Not going to be Sorry & Thoughts

  I've been thinking about a lot of things since yesterdays post. I have to say I'm so tired of being sorry about my blood family. I'm tired of defending them against everyone. I'm tired of hiding what they do. I'm just tired of being sorry over their actions.

  Being sorry about anything should more be about my own actions and not others. I guess I am ashamed of my mother and father. It's not a guess it's a I know I am ashamed of them. It's okay to be ashamed and embarrassed. I realize that.



  I wrote a comment not to long ago over on C & D about what happened when I was ten. How I wasn't believed by my family over what a family friend had done to me. I wrote the comment and I felt so much better. I was ashamed of speaking about how I was ashamed of being an embarrassment to my mother and father for the longest time I wouldn't talk about what happened. It's just how I felt. There were a lot of things I didn't and felt that I couldn't write about as well.

  I think a lot about my past and some of it scares me to bring up even now. I told about what happened a few short months after my parents friend touched me the first time. He brought bebe guns and I shot his stupid ass with a few bebes. I'm not ashamed of that anymore. I'm not sorry for it. I also wrote on C & D's comments about the time I pulled a knife on him when I was 15. I'm not ashamed of that either. At that point I wanted to cut his balls off. Just because he never penetrated with his penis doesn't mean that he didn't abuse me. Abuse comes in many forms. Hitting, beating, touching, penetration & verbal, emotional. There are so many types of abuse.

  I spent a little bit trying to figure out how I was going to write it out here I think again. I thought for the longest while that it was my fault. That what happened was all my fault. I became very violent after everything happened. I became something that I wasn't. I still have dreams of killing this man with a rusty knife. I still have thoughts of jumping off the roof of a tall building. I also still have very violent thoughts towards this man and my parents for not believing what had happened under their own roof. I'm allowed to be pissed off. I'm allowed to have those thoughts as long as I never go through with them. I am allowed to still be angry.

  I've gotten into fights over this with my mother several times. This past year I have refused talking to anyone about it until C & D's posts started. I feel safe sharing because there are very few that know me online. There are very few that I have let in.

Vicktor, is one man I trust and that about five years back would have been very hard for me to do. Just because he is a man and I just wouldn't have been as trusting as I am now.

Ivan & Milo are two other men I would trust to talk to about anything and everything. They seem like two people who would really not judge me for my feelings or what all happens around me.

Matt & Brad again two others I trust. Also Thorny & Jazz I might not know most of them well enough but, I trust them all.

All these men seem very trust worthy to me as well as two of my ex's and all the men I love now that are my partners. I trust a lot more men them I used to. That at first was hard on me because I was to scared to open up. Sometimes I still am afraid to open up. It's nothing against men truly it's not. I just have a very hard time still seeing the good in people. Males the most. Four years ago was when it started to change when I started trusting more. I have two amazing ex's in my life to thank for being the very first to believe what happened to me was the truth. That makes sense right? The first people to believe me and I felt so much relief and I felt safe in telling them a lot. I still have a ways to go in trust issues but, I've gotten better.




  I don't drink anymore. I haven't in well over a year. I turned 21 back in Feb. and it was so fucking hard to hold to my promise not to drink again. I made it through that and I've made it to July 13th 2012 with my promise. I'm proud of myself. I still have urges sometimes to cut myself but I haven't in a few months, although with that it hasn't been a year but it has been quite a while. I'm getting there and I want to stay the way I am clean and sober.

  I have so many people in my life as adopted family that have helped me in many ways. I've cried, I've laughed, I've smiled & I've giggled about a number of things. I've been concerned and scared for many people that are in my life now. I've been worried and scared of running many people off. That I think is one major fear I have. I fear running people off. I fear it so I hide sometimes. I get scared of people running away and never talking to me again. I sometimes don't know what to say to everyone as well because of that fear.

  I get scared about emailing Ivie because I don't want to depress him. I don't want to make him worry about me and I don't want to make Milo worry about Ivie in the process. So I don't email a lot which I regret because I know he's a great guy. I know they both are great men. I see that with every blog post they post. I know because I can see their love for each other. It's a very big very very big mass on their backs. They don't always see it but others see it all the time. It's like their good attributes they both have them but, they don't always see them. Yet, others do see them and can tell them what they have good in them. Ivie is awesome, loving, caring, he worries, he loves Milo more than I think he says in his posts. I think he loves Milo a hell of a lot. Milo loves Ivie just as much and he has all the great things about him that I have yet to discover. I will though if they both let me discover more about them.

  I also don't email Vicktor to much same reasons. He's amazing though. I did finally email him about the 1st of this month and we talked a little bit. We talked about what had me hidden a lot in June and what I was feeling. I talked to him about what had happened and what can shove me into a black mood rather quickly. I talked a little bit about what I felt like doing during my black moods and I made him a promise to talk before I hit black mode. I'm trying really really trying.

  I doubt anyone will read all of this because it is rather long. I have my doubts that anyone wants to see and read what I have to say. It might just be all in my head. Might be I don't really know.

  I'm going to close this by saying. I love my adopted Family so very much. I am always always thinking about them. I don't think I ever tell them that enough.