Wednesday, September 14, 2011
New Way to Live
So this was my firs attempt at writing in a long long time and I didn't know what to think it's just thoughts and feelings and what I want to become and what I am slowly becoming I guess. I am not a normal writer I guess HELL who knows. I still Haven't figured out what to really call my writing other than musing or muses. So this really has become something that I have been afraid to put up on the blog I didn't know if anyone would wish to read it let alone think on it. I was nervous as hell and then I remember that My Big Sis VeeVee (Love Bug) was just as nervous if not more so to get her books published! So now I am going to post some of my stuff here for everyone to see and please comment or not I don't know do what you want. Just don't down me on it that's all I ask.
New Way To Live
Waking up to a new day you find all the colors are gone all the pretty little lies that you wanted to believe are gone. Nothing is the same nothing. You find yourself in the place that you never wanted to be. You’re hurting without even struggling to survive. Yet that’s what is wrong with you. You have to struggle to survive on your own. Hungry, wet and tired you walk this road alone until you find work for yourself. A place where you can call home and a place where you can finally love the ones you have been waiting for all your life. With your head held high you find a new way to live, a new way to survive and a new way to see things.
Nobody knows that the pain you feel is less now than when you were younger. It seems like it is still the same amount in your eyes and theirs. You remember the nights you cried yourself to sleep over what your family had done to you. Yet nothing is the same now as it was then. You found a new way to hold yourself up. Your fears are starting to melt away into the happiness you always sought to find. How else can you become the young woman you must in order to have everything you want or need.
Everyone seems to be against you, but that is just in your mind. Your loves want you to better yourself because they know you are not happy with the way you have been. You seem to become me resentful of what they already have rather than what you can have with them. This makes you into the bitch that you are. This is what you show them on a daily bases. Nobody would wish to be around someone like that. Not that you can see and you know that it is not meant for you to act in this way to people.
Being the person you are when your blood family isn’t around you find as a struggle. It’s not like you to find a balance with your real self and the person you are when you’re around them. Constant bitching about stupid things you try so hard to tune it all out. You just want to be where you know you can be happy. The thought is the only thing that keeps you strong. That keeps you from curling up into that little ball you know so well. You don’t back down from the bullshit that goes on around you any longer.
Families are not supposed to treat you like this. They are supposed to treat you like a person like you are a human being not as if you are something disgusting. It hurts to even think that you could become like that. Yet you are starting to do exactly that without meaning to. You have that fear that you aren’t good enough not to become the very thing you fear. It’s like going through the fire and coming out with the burns but still going back for more.
What makes a person start to really look at their life? Well let me tell you it isn’t being told to take a good hard look because that just makes the person madder than hell. It takes real guts to take a peek at their life and see the wrong they have done and the wrong that has been done to them. Once they take that look what they do with the information is up to that very person. They can let the bad rule their life or they can let the good shape them into a better person for that is truly what makes it golden.
So many people let the bad choke them until it all that they have left to hold onto. It’s not that hard to do when you get to thinking about the bad and never the good in life. It happens so slowly yet so fast that you have less than a second to stop the process before it engulfs your whole world and life. People fear so much of the darkness that they can never embrace the light that is there. There is always a light at the end of a very long dark tunnel. Can I say it is easy getting there no because I have yet to make it to the very end of the tunnel of that darkness I have in my own life.
I can say that my loves are behind me a hundred percent for my changing into the woman I should be. Can they handle that road once it is started is my only fear that I can’t bring myself to let my thoughts drift to so often. It is so scary to picture that darkness and then the light gods when you think about it my logic has flaws. Yet some have a logic that is flawless.
All I want for myself and all I need to try to be the person I was meant to become. This is my only wish for my life. I wish for all the happiness not only for myself but for my loves. I hope and pray that I will have children with the men I love and that we can make it through life without fighting over petty bullshit. I want to know that they are happy with everything that happens. I want to know that we won’t regret our lives together.
Can I tell myself that it will all work out for the good? I can but will it is the biggest question in life. If you worry about it then it won’t turn out exactly right. Yet, if you stop worrying about it all the time it will turn out better than you could have imagined. These little things in life don’t add up to the biggest things you’ll ever do in life. They are just small little things that keep you on your way to the bigger things in life.
I have always thought that the biggest thing in my life would be becoming a mother. I fear becoming like my mother and with that fear becomes depression and sadness. I fear the one thing I know I will never become with the men I love. They would never allow me to shift from the abused to the abuser of a child. With that fear there becomes understanding of me for my mind’s eye. I am the oldest child from an abusers family. I have made it to the point where I know for a fact that I will be alright. Yet, I want to become better that alright. I want to become to the point where my past no longer suffocates me under its weight. I want the fears to melt away and become a thing of the past. I will better myself for the future. Where I will not become the abuser but stay the abused forever. Yet, that past will melt away into understanding and transform me into the person I should have been when I was seventeen.
Fears can crush you or they can make you. What you do with your fears is up to you. No one else can tell you to get rid of the fears. No one else can tell you that they haven’t had to get rid of fears themselves. Yet, there are many people in this world who have had fears and become so much better than those fears that it makes it seem that they had no fear at all. Surpassing the fear would have been their biggest feat. My biggest trail and feat will be surpassing all my fears one at a time until I myself am alright with everything in my life.
People have asked me “Do you think it is okay to be with so many men? Do you think god would approve of such a relationship?” Well I cannot say what God Almighty would or does approve of and neither can they. So while I’m not thinking about that let’s put it like this. If God Almighty didn’t want me to love so many people in my life or fall in love with this many people in my young life. Then he would not allow it. He made us different for a reason. I believe in God Almighty, The Holy Spirit, and Jesus Christ, but there is only one whom can ever judge me and that is God. These questions have become so normal to hear that it doesn’t faze me anymore. I just look at them and say “What right do you have to judge me? What will be shall be and what is not to be shall never be. God will chose if he wants me in his kingdom, but you are not god so therefore have no rights to pass judgment upon me.” Then I just get up and walk away from them leaving them in a jaw dropped state that makes me smile.
I don’t like getting the bible thumped at me. That is a pet peeve of mine always has been probably always shall be. Getting preached at is the same thing as getting the bible thumped at you. Makes me feel like the person is judging me just because they do not like how I am. I find that the more that I am different the more times I find myself judged. Today people are so worried about what others do that they don’t take a good hard look at themselves.
So many things have started happening in my life not only do I have a wonderful adopted family, but I have become something of a writer of a blog that is about my life, about my feelings, just about me in general. I thought that no one would read it let alone comment on it. I have so many things that have become just something I do but this, this isn’t just something I am doing just to be doing it.
I have always wanted to become a writer ever since I was a little girl and nothing seemed good enough to be called a story to me. Then I realized everything has meaning to someone and maybe just maybe what I write could be called something. I have gone through so much in my young life but, nothing is wrong with that. Nothing is wrong with that at all. Sometimes I wonder if I am good enough. Then I remember that I am supposed to be just me. A person, A woman, A lover, A friend and that is when I start wanting to ball my eyes out. I am becoming everything I want to be. It’s just taking a little time.
I’m not a little girl anymore, but I do still have dreams of becoming a writer. Big dreams of having someone like or love my work. Sometimes I think “Oh Hell this is never going to work!” Then I start beating myself up over it and saying. “You can stop being so damn negative.” So maybe something I write will be considered something!