Everyone,
Feeling like I'm worthless has always been something that I felt a lot lately. I know others can understand and will understand what I've thought about. I just want to be normal. Why can't I do what others want me to do? Why do I still cry? Why do I feel like I'm alone? Will it get better?
I'm 21 I should be used to feeling like dirt. Feeling like what I do isn't good enough. Honestly, I'm not used to it. I'm just wanting to find a peace in myself. I've been thinking dark things that will only put me into more trouble and I guess I just want to pull myself out.
What got me so down and out today was a fight with my sister. Same old same old. She's 20 thinks she knows how I feel how I think. Sorry to tell her she really doesn't. She doesn't know what her words do to me either. Worst of all I feel like this on my little sister's 13th birthday. Which makes me feel like I'm failing her by not putting on a big smile and being happy. I'm not happy is the problem. I'm in a foul mood that I don't want to be in and it sucks. Sucks so much that I was going to hide all day but then Angel would be very mad at me for missing her birthday celebrations. So I decided I'd come over and spend some time relaxing and writing. Maybe that will put me in a better mood? I don't know if it will. I just hope that it will.
I guess one good thing about everything is that Ms. Cherie helped me to start writing again. She sent me a blank form for characters. I've got everything planned out and I've been sitting with my characters letting them take form again in my mind. Deep Hunger is what I titled it over a year ago when I first started writing it. At that time I wasn't blogging I wasn't reading any blogs. So a bit of it is dark and I guess you could say heartless or from the heart. I feel like I'm in the dark. Like I am alone. Like my family is out to hurt me for just trying to be me.
I've wrote a good bit of the story in the last few days and I really enjoy it perhaps it's not something anyone will want to read but, it is something that I wish to write about. I also started one a few months back titled Cape Shadows. It's a shifter novel or it's supposed to be anyways. I'll get to that one once I at least finish about half of Deep Hunger. I want to find out how this is going to shape up.
I'm being very vague about my thoughts on the matter because I don't have all my thoughts processed and honestly I don't want to process them all. I hate feeling like I am failing. I also hate crying when it comes to my hurt feelings. I always have hidden the tears from others as well. I don't like to show that I cry. Some might think that is showing that I have no feelings at all. They'd be wrong about that. I have feelings. I'm a person just like everyone else. I've been around long enough to know that everything happens for a reason but, right now I just want to know what the fucking hell the reason is this time for this happening today.
Peace & Love,
Kat
This is just me figuring out some things in my life. Sharing the things in my life both past and present. Some are leading up to the present and some of the past affects how I live my life today. This blog is not for people who are faint of heart. So if you have a problem with honesty and Bisexuality and Gays and Lesbians then you don't need to read this blog. Oh yes and many thanks to Matt from the blog 2 boys In Love. He gave me the idea for my blog with the Mini-Adult!
Embrace The Rainbow
Embrace The Rainbow
I'm sorry you are hurting, hugs
ReplyDeleteIvie ~Hugs tightly~ Hard not to hurt sometimes. With some things it gets harder not to want to cry. You are a little bit older than I am younger than my mother but older than I am. You've lived more. I just feel sometimes that others expect to much or the same thing.
DeleteAwww Lil' Sis alls I can say is *hugz* and to tell you that it will get better. Trite and cliche I know, but it will. Just keep on holding on okay? You don't have to be happy if you're not happy. Be truthful, be you and if you're not feeling it, just tell people you're not feeling it. You can do more harm to yourself by faking it than by being real. Trust me, I know. I still love you though and I'm glad that Cherie gave you something to help you with your writing.
ReplyDelete~Hugs him tightly and whispers~ I'm not happy. I feel low and under. I won't lie I was so low I thought of cutting again then I thought of Ivie and Mores and you and others and all I could do was ball. I love you Big brother.
DeleteCherie is amazing and that is the one thing I was happy over. My writing is taking off a bit.
Lucy/Kat,
ReplyDeleteI know about cutting. I used to cut. The relief I used to get from that? I get from my writing now. And I'm glad those writing forms helped. We'll have to tell JL how much she's helped us all, right? She's awfully good peeps. Like you and my sweet Vic. *shhh* Don't let the Vic know I called him sweet. I can't help it though, he's a great lil'bro. If you need any more help with your writing, my door's open to you, hon. Anytime.
About the rest of it? I'm sorry you're hurting. Rilke (amazing poet and writer) says it doesn't matter if others like what you write. It only matters if in the still hours of the night you find that you *must* write. If you *must*, then you are a writer.
Hang on, baby. It does get better. I hope you can feel me hugging you. Cause that's what I'm doing right now.
I've cut since I was 16 years old. Last time was a few months ago. I get relief from writing or reading the blogs. I started drawing again after I got the form you sent me too. I sat there thinking about my characters and realized I hadn't been drawing like I used too. So I started that again I'll have to take some pictures of the hearts I drew and post them up.
Delete~Hugs you tight~ I feel it in my heart Cherie. Aww shoot I'm not even going to pretend that there is dust in my eyes or onions are around.