This is for Vic (I love you)

I am a man:


Days creep by and flash around
Trying to find what I've already known
Looking to live
looking to breath easier
Finding that I've been a man from under
Under my skin I am a man
Under my skin I am the man I wish to be
In my heart I'm the man that some can't see
In my soul I am a man
In my eyes and in my soul in my heart and in the deepest depths of my being I am and have always been a man.
Ones that shun me have no business to put me down.
Ones who shun me have no business in my life.
This is my truth.
This is my life.
I am a man.
I will always be a man.
No matter who says otherwise.
I AM A MAN!
One day very soon I'll show you all just how much of a man I am.
I am real just as any man is real.
I keep it honest & true.
I protect what is mine.
I protect my family.
I will protect the kids I shall have.
I will protect everything and everyone that I claim as part of my family.
A man I am and respect I deserve.
I do more than some of these half ass men on this earth.
I work constantly on trying to better the world.
I work hard to better myself as well.
I write and I inspire.
Can some of you other men say that very same thing?
Don't cast the first stone.
If you are unwilling to have the glass home broken.
I have been a man since birth.
I was only born with the wrong parts.
My parts didn't grow the right way.
But I've always known that I was a man am a man.
So to cast a stone you most first cast it at yourself.
I am a man weather you wish me to be or not.

Vic, know that I will always love you. That the ones who support you my dear will always be there. Keep your head held high and please know that when a stone is cast just kick it aside.

Been A while

  I've not been in the mood to write much lately here. So this is a 3 week update.

     After march 2nd I started having dreams and freaking out big time. I've been trying to rest a bit better and this past weekend the dreams shifted and filtered out becoming more good than bad. I've been dealing with that and on top of it all I've been dealing with the simple fact of keeping my niece in my sister's and mine's home.

    My sister left the idiot. Has an EPO out on him and all is well you'd think right? HA! Not a damn chance. We had to spend one whole day cleaning up after him to get our place spotless. One whole freaking day oh yeah talk about sore and tired I was and my sister was as well. Plus the calls that were no answers and I'm not stupid I knew who those calls and hang ups were. Not to mention and this is what puts a burr under my ass cheeks. He asked for DNA on the baby. Now mind you we all know my sister was faithful to his sorry ass. We all know that the baby is his. He's just doing it to hurt my sister and get back at her.

    I've been trying my hardest to keep calm with that and other things going on. I'm happy to say my niece is sleeping better and she's found her voice. Gods please let her hush for five minutes during the day for me though please! Just five minutes is all I'm asking LMAO! She has been going non-stop for about a week and a half now. To be honest it makes me happy to know that the baby is doing so much better. I love my niece so much.


    I've been trying to get my mind set on writing my books and stories but ugh all this is driving me up the wall. I'll get there I am sure of it. So since I've been trying too write I've realized that I've never really shared to much of my writing perhaps some here and there. Eh I'll get around to that at some point. I'm on and off here a lot so I'll give updates weekly or so don't worry to much about me I'm fine!

I'm Safe & Sound after March 2nd KY Tornados

  I'm just letting everyone know that I'm safe. Although the town I live in is damaged and in shambled ruins. A lot of people are out of jobs. But the biggest thing of all is there are a lot of people that aren't accounted for. It's scary and really my home wasn't even hit but my blood family a lot of them in West Liberty, KY and Slayersville, KY they did get hit. I live in Slayersville. It is really shocking to see all the trees uprooted, electric lines down, houses that were there are now gone.



  It is really hard to look at and worst thing is that day we went out and had a lot of rain and stuff. Yet here at home we had nothing going on. Down the road there was a lot going on though. I can't believe all the homes that aren't standing anymore. I can't believe the ruin that this has caused in this state. I can only imagine the things it done to other places and states.

  I'm praying right now for people I know in other states and hoping that I can get in contact with them soon.

Beauty!!!

This one is for Matty from 2boysinlove since I know he loves these type of pictures The above one! HOT!
Since I went all ranting on yall earlier this is what you get afterwards. Yummy wait I have more!

Now I would like to say that I own none of these pictures I just felt that these were beautiful pictures. Thought I'd share. MHM! Since I was in a bad mood a couple hours or so ago I thought a small treat was needed.

Temper be Told & Truth be Told

  Does everyone have a temper? I always wondered what set my temper off the most? What hurt me the most? What made me feel the lowest?

  I'm 21 years old and know just about everything that sets me off. Sometimes I just want to bust people in the mouth because they set me off. They think that they know everything, that they can treat someone so poorly and not have someone lose their temper.

  I know all the bibles commandments. Honor thy mother and thy father? That is the biggest one that gets me. You have to honor them? What does it really mean? Respect them? I don't know how to really explain what I feel towards my mother and my father. It's some where between dislike and serve hatred.

  I know some wouldn't understand how I feel about them. These are two people who have literally put me down about myself. They have hit me one to many times for my liking yet when ever they say "Lucy we need this amount of money to keep...." whatever freaking bill on I normally never tell them no but gods how I wish I could.

  I feel walls enclose around me. Feel like I have to do everything they say just because I use their net to get online. I help them with that when I can.

  Now, to say that I'm pissed off would be one major thing. A 12 year old saying she needs to calm her nerves down. (My youngest sister.) Excuse me for saying this but, the child has it made. She doesn't get picked on in school she's well liked, she has friends more than any girl really needs. Excuse me for thinking that she's just a child who has nothing to worry about but her grades and her friends. Yet, she cries each and every time she's asked to do something.

  When I was her age I was getting picked on constantly. I was being hit and called names. I fought back and earned a lot of bruises through out my school career. I had to worry about which person would jump me with a hoard of others to back them up. I had perhaps five true friends that would be there to help me whenever I needed it. By the time I was a freshmen in high school I was known as the one that didn't give up or back down. But, to say that I didn't give up would be a lie. I gave up that year. I transferred to an online school which I had talked about before.

  I don't take well to being bossed around by people. Last person who tried to boss me ended up told off. (Mind you this was a lazy boss who had something against women working in a recycling center. That wasn't my main boss though. My main boss died Aug. 3rd 2011. This was after I had been fired for a year already. I don't regret standing up for myself.) I'm free spirited and a bit temperamental. If a boss is nice and asks for something and isn't prejudice then I'm fine with working for them.

  I guess the reasons I'm so mad and needed to vent about all of it is because of how I'm treated. Bossy ass people get annoying. Ones who think and wish to act like they are my "mother" are ignored. Which is one reason I'm not to well liked by many face to face I would guess. I've get a mean ass temper that can bite people on the ass if they say something that sets me off.

  What I'm saying is that not everyone knows or sees what I feel. They can guess and ask but when it comes right down to it....I'm guarded. So deeply that I fight the ones closest to me. I care deeply for people but, I also still guard myself just in case.

  My temper is a defense.
  My anger is a defense.
  My hatred is a defense.
  My guarding of myself is a defense.


  My sweetness is something I thought I lost. Yet, my adopted family they think I'm sweet, kind, caring, & loyal.

  Yet, when I go on the defensive that sweet, loving, caring, loyal woman just becomes and evil bitch. One who has hatred, anger, hurtful thoughts & doesn't care until it's to late to take something back.

  I started referring to that hurtful angry side of me as Kitty Kat. (Also one of my partners calls me this when I am being sweet towards him.)

  I'm also very prideful. Which honestly is very bad because when pride gets in the way. Well, I don't admit that I'm wrong much to anyone.




  So, Truth be told on the truth about my temper. A lot can set it off. My mother (Biological), My father (biological), my sisters (biological), my brothers (biological), know it all people, & bossy people.


  Also truth be told I love to learn. Love to read and write. Absolutely love to talk to my partners. I'm very sweet when I'm calm. I'm not just a child anymore. I have feelings that are real and true.


  Everything seems so suffocating when I'm angry or upset. I seem to lose myself at times to the anger and I seem to not wish to calm down right away. Writing helps that a lot. Although sometimes my writing when I'm mad is dark and dangerous.

Day after 21st B-Day

  My day yesterday was more than I had expected and to be honest I was happy with everything.


  I got a camcorder and it takes pictures!!!! I got my incense that I have been wanting for quite awhile now and they got 120 incenses I was happy to see them! I am into anything that has the Serenity's Prayer on it. About a year ago now I had one of them busted and I was so depressed about it because that was the last one I had. I got three different ones now! One small serenity's prayer one medium and One photo frame that's big I love it! Then I got this daughter's thing. I really like what it says.



  Yes even after all those my birthday still wasn't done. I had gotten to talk to my three of my partners last night and one of the others made an appearance to give me a gift from a partner of mine that is quite pissed off at me. My babes sent me 12 songs (Remakes) that him and my Wild Fire's band did together. He featured in two of them and that was so special to me. The gift that was dropped off to me looked like a peacock feather. Most don't know that I have a nickname of PP....which stands for Proud Peacock. So yes I broke down crying for a few minutes. 2 minutes before midnight last night my time my baby told me he loved me and we said goodnight and went to bed.


  Now, it's a new day and yes I feel a bit happier and more at peace. My birthday is over I'm still breathing and alive. I made it through with very little mishaps and very small amounts of crying. I did have to shake myself out of thinking and yes I was a bit scared that people wouldn't understand my thoughts. I had very little sugar in my system and I was  very calm very mellow and just myself. I was happy and yes I slept until noon yesterday and I was entitled to sleeping in it was my birthday.

  Oh yes I also got me a pair of Tennies! Yes finally I got my tennies that I have been needing lol.




    My mood right now is just very very very very happy I'm trying to figure out just how happy I am but well not about to think about it.

Day before 21st

(Warning: I am very depressed right now. I don't want to depress anyone with this so the warning is going up. Don't worry.)

  So it's the day before my 21st and I'm just feeling a bit down in the dumps. Yes like most kids today I've dreamed about my 18th and my 21st birthdays from the time I was a child.

  I realize honestly nothing much has changed since I was a kid except I'm older. I'm wiser and just I'm an adult.

  I guess what has me so down is the fact I really messed up something great and I'm not going into details about it all. Just know I don't feel like celebrating my birthday I don't feel like doing much of anything except staying in bed and covering my head to the sunshine for the whole day. That sounds about the best thing I could do right now. Means I won't hurt anyone I won't be a coastal bitch on the people I love. I just won't be able to do that if I'm no where near the computer to talk to anyone that I really really love to death.

  To explain a small bit. When I am so high on sugar and caffeinated drinks I am such a vindictive, hateful bitch to the people that are the very closest to me. Why, I can't really explain it. I just am and I know it yet I still consume a lot of sugar everyday.

  I've been swearing to myself to cool it on the sweets. Promising for months to stop all the sugar that I consume but I didn't and it's my own fault for everything that's been going on.

I've had my really good days when I'm on a small amount of sugar and I'm just really mellow. But, more than that small amount then something very small can set me off. Something small and petty sets me off and once I come down off it all I realize I was stupid and hateful and hurtful.



  What I can say at this moment the night before my 21st birthday is that I'm still alive, still breathing. What else I can say is that I'm in a very bad mood and I'm not sure if I want to so much as smile or laugh at this moment. I just feel really really off and it is truly my fault. I'm going to end this post with a song that I sing a lot and another song that just expresses truly what I wish to sing and remind myself of.