Most people don't know that the biggest thing that can turn me on is a person's eyes. Now my partners know this & we talk about why I like eyes and eye color so much.
First of all eye color has always been a thing for me that I look for the most. Take for example my eyes. My eyes are blue, with green tints, and a couple brown speckles on the lower part of my eye coloring. I've taken pictures where my make-up is all done up. Sometimes I look like I have full green eyes BUT, I don't. Sometimes I look as though I have a light blue eye color, again I don't. I always want to get a closer look at my eyes and I see the blue the green and the little bit of brown. I love my eyes because they are just a part of me.
My niece's eyes are blue but to me they look blueish-grey. I really can't tell but I love the darker outer ring of blue then the light blue which makes it look grey to me.
One of my partners has deep grey/black eyes. I mean they are really dark grey to the point I've nicknamed him "Black eyes". He could make me just melt with those eyes of his. ~Happy sigh~ Yummy just Yummy!
I've always loved looking at the eyes and the color of them this didn't just pop up out of the blue. You see I have always found eyes to be like the window into a person's soul. The eye color is something that I haven't figured out yet why it makes me smile and analyze what Ii am seeing.
I think there is no certain eye color that gets to me deep down BUT, all my partners have a different color to their eyes. I plan on looking into them A LOT! So when I do I'll tell you my thoughts on each of their eye colors. Until then we'll see if I can't figure out some eye colors that I find smexy as hell!
Lots of love & Kisses!!
This is just me figuring out some things in my life. Sharing the things in my life both past and present. Some are leading up to the present and some of the past affects how I live my life today. This blog is not for people who are faint of heart. So if you have a problem with honesty and Bisexuality and Gays and Lesbians then you don't need to read this blog. Oh yes and many thanks to Matt from the blog 2 boys In Love. He gave me the idea for my blog with the Mini-Adult!
Embrace The Rainbow
Embrace The Rainbow
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Friday, June 8, 2012
Dark Hungers
Dark hunger holds me into place as a slow deep lust builds up inside of me no one knows this feeling is inside of me. No one knows that it comes up every time the word slut comes out of their mouth. I lust for blood so rich and deep red. To see it pour would make me the happiest person alive. Richness of the blood is determined by why you want it to begin with. Lust for death in a person makes the blood tainted. So the richness of this blood is tainted due to what I want. You might ask all the things that you think you need to know but you can never truly tell if I am telling everything when it comes to the blood lust of my hatred.
Must I start with the beginning of life before I had the lust for blood? I was human once just like you are now. Was the happiest little bitch in the world but I was bitter with my parents my family my blood family. Everyone always told me I was stupid I was born Jaid Roxy McNeil in Feb. 18th of 1774. Being the daughter of a wealthy shipyard owner wasn’t the easiest thing in the world. My mother was a proper lady so unlike myself that I have always had a hatred for her. Siblings where always there I love the youngest brother and sister to death never will I drain their blood like I wish to of the other three of my siblings. I was 20 years old and still living at home. A man from my childhood had been offering for my hand for quite some time now. I did not want that kind of life which my mother had. Simple with no adventures no life of her own except through her children. I was determined to lose the interest of this boy-man no matter what it took.
My father had been pushing me to marry for nearly four years. I had no one that suited my fancy, the boys where just that boys. I wanted a man who knew how to have fun and have a blast and could make me smile and make me happy. This was going to be a long few months for me. I had reached the part of my life where I was restless. My family had not wanted their first child to be a girl. I felt unloved and always was I the one who tried to please my family. So in order to starve them out and make them let me have my own life I went out in public with this boy-man.
I noticed that on our horseback riding trips in the park that he was always looking around seeming as if someone else was watching us other than the people that I could see. Jealousy is a bad evil when it comes to men and women. I think I would have been alright if I had never agreed to go with this boy-man. Balls and parties were dull yet the dresses I wore made me feel like a queen. This boy-man never got to fill my dance card at any of the dances we went to it was improper to do so and not be engaged. My cousin and younger brother had the first dance always and the last. This was fine by me because I had no intention of marrying the fool who could not strike a conversation up with me. I had a brain and I knew how to use it.
On such an event I noticed someone I had never seen before. His skin was paler than that of the others around. He held an alluring air about him but it felt dangerous to seek his affections. So I being the young lady that I am wanted that danger. I walked up near this tall handsome man and curtsied. “How do you do Sir?” He just looked at me his deep golden eyes held mine I had never seen eyes this color before they transfixed me. “Young lady, you should be dancing with the young boy you always dance with at these events. He seems more your type don’t you think?” I just nodded and ran off to the gardens tears in my eyes not understanding what made me even go over to that man. I ran into the boy-man then with another young maiden. They were kissing and all I could think to say was “Well this is why it’d never be because I do not love you and you cannot be true.” He just looked up and smirked and went back to what he was doing so I went further into the gardens the maze was close. Slipping into the maze was something of a challenge for that night I had a deep purple ball gown on that made it hard to breathe. I told my mother they were trying to kill me with these contraptions but they just laughed and sent me on my way.
Getting to the middle of the maze was rather tougher than when I was in my normal attire and could breathe easier than I could at this point in time. Jerking on the corset that was tight on my body I loosened it to where I was able to take deeper breaths comfortably. This caused no problems until I heard a voice “Do you not think that is improper for a young lady such as yourself?” I turned and looked up into the deep golden eyes I had seen just moments before and gulped softly before replying “I don’t care if it is improper I want to be able to breathe not suffocate under all this hot fabric. Men think it is easy to go riding or to balls in this stuff for us it is not so easy. Now if you’ll excuse me I should be getting back to the party.” Turning I didn’t even see his hand grab mine and pull me hard up against his body struggling to get free I felt his breath on my neck so cold yet it thrilled me. He let me go and upon release I just stood there. He lifted my hand to his lips and kissed it, so electrifying to me.
“You my dear have held my eye for nearly five years. It is time to claim you as mine will you do me the honors of becoming my bride this night?” I froze as this was the first time I ever saw him in my life I whispered so softly “I have only just met you. If you want my hand you must ask my father if he gives his permission then I shall marry you.” He presses his lips to my knuckles once again and simply replies “I will have you no matter his answer be prepared to be mine, little one.” He disappears through the maze and I soon follow all I want is to get home to see if that is where he will be. Getting to my parents’ home was a very long ride back my brother not wishing to leave so my cousin had to leave with me instead. He knew the person that I had stepped up to and whispered softly in my ear “He will treat you like the woman you wish to be. You will have everything that you ever need or want but it has a price my dearest cousin. I love you and this life of the night for me suits me just fine but I doubt it will for you.” I stare up at him only asking him what he means and he just tells me that I must be prepared for a lot of changes. Upon arrival I notice a black horse tied up by the reins and just smile as the horse is the one my cousin owns and sometimes rides to the house at night when he visits. Stepping out of the carriage with the help of my cousin I find my father coming out and taking me roughly by the arm yelling “How could you snub the richest man in the country for a rake who has all but ruined you already!!” My cousin grips his arm roughly and forces him away from me and glares ready for a fight I try to dodge the two but my mother is blocking my way. I loathe them yet I have no wish to watch this fight. Hearing my cousin speaking is refreshing “You ever lay a hand on her again and you will not just have him to deal with you will have me as well. He loves her has for five years! He has come to you since she was 15 years of age for her hand and you have refused. He has been faithful to her and her alone these last five years. Yet you still have said no. She would be more than loved she would be worshiped and held dear for the rest of their lives.” Amazed that my cousin would buck up to my father I just stare at them for the longest time until I am placed back into the carriage and taken to a place I have never been before.
Deep into the forests we went until we got to another carriage and stopped. I was so scared of what was going on I had never ran away from my family before no matter how many times I had thought about it. The man that had asked for my hand got out of that deep blue carriage and swung me up into his arms crushing me tight to his body. There in that moment I felt whole and finally free to be who I was. No one could pry me away from my fate. The only time one has made me feel so loved so needed. "I will marry you on two more conditions. You have my cousins approval. You also must let me get to know you." He just grins at me and tilts his head slightly before walking me towards my cousin and placing my hand in his. I look between them and smile. My family be damned this is where I belonged and should have been for years. It is where I would be for years to come. Though I had not known it at the time. "It shall do you well to know that my name is Soraz. I do not wish to wait but for you my dear Jadie I will." I found my head spinning with the thoughts of getting to know him and that he was willing. Although I still held a dark hunger in me from the betrayal of my parents not allowing one to court me but others to. My cousin Andrew kept ahold of my hand and whispered. "It is time for I to take you home my dear." I looked at him paniked I wasn't going back to my parents! "I am not going home I rather die than go back to my parents!" Andrew tilted his head and laughed softly. "My dear cousin, I meant my home which is now yours until such a time you get to know Soraz. It is only fair to allow you the right. I will go back in this night and have your father sign you over to me and get some of your clothes. Though I dare say some will already be ruined by the time I get there." I could only nod and frown at the thought of those gowns I have come to cherish destoried by those closest to me. Well wouldn't be the first time won't be the last I look at Andrew. "If they tore up the blue silk dress just bring the scrapes and things and other gowns to me I'll fix whatever they tear up. No need in having you buy more for me when I can fix them myself." Andrew nodded and placed me in the blue carriage and looked at the driver. "Take her to my home and don't you dare tell anyone she is there for at least an hour and a half. I need to get her things I'll be home shortly." Andrew hopped up into the saddle of his horse and rode off back to my parents as the blue carriage pulled away with Soraz and I in it I blinked and wondered if my cousin meant for him to come along. I stayed on the one seat and watched my one hero and the one who wished to call me his and smiled softly. He looked at me and grinned "You know it is alright to speak with me. Open your mind to me and your mouth you shall find that we will have some things in common others we shall not.
I wasn't scared or afraid just worried of saying the wrong thing. "What if you do not like what I have to say?" I was mad still over what he said at the ball about that idiot boy-man. I had my pride and my fears. Though without anything really holding me back I'd enjoy getting to know him. Though I fear that this may take awhile. Though my heart is already fond of this near stranger. Though I had never been to my cousin's place before I knew that it was only a matter of time before I did get to see his place finally. I was dreaming up what it would look like before it ever came into view. "If I didn't like what you had to say I'd have to say something about it. Also ask you why you feel that way or why you think that way." I snapped out of my dreaming and smiled weakly. "You rejected me tonight. I thought you appealing and no one had ever drawn me in like you did. I ran out of the ball and found that idiot with another because of you. I am glad though that I did. I would never of known you had seen me for years and asked for my hand for five years." He chuckled and shook his head slightly. "My dearest Jaidie you still do not remember me do you?" I blinked as that was the second time he called me Jaidie no one but one had called me that for years. "Soray?" He laughed nodding. "That's my Jaidie. Yes it's Soray although no one has called me that since you were a mere child." I huffed and kicked him in his shin. "I wasn't a child, Soray!"
He laughed even though he winced. "Of course not, Jaidie. Of course not." We had stopped moving I hadn't noticed until the door to the carriage was pulled open. "Come with me Miss. McNeil, you need to be taken to the study so you and Mister. Antepua can speak more." I nodded and took the hand offered to me the man helped me out of the carriage with ease and I moved slowly looking at the country home of my cousin's and just grinned. It was what I pictured for Andrew. It was simple and out of the way of the society we were apart of. I walked towards the doors and they opened slowly of there own accord. I've never been afraid of those sorts of things and I was lead into the home and down the hall to the study. Soraz was right behind me watching me of that I was certain. I sat in one of the lovely chairs and waited for him to sit as well. "You still have no idea do you Jaidie? Of why I wish to marry you? Why I am known as a Rake?" I just blinked and whispered. "I made a promise of my heart long ago. I knew you then as I hope to know you again. I knew what you were and how you were. You were far older than me even then although you and I both know that really you are much older than even my parents know." He smirked then at the mention of ages. "That my dear Jaidie is something only you, Andrew and I know of and that is the only ones besides the one Andrew chooses for his own one day. Our children and his will know as well when they come. So on and so forth down the line. Yet, there will be secrets even from them." I smiled and stood slowly and walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his waist in a simple hug. I had done it often as a child and found it comforting now. "You were always a vampire but you showed up to me as a teen vampire just as Andrew was. You were my first and only friend other than my cousin. I am glad that you asked for my hand but, my parents should have told you yes." I grinned as I knew that we had a lot of catching up to do. Only time could help fill in the missing years from my childhood till now. "Why did they say no though for five years?" He shook his head. "They think me a defiler of the pure souls. They thought I would toss you away when you gave me everything I wanted." He snorted and laughed aloud. "They just do not know about what I have felt for these last years without knowing you but through Andrew." I smiled and nodded as I pulled back and sat in my seat once more. "So they feared you would throw me away. What fools even I know you have more tastes. You would have kept me regardless of tiring of me." He laughed again and shook his head slowly. "Ah my dearest Jaidie, I would have kept you because you are worth keeping and you are the only one I have loved my whole life. It is time for me to prove that. I shall let you get to know me and then when you do. I will expect you to tell me to ask for your hand from Andrew. Do we understand eachother?" I could only nod as there were no words of what he said made me feel.
I was waiting on my cousin and was talking to the man I was already half in love with. What in the world was going on with me? Why was I really even here? Well simple answer was there was a man that truly wanted to be with me. I just hoped and prayed that my parents didn't do anything to hurt my cousin. I wasn't to scared that he couldn't handle himself. Just scared that they would try to harm him and that would make me very mad. There hasn't been a time in the past that I hadn't seen my cousin bruised by my father. We were about the same age or so I had thought at this point in time. There isn't a day that goes by that my cousin hasn't been there to protect me and that made me smile. I was so lost in thought that I didn't hear the yelling coming from upstairs or the footsteps that were getting closer to the door. That was until Soraz jerked me close to his side and whispers "You are about to meet the man that is related to you and your cousin. Be on guard hmm?" I could only nod and blink as I watched the door come open. The man standing there looked like my cousin but, he was darker in complexion and older in a way. Silvery blonde hair came down his back I'd guess he was about 6'6" perhaps and there were scars on his neck and one down his left cheek. I had heard stories of this man from my father and mother. How he couldn't be "trusted" around us girls because he was a rake unlike any other they had seen. Now looking at him I wonder why they really kept us away from him. Perhaps they didn't want us to learn the truth about who our real father was. I would learn this in just a few short moments that his father had fathered me and two of my sisters long before the man I called father was ever in the picture. The family men were called rakes because of that one man who was a true rake and an asshole.
You see I don't know how many words this is and honestly I've only added a few more things to this since last year when I first posted it. I think it isn't up to par but for now I'm just going with what my crazy mind comes up with. I find myself fuming over my writing and I just wanted to share what I have so far. Won't share anymore until it is firmly half way finished. It's not even close to being done. Plus there is at least two more books "Dead Hunger" & "Soul Hunger" are the titles I'm thinking on in my head we'll see. As you can tell this is an M/F book but "Dead Hunger" is going to be an M/M. I'm not exactly sure about "Soul Hunger" just yet.
Must I start with the beginning of life before I had the lust for blood? I was human once just like you are now. Was the happiest little bitch in the world but I was bitter with my parents my family my blood family. Everyone always told me I was stupid I was born Jaid Roxy McNeil in Feb. 18th of 1774. Being the daughter of a wealthy shipyard owner wasn’t the easiest thing in the world. My mother was a proper lady so unlike myself that I have always had a hatred for her. Siblings where always there I love the youngest brother and sister to death never will I drain their blood like I wish to of the other three of my siblings. I was 20 years old and still living at home. A man from my childhood had been offering for my hand for quite some time now. I did not want that kind of life which my mother had. Simple with no adventures no life of her own except through her children. I was determined to lose the interest of this boy-man no matter what it took.
My father had been pushing me to marry for nearly four years. I had no one that suited my fancy, the boys where just that boys. I wanted a man who knew how to have fun and have a blast and could make me smile and make me happy. This was going to be a long few months for me. I had reached the part of my life where I was restless. My family had not wanted their first child to be a girl. I felt unloved and always was I the one who tried to please my family. So in order to starve them out and make them let me have my own life I went out in public with this boy-man.
I noticed that on our horseback riding trips in the park that he was always looking around seeming as if someone else was watching us other than the people that I could see. Jealousy is a bad evil when it comes to men and women. I think I would have been alright if I had never agreed to go with this boy-man. Balls and parties were dull yet the dresses I wore made me feel like a queen. This boy-man never got to fill my dance card at any of the dances we went to it was improper to do so and not be engaged. My cousin and younger brother had the first dance always and the last. This was fine by me because I had no intention of marrying the fool who could not strike a conversation up with me. I had a brain and I knew how to use it.
On such an event I noticed someone I had never seen before. His skin was paler than that of the others around. He held an alluring air about him but it felt dangerous to seek his affections. So I being the young lady that I am wanted that danger. I walked up near this tall handsome man and curtsied. “How do you do Sir?” He just looked at me his deep golden eyes held mine I had never seen eyes this color before they transfixed me. “Young lady, you should be dancing with the young boy you always dance with at these events. He seems more your type don’t you think?” I just nodded and ran off to the gardens tears in my eyes not understanding what made me even go over to that man. I ran into the boy-man then with another young maiden. They were kissing and all I could think to say was “Well this is why it’d never be because I do not love you and you cannot be true.” He just looked up and smirked and went back to what he was doing so I went further into the gardens the maze was close. Slipping into the maze was something of a challenge for that night I had a deep purple ball gown on that made it hard to breathe. I told my mother they were trying to kill me with these contraptions but they just laughed and sent me on my way.
Getting to the middle of the maze was rather tougher than when I was in my normal attire and could breathe easier than I could at this point in time. Jerking on the corset that was tight on my body I loosened it to where I was able to take deeper breaths comfortably. This caused no problems until I heard a voice “Do you not think that is improper for a young lady such as yourself?” I turned and looked up into the deep golden eyes I had seen just moments before and gulped softly before replying “I don’t care if it is improper I want to be able to breathe not suffocate under all this hot fabric. Men think it is easy to go riding or to balls in this stuff for us it is not so easy. Now if you’ll excuse me I should be getting back to the party.” Turning I didn’t even see his hand grab mine and pull me hard up against his body struggling to get free I felt his breath on my neck so cold yet it thrilled me. He let me go and upon release I just stood there. He lifted my hand to his lips and kissed it, so electrifying to me.
“You my dear have held my eye for nearly five years. It is time to claim you as mine will you do me the honors of becoming my bride this night?” I froze as this was the first time I ever saw him in my life I whispered so softly “I have only just met you. If you want my hand you must ask my father if he gives his permission then I shall marry you.” He presses his lips to my knuckles once again and simply replies “I will have you no matter his answer be prepared to be mine, little one.” He disappears through the maze and I soon follow all I want is to get home to see if that is where he will be. Getting to my parents’ home was a very long ride back my brother not wishing to leave so my cousin had to leave with me instead. He knew the person that I had stepped up to and whispered softly in my ear “He will treat you like the woman you wish to be. You will have everything that you ever need or want but it has a price my dearest cousin. I love you and this life of the night for me suits me just fine but I doubt it will for you.” I stare up at him only asking him what he means and he just tells me that I must be prepared for a lot of changes. Upon arrival I notice a black horse tied up by the reins and just smile as the horse is the one my cousin owns and sometimes rides to the house at night when he visits. Stepping out of the carriage with the help of my cousin I find my father coming out and taking me roughly by the arm yelling “How could you snub the richest man in the country for a rake who has all but ruined you already!!” My cousin grips his arm roughly and forces him away from me and glares ready for a fight I try to dodge the two but my mother is blocking my way. I loathe them yet I have no wish to watch this fight. Hearing my cousin speaking is refreshing “You ever lay a hand on her again and you will not just have him to deal with you will have me as well. He loves her has for five years! He has come to you since she was 15 years of age for her hand and you have refused. He has been faithful to her and her alone these last five years. Yet you still have said no. She would be more than loved she would be worshiped and held dear for the rest of their lives.” Amazed that my cousin would buck up to my father I just stare at them for the longest time until I am placed back into the carriage and taken to a place I have never been before.
Deep into the forests we went until we got to another carriage and stopped. I was so scared of what was going on I had never ran away from my family before no matter how many times I had thought about it. The man that had asked for my hand got out of that deep blue carriage and swung me up into his arms crushing me tight to his body. There in that moment I felt whole and finally free to be who I was. No one could pry me away from my fate. The only time one has made me feel so loved so needed. "I will marry you on two more conditions. You have my cousins approval. You also must let me get to know you." He just grins at me and tilts his head slightly before walking me towards my cousin and placing my hand in his. I look between them and smile. My family be damned this is where I belonged and should have been for years. It is where I would be for years to come. Though I had not known it at the time. "It shall do you well to know that my name is Soraz. I do not wish to wait but for you my dear Jadie I will." I found my head spinning with the thoughts of getting to know him and that he was willing. Although I still held a dark hunger in me from the betrayal of my parents not allowing one to court me but others to. My cousin Andrew kept ahold of my hand and whispered. "It is time for I to take you home my dear." I looked at him paniked I wasn't going back to my parents! "I am not going home I rather die than go back to my parents!" Andrew tilted his head and laughed softly. "My dear cousin, I meant my home which is now yours until such a time you get to know Soraz. It is only fair to allow you the right. I will go back in this night and have your father sign you over to me and get some of your clothes. Though I dare say some will already be ruined by the time I get there." I could only nod and frown at the thought of those gowns I have come to cherish destoried by those closest to me. Well wouldn't be the first time won't be the last I look at Andrew. "If they tore up the blue silk dress just bring the scrapes and things and other gowns to me I'll fix whatever they tear up. No need in having you buy more for me when I can fix them myself." Andrew nodded and placed me in the blue carriage and looked at the driver. "Take her to my home and don't you dare tell anyone she is there for at least an hour and a half. I need to get her things I'll be home shortly." Andrew hopped up into the saddle of his horse and rode off back to my parents as the blue carriage pulled away with Soraz and I in it I blinked and wondered if my cousin meant for him to come along. I stayed on the one seat and watched my one hero and the one who wished to call me his and smiled softly. He looked at me and grinned "You know it is alright to speak with me. Open your mind to me and your mouth you shall find that we will have some things in common others we shall not.
I wasn't scared or afraid just worried of saying the wrong thing. "What if you do not like what I have to say?" I was mad still over what he said at the ball about that idiot boy-man. I had my pride and my fears. Though without anything really holding me back I'd enjoy getting to know him. Though I fear that this may take awhile. Though my heart is already fond of this near stranger. Though I had never been to my cousin's place before I knew that it was only a matter of time before I did get to see his place finally. I was dreaming up what it would look like before it ever came into view. "If I didn't like what you had to say I'd have to say something about it. Also ask you why you feel that way or why you think that way." I snapped out of my dreaming and smiled weakly. "You rejected me tonight. I thought you appealing and no one had ever drawn me in like you did. I ran out of the ball and found that idiot with another because of you. I am glad though that I did. I would never of known you had seen me for years and asked for my hand for five years." He chuckled and shook his head slightly. "My dearest Jaidie you still do not remember me do you?" I blinked as that was the second time he called me Jaidie no one but one had called me that for years. "Soray?" He laughed nodding. "That's my Jaidie. Yes it's Soray although no one has called me that since you were a mere child." I huffed and kicked him in his shin. "I wasn't a child, Soray!"
He laughed even though he winced. "Of course not, Jaidie. Of course not." We had stopped moving I hadn't noticed until the door to the carriage was pulled open. "Come with me Miss. McNeil, you need to be taken to the study so you and Mister. Antepua can speak more." I nodded and took the hand offered to me the man helped me out of the carriage with ease and I moved slowly looking at the country home of my cousin's and just grinned. It was what I pictured for Andrew. It was simple and out of the way of the society we were apart of. I walked towards the doors and they opened slowly of there own accord. I've never been afraid of those sorts of things and I was lead into the home and down the hall to the study. Soraz was right behind me watching me of that I was certain. I sat in one of the lovely chairs and waited for him to sit as well. "You still have no idea do you Jaidie? Of why I wish to marry you? Why I am known as a Rake?" I just blinked and whispered. "I made a promise of my heart long ago. I knew you then as I hope to know you again. I knew what you were and how you were. You were far older than me even then although you and I both know that really you are much older than even my parents know." He smirked then at the mention of ages. "That my dear Jaidie is something only you, Andrew and I know of and that is the only ones besides the one Andrew chooses for his own one day. Our children and his will know as well when they come. So on and so forth down the line. Yet, there will be secrets even from them." I smiled and stood slowly and walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his waist in a simple hug. I had done it often as a child and found it comforting now. "You were always a vampire but you showed up to me as a teen vampire just as Andrew was. You were my first and only friend other than my cousin. I am glad that you asked for my hand but, my parents should have told you yes." I grinned as I knew that we had a lot of catching up to do. Only time could help fill in the missing years from my childhood till now. "Why did they say no though for five years?" He shook his head. "They think me a defiler of the pure souls. They thought I would toss you away when you gave me everything I wanted." He snorted and laughed aloud. "They just do not know about what I have felt for these last years without knowing you but through Andrew." I smiled and nodded as I pulled back and sat in my seat once more. "So they feared you would throw me away. What fools even I know you have more tastes. You would have kept me regardless of tiring of me." He laughed again and shook his head slowly. "Ah my dearest Jaidie, I would have kept you because you are worth keeping and you are the only one I have loved my whole life. It is time for me to prove that. I shall let you get to know me and then when you do. I will expect you to tell me to ask for your hand from Andrew. Do we understand eachother?" I could only nod as there were no words of what he said made me feel.
I was waiting on my cousin and was talking to the man I was already half in love with. What in the world was going on with me? Why was I really even here? Well simple answer was there was a man that truly wanted to be with me. I just hoped and prayed that my parents didn't do anything to hurt my cousin. I wasn't to scared that he couldn't handle himself. Just scared that they would try to harm him and that would make me very mad. There hasn't been a time in the past that I hadn't seen my cousin bruised by my father. We were about the same age or so I had thought at this point in time. There isn't a day that goes by that my cousin hasn't been there to protect me and that made me smile. I was so lost in thought that I didn't hear the yelling coming from upstairs or the footsteps that were getting closer to the door. That was until Soraz jerked me close to his side and whispers "You are about to meet the man that is related to you and your cousin. Be on guard hmm?" I could only nod and blink as I watched the door come open. The man standing there looked like my cousin but, he was darker in complexion and older in a way. Silvery blonde hair came down his back I'd guess he was about 6'6" perhaps and there were scars on his neck and one down his left cheek. I had heard stories of this man from my father and mother. How he couldn't be "trusted" around us girls because he was a rake unlike any other they had seen. Now looking at him I wonder why they really kept us away from him. Perhaps they didn't want us to learn the truth about who our real father was. I would learn this in just a few short moments that his father had fathered me and two of my sisters long before the man I called father was ever in the picture. The family men were called rakes because of that one man who was a true rake and an asshole.
You see I don't know how many words this is and honestly I've only added a few more things to this since last year when I first posted it. I think it isn't up to par but for now I'm just going with what my crazy mind comes up with. I find myself fuming over my writing and I just wanted to share what I have so far. Won't share anymore until it is firmly half way finished. It's not even close to being done. Plus there is at least two more books "Dead Hunger" & "Soul Hunger" are the titles I'm thinking on in my head we'll see. As you can tell this is an M/F book but "Dead Hunger" is going to be an M/M. I'm not exactly sure about "Soul Hunger" just yet.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Letter to.....
Everyone,
Feeling like I'm worthless has always been something that I felt a lot lately. I know others can understand and will understand what I've thought about. I just want to be normal. Why can't I do what others want me to do? Why do I still cry? Why do I feel like I'm alone? Will it get better?
I'm 21 I should be used to feeling like dirt. Feeling like what I do isn't good enough. Honestly, I'm not used to it. I'm just wanting to find a peace in myself. I've been thinking dark things that will only put me into more trouble and I guess I just want to pull myself out.
What got me so down and out today was a fight with my sister. Same old same old. She's 20 thinks she knows how I feel how I think. Sorry to tell her she really doesn't. She doesn't know what her words do to me either. Worst of all I feel like this on my little sister's 13th birthday. Which makes me feel like I'm failing her by not putting on a big smile and being happy. I'm not happy is the problem. I'm in a foul mood that I don't want to be in and it sucks. Sucks so much that I was going to hide all day but then Angel would be very mad at me for missing her birthday celebrations. So I decided I'd come over and spend some time relaxing and writing. Maybe that will put me in a better mood? I don't know if it will. I just hope that it will.
I guess one good thing about everything is that Ms. Cherie helped me to start writing again. She sent me a blank form for characters. I've got everything planned out and I've been sitting with my characters letting them take form again in my mind. Deep Hunger is what I titled it over a year ago when I first started writing it. At that time I wasn't blogging I wasn't reading any blogs. So a bit of it is dark and I guess you could say heartless or from the heart. I feel like I'm in the dark. Like I am alone. Like my family is out to hurt me for just trying to be me.
I've wrote a good bit of the story in the last few days and I really enjoy it perhaps it's not something anyone will want to read but, it is something that I wish to write about. I also started one a few months back titled Cape Shadows. It's a shifter novel or it's supposed to be anyways. I'll get to that one once I at least finish about half of Deep Hunger. I want to find out how this is going to shape up.
I'm being very vague about my thoughts on the matter because I don't have all my thoughts processed and honestly I don't want to process them all. I hate feeling like I am failing. I also hate crying when it comes to my hurt feelings. I always have hidden the tears from others as well. I don't like to show that I cry. Some might think that is showing that I have no feelings at all. They'd be wrong about that. I have feelings. I'm a person just like everyone else. I've been around long enough to know that everything happens for a reason but, right now I just want to know what the fucking hell the reason is this time for this happening today.
Peace & Love,
Kat
Feeling like I'm worthless has always been something that I felt a lot lately. I know others can understand and will understand what I've thought about. I just want to be normal. Why can't I do what others want me to do? Why do I still cry? Why do I feel like I'm alone? Will it get better?
I'm 21 I should be used to feeling like dirt. Feeling like what I do isn't good enough. Honestly, I'm not used to it. I'm just wanting to find a peace in myself. I've been thinking dark things that will only put me into more trouble and I guess I just want to pull myself out.
What got me so down and out today was a fight with my sister. Same old same old. She's 20 thinks she knows how I feel how I think. Sorry to tell her she really doesn't. She doesn't know what her words do to me either. Worst of all I feel like this on my little sister's 13th birthday. Which makes me feel like I'm failing her by not putting on a big smile and being happy. I'm not happy is the problem. I'm in a foul mood that I don't want to be in and it sucks. Sucks so much that I was going to hide all day but then Angel would be very mad at me for missing her birthday celebrations. So I decided I'd come over and spend some time relaxing and writing. Maybe that will put me in a better mood? I don't know if it will. I just hope that it will.
I guess one good thing about everything is that Ms. Cherie helped me to start writing again. She sent me a blank form for characters. I've got everything planned out and I've been sitting with my characters letting them take form again in my mind. Deep Hunger is what I titled it over a year ago when I first started writing it. At that time I wasn't blogging I wasn't reading any blogs. So a bit of it is dark and I guess you could say heartless or from the heart. I feel like I'm in the dark. Like I am alone. Like my family is out to hurt me for just trying to be me.
I've wrote a good bit of the story in the last few days and I really enjoy it perhaps it's not something anyone will want to read but, it is something that I wish to write about. I also started one a few months back titled Cape Shadows. It's a shifter novel or it's supposed to be anyways. I'll get to that one once I at least finish about half of Deep Hunger. I want to find out how this is going to shape up.
I'm being very vague about my thoughts on the matter because I don't have all my thoughts processed and honestly I don't want to process them all. I hate feeling like I am failing. I also hate crying when it comes to my hurt feelings. I always have hidden the tears from others as well. I don't like to show that I cry. Some might think that is showing that I have no feelings at all. They'd be wrong about that. I have feelings. I'm a person just like everyone else. I've been around long enough to know that everything happens for a reason but, right now I just want to know what the fucking hell the reason is this time for this happening today.
Peace & Love,
Kat
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