Monday Madness & Fun

  So Halloween jeez were has the time gone? I'll tell you were it's around and around and flies by. Can't wait until March and can't wait for things to get on up to where they need to be. I am so ready to get things started.

  So Monday Madness...Should tell you all I'm moving to the place about 100 feet away from my parents with my friend. She needs a place to stay and wants to get everything done. We spent the day cleaning it up. (I never want to see a single item of clothing that isn't mine or my partners AGAIN! I think we've at least bagged 10 to 15 bags of clothes out of the front room and other places as well. It sucks big time. You know what sucks even more. We are STILL not done! Talk about annoying and damn bad cleaning up someone elses mess is a pain but I've been doing it.

  The fun part about this day was getting to go out in decent weather and have a long talk with my soon to be roommate about everything going on. We're tired of living under my parents rooftop. Honestly, I'm tired of the state of Kentucky but, I can't do anything without Money nor can I move to Tennessee without it. I'm trying to get everything set up and done up so I will see. So far job hunting has turned up three jobs that I may be able to do. Let us hope and pray. I have my fingers crossed. Believe it or not I am NOT stressed out. I'm happier doing things that I never liked doing before. (Inside cleaning is my major weakness when it comes to cleaning BUT I love to cook! I'm weird I know it LOL.)

  I'm going to get going I need to finish the chilli I've got on the stove cooking away. Gods I need some Peanut butter! (Yummy for me is peanut butter and chilli HELL YEAHS!)

Running Around

  So most might notice that my posts are starting to look like I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I've had a stressful week and I'm trying to wind down from all that. I took one day off this week and it was alright for a while. I did get slapped though and my jaw is still sore on the other side of my face but, I'm not to worried about it because I know it'll be okay in another day or so.

  Anyways, reason I am away so much right now is for two reasons. One is trying to find a job and earn some cash flow and the second would be trying to relax. (Haha like anyone could relax in a place like this!) I am relaxing a little bit even if it's not as relaxed as I wish to be. I'm still trying to find a job but, hoping that everything will work out in due time. I just feeling like it's been going way to slow. I never thought I'd be out of work in less then a year's time and even then I mean I wasn't supposed to be out of work this year. But, that's nither here nor there either. I might be whining a tad bit about the whole job thing BUT, it's my blog I can whine if I want to right? I can bitch as much as I want to? I think anyways LOL.

  So recap of the week would be everything is going okay. I'm worried about the baby my sister is about to have. (Even though she treats me badly I still worry. It's like kicking a dog I think!) I've had some good days and some bad but, it's nothing out of my normal day. Hoping that the weekend (It's early in the morning here 3 AM to be on point.) will be A-okay and stress and worry free. (Except for my sister's baby coming this weekend ~Crosses fingers~ She is getting so damn annoying with her own whining that it's starting to make me whine! I mean dance and shake the baby loose already woman!) I know I'm mean ~Sticks tongue out at everyone~ Can't help it. I'm a tad bit insane. (You would be to if you had to put up with all the shit I go through on a daily bases.) I'm going to close for the night errr day err morning AH HELL whatever I'm just going to close this post for the time being and perhaps post something else tomorrow. Nighty night folks (GOOD MORNING!!)

Hellish Thursday

I've been trying to calm down from everything. Everyone has heard about my father and the issues surrounded by him. I'm in such a state of stress that I need to take a little time to think more than I have been and perhaps find a way to get a job before going to Tennessee. Everyone knows that is where my heart is and I'm not going to post what happened because it wasn't just towards me and I know I have someone who cares that lives with me but, it's not enough anymore. I'm tired and I am drained. Trying to stay as calm as possible but, sometimes that is not as easy as I would like. So I know most don't know that I've checked out a few places for rent and for sale just in case I made the trip. I am also looking into some jobs that are around there and I'm finding that Americorps might just be the best option for me. So far I'm not finding to much out on that end and perhaps I need to search a bit longer and make sure everything goes smoothly. I'm going to get going and search through the listings once more and see what all there is out there.

Thanking a Big Brother

I'm going to say this before thanking someone for this. I don't know how in the hell I found the strength the last weekend past to stop from cutting my wrist but, I did. Then I read Ivan's blog posts about his own struggles and I was like. He's so much older than I am and yet he's made it through so much more than I have been through. So thank you Iv, for posting your life up on your blog. It's really helped and so has the things from Milo and Cass and Issac. It's made me smile made me cry but, most of all it's saved my life.

   Iv, you and Milo are a packaged deal and here is what I want to say to that. I gladly accept that as truth and accept the deal because you both are amazing men. (Even when Milo is a grumpy ole puss.) I need all the big brothers and big sisters I can get and I have a good deal few big brothers and a couple big sisters. I also have a couple little brothers and sisters that I have adopted. I'm very very blessed to find people who understand and don't judge me.

Heart to Heart

  Now I'm not sure if most will understand this or not. Heart to Heart isn't about having a Heart to Heart with myself but, more of getting some things straight and putting it bluntly.

  I know for a fact my blood family hates me and doesn't accept me. They never will understand the love I have for my adopted family. Never understand why I truly love more than one man & Love the thought and need for a woman. They have never truly accepted me as their not so perfect Little girl or Big Sister. I don't understand why it is so hard to accept certain things about me.

  I have been thinking of killing myself since I was ten years old. It isn't something I normally talk about nor do I have a fondness to talk about it now honestly. But, I think people should understand this side of me just a little small bit.

  When I was ten years old I was touched by a family friend. I wrote about it once before of how it happened and why I never reported it. A couple months after this happened just before I turned 11 years of age I went out onto the rooftop from my bedroom window and looked down at the ground. I may not have jumped but, it was tempting to do so. As much as I have done to myself over the years I don't think I've ever truly let go of the past and I don't think I truly know how to let it go.

  I have taken pills, cut on myself, drank alcohol, smoked weed, thought about jumping from my bedroom window, thought about slitting my wrists, thought about taking a bottle of pills and never waking up again. All because of my past and the hurt it causes me still to this very day. I'm not perfect and I will never be perfect. The things I have thought about in my young life has caused harm to my partners to my adopted family. (Of three years nearing four now.) I have done a few things I am not so proud of. Perhaps it was pride and ego for some of the things. At times I am very insecure about my looks about my beauty about my worth to my partners that I have today. I double guess them and ask them things that get them fed up with me. Sometimes I think that they get so fed up they may leave and that scares me A LOT.

  I know most people will not understand my cutting and I'm going to tell how it first started, why I snapped my resolve of not giving into the dark thought of cutting, & why I finally did stop. I was 16 just came out to my parents not to long before this happened. I didn't do something that my father had told me to do I'm not sure exactly what it really was even to this day I can't remember what I was told to do that I didn't do. My mother came home to find every dish on the floor, paper, pots, pans, plates, cups, everything that was in the kitchen was on the floor either all in one piece or busted. My father had gotten so pissed off at everything that he had tossed everything from the table and deep freezer off onto the floor. He left in the car no sooner than my mother got back. At that time my room was downstairs where the computers for my schooling were at. My mother tossed a broken plate at me and I felt like I was to blame for everything and anything! I wasn't exactly thinking that first time I cut I saw my hand and arm had two cuts on it and I just thought "I want the pain to go away. I want to stop feeling like everything is my fault. I want to stop feeling like I'm not loved. I want my pain to be gone for a while."

  You know something the thoughts didn't exactly process until after I had cut into myself sixteen times into my arm and hand. I did this quite a few times with myself I did my age and thought I was a mistake to my parents. (I wasn't rational! Sometimes I am still not rational. Sometimes I think of cutting still.) I remember when I first woke up with the first set of cuts I ever gave myself. It hurt and I don't mean a dull pain that goes away when you ignore it long enough. They had already gotten infected because I didn't clean them. I didn't bother to think about cleaning them. I put on a long sleeved shirt and went to bed that night.

  I have never done well with pain until I started cutting into my left arm. It's never been anything other then my left arm and hand when I was cutting. Perhaps I should explain. I thought that the left side was the bad side and my right side was the good side. Does that make sense to you? I also thought that bleeding and the blood spilled was cleaning my "bad blood". I was so entirely wrong. I don't have "bad blood" I have a pure heart and soul just I am damaged by my past pains and past hurts and just my past. No one can truly understand me until they get to know me. When they do I get a bit clingy I guess but I love hard and love to the fullest possible.

  Again I am not perfect and I won't pretend to be. I have problems that run deeper than just the present it's the past that affects me and it has affected me in some bad ways and then also in some good ways. I know that the pain I have from my parents hitting me and also the pain of that family friend touching me is going to be apart of my past forever. I just have to come to terms with that and MOVE ON.

  I'm going to talk a little bit more about my family. I have one older sister that is a half-sister she's a real bitch to get along with. Hates all of us kids that isn't her full brothers and sisters. She talks about us like we're dogs and I've heard her when she talks about me. Now if she wants to talk shit about me that's her business and mine BUT, you want to talk shit and then your all nice up in my face. No I don't think so that doesn't fly with me. I've cut ties with her for that reason. She still talks trash about me but, that is fine I know who I am, what I am, and how I'll always be. If she's talking about me she's going to leave other people alone.

   My year or so younger sister that is with child. Lord, she has told me one to many times that she hates me. She used the baby she is carrying against me and she knows I mean truly KNOWS that I will bend to her will if it means I can see my lil niece when she is born. Well, no fucking more. I'm not going to pretend to be her bitch ass maid or slave just so I can see my lil niece and hold her. No I'm done trying to be nice to my sister just for that sake. Everything has gotten to the point I'm tired of hearing her hatred towards me I am so sick and tired of the baby being used against me. I am so tired of being told it's the pregnancy. FUCK THAT! A woman who knows what hurts people and has as big a mood swing as to tell your older sister that you won't be able to hold or see the baby if.....yadda yadda fucking yadda yadda. She's used that so much that the words don't even matter anymore. Now that rant is over.

  My younger brother that is 18 is someone that truly has hurt me deep and I am always praying will change his views. Sorry this may make people say WTF?!? My brother is one of the biggest BIGGEST homophobes I know. He doesn't like the fact I have gay friends or lesbian friends or well any friends from the BLGT community. He isn't someone I want my friends to ever have to deal with. I would never forgive myself if my brother tried to hurt one of my friends or adopted family. (Believe me he's already said things about my partners and I told him that he was wrong as hell.) My brother has hit me countless times and yes some of those times I believe I deserved it. I've slapped him for calling me a whore twice in my life and slapped him another four times for calling me a "Fag" lover. I hate those words with a passion and I always will. Other times he's said things and I've just let it slide and I ended up being hit for it. I've got a temper and I know it. Sometimes I'll do more than slap and when I see my own blood drawn by someone else I lose it completely. I'm not going to say much more than that I'm again not prefect and I do have a bad temper and I've changed a lot in the last couple years. I'm a better person now then what I was before.

  My littlest sister is only 12 and she is spoiled rotten. I love her dearly and she's never hurt me. She's sweet as candy until to eat to much candy that is then your sick. She's a lot like candy and she has a bite to her. She is one of the smallest of us in weight wise. She's lucky I mean really lucky that she is so thin. She eats what she wants and it goes to her ASS. I swear I want to have her little bubble butt LOL. She's amazing honestly and she does know about me being bisexual and she just says that I understand but, I'm not like you and Sis. I don't mind that my youngest sister is straight and I told her this. I told her if you weren't born this way then why would you wish to be something you are not? I hope she grows up to be happy and whole and I pray each night that she'll never cut on herself or drink or get hurt or do drugs or pills. This is my wish for her...for her to always be happy.

  My youngest brother is 7 years old and he's a little devil at times but I do love him. He's always been a hyper active child and I was there through the night and day he was born it my mother was about three weeks late from her due date and they were going to induce her labor. When they did it was back labor from then on. Yes I was young and I was proud to watch my baby brother come into this world. You see loving my two youngest siblings has been the best damn thing in my life other than my adopted family and my partners. I'm young yet, with a whole lot of living to do. I'm going to live my life to the fullest because I have something wonderful in my life.

  My mother and father have hurt me for years and honestly they don't deserve the time to even mention them but let's get this straight and not crooked. I tried for years to love my mother and father regardless of all the pain and hurt that there is between us. I've been slapped, kicked, punched, & many other things that involve having bruises and cuts and scrapes. I've had one set of stitches because of my mother. I'll write about that incident at one point but, right now no I'm not going to. I've had a lot of things that hurt me but, I'm stronger truly stronger then all the bullshit that has happened to me.

Rocking Purple

  So I told Matt & Brad that I would wear my purple lacy panties for spirit day. So I am and gods does it feel weird to be wearing these panties again. I bought them for my partners because they think that lace & silk are my thing. (They have no idea!) I've been trying to figure out how in the world I will rock purple next year though. I want to get something that is silky and purple for next year I do know that.

  Everyone tells me I look good in bright colors. (I like dark colors but, I'll wear lighter colors as long as it's not so bright I blind someone with it!) I mean sometimes I feel like I shame my family by wearing dark colors and other times it's like I feel I shame them by wearing bright colors. I try to me just me.


  I was looking at the jacket that I have and I was like who in the hell is Misty Harbor?? Anyone know? Honestly I don't even remember where I got the jacket from I've had it for a few years. It finally fits the way it's supposed to fit I don't like to zip up my jackets but it is nice to know that I can!! I've been trying to find a lot of things out and I can't seem to get my mind wrapped around anything that I want to get in clothing wise.

  I've been trying to earn a bit for clothing, bills, moving, fund for charity, & GRL for next year! So you see I'm going to be a busy girl once I start to earn everything I need for everything I want. So you see that moving fund is the top most one I need other than clothing. (I've got hardly any clothing to my name due to some BS with my sister that is with child. So yes I am having a bit of trouble with that at this point in time.) I'm thinking about moving at the end of March of next year. Keeping my fingers crossed!) Let us hope and pray that my income tax return for this year is decent and that I won't have to tap into any of the other money that I've saved up for the move before then! It's not as easy as I thought it would be not with having to help out my parents every month. (That's just who I am not going to let the two youngest of my siblings freeze their asses off for my parents stupidity of not saving back enough for the winter months!)

Anyways purple yes purple is being rocked and I've vented a lot in this post that was supposed to be just about spirit day BUT I got off track very sorry about that had a lot on my mind there and couldn't seem to stop the thought process. Next year can't get here fast enough. Nither can my birthday! 21st birthday isn't going to be a drinking party though I gave up drinking for a long long time. Yet, perhaps when I know I can handle it I might allow myself one or two drinks. (Maybe!) Yikes doing it again I'll talk to yall laters I swear!

Mores & Missed friendship

  Sometimes people don't know the outcome of missed friendships in their lives. Other times it comes back to hit them in the face.


  Tonight reading a dear friends blog I found that I should have made an effort to speak to Mores. He had wit and spirit so much bigger than the sun and moon and stars. My heart goes out to Thorny & Jazz && their families as they deal with this sad hard time. I never spoke to Mores but, T gave me an insight to wanting to know and talk to him. Didn't jump on the chance perhaps I should have but, that goes without saying.


  Thorny, Jazz, I love you both dearly your family to me stay strong and hold each other close. Live each day like it is your last because nothing is set in stone. Stay strong & be happy celebrate Mores's life and smile for him each day. Send him home to Heaven with your tears but, smile as you do so because he was special to his friends and family.


  Sending you all the love and prayers I can Thorny & Jazz. Remember the happy times my dears and stay as strong as you can.

My laptop PROBLEMS

  There has been so much to do and so little time to get it done and I can't figure out if it's because I feel crazy or what. So a couple days ago my laptop screen busted. I picked it up like I always do. Hand on the bottom and fingers lightly touching the back of the screen or fingers at the top...Two inches below my fingers the screen just cracks. I mean damn it's only been six months or less that I have had this laptop and what happens.

  It was after everything happened with my sister that day. She may be VERY pregnant and getting closer to her due date but, that doesn't give her the right to strip me bare of my calm cool and collected thoughts. I try to joke with her and get flipped off. I joke with her when a friend does and she tells me FUCK YOU. I don't understand that BS. but, when she found out that the laptop screen had busted she told me it was Karma and that I'd learn to not fuck with her.

  I don't know where she gets off telling me it's karma that took it out on me. Yet, she thinks that it gets to me that I can't get online as much as I have been doing. Well a good friend let's me borrow her laptop and you know what she let's me earn the money I need to online from textbroker. You see writing articles is how I've been earning money for the last four to five months something like that. I've been doing good and my goal is to get up to enough to purchase a new TOSHIBA. I loved the one that the screen busted this past weekend and intend to get it fixed after getting a new one.

  It means a lot to me to get this one fixed though. Everything I hold dear with my writing and stories and everything is on it. Thank gods the memory sticks I have have some of my poems on it and the pictures of my adopted boy as well. Just the one adopted boy but, still it's special to me. I've been racking my brains out all day trying to figure out how I'm going to get everything done up.

  Everything has been doing well other than the laptop and my sister's bullshit. I'm so close to snapping and telling her that it doesn't matter what she says I'll always be myself. If she can't accept me now what makes me think she'll accept me when I'm not in her life every single day.

  Family means everything to me. My partners are supportive of what I want in life. Why in the hell can't she be? She never wanted me with some of the partners I am with and she never wants to share the joy of the fact I am IN love. Can I tell myself that all will be alright? Yes it'll be okay in the end but, right now it's not okay. It won't be okay until I'm away from her and happy. It's time to think of all the things that I have to deal with.

Okay ranting this much has got to be okay I mean I'm not feeling like I was and I'm not going to feel like that again. Unless my sister wants to say things to me again and act like she's Queen of the Lands or some such BS. She isn't any better than I am and I am no better than her BUT, when this stuff happens it tears me apart and gets me into a ranting and raving mood and I don't want to take it out on my partners. They don't deserve that at all. They don't deserve to have me take out my frustrations onto them. I've been trying to stop doing that kind of stuff and now I am going to start doing it more than anything else. I AM TIRED OF FEELING like I have to hurt just because others think I don't have FEELINGS.

  I have feelings that get hurt easily. I'm not one to show to much to people up front. I cry at night where no one sees the tears. I try to keep from anyone seeing that it hurts to be here where I am. Each and every night I smile though because I get to talk to my partners in some way shape or form. There are so many things that I've said and done and yet they still love me. Still want me. I HOPE & PRAY it's always like that. I can't seem to get enough out of my system at this moment in time. I can talk until I am blue in the face to some people but, that will never help if they won't take or make the effort to listen to what I am really saying.

Coming out (For me)

So I am finding more and more stories about men and women who have come out to friends and family. Both good reactions and bad reactions.

    I knew myself I was different when I was younger but, honestly I didn't fully know until I kissed my first girl when I was 16. I have had to many bad things going on the year before that when I finally came out it was insane.

   Let me back track for a moment. Middle school I was always teased and picked on for being different in the sense I didn't have brand name clothing and my hair and everything they could find. It continued on into high school. I made one of the worst mistakes of my life soon after I turned 15. I left my normal high school for an online one. I struggled to get past the papers and the work they wanted done online with no teacher there to help explain I was stuck doing it alone and getting redo after redo. I hated it.

   I can honestly say that the following year or so was amazingly different. I was 16 getting ready for Halloween. Big home coming game for my old high school. I went to it because I still loved football. I enjoyed watching both the males on the field and the cheerleaders that cheered on our home team. ~Sighs softly at the memories~ My best friend was a cheerleader and I thought she was to die for. She was done for the evening cheering so she and I walked out to her car to talk. Her boyfriend and ex boyfriend had followed us. I told them to go away. I hadn't talked to my friend in nearly six months...I wanted some time to just talk with her.

   My friend and I had been so tired of males and it was weird she asked if I was into girls. I hyperventilated I didn't know how to tell her the answer. So my first kiss with her was really on a dare from the boyfriend and ex. But, we didn't blasted care if the boys got turned on or not. We enjoyed the kiss and once we had finished I told her that yes I liked girls as well as guys. I also told her I wanted and needed to walk and talk with her around the track on our side of the field and we did. (I told the boys if they followed us I'd punch them both in the mouth and they'd remember as to way I didn't care for either one of them. They were in part both assholes and only wanted sex with my best friend. So yes they pissed me off.)

   I told my parents that night that I was bisexual as well but they laughed it off as if I hadn't said it. Well after I turned 17 I told my parents again that I was indeed bisexual. I wasn't to polite about it though. I do believe my words were along these lines. "Mother, Father, I am bisexual I love the thought of pussy and cock. I also love the fact that a woman knows just what another woman wants and needs at times where a man does not. I want to fuck both a man and a woman and whatever you think you can fuck off." Then I walked on to my room and started working on my school work their jaws wide open I yelled into the kitchen and told them to close their mouths before the flies started going down their throats. I was tired of denying myself and denying what I wanted. I started dating two men soon after coming out as I did and that was after I had lost my grandpa Lester.

  My mother still to this day thinks I am going to settle down with just one man. I hate to break it to people but, I won't settle down with just one single man. That is not me. I won't settle down with one woman either. I have partners.You see my mother and father still haven't gotten that into their heads. That's okay Ii only stay civil with them because they are blood. No other reason. What love there was for them as my parents has been gone for some time now. (Sorry as I may feel for that. I've tried to settle things between us they just won't accept me fully. Because of me wanting all my partners The fact that I am not their PERFECT daughter the straight one. ~Rolls her eyes~ I'm not straight I never have been. I have always looked at both men and women. So tough luck and to bad to them. Accept me or no.)

  I am now 20 years old will be 21  February. It does get better as you go on. It is for me I just have to keep reminding myself that not everyone is as narrow minded as my family and some of the others I have had to tell. It just still scares me. I am Bisexual and damn proud of that fact. I have partners that love me and wouldn't have me any other way but, myself. I still have normal every day problems as everyone else in the world does. That only means that I am living my life to the fullest possible and working through problems and life one day at a time.

  I am not in the least sorry for writing any of this. It's the truth no matter how people may see me for it. I love hard and I live harder. It gets better and it's getting better for me everyday. One step at a time.

Random Monday Lists

Alright so I'm going to start something that is different. I was up late last night thinking about the guessing game I used to play as a kid. (Yes the 1- whatever number I could think of and count too LOL!) Anyways, everyone knows I can be sweet so I thought about doing a list of things I worry about constantly but, I'm not like that so I won't I wanted so bad to find the things in my life that made me Happy though and make a list of them. So I thought about it and I know I might have listed it somewhere once before. Also some other lists to give you some ideas of what I like in a few things.

Things that make me truly happy...

1.My Partners

2. My adopted family

3. My online friends from the blogs who really know me as me

4. Talking to people who get it

5. Writing and reading

6. Painting

7. Making people smile or laugh

8. Hanging out with a dear woman who gets what I want in life (Woman is living with my parents and I so I see her everyday)

9. Being made to laugh and smile

10. Finding more things that I enjoy

Make-up I like

1. White Eyeliner (To my cowboy's dismay ~Snickers~ He'll understand when he see's my Blue-Green eyes with the touch of brown in them highlighted.)

2. Gold Lipstick (Add a touch of white coat to lighten the gold a bit and you have a golden kiss!)

3. Blue eye shadow

4. Sage eye shadow

5. White eye shadow (This is to lighten the blue and sage I use and sometimes the purple I use as well.)

6. Black Lipstick (I will not be wearing this much anymore but I still like it!)

7. Any nail polish the I can get my hands on!

8. I like that smokey effect products that they have out there

9. Teal eyeliner (The cream type love it need to get more of that and the silvery one too MHM!)

10. I like a lot of the eyeliner, eye shadows and lipsticks & Lip glosses out there....I always loved dark colors never bright but I'm trying something new and well light colors are coming into play slowly (What I won't try for people that I love and love me. LOVE IS GREAT THOUGH!)

Clothing I like on Men

1. Tight black jeans (Yummy!)

2. Pink button up shirts or T-Shirts (Think that the darker you are the darker the pink should be though!)

3. Anything that looks clean cut and nice on a man (Short list oops lol)

Things that catch my eye on a man or woman

1. Eyes

2. Ass (MHM)

3. Confidence (The way a person walks.)

Things I love about My Partners!

1. The way they understand that even when I am in a bad mood they just nod and listen to what I have to say. Venting is my worst flaw because I take it out on the person I am venting on. (I know Bad girl! Bad Kat!) Everything though works out as well.

2. The way they reassure me that I will be with them soon enough. Even when I doubt that it will be soon.

3. The way they all know when I need to hear or see the words "I love you, Kat" (I admit sometimes I get needy to know they still love me. I am scared and rightfully so due to my past.)

4. The way when I'm mad at one of them the others try to talk me down to a calm level

5. The little surprises they tend to have for me when I'm feeling down about something large for me.

6. When they make me smile and they don't really know it

7. The way they make me laugh

8. The way they try to make me feel better and gain that

9. Just all the little things they have done even though we live apart from each other (For the moment!)

10. The way I love them and they me without having to hide it. We can be honest with each other and have our feelings out there. (Even though I am hard headed and make them fight for it sometimes)

I have separate lists for my partners because they each do their own thing but, I mean I'm sure one day soon I'll put those lists up but, right now no I'll make you all wait. (I'm mean but, it gives me more to talk about later on!)

Delighted and so bothered

  ~Squeals~ I got to hear my Baby and my Cowboy tonight! ~Shivers of delight~ We've been no phone contact this whole time just My Wild Fire's songs and things and it's like OMG my baby did this for me.

  Okay so we all know that my partners and I are a long distance relationship what with me in Kentucky and they in Tennessee it's hard on all of us. MHM! My baby and I got into some deeper heavier things about the past and how I feel and yes I balled like a baby a bit. I have held in many things from my past for far to long and that scares most of my partners.

  It scares me to that I bottle it up and bottle it up until I can't take it anymore. He knows how my parents dislike anyone from my adopted family making an attempt at making me happy or making me smile. But nothing could diminish the mood I was in and still am in! I got to talk to my baby and my cowboy all in one night that was great and amazing and it made me happy because it was something new something we'd never had a chance to do until today and well. Can you tell I'm happy as hell and I think I'm bouncing in my seat still!?!?!

  I won't tell everything just that it makes me yearn more to be by their sides and they know and understand this and know that I am trying to get into a school down there so I can do everything that I need to do! Okay I need to chill out because honestly the happiness meter I have is over flowing! But, seriously tonight has been great and just well amazing and GUESS WHAT? We can do it again soon as he and the others have enough time out of their work life to talk a little more. ~Fans self~ Oi I can't help but be excited.

  Yes I am a bit overly happy I know but, if most understood how hard it is to be apart from the one or ones you love you'd get and understand that this sucks for me. I take it one day at a time and everything will fall into place with my life. Just as it will for everyone else I know. Just smile take it one day at a time and learn that praying helps and it doesn't matter who you pray to as long as you believe in something of higher power. I take what life throws out at me as smoothly as I possibly can. It's hard but, I do get through it with help from my supportive partners and my adopted family (Big Bro Vic and some other special people I know.)

  So yes I'm happy even with something so little BUT, it was so huge and meaningful to me. So much so that I wrote a letter to them all but, I am not posting that here it's for them and them only because it has a lot of very personal things in it for our eyes only. Nothing personal against anyone but, some love letters just are to personal to share out there with everyone.

Massage Therapy

  So I am interested in massage therapy. I've been looking up every school every school that has massage every school that has something else that would help me gain massage therapy. Everything seems and feel as though I am falling out of the loop. I feel that everyone is saying "Get a Career Already!" "Get a job!" Ugh, my head is spinning with everything as much as I feel like I am spinning out of control it is also me trying to figure out where to go to school at asking for a little advice.

Finding schools are easy as hell. Picking one that will work for me well not as easy as I thought. My head hurts with all the choices. Some are here in KY and I don't want those ones at all. There are a few in Tennessee as well and it's so scary to have so many to choose from and not know which one would be the perfect fit for me. I'm not even sure if I could make it through the Massage Therapy classes. I'm not sure if I'll make it past the five year life span of this job. It scares me when I know that I can mess up. Then again I could succeed and make it.

I'm rambling on about this subject but I am so nervous and also excited that I am finding schools that offer what I need in the way of schooling. My partners know what I want to do and they support me through it and understand that I am so damn scared. Sometimes I feel as though I am going insane trying to find everything out and when and how and just UGH! Support and love and caring and advice and everything keeps me on the balance beam of success. I am just running back and forth in my mind the options and the need to get away from everything and go to school and everything. Okay so I am done rambling I need to stop before I finish or well haha before I get to far ahead of my thinking that is.

I'll figure it all out perhaps. Soon I am hoping I don't know yet. Going to figure it out and think on it awhile. Who knows when at this point in time just ugh. Talk later peace out people.

10 Things That make me smile?

Okay so I was thinking about everything that makes me smile and of course I wanted to put it up here and make you smile or laugh or giggle a bit.

1. A good romance book with lots of steamy scenes in it
2. V.Vee with her wit and how she will support her friends and family for everything she is worth
3. Matt & Brad because they are just so damn loveable and are sweethearts
4. Thorny & Jazz because they always have something nice to say or something that they would love to share
5. My partners make me smile all the time even when we're having our little fights/bigger fights
6. My two youngest siblings who are just starting to figure out everything in life
7. When I draw something that I think looks worse than what others think it looks
8. My paintings that come out nothing like I imagined they would turn out
9. My poems and writings that I've worked on that I don't think are good enough to be shown to the world
10. Every little thing that I find can make me smile even when I am sad or down or putting myself down

It's not really in this order but, which ever order it'd be in it still fits into things that make me smile and I have more but, this is what I came up with and oh yeah a number eleven would be this one below

11. All the blogs I read that have something that has meaning to the person or persons in it...it's not like it's not real but the people behind it make it the best they all can