Friday, October 21, 2011
Heart to Heart
Now I'm not sure if most will understand this or not. Heart to Heart isn't about having a Heart to Heart with myself but, more of getting some things straight and putting it bluntly.
I know for a fact my blood family hates me and doesn't accept me. They never will understand the love I have for my adopted family. Never understand why I truly love more than one man & Love the thought and need for a woman. They have never truly accepted me as their not so perfect Little girl or Big Sister. I don't understand why it is so hard to accept certain things about me.
I have been thinking of killing myself since I was ten years old. It isn't something I normally talk about nor do I have a fondness to talk about it now honestly. But, I think people should understand this side of me just a little small bit.
When I was ten years old I was touched by a family friend. I wrote about it once before of how it happened and why I never reported it. A couple months after this happened just before I turned 11 years of age I went out onto the rooftop from my bedroom window and looked down at the ground. I may not have jumped but, it was tempting to do so. As much as I have done to myself over the years I don't think I've ever truly let go of the past and I don't think I truly know how to let it go.
I have taken pills, cut on myself, drank alcohol, smoked weed, thought about jumping from my bedroom window, thought about slitting my wrists, thought about taking a bottle of pills and never waking up again. All because of my past and the hurt it causes me still to this very day. I'm not perfect and I will never be perfect. The things I have thought about in my young life has caused harm to my partners to my adopted family. (Of three years nearing four now.) I have done a few things I am not so proud of. Perhaps it was pride and ego for some of the things. At times I am very insecure about my looks about my beauty about my worth to my partners that I have today. I double guess them and ask them things that get them fed up with me. Sometimes I think that they get so fed up they may leave and that scares me A LOT.
I know most people will not understand my cutting and I'm going to tell how it first started, why I snapped my resolve of not giving into the dark thought of cutting, & why I finally did stop. I was 16 just came out to my parents not to long before this happened. I didn't do something that my father had told me to do I'm not sure exactly what it really was even to this day I can't remember what I was told to do that I didn't do. My mother came home to find every dish on the floor, paper, pots, pans, plates, cups, everything that was in the kitchen was on the floor either all in one piece or busted. My father had gotten so pissed off at everything that he had tossed everything from the table and deep freezer off onto the floor. He left in the car no sooner than my mother got back. At that time my room was downstairs where the computers for my schooling were at. My mother tossed a broken plate at me and I felt like I was to blame for everything and anything! I wasn't exactly thinking that first time I cut I saw my hand and arm had two cuts on it and I just thought "I want the pain to go away. I want to stop feeling like everything is my fault. I want to stop feeling like I'm not loved. I want my pain to be gone for a while."
You know something the thoughts didn't exactly process until after I had cut into myself sixteen times into my arm and hand. I did this quite a few times with myself I did my age and thought I was a mistake to my parents. (I wasn't rational! Sometimes I am still not rational. Sometimes I think of cutting still.) I remember when I first woke up with the first set of cuts I ever gave myself. It hurt and I don't mean a dull pain that goes away when you ignore it long enough. They had already gotten infected because I didn't clean them. I didn't bother to think about cleaning them. I put on a long sleeved shirt and went to bed that night.
I have never done well with pain until I started cutting into my left arm. It's never been anything other then my left arm and hand when I was cutting. Perhaps I should explain. I thought that the left side was the bad side and my right side was the good side. Does that make sense to you? I also thought that bleeding and the blood spilled was cleaning my "bad blood". I was so entirely wrong. I don't have "bad blood" I have a pure heart and soul just I am damaged by my past pains and past hurts and just my past. No one can truly understand me until they get to know me. When they do I get a bit clingy I guess but I love hard and love to the fullest possible.
Again I am not perfect and I won't pretend to be. I have problems that run deeper than just the present it's the past that affects me and it has affected me in some bad ways and then also in some good ways. I know that the pain I have from my parents hitting me and also the pain of that family friend touching me is going to be apart of my past forever. I just have to come to terms with that and MOVE ON.
I'm going to talk a little bit more about my family. I have one older sister that is a half-sister she's a real bitch to get along with. Hates all of us kids that isn't her full brothers and sisters. She talks about us like we're dogs and I've heard her when she talks about me. Now if she wants to talk shit about me that's her business and mine BUT, you want to talk shit and then your all nice up in my face. No I don't think so that doesn't fly with me. I've cut ties with her for that reason. She still talks trash about me but, that is fine I know who I am, what I am, and how I'll always be. If she's talking about me she's going to leave other people alone.
My year or so younger sister that is with child. Lord, she has told me one to many times that she hates me. She used the baby she is carrying against me and she knows I mean truly KNOWS that I will bend to her will if it means I can see my lil niece when she is born. Well, no fucking more. I'm not going to pretend to be her bitch ass maid or slave just so I can see my lil niece and hold her. No I'm done trying to be nice to my sister just for that sake. Everything has gotten to the point I'm tired of hearing her hatred towards me I am so sick and tired of the baby being used against me. I am so tired of being told it's the pregnancy. FUCK THAT! A woman who knows what hurts people and has as big a mood swing as to tell your older sister that you won't be able to hold or see the baby if.....yadda yadda fucking yadda yadda. She's used that so much that the words don't even matter anymore. Now that rant is over.
My younger brother that is 18 is someone that truly has hurt me deep and I am always praying will change his views. Sorry this may make people say WTF?!? My brother is one of the biggest BIGGEST homophobes I know. He doesn't like the fact I have gay friends or lesbian friends or well any friends from the BLGT community. He isn't someone I want my friends to ever have to deal with. I would never forgive myself if my brother tried to hurt one of my friends or adopted family. (Believe me he's already said things about my partners and I told him that he was wrong as hell.) My brother has hit me countless times and yes some of those times I believe I deserved it. I've slapped him for calling me a whore twice in my life and slapped him another four times for calling me a "Fag" lover. I hate those words with a passion and I always will. Other times he's said things and I've just let it slide and I ended up being hit for it. I've got a temper and I know it. Sometimes I'll do more than slap and when I see my own blood drawn by someone else I lose it completely. I'm not going to say much more than that I'm again not prefect and I do have a bad temper and I've changed a lot in the last couple years. I'm a better person now then what I was before.
My littlest sister is only 12 and she is spoiled rotten. I love her dearly and she's never hurt me. She's sweet as candy until to eat to much candy that is then your sick. She's a lot like candy and she has a bite to her. She is one of the smallest of us in weight wise. She's lucky I mean really lucky that she is so thin. She eats what she wants and it goes to her ASS. I swear I want to have her little bubble butt LOL. She's amazing honestly and she does know about me being bisexual and she just says that I understand but, I'm not like you and Sis. I don't mind that my youngest sister is straight and I told her this. I told her if you weren't born this way then why would you wish to be something you are not? I hope she grows up to be happy and whole and I pray each night that she'll never cut on herself or drink or get hurt or do drugs or pills. This is my wish for her...for her to always be happy.
My youngest brother is 7 years old and he's a little devil at times but I do love him. He's always been a hyper active child and I was there through the night and day he was born it my mother was about three weeks late from her due date and they were going to induce her labor. When they did it was back labor from then on. Yes I was young and I was proud to watch my baby brother come into this world. You see loving my two youngest siblings has been the best damn thing in my life other than my adopted family and my partners. I'm young yet, with a whole lot of living to do. I'm going to live my life to the fullest because I have something wonderful in my life.
My mother and father have hurt me for years and honestly they don't deserve the time to even mention them but let's get this straight and not crooked. I tried for years to love my mother and father regardless of all the pain and hurt that there is between us. I've been slapped, kicked, punched, & many other things that involve having bruises and cuts and scrapes. I've had one set of stitches because of my mother. I'll write about that incident at one point but, right now no I'm not going to. I've had a lot of things that hurt me but, I'm stronger truly stronger then all the bullshit that has happened to me.