Abuse

  Are you just supposed to sit back and take the beatings? Do the memories ever go away? Do the tears stop at those memories? Do you ever just get over it and move on?

  I won't pretend to know the answers to any of my own questions because I don't know any of them. I don't even know if I'll ever get over my own abuse from the people that should have loved me no matter what. My parents they are supposed to love unconditionally right?

  What can be said that hasn't been said. I got to be stronger than what I normally am. I have to beat this and I have to get out. How am I going to do that? I am unemployed again. Making a little extra money writing articles on Textbroker. I want to be a book keeper. Yet, I have only my high school training in that. Can I do it?

What prompted this today? Well, my father did by punching me in the face and grabbing me by the hair and dragging me towards the door. How is that right? How can any man or woman for that matter hit their own child? I know I am a grown woman, but what rights do they have to hit me? Both my parents have done it before. What makes it right for another person to beat on their child?

  Am I wrong for feeling so sad and depressed about it? Am I wrong to be angry? It's gone on for nearly 11 years and still I ain't gotten out. Why do I keep taking the abuse? I guess I want them to love me like they are supposed to. Yet, I see now they never will. Maybe they never really truly did love me their child their daughter.

  I know a few things that are on my mind right now. "I need out, I need to get away, I need a life where there is no fear. I just need to live my life without abuse." Then there are other thoughts that revert to my past. "Where is my knife, Where is my razor blade, Where are the sleeping pills. I just want to die." Then I realize that is negative thinking wanting to die it's the easy way out of life and the worst thing I could ever do. So I am thinking of what I want and need. "I want a home away from the abuse. I want and need my loves by my side. I want to be with the men that love me forever. I want to go to school. I want to make something of myself. I need to make something of myself." I am somebody. I am me I am me. Always will be me. Always will be someone who wants more than an abusive family life. I want and need something more than the abuse from home. I want love and my men love me. They want me safe. Let's pray that I can get everything I truly want in my life and soon.

Cutting & The Ending

  Well many people find that life gets to them and everything has a price to pay. I know I get depressed sometimes and this is about one of the things I USED to do when depressed or sad.

  I was a cutter. Most people link that to being gothic or emo, but it is not just a problem with the gothic kids or even the emo kids. Cutting goes on for many reasons. With me it was because I felt like everything was my fault. My father getting drunk the night I first started cutting. My mother yelling all the time. My grandpa not liking my looks or my hair or anything about me. I would think so many bad thoughts while cutting that I wouldn't stop until I had the age I was in cuts.

  I was 16 when I first started cutting. It was shortly before the grandpa that accepted me died from old age. I guess it was his time to move on. He never got to see me graduate from GED classes never got to see my first day at college. It still gets to me. My first bout of cutting was 16 cuts to the left arm and hand. I was numb I was tired and I was drained and in pain. I wanted it to stop. Do I regret doing it today? Yes, I can honestly say I wish I had never started. It is like an addiction you just can't quit cold turkey. I am ashamed of the scars on my arm and hand and I quit about six maybe eight months ago fully.

  When I was still 16 I met a boy who was a year younger than me. I thought he loved me for me, but it turned out that he only wanted sex and when I wasn't willing to give it up. Well he went and cheated. Long distance relationship failure right there. Yet, honestly I don't really think about that much anymore. It ended after I turned 17 in May and I met two men that I did fall IN love with.

  They treated me great and still do even though I am no longer with them in the sense that we're in a relationship. The one though was a recovering cutter himself and for the few months we were together I stopped. I broke the promise to him though never to cut again. I did just shortly after we split up. I know this might be scary for some to read. I thought I was never going to be loved ever again.

  Stupid I know but, that is what I thought. I was 18 and going to Carl D. Perkins Job Corps Center. I had to stop again and I did for about 10 months. I was only there for three and the other seven months I did it on my own.

  I guess I link my problems to my family life or at home life since I still live with them. I feel like they don't care what I do. I still remember my mother's OH WELL when she first found out about my cutting. That stung she didn't try to get me to stop or anything. She still hasn't.

  I am with a few loving men now that have been a constant rock to lean on in my life. I have stopped doing all the terrible things I used to and started living for the day. I love them with all my heart and I hope they understand that my past is just that my past. I plan on staying clean of the cutting and many other bad addictions I had. At 20 years old it is time that I stood on my own two feet. Learn that words don't matter it's the love you are shown that counts in the end.

I know no matter what I do in life my men are always going to support me no matter what. That support helps me even now while I am writing this out. I remember that I am Beautiful. I am smart. I am all the things that my parents say I am not. I am not however stupid, idiot, or a moron. I am very intelligent and I am going to use my head for more than a hat rack from now on!

Nephew In Hospital

  I have been trying to tell myself that it will all be alright. That my 19 year old nephew is going to make it. Yet, all I have been doing for the last two days is thinking is. What If? I am so scared I haven't even told my loves about it yet because I don't want to break down sobbing like a baby anymore.

  He stopped taking his meds and took a whole bunch of muscle relaxers and I don't know what all happened. He was life flighted out to Huntington, West Virginia late on Sunday night. I didn't know until yesterday in the morning. I was trying to wrap my head around it. I don't know what to think or what to even say. My oldest sister his mother is there with him, but she can't stay at his side all the time

  I just want to roll up into a ball and cry. Why did he do it? What made him go off the deep end? I just don't understand at all. I'm so tired yet I can't sleep I can't think and I'm trying to understand. Just need prayers right now. I am praying myself and just trying hard to remember that it is going to get worse before it gets better.

  Hoping and praying for the best though! Just got to keep praying and trying to be strong again. But, this is the nephew that is just five months younger than me....his birthday is coming up so he'll be 20 years old and then soon after that  I will turn 21. It's scary for me and just I am very scared right now. Trying hard to get that strength that I normally have it feels like it is missing.

College/Gay Marriage Discussion

  Okay most of you know that I am not in college. Yet, my pregnant sister is. She had brought up in her discussion question about gay marriage. So I am going to share with some of you what my sister and what I think of gay marriage.

  I myself think that gays and lesbians and even bisexuals should have the right to marry whoever they want to. The law and the government should not have a say over whom marries whom. To me being bisexual means I can love either sex if not both if I wanted to. That being said though I am also faithful to the ones I am with right now. Just because we love the same sex or love more than one we are looked down upon. WTF? This happens every day and I realize this. I don't have a problem with myself or my relationships. So why should anyone else? Why should they have the right to judge me? Then I realize they have no right to judge, but they do have a right to their own opinions. So that being said they can have their opinions as long as they do not judge me. What hurts is that being judged leaves a person in a sour mood. Or it leaves me in a sour mood. Don't know about everyone else, but it does me.

  My sister thinks as I do and she wrote about that today for her college discussion. She didn't see that it had been brought up more than once already. So yes this is very weird for us both because Kentucky isn't to keen on Gay Rights. Yet, there are many college students at the college my sister goes to that is all for gay rights and gay marriage. (She read it all off to me and I was amazed!) Wow...Just wow. Six answers where on gay rights and gay marriage. My sister put hers into words that includes Lesbians, Gays, and Bisexuals. She put us all into the post because that is how she feels. Marriage should be allowed to all and that is how she honestly feels. She is bisexual, but in a straight laced relationship with a man. She is all for gay rights and that makes me smile daily.

  So what do you all think about this? Any opinions? Any comments? I had a few and they were all something nice to say about how people are really starting to change and say things that can make anyone smile or be proud of!!

Rough Roads of A Mini-Adult

Rough Roads of A Mini-Adult

 

 

It is hard to be a mini-adult
Always running towards things that are there
Never knowing if it is the right thing
Yet, some how we all find our way
Through rough roads of life
Through all of the fight and flights
We find ourselves as whole as any other adult we know
Some are mini-adults like us
Others are not they are fully grown
But, this is not just the rough roads of old
But, of new as well
Dreams are hard to fill in with what life has in store
Some how we make it and don't know how
To all the fellow Mini-Adults out there
Rough roads are the roads to take
Because you become strong and know what it takes
You find the love of your life and hold onto it harder than most
Many understand that the mini-adult's are a lot like they were
Some find that they wish they had taken the hard rough roads of life
Others are finding that it is hiding away from yourself that needs to be undone
So I stand out from my rough roads and start to walk them
As my life turns out for the better I continue to walk the rough roads of life and enjoy what is to come
This I swear to myself to do always and make sure I love like no other


This is the rough roads meaning....No matter who you are or where you are. No matter what hardships you have you can and will be able to walk the rougher roads in life. It won't be easy, but in the end it is always well worth it. This is just one thing I am learning in life.

Showing the Love

  How does one show Love? Well there are many ways, but my favorite way is to hold someone through the pain they are feeling or hold them just because I think they need it at that given moment. Supporting the person you love or the people you love and care for is important. It doesn't matter where you are at when your friends or friend needs you. If they need your advice you help them no matter how busy your life is. Taking that time to show your love and support means a lot more than you could ever know.

  I find that loving the men I am with I like to hold their hand when they are having a rough time of it. It makes me scared to know that they are hurting and Ii can't be right there with them. They live a few hundred miles away from me right now, but I am faithful to them and they to me. That is what counts. I am a very loving and caring person who is very supportive, but when I or a friend gets hurt or even my loves get hurt that is when this Kitty Kat brings out her claws.

  I show my support in many ways which one would be fighting back with the people who hurt my loved ones. I am very sensitive to people I love getting harmed. Supporting them through that is something I do first then I open up a can of whop ass on the people that hurt them. I can be a good person nice and kind, but when you cross the line I am a very mean woman. I guess we all have it in us, but it's like this. No one wants to be hurt and I for one don't want to hurt others. Yet, when it comes to friends and my loves and my family I can get to the point of hurting a person back over them.

Very First Kiss With A Girl

  My first kiss was with a girl I called Baby Girl. She was my best friend all through out middle school and high school. She was beautiful in my eyes flawless, sexy and many other words that I thought fit her perfectly. Now the night we kissed was at a home football game and we had gotten so tired of her not being able to cheer for her team out on the field. I know people in school where like "A cheerleader and a Misfit why do they hang out together?" Haha because we had a lot in common. Still do.

How we got to kissing was on a dare from another friend. We just went with it and she made the kiss so enjoyable for me that I gave as good as I got. It was my first kiss from a girl EVER. I was clumsy and shy about it. By the end of the night though we had been kissing for a good hour and a half and didn't know what happened during the game or anything. (That can happen when your in the car making out!) She and I parted as friends and that one kiss was the only kiss we shared, But it was a kiss I will always remember!

Light & Dark

  I have always been afraid of the dark. As a little kid I thought of such things as the bogey man and bad people coming to get me. I was a little girl the first time I ever got locked into a basement. Do I still fear the dark? Yes, so much so in fact that I sleep with a light on at all times. I can not for the life of me sleep in the dark.

  Used to be scared of basements to after that, but I am happy to say I got rid of that fear when I was eighteen. Yes I know a long time to get it out of my system, but I was scared and I was and still am young. Just 20 years old. So people being afraid of the dark is normal right? I think it is anyways.

Oops My Bad

  What does this really mean when people tell you "Oops, My Bad."? Well here is how I see some of it since I have had some people say it to me recently. Oops, My Bad can mean a dozen different things, but the two most common ways it is used are this way. Oops, My Bad I didn't realize or Oops, My Bad I kinda believed the lies.

  Sometimes how people treat others makes them angry.Being lied about or being lied to hurts a person. It doesn't matter who it is that lies on you it is going to get some reactions. Yet, when someone tells the truth on lies that others have told and got caught up in, you get a ten times worse reactions than when you lie about them. That to me is being a fake. That is worse much worse in my book than telling the truth and not being believed about it. You don't have to be a fake to be liked and well liked at that. So many people can be fake, but it takes a real woman or a real man to be themselves.

  I get most angry though when lies are spread about me. This does not help matters when the real truth comes out and the ones who had believed the lies say "Oops, My Bad."  What is That person or persons bad is that they believed lies over someone telling them the stone cold hard truth and facts of the matter. They didn't want to believe the truth from you, yet when it comes out it is an "Oh I'm sorry I didn't believe you." kind of deal. Not many people can say that they have never done an "Oops, My Bad." moment because ninty percent of the time there is at least one "Oops, My Bad." That is said and it just isn't in response to believing lies or anything. You could have forgotten to get something from the store and you say that. Yet, my two main reasons of writing this are listed in here. "Oops, My Bad." has been said a lot in my life and honestly yes it is that persons bad because they would have rather believed the bad in me. Rather than the good that they know I have inside of me on a daily bases!

  So this is the plan for me. Stop listening to the "Oops, My Bad." Bullshit and start finding my own way in life and stop worrying about what other people think and say about me. Reason being is if they are talking trash about me then they aren't trash talking anyone else. They leave others alone while they talk trash behind my back. Trust me I rather save people a whole lot of grief and just let them talk bad about me rather than you.

Being Bisexual & Coming out

  Let's put this in simple terms. I am bisexual have been for years. I can not really tell you when I started looking at women and thinking that I wanted to date a woman. Although I have not dated a woman I have met a few lesbian women and bisexual women who accept me for who I am. This is about the day I came out to my parents as being Bisexual.

  I was about sixteen years old when I finally got the courage to admit to my parents that I was bisexual. I had feelings for girls and women since well lord twelve or thirteen. My first kiss from a girl was a couple nights before I came out to my parents that I like both men and women. (Though I am more into men then women sexually.) It was hard because my mother had said some things about accepting it, yet when she found out who I kissed that was a gir. She kind of flipped dead the hell out. I didn't know what to think or even what to say when she was mad that I kissed my best friend of four years.

  Needless to say my mother still does not like the fact that I like women and she herself came out as bisexual. Talk about hypocrite! Why is it wrong for me to be bisexual yet she can come out and expect to have acceptance? Alright I think I calmed down a bit since she came out but that still gets to me.

  My father has always said he wants his daughters and his sons to be dead straight. ~Rolls her eyes~ Well I am not no matter how you put it or twist it. I like women and I love men and I'd be with both sexually in a heartbeat. I want the right woman though and I have the right men in my life. I am not going to change just because they both have their morals twisted around to suit their wants and needs.

  I am proud to be Bisexual I don't hide it and I never will I am not about to start now. I've been out for nearly five years now I am nearing 21 years of age. I am going to be who I am meant to be. No matter what it means to others. I might be a bad example of a bisexual woman, but I am none the less bisexual and I AM PROUD to be just that!

Little sister Having a baby

  I guess I should start off with this is my nineteen year old sister that is pregnant. She is nearly at her due date and is driving me bonkers. We used to have a great relationship. Until she started complaining and yelling at me. I love her to death, but sometimes I just can not handle all of that.

  People might think that this is mean, but I never understood that pregnancy could make you do and say things you normally would not. She has hormones flying every where. Yet, I am proud to say that the baby and her are doing fine.

Oh yeah I forgot to mention IT'S A GIRL!!

I've always wanted to see a baby girl from her and I hope and pray that she'll let me hold the baby as soon as I come to visit her after labor and delivery. Lol. That is still a couple months away, but still that is what I am hoping for. I love my sister to death she just doesn't realize how much. If she did we wouldn't have so many problems. Or so I think. It's just me I guess not knowing but taking it one step at a time is what I am trying to do. Let's hope that I can do it that a way.

Family

   I come from a large family. I have two brothers and three sisters. I have never been left alone by my family. Does this mean I love them any less? NO! I just get tired of having to say that I am an mini-adult and have not been alive this long to get told what to do right and left. I have so many thoughts that I always somehow need to let them out.

   Most people might think that I hate my family, but I can say for a fact that I love them very much. My baby brother is turning seven this year and the other baby brother is turning eighteen. Man time sure flies by. I'll be turning 21 right before my sister that is younger than me turns 20. My youngest sister is 12. I have one older half sister who is 37. I have always been the oldest out of my mothers children. So that put a lot of burdens on my shoulders. My father is 57 nearly 58 years of age and my mother is 40 almost 41 years of age,

   Just because I was the oldest doesn't mean I didn't get tired of it. I did a lot of the time because I didn't want to be the only role model they had. Yet, sadly I was for most of my life the only one that was being there and doing what I should have been. When I stopped well it all went down hill and my sister ShayShay (Nickname) picked up the slack that I gave to her. I guess she didn't like it.

   It's still hard for me today to be the perfect role model for my siblings that my parents want. I feel that I should live my life and not let everyone else pull me every which way. Perhaps that is what is wrong with me in this matter. I don't know I have a few  more months to figure it all out. At least I hope I do before I move away from them.

Welcome

    Well there might not be to many people that check this out but I wanted to start writing about things that I found important to me. My name is Lucy, but most people call me Kat. Not many think that I can be nice or good to people, but I can be. I don't like being rubbed the wrong way. I don't like being put down for who I am or who I love. This is the main reason I started writing a lot while I was in school. I'm just twenty years old and know very little, but what I do know is that I have a lot of feelings. They tend to get hurt, but that is alright because not many people would understand me otherwise,

    This is to get my thoughts and feelings out there. If anyone could give me advice I'd love that. I can't figure out a lot of things in my life, but I do have a strong love life. I love more than one person and yes they all know about each other. Some will think it is wrong and others will accept it. That is fine with me because I do not want to find that people do not understand me in the least.

    I won't lie about my life to anyone and I am very proud to be who I am. I'm a bisexual woman who loves her men with a passion that can never be felt for any others. This is just how I am, but I have a lot of compassion for men and women a like. I follow the blog 2 boys in love with a compassion and love for what is going on. I want to see them do well in their lives and continue building on their love for themselves.