Embrace The Rainbow

Embrace The Rainbow
Embrace The Rainbow

Friday, November 9, 2012

5 weeks and a lot of things on my mind

  I've been silent for 5 weeks. It's not the longest I've been away. I was trying to hide from a lot of things in my life.

  First off someone came back into my life. He is like another father to me. He wants me to move to North Carolina and get to know him again. I haven't SEEN him since 2001. I'm nervous and unsure if I want too. I talk to him on facebook and told him something I finally admit to myself and others. I'm in a Polygamous relationship. I'm not ashamed of that but I didn't want to freak him out about that part of me. When I told him after writing it out seven or eight times I finally sent it. I didn't know at the time what he'd say or what he'd feel about what I had to say to him. Here's a little bit of what I said and what he said.

Me: Tonight I was thinking. You remember when I told you I had love interests in Tennessee? I never told you how many or anything of real value. Because I was scared of being judged. I love more than two men I love more than six I love more than ten. I'm Polygamous. I don't love any of them any different than the other. I'm in love with the ones I know and care a lot about. I want to better myself because of them. I want to do so much because they are in my life. Everything is crazy and I wanted to tell you before mom told you things. I've dated long distantly for over four years. I've been with (known) some of the ones I am with for four years. Some four three some for two and others for one and some for just a few months
Sometimes I don't open up to anyone because I am scared of being judged and just everything.
Him: why

Me: I'll do what I have to do Daddy I just wanted you to know and that was about the tenth time I wrote what you read out and I finally sent it too you after I talked to one of the men I love dearly. They make me happy really truly happy. When I get there to live finally I will be one happy woman.

He's yet to get back on but you have no idea how much this meant to me he didn't judge me like my mother and real father do. He just took it for what it is.

  A few nights after this I was talking to one of my ex's. We talked about the past a lot and how my lie hurt him. At the time I wanted to hurt him. Yet, afterwards...no I wanted to take it all back, but I couldn't it was already done. He said he couldn't trust me or forgive me. I understand that and it did make me sad because I've changed since we split up nearly four years ago. A couple nights later we talked again. He said he forgives me but he doesn't trust me yet.

  To say that I deserve the anger, the hurt, the bitterness he felt towards me would be very honest because I do deserve the way he feels. I don't want to hurt him anymore matter of fact I want to be on even ground with him. I want his trust again. I want to be trusted. He said that he has seen me changing and seen that I'm not the same as I was four years ago. He also said that I still needed to work on me before all was done and said.

  I've learned a lot in the last five weeks. A lot about myself from then and now. I've learned that I was a real bitch back then. That I had a lot of hate inside me. That I bottled a lot of what I felt up inside me and never let anyone close enough to help ease it from my mind. I've learned that even though I've changed some I NEED to change more to be a better person. I also learned that nobody can do this for me I HAVE to do this for myself

Things don't just go away easily I learned also. It festers sometimes for months sometimes for years. When it festers that long it is hard to forgive someone. Learning from mistakes is hard but nobody said life was easy. When you learn you become wiser and when you become wise you can pass that wisdom on to others who might need to understand more.

My biggest lesson was that lying no matter how small it is no matter how big as well. It still hurts to some degree. You can sit and tell yourself that you regret it but if YOU never apologize then that is meaningless to the person you hurt. When and if you apologize it's not the last step for you to take. You have to prove that you really do mean it. You can't just say it then go on with what you were doing. This is my opinion and maybe I'm wrong but to me in my mind it is right. Lying is hurtful, lying can do more harm than good. Learning to deal with what happens and what you've said and how to handle apologizing is a big deal to many that you may have hurt.

   In the end of these last five weeks I've learned that being forgiven lifts a heavy burden off your shoulders. It also lifts a burden off the other person as well. Being open and honest and truly sorry for what you do helps lift that burden and lead you to the building of a bridge. One that could be there for the rest of your lives. If you want that then you must do what you think is best but it doesn't stop with you. They have to accept and build that bridge with you. Don't let the past affect the future because if you do you'll never be truly at peace with yourself. No matter what you think of the person the olive branch is the first step and if they take it you and they take it from there....one step at a time.

  I'll right again when I feel like it.  I don't know when that will be and right now I'm not sure if it'll be soon or weeks more. We'll see. For now peace, love, joy, Happiness,

Katty Kat

PS- It's been a very very long 5 weeks of dealing with more than just what I wrote about. Maybe I'll write a part 2.