering cutter himself and for the few months we were together I stopped. I broke the promise to him though never to cut again. I did just shortly after we split up. I know this might be scary for some to read. I thought I was never going to be loved ever again.

  Stupid I know but, that is what I thought. I was 18 and going to Carl D. Perkins Job Corps Center. I had to stop again and I did for about 10 months. I was only there for three and the other seven months I did it on my own.

  I guess I link my problems to my family life or at home life since I still live with them. I feel like they don't care what I do. I still remember my mother's OH WELL when she first found out about my cutting. That stung she didn't try to get me to stop or anything. She still hasn't.

  I am with a few loving men now that have been a constant rock to lean on in my life. I have stopped doing all the terrible things I used to and started living for the day. I love them with all my heart and I hope they understand that my past is just that my past. I plan on staying clean of the cutting and many other bad addictions I had. At 20 years old it is time that I stood on my own two feet. Learn that words don't matter it's the love you are shown that counts in the end.

I know no matter what I do in life my men are always going to support me no matter what. That support helps me even now while I am writing this out. I remember that I am Beautiful. I am smart. I am all the things that my parents say I am not. I am not however stupid, idiot, or a moron. I am very intelligent and I am going to use my head for more than a hat rack from now on!


  1. I understand the whole 'cutter' thing having done it myself not long ago. I got to the point in my life that I just wanted to end it all and after the way people were treating me I figured it'd be the easy way out of a miserable life. I'm glad you are much stronger than most of us will ever be.

  2. ~Hugs Sid and whispers~ Not always strong, but it's baby steps. You gotta take what you want in life and make sure you hang onto it. I was lucky to have friends that knew and I could talk to about it. I am a lot better than I used to be with all of this.