Embrace The Rainbow

Embrace The Rainbow
Embrace The Rainbow

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Color system to my moods.

Vicktor gave me this idea a few days ago for a color chart to my moods. I'm going to give a little bit of as to why in a few short sentences.

I've hidden a lot during the month of June & I've been hiding a bit during July. Some of the reasons are my blood family. My mother has been one main reason I stayed hidden a lot during June. I've wanted to hit my mother more times than I can count in the last two months or so. I really have a bad temper and it's a really really really really short fuse to that temper. Two days ago was about as close to hitting her as I have gotten in a very long while. I don't answer her when she's running off the mouth most times because I know whatever I will say will piss her off regardless of it being innocent. Here's how it started.

Mother: I need help with the counters no one ever helps me around here.

Me: .............

Mother: I would like an answer so I know you heard me.

Me: .......When I do answer you...you get mad....when I don't answer you...you get mad

Mother: Well if you would answer when spoken to................

Okay at this time I wasn't even upset I was however getting there.

Me: ~Getting up off the couch~

Mother:  I wouldn't get mad.....Yet, you ignore me and don't do anything I ask.

Kat: ........I do do things not a lot but I do them.

Mother: Like what? You start fights so you don't have to go anywhere.

Kat: That's not true and you know it Mother. If I didn't want to go I wouldn't get up and get ready to go and you know it.

Mother: Yeah you want to know what I know?

Kat: What?

Mother: You're a lazy no good for nothing child and I didn't raise you to act this way!

Kat: I'm no good?!?

You can see how this went. Needless to say when she slapped me and got up in my face I was somewhere between dislike and hating her. I shoved her the second time she slapped me I don't like being hit in my face and I didn't hit her back because I knew what my father would do if I did. I was tempted more than tempted to hit her back but instead I shoved her away she ended up landing on the floor but I didn't hit her there. When she got up she grabbed a knife and had I not run out of the room she was in I'm sure she would have cut me. I'm not scared of blood but I am very seriously scared of dying before I get the chance to live my life to the fullest.

Maybe in a lot of ways I am a no good child. Maybe I am lazy. Maybe just maybe she's right. I very well may be a bad person. I also might be a bad person for reacting the way I did. But I don't regret it. I can't regret it. She doesn't regret hitting me so what would be the point in regretting pushing her away.

The biggest fights we have end up being over my partners. I know for a fact she has no right at all to talk trash about them. She has never spoken to them never once tried to talk to them. I learned my lesson about her speaking with any boyfriend or partner I had. She runs her mouth and tries to get them to break it off with me. I don't need that. My partners don't need to deal with her. I guess in many ways I am trying to protect them from her.

Now onto the color system.

Red- Loved, Loving, cared for, who I care for
Dark Blue- Needs healing
Blue- Depressed slightly
Purple-Tired but mellow
Gold- Relaxing/mellowing out
Gray- Nearly to black good time to get me to talk. Really good time to message me a short message or a long one. 
Black- This is the darkest mood you can find me in. I'm depressed. I'll normally hide away and stay very hidden. Only reading the blogs and rarely posting to them. If you don't see me email me. If you don't hear from me keep trying. I normally read the email but if I'm in this mode I won't reply often enough if at all.
Lighter Purple- Talking about what's on my mind on a whole and rambling.

I'll post in the color I'm feeling and in bold lettering.s If it's normal lettering I'm just posting to be posting something that I think needs posted. Today I'm still deep in grey mode. I'm feeling a bit lousy and thinking about what happened two days before. I want to mellow out and slow down. I want to write and read and just relax. Yet, I can't seem to stop thinking today. Last night was alright. I was mellowed out and talking to my partners just trying to have a nice chat with them. It was relaxing and just what I needed. Sometimes I don't know how to feel sometimes about what happens. I guess I can be pretty stupid. I still don't know how I am going to get anything done that I want. I know I need to stop making excuses and just jump into everything all at once and bury myself with writing Dark Hungers or perhaps get my poems together and place into a book. Or two books. I'm thinking about putting together an all BGLTQ related poem book. The reason I want to write is because it is apart of me. Something deeply apart of who I am is my writing. So I'm going to do it and roll with the punches. I'm going to try it out and get my ass on the ball with it all. I've got to try and this seems like the best way to go about it. For now peace out. ~Blows kisses to everything and floats hugs to them as well~


  1. I'm very sorry for the problems with your family. hugs

  2. ~Hugs you tightly and whispers~ My family doesn't understand me not blood ones anyways. I'm not sorry anymore. I used to be but I'm not anymore. I'm tired of being sorry for things that happen. What I am sorry about is that I've become so depressed due to the problems.