Music I've listened to As of late

So here is something I've been listening to a lot and there are a few more that will be put up after this as well. I am just thinking that my thoughts have been drifting in and out lately. I also love to dance to many songs and there will be a few of those up here in a moment.

Now this is a song that is going below that hit home with me and how I feel about being so far apart from my partners. It's honestly something I don't want to think about anymore but, I have to still.

Yes I had to put four of nearly the same song two for the girl and then two for the guy sorry if it's a bit too much for people.

Sugar & Me Shouldn't mix much

I'm a sugar addict...I love sugar always have but lately I have cut back drastically on my sugar intake...I know I have problems with my sugar levels and it shows. I am doing everything perfectly fine now but, I have also been trying to get into shape. I know that doing this now is going to be hard.


Eating right should have been doing that my whole life but honestly i haven't been at all. Except for recently. My partners are worried about me. 96 in sugar is good nothing to worry about but, when it drops or gets higher then 100 or so it's bad.

Clearance Clearwater Revival

Yes I know weird me but, I've loved music since I was younger and still am young and still love all the older music I can get my hands on!

Dear Author: Finding My Courage After Being Molested (GR post)

   This is a rather long post and it's up on GR. This is my Dear Author letter. I finally got the courage to write about it. I wanted to share it here because I didn't want to retype it out. It took me a long time just to post this on GR. But, honestly I feel better a lot better. Warning it's long very long. It's just time to put myself out there and start talking. Start trusting others to understand. If they don't it's fine because honestly they don't have to understand just not treat me poorly after reading.



This is hard for me to even write but, I thought this was as good a place as any to write my story. I've been scared for 10 years now to ever write it down on paper or even on the world wide web. Most here know me as Kat. Some know me as Lucy/Kat due to my blog. So I got off track a little bit because I am nervous to write this all out.

I was 10 years old it was after 9/11 and after my uncle died that December. New year's as a matter of fact. My parents had invited two of their family friends over to the house to play cards and drink. I was young and I wanted to try it out. (Yes, I know stupid!) My mother did give me a glass of Boone's Farm. Now most don't know that alcoholic beverages and a young girl do not mix! I do now oh boy do I!

Well, I'll put a name to the friends my parents invited over. Jake (Not the real name. I'm just not ready for that.) and Sissy they had known them for a few years now since I was about 7 years old. Well they played and drank for a little while and before the ball fell my mother and Sissy went to bed and my father went into the front room to watch the ball fall on TV. I was left in the kitchen with Jake.

I only remember this because I'm one of the unfortunate ones who can remember what they do while drunk. Jake asked if I wanted to try a different flavor of the Boone's Farm. I being young and very stupid said sure. We were in there a good 15 minutes alone and I had drunk half the bottle of this Boone's Farm (Pink in color to me still is to this day.) I went into the front room and watched the ball fall and soon after that I went to bed for the night. I didn't stay asleep for to long at least I don't think I was asleep that long. I woke up to something touching my breast and I shoved them away. When I opened my eyes fully I saw that it was Jake.

He told me that if I wouldn't let him touch me he'd touch my little sister. I was to scared for her to even think or run. I let him touch me BUT, for someone to say I asked for it. To say that I gave my consent they would be very wrong in that thinking. I never in my life wanted that pervert touching me anywhere. He never touched my bare body but, it still rips your soul apart.

I remember trying to tell my mother and father both but, they didn't have time to hear it so I let it go. I never mentioned it again to anyone. I lived with it for six years before I started cutting on myself when I was 16 This also was the year I came out as being bisexual. That started for many reasons. I felt stupid, I felt at fault for all the bad going on in my families lives. I was still stupid in many ways in life and in love as well.

Cutting is not something that takes the pain away. It just causes so many more problems in life. I had started dating long distantly and that kept me safe from pain of being forced into something. Jake was still around in my life and yes on many occasions he tried to touch me and see down my shirt and things. It made me cut that much more when he was around and trying to mess with me. My mother and father never saw any of this. Blind as they were they didn't remain blind to it for to much longer.

Shortly, before I came out to my parents I pulled a large kitchen knife out on Jake and swore to cut off his private parts if he ever so much as touched me again or tried to touch my little sisters. I told him I ever heard of him touching either of them and he'd pray that he was dead long before I got to his sorry rear end. My mother and father came into the kitchen and found me holding the knife against his groin. When they asked me what was going on I of course told them nothing. I didn't want to even bother trying to warn them again.

My parents had another friend that came into my life about this time as well. Her name let's say is Kenya. Somehow she found out about Jake touching me when I was 10 and told my mother and father. ~Shakes her head~ I denied telling her anything of the sort because I hadn't told her a thing to my parents. I told them the story however was the truth. They didn't believe me and that stung. Jake still came around and was left alone with me one other time.

I punched him in his groin for pulling my shirt down and I was in the room with my brother and him at that time. Brother had his back turned when it happened.

Soon after I turned 17 I was dating two men. I still have contact with them although I am no longer with them. We got into the subject of them wanting to know what all happened in my life so far. (They are older then I am. But, age doesn't matter to me when it love and true friends.) I got into the fact that I drank and cut myself. They asked me what made me do that to myself. I broke down after an hour and a half of them asking me to talk to them about this. The best thing about it is they believed me someone in my life finally believed what I told them rather then turning their back on me and telling me that I was lying. I felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders.

I want to explain why I never told the cops. I was scared to even say anything to anyone but my mother and father and when they were to busy to listen and I stopped trying I rolled up into a shell. I have thought about killing myself for 7 years out of the 10 years that I have lived with this. Who ever said that time heals all. Didn't know jack about molestation at all!



I am now 20 years old and have been away from Jake for nearly three years. Does it get better? Yes, it gets better the longer I am away from that man and the longer the time that passes it gets better. Does the memory fade away? No, it's still as strong as when it first happened. Do the tears that I have cried ever stop? You know I am still working on answering that myself when I know that one I will let you know. My new partners that I love dearly also know about what happened with Jake. Did I tell them? Amazingly, no I didn't, reason being is that they live with my ex's that are a lot like family to me. They told them and fair warned them that I still had a lot of problems sharing it with anyone. Am I glad that someone in my life believes me without question? Pardon my language here but, HELL YES. It makes it so much easier to handle knowing that my partners and my adopted family believes that it happened. The story has been the very same and always the telling is hard.

I have cried while typing this out. I've had to stop and retype so it reads better. Then again I also had to stop to collect myself and my thoughts. I am still scared as I was back then but, I gained the courage and the support that I needed when I was older and had lived with it. What makes it easier is the distances away from the one man I never want to see again. ~Knocks on wood after typing that out~

I have the courage to live. I have the courage to be strong. I have the courage to smile. I have the courage to love my partners who all are men. This didn't break me it shaped me into the woman that I had the potential to become. Do I wish it never happened? Yes every single day for the last 10 years I have wished that. But, you can't make wishes come true after it's already happened. You can only make your life that much more better. You can have the COURAGE to live and break free of the cycle of torment that it causes for you.


Sincerely & with much Courage,
Kat

Impossible

  Sometimes I think things are impossible & will never work out. I have heard this song and loved it for quite some time and wish to think that sometimes someone understands the impossible feelings that I have had or am having on some days, Not everyone may feel this way but, some people do.

  I thought love was impossible to come by and snag you hook line and sinker (Fishing talk!) I thought love was a myth when I was growing up. It's not I love my partners more than anything else in this world. Except for god even he trumps out my partners. But, what I am saying is this.

  The Impossible becomes the possible when you make it become that. No one else has that power but, you, yourself. No one else is going to force you to get up off your ass and do things for yourself. Only you can do the things people tell you that are impossible.

  Yes, I know three of the same song tells you just how much I love it don't you think?

Searching The Stars

  I watched the night sky late last night and will again tonight. I counted the stars like I did when I was just a small child. I felt like for once I could still be me and watch a star fall or sparkle. I never knew how stars could be like people and like life until I sat watching the stars.

  I wished upon a star that twinkled last night. It felt so much like when I was a small child of about five years old. Yet, the wishes are different when you are older. One day your wishing upon the stars for a bicycle and the next it is wishing that your life would turn out just the way it should.

  My wishes, My Dreams, My hopes & My heart & soul goes into many of my thoughts. Sometimes I don't know how to keep my mouth shut and I hurt with my words. Other times I can be a sweet loving woman that is care free. I struggle with many things that aren't always something I can bring myself to talk about.

  I know what has happened is never able to be taken back. Wishing can be harmless but your words are not harmless. There are power in words. No matter what you say but, be careful of what you say and do.

  I have always wished upon stars rather than praying as much as I should have. Perhaps I should watch what I say that could hurt people that I love. Many people just see what I write on the screen. But, others see how I can be truly on some things.

  I found a star when I was 15 and wished upon it. I wished never to be alone. When I turned 16 I wished for equality for all and peace. When I was 17 I wished upon the stars to have a long happy life with people who would love me. When I turned 18 I wished for strength and I started praying for it as well. The night I turned 19 I wished to smile more for years to come. I do that every day but life is still hard. When I turned 20 I wished for something that was simple. To have a family of my own and it will still happen ever though I am telling a wish because it's also a prayer. Now getting ready to celebrate just living I want to pray and wish for peace, happiness, love for one and all. No matter the race, sexuality, it's no matter who you are. I am not going to let anything get in my way of living the way I need to live not ever again.

  So as I start my wishing tonight I want to think of all the good in the world. There is still good in the world no matter how hard it is to find. I want to remember that love and happiness exists and all the hatred in the world that is out there is just to distract us from the life we should be living. I am never going to let anything else distract me from living my life to the fullest.

Jamey Rodemeyer, Age 14 So much pride and Spirit. It's a lose to us all. RIP Jamey

He had so much spirit. So many things he has done and yet he took his life. RIP Jamey Rodemeyer. I will be praying for your family your friends and the ones you loved. I see so much spirit in what he has said what was being said don't let his words die. ~Fist Bumps & A whole lot of hugs~ I wish I had the chance to have met him before he passed away. Have a moment of silence for the lose of a wonderful individual he will surely be missed by one and all.

Uberly Tired

  I think that when I wrote at 2 in the morning I was so tired I didn't even proof read a thing I wrote. I just set it up to be written and wrote. I love the rainbow (really love it) Don't know why just do. I love colors but, right now I'm running on low fuel so to speak. So I think I'm going to crawl back into bed and have myself a lazy day until about 6 in the evening. Hoping I get my check cashed and the money in my hands so I can put some of it up and spend a little on what I need. ~Yawns softly~ Gah nighty night people I gotta kick this cold or whatever I am coming down with before this weekend.

Opinions of a few I have met (Nothing bad I swear!)

  I never thought I would ever get to the point where I could say that I was loved as I can say now. Maybe it's because I have several loves in my life. Not just my partners but family as well. I'm going to share my insight on a few people I have met in such a short time. Starting from a loving big sister to people that touch my life deeply every day even if they don't know it.

  First my partners, although I do not mention them by name here I really want to share how I see them. I feel everything with them and sometimes I do cry. Being so far away from them is a struggle for me. I hate where I live with a passion. Yet, I know my time with them is coming and when it does people who get in the way of my happiness will really wish they hadn't. I would do anything for my partners and I truly hope they realize that. I would tell them anything and I really try. Each and every single one of them brings something inside of me alive. They make me feel alive, cared for, loved, cherished, unique, & most importantly I am IN love with them. That's the most important thing to me. They all are the most important people in my life except for my adopted family.

   My Two Big Brothers I love them deeply. They apart of my adopted family and I wouldn't trade anything in this world that would make it less true. I would however trade anything in this world to keep them in my life. I don't think either of them know or understand just how much they affect my life just by being who they are. They make me want to be somebody rather than nobody at all.

  My adopted family period. I love them always have always will for the last 3 years and nothing and no one could ever change my love for them. I'd fight to the death to keep them in my life. I could never ask for more for a family. Nothing really ever seems right unless I tell them how I am or how I am feeling.

  VeeVee...I haven't known her long but I truly care for her deeply. She's like the big sister I never had (I do have a big sister that a half-sister but she doesn't treat me well) Vee is sweet, compassionate, warm, caring, loving, and all around sexy person who could never be replaced in this world. She lifts me up even when I don't need lifting and she gives so much of herself in her writing. She makes sure a person gets the message the first time and never let's you down not even when she thinks she does. Vee has so much pride that I don't think she sees it truly in herself. Not like a lot of us see it anyways. There are so many wonderful things about her and I could go on and on about how I see her. But, I have no desire to make her cry. I just wanted to share a little insight on how I see her. She is also like a big brother to me because as much as I love her she has her Vic side. They are nearly the same person just. Hehe you rarely can tell the difference unless she is mad or in a very excited mood.

  Matt is a sweet heart from the blog 2 boys in love. I can not tell him enough because honestly he is special to me and I have never in my life met the man. His & Brad's blog talks about so real honest things that make me smile, laugh, anger (when Matt posted about seeing the guy from high school), cry & sometimes I just do two things out of the list all at once. Not the anger though that is reserved for the bad shit that has happened. I see so many people who cares for Matt & Brad both that it makes me smile make me grin and yes sometimes even makes me cry. I never knew there could be so many caring people out there towards anyone. Matt always brings his best and his worst and seems to blend it together. Sometimes he is a bundle of nerves and we're all trying to tell him. TAKE a step back, breathe, relax, take a step forward. I'm an overprotective big sister. To me Matt is like a little brother to me.

  Brad is a bossy sweetheart. his love for Matt shines through when he is posting about Matt. I would kick anyone's ass over hurting either Brad or Matt. This is just the kind of person I am. Brad is a good deal many things. He has said that I am a sweetheart and sometimes I honestly think I can be a bitch. But, Brad he can make a smile come onto anyones face. Make their day even when they truly don't want to be in a good mood. (I should know he does it to me each and every time I read something he has posted and same can be said for Matt.) You see Brad has touched my heart in more ways then well I think he realizes. I find myself rooting for Brad & Matt every day and I pray for them at night. It's not a worry pray either it is just thanking god that I have him in my life. I can share in some things by reading Matt & Brad's blog and lord knows I put in a good dose of my own opinion in there. I am rambling AGAIN.

  Sid lord he has made me smile a lot and cry and just all around makes me see things in a different light every day. He doesn't mince words and he gets straight to the point. He's honest he's got opinions he has determination. He doesn't in the least strike me as a person who would hurt you on purpose. Unless his friends and family were hurt then you very well may have a very pissed off Sid on your hands. I for one rather have Sid on my good side and it's not because he scares me either. It's because I respect and love his opinions. I know he'd give honest opinions and encouragement no matter what.

  I can never say to much about people I care for and I know I missed a couple people. Like Thorny & Jazz. I honestly don't know how to some up those two into mere words. I can go on and on about how they both can make me smile because of their blog posts. I can say so many great things about all of them. What it comes right down to is the simple fact that. I am so damn glad that I am getting to know them. Getting to form my very own opinions of them. I think they are good opinions about them. I wouldn't change anything I don't regret meeting and talking to them and I truly hope and pray everything in their lives stays good and some things get better.

  So you all might gather I have formed many opinions on some people. I want to share that and then I want to smile and just sit back and think of things that have made me smile. Because honestly I have been given a lot of reasons to smile. A lot of reasons to laugh. A lot of reasons to be excited for some. It's not just what I want to say about people that matter though.

  What truly matters in any ones life is what they themselves think of who they are. I want them to understand that it matters not what others think of you. Not the bad they think of you in anyways. The good can be uplifting. The bad things though are the downers. You can't let that affect you. The reason for that is because once that affects you fully and you start thinking of yourself in a bad light is the time people that love you start worrying a lot about you. The downers are idiots plain and simple. No one should have the right to judge you except for one. That's god and why would he judge us for being who he made us to be? God doesn't make mistakes. He makes us who we are for a reason.

  I want to close with showing a video I think I posted it up a little farther back but only as a link not the video itself on here. (Because I didn't know how yet! My bad.) I hope today is a great day for everyone. Smile, Laugh, dance, dream, hope, enjoy yourself. Above all else continue to love yourself. I think you all are amazing. So the song Amazing is put into this post. George Michael's rocks and he's someone I hope people know well enough to understand his music.

Dark Hunger (Story)

Dark Hunger

Dark hunger holds me into place as a slow deep lust builds up inside of me no one knows this feeling is inside of me. No one knows that it comes up every time the word slut comes out of their mouth. I lust for blood so rich and deep red. To see it pour would make me the happiest person alive. Richness of the blood is determined by why you want it to begin with. Lust for death in a person makes the blood tainted. So the richness of this blood is tainted due to what I want. You might ask all the things that you think you need to know but you can never truly tell if I am telling everything when it comes to the blood lust of my hatred.

                      Must I start with the beginning of life before I had the lust for blood? I was human once just like you are now. Was the happiest little bitch in the world but I was bitter with my parents my family my blood family. Everyone always told me I was stupid I was born Jaid Roxy McNeil in Feb. 18^th of 1774. Being the daughter of a wealthy shipyard owner wasn’t the easiest thing in the world.  My mother was a proper lady so unlike myself that I have always had a hatred for her. Siblings where always there I love the youngest brother and sister to death never will I drain their blood like I wish to of the other three of my siblings. I was 20 years old and still living at home. A man from my childhood had been offering for my hand for quite some time now. I did not want that kind of life which my mother had. Simple with no adventures no life of her own except through her children. I was determined to lose the interest of this boy-man no matter what it took.

                      My father had been pushing me to marry for nearly four years. I had no one that suited my fancy, the boys where just that boys. I wanted a man who knew how to have fun and have a blast and could make me smile and make me happy.  This was going to be a long few months for me. I had reached the part of my life where I was restless. My family had not wanted their first child to be a girl. I felt unloved and always was I the one who tried to please my family. So in order to starve them out and make them let me have my own life I went out in public with this boy-man.

                      I noticed that on our horseback riding trips in the park that he was always looking around seeming as if someone else was watching us other than the people that I could see. Jealousy is a bad evil when it comes to men and women. I think I would have been alright if I had never agreed to go with this boy-man. Balls and parties were dull yet the dresses I wore made me feel like a queen. This boy-man never got to fill my dance card at any of the dances we went to it was improper to do so and not be engaged. My cousins and younger brother had the first dance always and the last. This was fine by me because I had no intention of marrying the fool who could not strike a conversation up with me. I had a brain and I knew how to use it.

                      On such an event I noticed someone I had never seen before. His skin was paler than that of the others around. He held an alluring air about him but it felt dangerous to seek his affections. So I being the young lady that I am wanted that danger. I walked up near this tall handsome man and curtsied. “How do you do Sir?” He just looked at me his deep golden eyes held mine I had never seen eyes this color before they transfixed me. “Young lady, you should be dancing with the young boy you always dance with at these events. He seems more your type don’t you think?” I just nodded and ran off to the gardens tears in my eyes not understanding what made me even go over to that man. I ran into the boy-man then with another young maiden. They were kissing and all I could think to say was “Well this is why it’d never be because I do not love you and you cannot be true.” He just looked up and smirked and went back to what he was doing so I went further into the gardens the maze was close. Slipping into the maze was something of a challenge for that night I had a deep purple ball gown on that made it hard to breathe. I told my mother they were trying to kill me with these contraptions but they just laughed and sent me on my way.

                      Getting to the middle of the maze was rather tougher than when I was in my normal attire and could breathe easier than I could at this point in time. Jerking on the corset that was tight on my body I loosened it to where I was able to take deeper breaths comfortably. This caused no problems until I heard a voice “Do you not think that is improper for a young lady such as yourself?” I turned and looked up into the deep golden eyes I had seen just moments before and gulped softly before replying “I don’t care if it is improper I want to be able to breathe not suffocate under all this hot fabric. Men think it is easy to go riding or to balls in this stuff for us it is not so easy. Now if you’ll excuse me I should be getting back to the party.” Turning I didn’t even see his hand grab mine and pull me hard up against his body struggling to get free I felt his breath on my neck so cold yet it thrilled me. He let me go and upon release I just stood there. He lifted my hand to his lips and kissed it so electrifying to me.

                      “You my dear have held my eye for nearly five years. It is time to claim you as mine will you do me the honors of becoming my bride this night?” I froze as this was the first time I ever saw him in my life I whispered so softly “I have only just met you. If you want my hand you must ask my father if he gives his permission then I shall marry you.” He presses his lips to my knuckles once again and simply replies “I will have you no matter his answer be prepared to be mine, little one.” He disappears through the maze and I soon follow all I want is to get home to see if that is where he will be. Getting to my parents’ home was a very long ride back my brother not wishing to leave so my cousin had to leave with me instead. He knew the person that I had stepped up to and whispered softly in my ear “He will treat you like the woman you wish to be. You will have everything that you ever need or want but it has a price my dearest cousin. I love you and this life of the night for me suits me just fine but I doubt it will for you.” I stare up at him only asking him what he means and he just tells me that I must be prepared for a lot of changes. Upon arrival I notice a black horse tied up by the reins and just smile as the horse is the one my cousin owns and sometimes rides to the house at night when he visits. Stepping out of the carriage with the help of my cousin I find my father coming out and taking me roughly by the arm yelling “How could you snub the richest man in the country for a rake who has all but ruined you already!!” My cousin grips his arm roughly and forces him away from me and glares ready for a fight I try to dodge the two but my mother is blocking my way. I loathe them yet I have no wish to watch this fight. Hearing my cousin speaking is refreshing “You ever lay a hand on her again and you will not just have him to deal with you will have me as well. He loves her has for five years! He has come to you since she was 15 years of age for her hand and you have refused. He has been faithful to her and her alone these last five years. Yet you still have said no. She would be more than loved she would be worshiped and held dear for the rest of their lives.” Amazed that my cousin would buck up to my father I just stare at them for the longest time until I am placed back into the carriage and taken to a place I have never been before.

                      Deep into the forests we went until we got to another carriage and stopped. I was so scared of what was going on I had never ran away from my family before no matter how many times I had thought about it. The man that had asked for my hand got out of that deep blue carriage and swung me up into his arms crushing me tight to his body.

 This isn't exactly the end it's just where I had stopped months ago. It's dark and I know it and some how it really just seems to fit into a very deep part of my mind. Dark and not as sweet as many think I am. I can be sweet but, the darker side of me just comes out and this was one of the things I started writing when I was in a darker mood. Don't know maybe it'll turn a bit lighter in the end who knows. I'll see how it'll go sooner or later.

Was thinking and I don't know you tell me please!

  I was messing around on Uberprints.com because (Thanks to VeeVee) I wanted to see some of my ideas in picture form. I'm going to think of a few things that are going to become T-Shirts and I know one thing that I really want to see. ~Naughty Grin~ Wait what I wasn't doing anything I swear! ~Laughs~ Lord I am such a perv!

This is front and back of three designs. I know I'm weird I'm sorry about that! Wait no I'm not if I wasn't weird silly and sweet yall wouldn't be looking at these in the first place! Wait then again I am the one posting it up on my blog hehe maybe it is my fault that your seeing what I was thinking of. Hmm perhaps.

Love, Sex, & Time (Story Blurb)

  Heather Victorian "Vic" Black is a twenty-seven year old bi-gender woman. She desperately wants to find the one man who will love her for everything she is. Both as a woman and also as a gay man. She has undergone the start process of becoming the person she wishes to be Heath Victor "Vic" Black. Although it is a long process she soon meets Dallas Jordan "Dally" Henderson. This man has caught her heart and makes her wish for something a little longer lasting. Is it forever? Can Dally get past what she is now to get to the future? Or will he turn away from her when she truly needs him in her life? Only time will tell and it seems that everything is coming along slowly. Time is apart of the waiting and sex is something that is good. Love is something Heather has always wanted does this mean she just might finally get it? Only time will tell if she will. Love.Sex, & Time. Which one wins out in the end?

I would love to thank V. Vee for having the sweetness that she does. I love you dearly Love Bug. I want to dedicate this story to you. I know the road to love is not always easy. I know that everything may seem like it's happening so fast. Just remember this my dear Big Sis. That no matter where you are what you do I'll always be here for you. Everyone needs someone to love them and I think for sure you are well on your way to finding the happiness the love and the sexual pleasure that you have always desired or wanted. So this story is for you and I am starting to have the courage to become someone that I wish to be.

Dance With Me?

 I am glad that I have the support from some friends I thought about doing this a long time ago and then I realized that everything has become so different and so much more real for me. I love the people that support me and I try to support them. This was something that I wrote for my Partners. The one thing that I really want to do with them before anything physically sexual is to dance. I love to dance and I love them and I can't wait to dance with them. This is also something of what we've had struggled with as well. I was so damn scared of losing My Sweetheart (But, this poem is true for all of them.) due to our constant fighting a few months ago. I love all of my partners and I am scared every day but, I am overcoming all those fears and turning it into something that pushes me to my goals.

 

Dance with me

Will you dance with me?
Upon the moonlit sky
Upon a bright day's
Will you dance with me?
Upon a day that is dreary day
Upon a rainy day that seems never to end
Will you dance with me?
Upon the night of our marriage
Upon the nights that we both can not sleep
Will you dance with me my loving Sweetheart even if we are fighting with one another?
We have so many more dances to come
I will always look forward to our dances my love no matter what happens
So dance with me in the pouring rain or dance with me in the sunshine
Where ever you wish to dance my love I will follow

Alright I'm Back (No I didn't go anywhere)

  So since I was gone for nearly two days I'll inform people as to why. I am so embarrassed about this because it happened and I should have known that it was about to happen. The electric company shut our electric off yesterday very early in the morning. Seems they had not been paying the bill they were waiting for financial aid to come back which it did today so of course I am BACK. Also trying harder to find a job. (Although it'll go to my parents for bills even if I do get a job. Ah Well.)

A Person (Poem)

I wrote this back in High school never really thought much about how it would mean a lot to me as I grew older. But it really spoke everything I felt back in school. Even how I feel even today at times. Most people think that you get over what has happened. Others know it still can rock you to your core. Even more others understand that it is there and helps you grow into a better person.

 A Person

Our life begins and ends so quickly

At first it seems dull but then you look back

To a time of talking and smack

Always seems to be quick

Never saying what you need to

Always saying the wrong things

Also in a way you need to be yourself

A person who is so different than others

A person trying to cover up themselves

A person who hides behind so many masks

A person who seems to be like you but it’s not you

A person who tries to be someone else’s slave

A person who hides behind others so no other person can see them

A person who loves one self a little more than others

A person who has so little

A person who wants so much

A person who is there for her friends

A person who is there also for her family

A person who cares so much should be herself and not try to be someone else

A person who cares so much for a lot of other people

She never wants anything in return

So why don’t you just accept that she has a heart of gold sometimes

She accepts that you can’t say anything to her for being nice but thank you

Then she realizes that it’s not her who’s hiding from herself it is the people she is nice to

Inspired by: all people in  NUHS

New Way to Live

So this was my firs attempt at writing in a long long time and I didn't know what to think it's just thoughts and feelings and what I want to become and what I am slowly becoming I guess. I am not a normal writer I guess HELL who knows. I still Haven't figured out what to really call my writing other than musing or muses. So this really has become something that I have been afraid to put up on the blog I didn't know if anyone would wish to read it let alone think on it. I was nervous as hell and then I remember that My Big Sis VeeVee (Love Bug) was just as nervous if not more so to get her books published! So now I am going to post some of my stuff here for everyone to see and please comment or not I don't know do what you want. Just don't down me on it that's all I ask.

 New Way To Live

Waking up to a new day you find all the colors are gone all the pretty little lies that you wanted to believe are gone. Nothing is the same nothing. You find yourself in the place that you never wanted to be. You’re hurting without even struggling to survive. Yet that’s what is wrong with you. You have to struggle to survive on your own. Hungry, wet and tired you walk this road alone until you find work for yourself. A place where you can call home and a place where you can finally love the ones you have been waiting for all your life. With your head held high you find a new way to live, a new way to survive and a new way to see things.

                Nobody knows that the pain you feel is less now than when you were younger. It seems like it is still the same amount in your eyes and theirs. You remember the nights you cried yourself to sleep over what your family had done to you. Yet nothing is the same now as it was then. You found a new way to hold yourself up. Your fears are starting to melt away into the happiness you always sought to find. How else can you become the young woman you must in order to have everything you want or need.

                Everyone seems to be against you, but that is just in your mind. Your loves want you to better yourself because they know you are not happy with the way you have been. You seem to become me resentful of what they already have rather than what you can have with them. This makes you into the bitch that you are. This is what you show them on a daily bases. Nobody would wish to be around someone like that. Not that you can see and you know that it is not meant for you to act in this way to people.

                Being the person you are when your blood family isn’t around you find as a struggle. It’s not like you to find a balance with your real self and the person you are when you’re around them. Constant bitching about stupid things you try so hard to tune it all out. You just want to be where you know you can be happy. The thought is the only thing that keeps you strong. That keeps you from curling up into that little ball you know so well. You don’t back down from the bullshit that goes on around you any longer.

                Families are not supposed to treat you like this. They are supposed to treat you like a person like you are a human being not as if you are something disgusting. It hurts to even think that you could become like that. Yet you are starting to do exactly that without meaning to. You have that fear that you aren’t good enough not to become the very thing you fear. It’s like going through the fire and coming out with the burns but still going back for more.

                What makes a person start to really look at their life? Well let me tell you it isn’t being told to take a good hard look because that just makes the person madder than hell. It takes real guts to take a peek at their life and see the wrong they have done and the wrong that has been done to them. Once they take that look what they do with the information is up to that very person. They can let the bad rule their life or they can let the good shape them into a better person for that is truly what makes it golden.

                So many people let the bad choke them until it all that they have left to hold onto. It’s not that hard to do when you get to thinking about the bad and never the good in life. It happens so slowly yet so fast that you have less than a second to stop the process before it engulfs your whole world and life. People fear so much of the darkness that they can never embrace the light that is there. There is always a light at the end of a very long dark tunnel. Can I say it is easy getting there no because I have yet to make it to the very end of the tunnel of that darkness I have in my own life.

                I can say that my loves are behind me a hundred percent for my changing into the woman I should be. Can they handle that road once it is started is my only fear that I can’t bring myself to let my thoughts drift to so often. It is so scary to picture that darkness and then the light gods when you think about it my logic has flaws. Yet some have a logic that is flawless.

                All I want for myself and all I need to try to be the person I was meant to become. This is my only wish for my life. I wish for all the happiness not only for myself but for my loves. I hope and pray that I will have children with the men I love and that we can make it through life without fighting over petty bullshit. I want to know that they are happy with everything that happens. I want to know that we won’t regret our lives together.

                Can I tell myself that it will all work out for the good? I can but will it is the biggest question in life. If you worry about it then it won’t turn out exactly right. Yet, if you stop worrying about it all the time it will turn out better than you could have imagined. These little things in life don’t add up to the biggest things you’ll ever do in life. They are just small little things that keep you on your way to the bigger things in life.

                I have always thought that the biggest thing in my life would be becoming a mother. I fear becoming like my mother and with that fear becomes depression and sadness. I fear the one thing I know I will never become with the men I love. They would never allow me to shift from the abused to the abuser of a child. With that fear there becomes understanding of me for my mind’s eye. I am the oldest child from an abusers family. I have made it to the point where I know for a fact that I will be alright. Yet, I want to become better that alright. I want to become to the point where my past no longer suffocates me under its weight. I want the fears to melt away and become a thing of the past. I will better myself for the future. Where I will not become the abuser but stay the abused forever. Yet, that past will melt away into understanding and transform me into the person I should have been when I was seventeen.

                Fears can crush you or they can make you. What you do with your fears is up to you. No one else can tell you to get rid of the fears. No one else can tell you that they haven’t had to get rid of fears themselves. Yet, there are many people in this world who have had fears and become so much better than those fears that it makes it seem that they had no fear at all. Surpassing the fear would have been their biggest feat. My biggest trail and feat will be surpassing all my fears one at a time until I myself am alright with everything in my life.

                People have asked me “Do you think it is okay to be with so many men? Do you think god would approve of such a relationship?” Well I cannot say what God Almighty would or does approve of and neither can they. So while I’m not thinking about that let’s put it like this. If God Almighty didn’t want me to love so many people in my life or fall in love with this many people in my young life. Then he would not allow it. He made us different for a reason. I believe in God Almighty, The Holy Spirit, and Jesus Christ, but there is only one whom can ever judge me and that is God. These questions have become so normal to hear that it doesn’t faze me anymore. I just look at them and say “What right do you have to judge me? What will be shall be and what is not to be shall never be. God will chose if he wants me in his kingdom, but you are not god so therefore have no rights to pass judgment upon me.” Then I just get up and walk away from them leaving them in a jaw dropped state that makes me smile.

                I don’t like getting the bible thumped at me. That is a pet peeve of mine always has been probably always shall be. Getting preached at is the same thing as getting the bible thumped at you. Makes me feel like the person is judging me just because they do not like how I am. I find that the more that I am different the more times I find myself judged. Today people are so worried about what others do that they don’t take a good hard look at themselves.

                So many things have started happening in my life not only do I have a wonderful adopted family, but I have become something of a writer of a blog that is about my life, about my feelings, just about me in general. I thought that no one would read it let alone comment on it. I have so many things that have become just something I do but this, this isn’t just something I am doing just to be doing it.

                I have always wanted to become a writer ever since I was a little girl and nothing seemed good enough to be called a story to me. Then I realized everything has meaning to someone and maybe just maybe what I write could be called something. I have gone through so much in my young life but, nothing is wrong with that. Nothing is wrong with that at all. Sometimes I wonder if I am good enough. Then I remember that I am supposed to be just me. A person, A woman, A lover, A friend and that is when I start wanting to ball my eyes out. I am becoming everything I want to be. It’s just taking a little time.

                I’m not a little girl anymore, but I do still have dreams of becoming a writer. Big dreams of having someone like or love my work. Sometimes I think “Oh Hell this is never going to work!” Then I start beating myself up over it and saying. “You can stop being so damn negative.” So maybe something I write will be considered something!