There has been so much to do and so little time to get it done and I can't figure out if it's because I feel crazy or what. So a couple days ago my laptop screen busted. I picked it up like I always do. Hand on the bottom and fingers lightly touching the back of the screen or fingers at the top...Two inches below my fingers the screen just cracks. I mean damn it's only been six months or less that I have had this laptop and what happens.
It was after everything happened with my sister that day. She may be VERY pregnant and getting closer to her due date but, that doesn't give her the right to strip me bare of my calm cool and collected thoughts. I try to joke with her and get flipped off. I joke with her when a friend does and she tells me FUCK YOU. I don't understand that BS. but, when she found out that the laptop screen had busted she told me it was Karma and that I'd learn to not fuck with her.
I don't know where she gets off telling me it's karma that took it out on me. Yet, she thinks that it gets to me that I can't get online as much as I have been doing. Well a good friend let's me borrow her laptop and you know what she let's me earn the money I need to online from textbroker. You see writing articles is how I've been earning money for the last four to five months something like that. I've been doing good and my goal is to get up to enough to purchase a new TOSHIBA. I loved the one that the screen busted this past weekend and intend to get it fixed after getting a new one.
It means a lot to me to get this one fixed though. Everything I hold dear with my writing and stories and everything is on it. Thank gods the memory sticks I have have some of my poems on it and the pictures of my adopted boy as well. Just the one adopted boy but, still it's special to me. I've been racking my brains out all day trying to figure out how I'm going to get everything done up.
Everything has been doing well other than the laptop and my sister's bullshit. I'm so close to snapping and telling her that it doesn't matter what she says I'll always be myself. If she can't accept me now what makes me think she'll accept me when I'm not in her life every single day.
Family means everything to me. My partners are supportive of what I want in life. Why in the hell can't she be? She never wanted me with some of the partners I am with and she never wants to share the joy of the fact I am IN love. Can I tell myself that all will be alright? Yes it'll be okay in the end but, right now it's not okay. It won't be okay until I'm away from her and happy. It's time to think of all the things that I have to deal with.
Okay ranting this much has got to be okay I mean I'm not feeling like I was and I'm not going to feel like that again. Unless my sister wants to say things to me again and act like she's Queen of the Lands or some such BS. She isn't any better than I am and I am no better than her BUT, when this stuff happens it tears me apart and gets me into a ranting and raving mood and I don't want to take it out on my partners. They don't deserve that at all. They don't deserve to have me take out my frustrations onto them. I've been trying to stop doing that kind of stuff and now I am going to start doing it more than anything else. I AM TIRED OF FEELING like I have to hurt just because others think I don't have FEELINGS.
I have feelings that get hurt easily. I'm not one to show to much to people up front. I cry at night where no one sees the tears. I try to keep from anyone seeing that it hurts to be here where I am. Each and every night I smile though because I get to talk to my partners in some way shape or form. There are so many things that I've said and done and yet they still love me. Still want me. I HOPE & PRAY it's always like that. I can't seem to get enough out of my system at this moment in time. I can talk until I am blue in the face to some people but, that will never help if they won't take or make the effort to listen to what I am really saying.
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