Music!

Skype Call Singing....Yes I did do this about three times!

  Alright so I skype with friends from my RPG games from time to time. I got to talking to a friend of mine about something or other and had put on some music and me and my music (Country!) well it gets me singing a bit. I forgot I was on a skype call!

  I don't normally sing for anyone other than my partners so this was a bit different for me. Nervous me because this said friend once the song was over came out and said. "Sing another song!"

  I was a bit embarrassed but I was also excited that someone enjoyed my singing. When I don't think I'm very good to begin with. Scary scary. So I ended up singing four songs in all that night and then he asked if I'd sing again the next night. I did and slowly he got me to sing in a group call with other friends and well..............they enjoyed my singing to and had requests! ~Blushes~

I don't know why I get so nervous about my singing when it comes to others hearing me but I do know that it got easier with the friends that did enjoy it. Most of them enjoy country music so that was a plus! I might end up doing it again for the friends who enjoyed it because it'll help hopefully to get me over the shy bit I have about singing for others.

Music! & Updating

  So as of late I've been feeling really in the mood to listen to Maddi Jane. She does songs of other artists and honestly I like what she did with a certain song.

   Now I guess everyone might want to ask why I enjoy this song? Well I just enjoy it know the meaning and understand it. Plus I enjoy music it's my thing. I love to sing but I don't record myself except for my partners. I'm a bit scared of what others think of my voice. Not because I think they'll dislike it but because of the people who have put me down when I've sung. So I just hold those small singing bits for my partners because they enjoy it.


  I'm trying to keep my head on my shoulders right now. Mostly because I'm still worrying to much about things I can't change. I'm trying to find the things that I need to get done. plus everything that is going on around me is getting my head spinning. So the update would be. I'm fine just a lot on my mind is all. I've been thinking to much and worrying to much but all in all I'm fine. ~Hums softly to the song above~

"The Norm" & Fears

What the hell is the "norm" anyways? Honestly I see that everyone no matter who you are needs love needs to find the one person or persons that they can truly love without hiding it. So the "norm" to me is seeing men with men, women with women, and a man and a woman together. No matter the race either this is what gets me. What people call "The Norm" really truly is something they wish to see.

  I don't understand where people get off disrespecting gay couples. I love seeing people I can relate my problems to. Some gay men are truly honestly the best friends a woman could ask for. Reason I say this is because they won't ignore you and what you are saying. Not any of the gay men I've met anyways. I love a lot of people in my life and hell let's face it most of those men and women are either gay, bisexual, or lesbian. I have maybe a handful of straight friends.

  Perhaps that is why I don't see the problem some straight men and women have with the BLGT community. I mean I fit into no one's mold of "Normal" I don't really wish to be and never will. I am me. That is who I wish to always be is myself. So yes I might get mad and ticked off at people who gay bash and are homophobic, but when it's towards people I care about then yes I am going to get a bit bitchy over it.

  I'm just feeling a bit bitchy and needing to vent. Because I have my own idea of what is normal and to all the people who can't accept that the world is ALWAYS going to have a BLGT community well they can just piss off. I don't understand where they are coming from because I don't find a damn thing wrong with being proud of who you are!


  I am proud to be a 20 year old bisexual female who has partners who are bisexual and they accept me and how I wish to live and they accept the fact that there isn't just one lover in my life.


  Sorry, I had a rough night last night with dreams about the past and just feeling off and I know sometimes my ramblings and posts might sound bitchy but, it's what is on my mind and I do have a blood brother that is homophobic which I truly will never understand what makes him so. I've had fights with said brother over my ex's who are very happy together. He has fought with me over the partners I have now. To be honest I'm fed up with the bullshit he speaks. He knows nothing about what it is to truly love someone. He has his opinions and I have mine and they are very different from his. Sometimes I go to bed crying because I know that if any of my partners showed up at my door and my brother was here they'd not stay for long. I know that I don't want any of my partners or my adopted family or my friends hurt because of my blood family. It's been on my mind a lot for the last few days.

  My birthday is coming up and my deepest wish is to see my partners. I'm not going to ask that of them because it is also something I fear. I fear for them constantly. I defend them so much from the people I can't stand to hear BS from that I've taken it out on them. I've been so frustrated, so damned mad that everything I feel ends up getting turned on them. I don't want to do that anymore. I know they have stayed but, that fear that I will mess up and end up alone is something I truly fear.

I also fear the fact that people will judge me for what I am rather than who I am. I'm proud of who I truly am. Opposed to the people who hide and are not happy with who they are. My advice to most of the people who feel like they don't know themselves is simple.....GET IN TOUCH WITH YOURSELF! Make sure you see your true self rather than the fake person you pretend to be. When you do see who you wish to be then trust me on this YOU will become that person. Slowly or fast it doesn't matter as long as you become happy with who you are.

New Ring

  So my mother forgot she wanted to give me the ring she bought a little bit back for Christmas until recently and I wanted to show you. The reason I don't mention rings and things of the like is because I don't wear them often enough. I normally buy them myself if it's something simple and looks classy. I'm not the type to like god aweful big rings it just isn't me.

Web cam photos are a bit sucky but I also blame that it is night time LOL. But I'm happy that I've got a simple ring that is really nice looking. It's nice and I guess what one doesn't like another shall like, right? Yes it was a cast off of my mother's but it's the thought that counts right? So there it is.

A bit about my struggle to come out....and what I realize now...what I hope for now....what I intend to change.

Not everything can be as everyone wishes it to be. Sometimes it can be hard to be Bisexual because people treat you as if you are an ifection that they won’t be able to get rid of. I’ve felt like that for years because I see how others that know nothing about me look at me. I enjoy the company of women both as friends and as a potencial lover for some. I used to hide myself because I didn’t know how to cope with it or how to change what I felt.

Sometimes people can’t change it and that is alright because it says. Hey I’m me for a reason. God didn’t make a mistake when he created me or the way I am. I thought about this a long time when I was first starting to come out. I thought about how god may turn away from me for being a “sinner” then I remembered the most important lesson god had given me. I am everything. I am the beginning and the end. I am life and I am death. I am hope and I am faith. I make no mistakes because my children are mine. I show you uncoditional love as a father should.

That is how I believe in god. I believe he is everything. God is everything so what does that mean? I’ve had fights with people over my beliefs because they told me I was wrong. That god couldn’t have possibly of made gay men or lesbian women or even bisexual men and women. I found it funny after I was out and proud of who I was. No matter what they sprout off at me I just laugh. They can damn me to hell. They can try to “force” a demon from my body. That will not change the fact of who I am not with myself. Not with my partners. Not with my family by blood. Sure as hell not with my adopted family. I am who I am for a reason. God did NOT make a mistake when he created me. For that matter god made no mistakes when he created any of us.

I know there are a lot of people who don’t touch on the sobject of religion because it pisses folks off. I understand why they do it because for starters I sure as hell wouldn’t want to deal with the people who would start to sprout off.

I believe in god that is by rights my choice. I believe perhaps differently than some people but, that does not mean my beliefs should be downgraded or ignored.

I was asked once upon a time if I was happy with who I was. I was about 15. I said no I wasn’t happy. It was because I was misunderstood and I was still hiding away from my truth. I was hiding myself away without taking into fact that it was just hurting me. I believed in god I wanted to keep to god’s teachings but, I learned I can still be myself and stick with my teachings.

I won’t pretend any longer. I’m an out and proud bisexual female who loves women just as much as she loves men. I have partners that are men. I’m not ashamed of that either. I’m open about myself and I try my hardest to stay that way. If I close off it’s because it is a subject that is either hard for me or something that hurts my feelings a bit. I’ve had to handle so many things in my life that I don’t wish to be hurt. So I shut down and close myself off from just about everyone.

Sometimes I will need a break from my own hardships and I’ll focus on something else. Like my drawing or my writing. I’m the only person who can open up and talk or shut down and stay closed off. That’s one of my issues in my life. I shut down on people and I know it’s a defesive part of me but, it’s going to have to go to a certain point. Because this isn’t just about who I am now it’s about who I want to become. I want to be a better person over all. That isn’t a new years resolution either. It’s a basic want of mine and a need.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

  Okay can everyone tell that I am excited for this new year? Well let's put it this way. New Year's Eve was filled with a lot of tears, a lot of hope, a lot of praying, and a lot of smiling once the new year rang in. I have never been so happy for a new year to ring in as I was for this one to ring in. This year I have my whole life ahead not because I wish it but because I want & need it.

  I've met a lot of new family members and friends since I started blogging and talking on GR. I've met people who have stood by me through thick and thin although I wanted to scream at them to go away. They were still there.

  My partners are still with me even though I tried to push them away from me. It didn't work they pushed back. I will always remember that I got something I've never had before. A family that loves me no matter what. Partners who try their hardest to keep me talking even when I want to ignore them and hide in my music & my writing && my drawing. My partners have not only put up with my stressing and taking it out on them even though it wasn't their fault but they stayed although I did nearly lose them all to me not being the Big little adult around.


My New Year's resolution & my new year's wish/wishes.

Resolution.
1. I plan to become the best person I can be.
2. I hope to become a published author
3. I want to see my partners all of them for the first time face to face this year.
4. I want happiness & love to never end
5. I want to be more open with my partners
6. I want to smile & laugh more than I ever have this year and the ones to come


Wishes
1. I wish for my partners happiness's
2. I wish and hope for my family's happiness (New family lol)
3. I hope that my friends find everything they are looking for & more so much more
4. I wished for peace and love to come to all the men and women I know in my life. They deserve that more than anything in this world.




  I vow that by the end of this year I plan to have all of that and anything extra will make me smile. I vow that this new year and all the ones to come will be filled with happiness & joy not only for me but for my partners and my family.




I love you all please just remember that. Life is what you make of it. You have to put in good things to get good things in return. You have to make the effort. Most of all you have to want it and grab it while you have your chance. Don't let it slip away!




  Hugs & Kisses && A whole lot of love & joy


  Lucy "Kat" Katherine N. (Ha! thought yall were going to get my last name didn't ya? Sorry not yet.)