Not going to be Sorry & Thoughts

  I've been thinking about a lot of things since yesterdays post. I have to say I'm so tired of being sorry about my blood family. I'm tired of defending them against everyone. I'm tired of hiding what they do. I'm just tired of being sorry over their actions.

  Being sorry about anything should more be about my own actions and not others. I guess I am ashamed of my mother and father. It's not a guess it's a I know I am ashamed of them. It's okay to be ashamed and embarrassed. I realize that.



  I wrote a comment not to long ago over on C & D about what happened when I was ten. How I wasn't believed by my family over what a family friend had done to me. I wrote the comment and I felt so much better. I was ashamed of speaking about how I was ashamed of being an embarrassment to my mother and father for the longest time I wouldn't talk about what happened. It's just how I felt. There were a lot of things I didn't and felt that I couldn't write about as well.

  I think a lot about my past and some of it scares me to bring up even now. I told about what happened a few short months after my parents friend touched me the first time. He brought bebe guns and I shot his stupid ass with a few bebes. I'm not ashamed of that anymore. I'm not sorry for it. I also wrote on C & D's comments about the time I pulled a knife on him when I was 15. I'm not ashamed of that either. At that point I wanted to cut his balls off. Just because he never penetrated with his penis doesn't mean that he didn't abuse me. Abuse comes in many forms. Hitting, beating, touching, penetration & verbal, emotional. There are so many types of abuse.

  I spent a little bit trying to figure out how I was going to write it out here I think again. I thought for the longest while that it was my fault. That what happened was all my fault. I became very violent after everything happened. I became something that I wasn't. I still have dreams of killing this man with a rusty knife. I still have thoughts of jumping off the roof of a tall building. I also still have very violent thoughts towards this man and my parents for not believing what had happened under their own roof. I'm allowed to be pissed off. I'm allowed to have those thoughts as long as I never go through with them. I am allowed to still be angry.

  I've gotten into fights over this with my mother several times. This past year I have refused talking to anyone about it until C & D's posts started. I feel safe sharing because there are very few that know me online. There are very few that I have let in.

Vicktor, is one man I trust and that about five years back would have been very hard for me to do. Just because he is a man and I just wouldn't have been as trusting as I am now.

Ivan & Milo are two other men I would trust to talk to about anything and everything. They seem like two people who would really not judge me for my feelings or what all happens around me.

Matt & Brad again two others I trust. Also Thorny & Jazz I might not know most of them well enough but, I trust them all.

All these men seem very trust worthy to me as well as two of my ex's and all the men I love now that are my partners. I trust a lot more men them I used to. That at first was hard on me because I was to scared to open up. Sometimes I still am afraid to open up. It's nothing against men truly it's not. I just have a very hard time still seeing the good in people. Males the most. Four years ago was when it started to change when I started trusting more. I have two amazing ex's in my life to thank for being the very first to believe what happened to me was the truth. That makes sense right? The first people to believe me and I felt so much relief and I felt safe in telling them a lot. I still have a ways to go in trust issues but, I've gotten better.




  I don't drink anymore. I haven't in well over a year. I turned 21 back in Feb. and it was so fucking hard to hold to my promise not to drink again. I made it through that and I've made it to July 13th 2012 with my promise. I'm proud of myself. I still have urges sometimes to cut myself but I haven't in a few months, although with that it hasn't been a year but it has been quite a while. I'm getting there and I want to stay the way I am clean and sober.

  I have so many people in my life as adopted family that have helped me in many ways. I've cried, I've laughed, I've smiled & I've giggled about a number of things. I've been concerned and scared for many people that are in my life now. I've been worried and scared of running many people off. That I think is one major fear I have. I fear running people off. I fear it so I hide sometimes. I get scared of people running away and never talking to me again. I sometimes don't know what to say to everyone as well because of that fear.

  I get scared about emailing Ivie because I don't want to depress him. I don't want to make him worry about me and I don't want to make Milo worry about Ivie in the process. So I don't email a lot which I regret because I know he's a great guy. I know they both are great men. I see that with every blog post they post. I know because I can see their love for each other. It's a very big very very big mass on their backs. They don't always see it but others see it all the time. It's like their good attributes they both have them but, they don't always see them. Yet, others do see them and can tell them what they have good in them. Ivie is awesome, loving, caring, he worries, he loves Milo more than I think he says in his posts. I think he loves Milo a hell of a lot. Milo loves Ivie just as much and he has all the great things about him that I have yet to discover. I will though if they both let me discover more about them.

  I also don't email Vicktor to much same reasons. He's amazing though. I did finally email him about the 1st of this month and we talked a little bit. We talked about what had me hidden a lot in June and what I was feeling. I talked to him about what had happened and what can shove me into a black mood rather quickly. I talked a little bit about what I felt like doing during my black moods and I made him a promise to talk before I hit black mode. I'm trying really really trying.

  I doubt anyone will read all of this because it is rather long. I have my doubts that anyone wants to see and read what I have to say. It might just be all in my head. Might be I don't really know.

  I'm going to close this by saying. I love my adopted Family so very much. I am always always thinking about them. I don't think I ever tell them that enough.
 

Color system to my moods.

Vicktor gave me this idea a few days ago for a color chart to my moods. I'm going to give a little bit of as to why in a few short sentences.

I've hidden a lot during the month of June & I've been hiding a bit during July. Some of the reasons are my blood family. My mother has been one main reason I stayed hidden a lot during June. I've wanted to hit my mother more times than I can count in the last two months or so. I really have a bad temper and it's a really really really really short fuse to that temper. Two days ago was about as close to hitting her as I have gotten in a very long while. I don't answer her when she's running off the mouth most times because I know whatever I will say will piss her off regardless of it being innocent. Here's how it started.

Mother: I need help with the counters no one ever helps me around here.

Me: .............

Mother: I would like an answer so I know you heard me.

Me: .......When I do answer you...you get mad....when I don't answer you...you get mad

Mother: Well if you would answer when spoken to................

Okay at this time I wasn't even upset I was however getting there.

Me: ~Getting up off the couch~

Mother:  I wouldn't get mad.....Yet, you ignore me and don't do anything I ask.

Kat: ........I do do things not a lot but I do them.

Mother: Like what? You start fights so you don't have to go anywhere.

Kat: That's not true and you know it Mother. If I didn't want to go I wouldn't get up and get ready to go and you know it.

Mother: Yeah you want to know what I know?

Kat: What?

Mother: You're a lazy no good for nothing child and I didn't raise you to act this way!

Kat: I'm no good?!?

You can see how this went. Needless to say when she slapped me and got up in my face I was somewhere between dislike and hating her. I shoved her the second time she slapped me I don't like being hit in my face and I didn't hit her back because I knew what my father would do if I did. I was tempted more than tempted to hit her back but instead I shoved her away she ended up landing on the floor but I didn't hit her there. When she got up she grabbed a knife and had I not run out of the room she was in I'm sure she would have cut me. I'm not scared of blood but I am very seriously scared of dying before I get the chance to live my life to the fullest.

Maybe in a lot of ways I am a no good child. Maybe I am lazy. Maybe just maybe she's right. I very well may be a bad person. I also might be a bad person for reacting the way I did. But I don't regret it. I can't regret it. She doesn't regret hitting me so what would be the point in regretting pushing her away.

The biggest fights we have end up being over my partners. I know for a fact she has no right at all to talk trash about them. She has never spoken to them never once tried to talk to them. I learned my lesson about her speaking with any boyfriend or partner I had. She runs her mouth and tries to get them to break it off with me. I don't need that. My partners don't need to deal with her. I guess in many ways I am trying to protect them from her.

Now onto the color system.


Red- Loved, Loving, cared for, who I care for

Dark Blue- Needs healing

Blue- Depressed slightly

Purple-Tired but mellow
Gold- Relaxing/mellowing out
Gray- Nearly to black good time to get me to talk. Really good time to message me a short message or a long one. 
Black- This is the darkest mood you can find me in. I'm depressed. I'll normally hide away and stay very hidden. Only reading the blogs and rarely posting to them. If you don't see me email me. If you don't hear from me keep trying. I normally read the email but if I'm in this mode I won't reply often enough if at all.
Lighter Purple- Talking about what's on my mind on a whole and rambling.


I'll post in the color I'm feeling and in bold lettering.s If it's normal lettering I'm just posting to be posting something that I think needs posted. Today I'm still deep in grey mode. I'm feeling a bit lousy and thinking about what happened two days before. I want to mellow out and slow down. I want to write and read and just relax. Yet, I can't seem to stop thinking today. Last night was alright. I was mellowed out and talking to my partners just trying to have a nice chat with them. It was relaxing and just what I needed. Sometimes I don't know how to feel sometimes about what happens. I guess I can be pretty stupid. I still don't know how I am going to get anything done that I want. I know I need to stop making excuses and just jump into everything all at once and bury myself with writing Dark Hungers or perhaps get my poems together and place into a book. Or two books. I'm thinking about putting together an all BGLTQ related poem book. The reason I want to write is because it is apart of me. Something deeply apart of who I am is my writing. So I'm going to do it and roll with the punches. I'm going to try it out and get my ass on the ball with it all. I've got to try and this seems like the best way to go about it. For now peace out. ~Blows kisses to everything and floats hugs to them as well~

Happy Fouth of July

So I wanted to say to everyone Happy Fourth of July. Hope you have a good one.

I have four people that I know of personally to thank for serving our country.

Vicktor I want to thank you for being brave enough strong enough to serve our country. I also want to thank you for being the best that you can be. I love you dearly and your advice is always wanted and noted. I'm still working on the color chart for my blog for my mood. I thought that was an amazing idea and something that I really need to get my behind in gear to do.

Cherie Noel from the bottom of my heart thank you for serving our country. I am so glad that you did.


To my Sweetheart...I know you tried your hardest to serve our country. I love you so much for enlisting and doing your best. You did serve our country to me. I love you dearly always will.

Also a big thank you to the Sweet Dark Chocolate of my life D....Thank you for serving. Thank you for being there for me as well.


I love these four amazing people. Cherie I'm just starting to get to know. Vicktor I've slowly gotten to know over the near year I'm been around the blog realm. My Sweetheart I've known three years and loved for just as long. D I've known a little less than a year and he still amazes me.


Have a happy fourth everyone and remember if you are out drinking have a sober driver please?!?

Chicks & Dicks

http://www.chicksanddicksrainbow.com/


I was reading this blog yesterday on abuse awareness that they are doing this month in honor of Mores. It needs to be known and seen and we need to know how to help. I read again today the same post and some of the comments. I commented again under the first comment I posted.


I don't tell many about what has gone on in my life. Not in the world outside the internet because when I first did tell someone. They went to the people who have never believed it. So I folded up quickly. Now I am becoming a better person and trying to live my life outside of the fear and hurt that is there. You should really check out the blog.


Like now.

Why are you still here?

Seriously?

Come on go?

Are you just staying to read everything?

Okay I'm done now.

Go check it out!