Are you just supposed to sit back and take the beatings? Do the memories ever go away? Do the tears stop at those memories? Do you ever just get over it and move on?
I won't pretend to know the answers to any of my own questions because I don't know any of them. I don't even know if I'll ever get over my own abuse from the people that should have loved me no matter what. My parents they are supposed to love unconditionally right?
What can be said that hasn't been said. I got to be stronger than what I normally am. I have to beat this and I have to get out. How am I going to do that? I am unemployed again. Making a little extra money writing articles on Textbroker. I want to be a book keeper. Yet, I have only my high school training in that. Can I do it?
What prompted this today? Well, my father did by punching me in the face and grabbing me by the hair and dragging me towards the door. How is that right? How can any man or woman for that matter hit their own child? I know I am a grown woman, but what rights do they have to hit me? Both my parents have done it before. What makes it right for another person to beat on their child?
Am I wrong for feeling so sad and depressed about it? Am I wrong to be angry? It's gone on for nearly 11 years and still I ain't gotten out. Why do I keep taking the abuse? I guess I want them to love me like they are supposed to. Yet, I see now they never will. Maybe they never really truly did love me their child their daughter.
I know a few things that are on my mind right now. "I need out, I need to get away, I need a life where there is no fear. I just need to live my life without abuse." Then there are other thoughts that revert to my past. "Where is my knife, Where is my razor blade, Where are the sleeping pills. I just want to die." Then I realize that is negative thinking wanting to die it's the easy way out of life and the worst thing I could ever do. So I am thinking of what I want and need. "I want a home away from the abuse. I want and need my loves by my side. I want to be with the men that love me forever. I want to go to school. I want to make something of myself. I need to make something of myself." I am somebody. I am me I am me. Always will be me. Always will be someone who wants more than an abusive family life. I want and need something more than the abuse from home. I want love and my men love me. They want me safe. Let's pray that I can get everything I truly want in my life and soon.
This is just me figuring out some things in my life. Sharing the things in my life both past and present. Some are leading up to the present and some of the past affects how I live my life today. This blog is not for people who are faint of heart. So if you have a problem with honesty and Bisexuality and Gays and Lesbians then you don't need to read this blog. Oh yes and many thanks to Matt from the blog 2 boys In Love. He gave me the idea for my blog with the Mini-Adult!
Embrace The Rainbow
Embrace The Rainbow
Holy Fawk! You've got to be kidding me! I'm going to come there and kidnap you and take you someplace safe right after I give back to them what they've done and are doing to you ten fold. I'm appalled and outraged that they can even call themselves parents. Bastards! I'm really hurting to read that and know how you're been treated. I really am and I wish I could wrap you up in my arms and give you the love you so deserve because you more than any of us need it.
ReplyDeleteSid thank you...~Smiles weakly~ It was hard to write that and honestly it wasn't over when I wrote this up...I am trying so hard to get a job again. Just to get the hell out of this place. I take all the heat off the younger ones though. Have for years. Strength comes and weakness shows at times, but I am trying hard to be strong and get the Fawk up out of here.
ReplyDeleteI think they are fawktards not to love you the way any 'rent with a brain should love their child. Sorry for the cussing but... bastards.
ReplyDeleteI cuss a lot myself Sid. I am one of six children of my father's and one of Five children of my mother's children. Honestly I don't know what to think anymore except that....I don't care what they think anymore...Imma do and be me.
ReplyDeleteThumbs up and I support you one hundred fawking percent!
ReplyDelete~Smiles~ Made my day Sid...Someone other than my loves gives a damn about me. That is what keeping me together right now. Support from my men and from good friends. Even if they are miles away!
ReplyDeleteSo I had planned on commenting yesterday, but my stupid back went out on me like an old person.
ReplyDeleteWhat I'd wanted to say is that I wish I had the power, the money and the strength to make your situation better. My father didn't physically abuse me, and my mother depended on me too much to raise her hand to me in anything other than punishment for what I'd done wrong, but when I read this post yesterday, I was so brokenhearted for you.
I can understand staying in a bad situation with your parents/family because you want them to love you. I'm 27 years old and my mother just found out that I'm Bi-gender. She wasn't happy. There comes a point, however, when you realize that love, true love, is unconditional, it is non-restrictive, non-abusive, and forever. It's understanding, compassionate, encouraging and true. Unfortunately, just because our parents birth us, it doesn't mean that they will love us unconditionally.
You're not wrong to feel sad and depressed about it. It happens, it shows you that you're still alive. If you weren't, if you'd become apathetic about the whole thing, well that's when you start to worry. It should affect you, because it AFFECTED you. I wish I could tell you that the memories go away, that the tears over those memories stop or that you get over it and move on, but it's 23 years after what my father did to me and I still think about it, I still tense up, I still cry over it and I don't think I'll ever get over it.
What I did do was use that horrible event in my life and turned it into something that helped others. I turned it into a stepping stone for me to grow and become a better person. I used my story, what happened to me, to identify it in others and to make the world better, to make the lives of others better by being completely open and honest about it. It eases the sting when I know that my story has helped some other young lady or young man overcome or get justice against their abuser.
I hope and wish the best for you Lucy/Kat. I hope for the right door to open, the right opportunity and the right people to come into your life to help you get the freedom, the support, the encouragement and the healing you need and deserve to have the life that you want and deserve.
I agree with Sidney, I support you one hundred percent.
~Wipes the tears away and smiles~ Thank you Veronica! I am commenting after I've read this a few times. I didn't know that people cared. I have the support of my men just again it comes down the the money needed to get me out.
ReplyDeleteI never knew that people could care and have a thought on what another was going through. Never had that before. I thought a lot of people would turn a blind eye to the blog. I have a lot more things that have happened in the past though that I have not posted about. It to me is a bit to hard to tell about. I am still trying to think if I should write about it.
My men are all for the blog well two of them are that have taken a peek at it. They told me if this is how you can get your thoughts and feelings out then we can't disagree with it. Then they told me they loved me and that they always would. Made me cry. We are a few hundred miles away from each other so it's hard on us all to deal with it. I am constantly worried that I am going to mess up with them. They and the friends in my life are the best I've got. They do love me even though miles away from me.
I went out today trying to find another job. I got away for a few hours. It felt like I could stand on my two feet without hurting to much. I've found that there are a few things I can do that I didn't think of before. Being laid off really fucking sucks (Pardon my language) but it does. I'm trying at least to find another job. Hopefully, I get one soon and I can earn enough to get myself out of this place.
I was looking into book keeping jobs. I'm into numbers. Yet, around this small town it's not often that you find jobs for book keeping open. So there was one more smile for the day.
Hopefully I have many more before the evening is up. Tonight I get to talk to my men about everything. They have given me places to go apply for a job at. I have...needless to say the job that I applied for today and probably could have gotten if I talked to the manager had to be postponed. Rite Aid's around here seem to need a lot of help these days. Needless to say my mother and I and my brother were also out getting food for the house and I knew I had taken up the time allotted to putting in applications.
Lucy/Kat I'm glad that your men are supportive and that you have some prospects as far as jobs go. I understand that, I am hoping to get some if my books published soon because my mother has already told me once I start the steps for my reassignment that she would be kicking me out, disabled or not.
ReplyDeleteSo it was while I was thinking about this and you and a new friend of mine Mores that I remembered something. Not sure if you live next to a military base or if your men do but there's a website http://www.usajobs.gov they hire civilians and some of them will pay the relocation fees if you get the job. There are a bunch of different positions. You should look into it.
I can also understand your hesitation over sharing more of what has happened to you. I still haven't done that on my blog. I share it IRL during sessions with victims or teens in the LGBT center but online? Not yet. I admire your strength in sharing what you have shared already.
Also, you would be amazed at how many people have within them the capacity to care. But for me I do care and if there is anything else I can do for you just let me know.
I'll let you know...and I'll check it out for sure.
ReplyDelete