A bit about my struggle to come out....and what I realize now...what I hope for now....what I intend to change.

Not everything can be as everyone wishes it to be. Sometimes it can be hard to be Bisexual because people treat you as if you are an ifection that they won’t be able to get rid of. I’ve felt like that for years because I see how others that know nothing about me look at me. I enjoy the company of women both as friends and as a potencial lover for some. I used to hide myself because I didn’t know how to cope with it or how to change what I felt.

Sometimes people can’t change it and that is alright because it says. Hey I’m me for a reason. God didn’t make a mistake when he created me or the way I am. I thought about this a long time when I was first starting to come out. I thought about how god may turn away from me for being a “sinner” then I remembered the most important lesson god had given me. I am everything. I am the beginning and the end. I am life and I am death. I am hope and I am faith. I make no mistakes because my children are mine. I show you uncoditional love as a father should.

That is how I believe in god. I believe he is everything. God is everything so what does that mean? I’ve had fights with people over my beliefs because they told me I was wrong. That god couldn’t have possibly of made gay men or lesbian women or even bisexual men and women. I found it funny after I was out and proud of who I was. No matter what they sprout off at me I just laugh. They can damn me to hell. They can try to “force” a demon from my body. That will not change the fact of who I am not with myself. Not with my partners. Not with my family by blood. Sure as hell not with my adopted family. I am who I am for a reason. God did NOT make a mistake when he created me. For that matter god made no mistakes when he created any of us.

I know there are a lot of people who don’t touch on the sobject of religion because it pisses folks off. I understand why they do it because for starters I sure as hell wouldn’t want to deal with the people who would start to sprout off.

I believe in god that is by rights my choice. I believe perhaps differently than some people but, that does not mean my beliefs should be downgraded or ignored.

I was asked once upon a time if I was happy with who I was. I was about 15. I said no I wasn’t happy. It was because I was misunderstood and I was still hiding away from my truth. I was hiding myself away without taking into fact that it was just hurting me. I believed in god I wanted to keep to god’s teachings but, I learned I can still be myself and stick with my teachings.

I won’t pretend any longer. I’m an out and proud bisexual female who loves women just as much as she loves men. I have partners that are men. I’m not ashamed of that either. I’m open about myself and I try my hardest to stay that way. If I close off it’s because it is a subject that is either hard for me or something that hurts my feelings a bit. I’ve had to handle so many things in my life that I don’t wish to be hurt. So I shut down and close myself off from just about everyone.

Sometimes I will need a break from my own hardships and I’ll focus on something else. Like my drawing or my writing. I’m the only person who can open up and talk or shut down and stay closed off. That’s one of my issues in my life. I shut down on people and I know it’s a defesive part of me but, it’s going to have to go to a certain point. Because this isn’t just about who I am now it’s about who I want to become. I want to be a better person over all. That isn’t a new years resolution either. It’s a basic want of mine and a need.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

  Okay can everyone tell that I am excited for this new year? Well let's put it this way. New Year's Eve was filled with a lot of tears, a lot of hope, a lot of praying, and a lot of smiling once the new year rang in. I have never been so happy for a new year to ring in as I was for this one to ring in. This year I have my whole life ahead not because I wish it but because I want & need it.

  I've met a lot of new family members and friends since I started blogging and talking on GR. I've met people who have stood by me through thick and thin although I wanted to scream at them to go away. They were still there.

  My partners are still with me even though I tried to push them away from me. It didn't work they pushed back. I will always remember that I got something I've never had before. A family that loves me no matter what. Partners who try their hardest to keep me talking even when I want to ignore them and hide in my music & my writing && my drawing. My partners have not only put up with my stressing and taking it out on them even though it wasn't their fault but they stayed although I did nearly lose them all to me not being the Big little adult around.


My New Year's resolution & my new year's wish/wishes.

Resolution.
1. I plan to become the best person I can be.
2. I hope to become a published author
3. I want to see my partners all of them for the first time face to face this year.
4. I want happiness & love to never end
5. I want to be more open with my partners
6. I want to smile & laugh more than I ever have this year and the ones to come


Wishes
1. I wish for my partners happiness's
2. I wish and hope for my family's happiness (New family lol)
3. I hope that my friends find everything they are looking for & more so much more
4. I wished for peace and love to come to all the men and women I know in my life. They deserve that more than anything in this world.




  I vow that by the end of this year I plan to have all of that and anything extra will make me smile. I vow that this new year and all the ones to come will be filled with happiness & joy not only for me but for my partners and my family.




I love you all please just remember that. Life is what you make of it. You have to put in good things to get good things in return. You have to make the effort. Most of all you have to want it and grab it while you have your chance. Don't let it slip away!




  Hugs & Kisses && A whole lot of love & joy


  Lucy "Kat" Katherine N. (Ha! thought yall were going to get my last name didn't ya? Sorry not yet.)

Christmas Fun & The night after

  So let's see what I can tell everyone about my Christmas. Let's just say I got the most amazing gift in the world and then some. I got to talk to my sweetheart. Now I know I talk a lot about my partners & how they work a lot. Well Christmas started early for me. Starting with My Wild Fire and I talking a few days before Christmas. I find that Christmas this year was better than all the years before.

  I love a lot of men in my life and admit to that and the best gift of all is when I get to talk to them. I love them a lot and the best gift to date from them from all of them is just being able to chat with them. My mother has a thing of saying it's not real unless you are face to face. She's wrong so very very wrong. This is the third perhaps Christmas I've spent "Together" With my Sweetheart but yet Apart. It hurts but I love him. It's the third Christmas I spent apart from three of the partners I have and the second for some and the very first for some of my other partners BUT, it never gets any easier but it does get better.

  Each year around New Years I tell myself this is the last New Years I'll spend away from them. Yet, I never seem to make that happen. Well this year I'm not vowing that I am making it happen. This is the very Last New Years I am spending apart from my partners. Not because it's my wish BUT, because I am determined for it to be so.


  Okay I got off on one of my rambles but Christmas was good for my blood family and I until around 7:30 in the evening when someone just so happened to start fighting and yelling. My Lil Bro got a pool table the small portable ones damn is it fun! LOL. So I spent most of my Christmas playing pool with My Lil Sis and my Lil Bros, Both of them what a hellish day. We ate soon after the presents were opened and I was stuffed by the time the fighting started and I just couldn't be bothered to fight or argue.

  I hadn't been online all day and decided to see how Vic and everyone else's Christmas had gone that I could get a hold of. ~Snickers~ Oh the best present from my family I got was from My Big Bro Vic. I love his writing I love reading whatever he is posting up and most importantly I love him dearly. I'm going to say this. If he asked me what I would have wanted it would have been asking for his Christmas story for the Tate Pack. I loved it! More importantly it was one gift that I wasn't expecting. (I got my daily dose of reading in and I gotta say it was damn fine reading!)


Okay, so the night after was a bit more depressing and saddening because I was running on empty by the time 6:30 of the 26th rolled around. Needless to say down the road there was a fire a trailer had caught fire by someone or something. I have to say I think someone started the fire. Needless to say that is why I've been gone until today. The fire knocked out the phone and internet until today. The phone company came out for two days and worked on it until today wow it's FIXED! The people who were moving into that trailer are fine they weren't there when the fire started nor did they come back until the next day. They did however lose a lot of their things but thank gods they didn't lose their lives.


  So everyone here is A-Okay. I'm fine the people down the road are fine and all is well in the world let's just hope that my New Years is amazing. (No drinking for me Thank you very much!) I'm just going to relax and stay up with the lil sis talking and also getting on MSN and talking to family and friends and MY PARTNERS! New Years is my time to wish them the best for 2012 and a Very Happy New Year's!



Don't worry I'm a bit UP in cheer right now I can't wait until the New Year nor can I wait to start writing again. 2012 is going to be the BEST year for me, for my friends, for my family, AND for my partners. I can feel it!!!!

Chirstmas Around the Corner

  So everyone knows that Christmas is just around the corner. I'm trying hard to find something to do to hide away from my blood family for the day. (Trust me I'm not ready to be fighting on a special day!) So let's see since it's going to be christmas soon I thought about all the things I wanted and I can honestly say it's small list this year.


List....
1. I want my adopted family happy for the next year
2. I want my friends to have a great new year a head of them
3. I want to find a violin (I love to work on music and that is the instrument of my choice.)
4. I want to be happy with my partners and talk to them on Christmas and New Years
5. I want to move to Tennessee this coming New Year

Not to much to wish and hope for is it? Nah it's really short and World Peace and End World Hunger isn't on there because I want that every year!

4 Reasons Why..........& A long bitchy story

Alright so I know I might have worried a few people with being away for quite a few days. I'm going to give a list of reasons why.


1. Ex-roommate (Oh yes I said EX)
2. I need some time to chill out from those problems
3. I don't want to take things out on others
4. I have limited computer time on my mother's desktop (She has college work needless to say for the rest of this week.)

  Alright to address the first reason why I ain't been online posting to many comments. It was Dec. 2nd the day after I got the stuff I needed to get done for heat and what not and everything done. I wanted to check to see if I could fix my laptops charger and went over to my parents. I had it out in words with my roommate a few minutes before going up. Now I did go back down to get some clothes about 2 pm EST. The door was locked FROM the inside. I knocked and knocked and got fed the hell up. (No key to unlock the door for any of us. The EX-roommate was inside anyways.) I went down to that little country store we have in my little small town. That was around 4 PM EST. I came back and went down again to get me some clothes. Can you guess were this is going. Door locked no answer from inside.


  Now I have a temper a really big temper. I came back up to my parents and grabbed one of those small hammers that a strong man could break. I went back down and knocked louder and again no answer. What do you think I did? ~Evil grin~ I'm a bitch...There WAS glass on the front door and when I got no answer I smashed the damn glass so I could get in. THAT was when the ex-roommate heard me. I find it absolutely idiotic that she heard glass breaking but couldn't hear me knocking quite loudly. She had jumped up and instantly started cussing me. Oh no no no no no no that is the biggest no no when I am already mad as hell about not getting to where everything I own is at.

  She is cussing me and telling me I had no right and said she wanted the cops called. This is about the time my mother gets down there. (I did have permission to break the window before doing it. My parents are the one that rent the place to begin with!) I still have the hammer in my hand and getting cussed and my temper is not in check. So I turn around and start cleaning up my mess getting all that glass out of the window of the door and she cussing me every breath. I am not fond of being yelled at and not fond of people telling me what I would and would not do if someone else was there. My father wasn't home and nither was the ex-roommate's boyfriend. Like I told her "Oh yes I would and I'll tell them both when they get back that I did it and why." I HATE being locked out of my place. She over stepped the boundaries by talking about me and my BIG pussy. ~Takes deep breath~ Oh yeah one I haven't had anything and won't until I move to Tennessee so one that was a hell "Bitch you are one to talk about BIG pussy...." But I didn't say anything I bit my tongue and turned and started doing what I was. (Hammer still in hand! Idiot! Don't insult a woman who has a weapon and will USE IT!)

  Pat, a friend from up the road stopped and the ex-roommate is screaming at her to call the police. At this time I am so fed up with her yelling I make sure Pat can hear me and say "Pat, don't worry you don't have to call the cops I will." I walked up to my parents house and dialed 911 and stayed at my parents house and held my niece to calm down fully. (Surprisingly she fell asleep in my arms and I was calmer.) Cops did come and asked me the problem and I told them. The ex-roommate was told that I had every right to be able to get into my home and to my things.

  Now I don't mind being told I ain't allowed to eat her food. I don't mind that I was told not to sit on her things. I don't mind that she was talking behind my back when I went down there to get some of my things after the cops left. I just could give a fuck less what she thinks of me. BUT, what I do mind is people who over step clear boundaries....My partners, My Love Life, Even my private parts are not something ANYONE needs to talk about or use to insult me. If you're grown enough to run your mouth at least be grown enough to know what you say. I am very evil when it comes to getting what I need done. I held it in and didn't hit her. But, I still had to go back the next day to get the REST of my belongings.



Dec. 3rd
   Don't think for a minute that I was going to wait for everything to blow over. I paid my fair share of rent and I had every right to go into that place. I waited until near dark because they were out doing gods knows what. I think that I would rather not know one little bit. I was going to let my father handle it but I needed to get everything that I owed so I went down to. No sooner than walking in she is ordering my father to tell me to get out? Can anyone say INSTANT pissed off mood! Kitty Kat was out and claws where sharp. If she had STAYED out of my face. She'd of been A-okay. I took so much of her yelling in my face before shoving her out of my face.

  She swung on me. Now I don't know about anyone else but, with me it is the biggest mistake in your life to swing at me even once. I've had to fight for 10 years to keep myself safe and unharmed. (Not always possible mind you but still.) She connected with my chest and I was more pissed off than before. Face okay hit me in the face that's alright but you won't get away with it. Hit me in the chest and I'm going to go for the other person's face not the chest. That is what I did. Now hair grabbing and pulling in a fight is a HELL NO. A big do not do it when I am fighting someone. She pulled my hair. I punched her all that much harder before yanking her hair to force her to let go. I am normally a sweet down to earth woman but, get on my bad side and you throw the first punch and I won't be so sweet.

  I don't know what it is with people getting in the middle of two fighting women but her boyfriend got in the middle. We had four rounds and she said something about my men AGAIN! I took it once but I'd be damned if I was going to take it more than that once. I pounced again. I am not one bit sorry I won't be sorry I don't regret it. She asked for every bit of what I gave to her. She screaming that we always treated her badly? Ding round three was on it's way to being up against her indian knick knacks. She grabbed the hair AGAIN! For gods sake I hate a bitch who can't fight with fists and has to grab hair to fight. I had it all I had was my fists and she wanted to grab hair alright then I'll show her who was the one coming out on top.

  After that round she tried to hit my mother. I know I don't like my mother but, when she wasn't even doing anything nobody is going to go after her. I shoved her into the kitchen and away from my mother and me. Now I said I didn't have any weapons but my fists well she picked up an old time cast iron skillet those really heavy ones. My sister walked in at just the right time to grab her around the arms when I had my back turned. I grabbed the skillet and tossed it back into the kitchen and swept her feet out from under her. I was getting tired of this idiot and just went to get my things. My father just let us fight it out. Tim..the ex-roommate's boyfriend was outside because he couldn't handle it. All I went down there for was my things. I got a lot more than that.

  I know this is a bad side of me but, honestly I don't know how to back down when someone is coming at me and screaming in my face and being warned I won't take it much longer. I was fair I didn't pick anything up on her to hit her with. All I hit her with were my fists. I am so tired of finding that people can be cruel when all you ever tried to do was do things that they asked of you. I cooked for her and watched her act like a child most nights with her man. I watched that very same man walk out the door to calm down after she had treated him poorly. Yet, I was the one who had done everything wrong in her eyes. I was the one who was lying. I don't think so. I put up with many many things in my life BUT, that is not one of them.

  I am always honest no matter what I do. I try every day to get up and smile. I would rather be happy than handle a 39 year old baby! Who when she doesn't get her way throws a fit and goes to her room to scream and pout and act like it's all someone elses fault but her own. I was raised to be respectful to people older than me. I learned that when the ones older than you don't give respect that they should not get it. Because they take advantage of you once you give them respect and an ounce of power. Not everyone is like that but some that I have met really are like that. I can't handle 25 and up adults acting like they want everyone to do everything for them. That isn't how the world works. You have to do things for yourself and stand on your own. It's nice when you can say that you can and that you don't have to do it all alone though.

  I want to have everything in order and right. I don't need to be treated like I'm a doormat and I won't be treated like that. I think everyone should know that. I can be sweet and kind and loving. Just never go to hit me and everything will be fine. Treat me the way you wish to be treated and I'll treat you the same. We all put our close on the same way. One leg at a time and one arm at a time.

Lists

  Interests.....
1. Reading
2. Writing
3. Drawing
4. Twitter
5. Blogs
6. Blogging
7. Spending time with my Partners
8. Painting
9. Poems
10. Writing poems & Stories




Fav. Authors
1. Vic!!!!!!
2. Nora Roberts
3. J K Rowling
4. Fern Michaels
5. A lot of others lol


Top three things about me to know
1. I love hard
2. I am a bit of a bitch when fucked with
3. I love to write poems & Stories && short stories


Fav. Music artist.
1. Lady GaGa (Yes I'm a bit of a fan!)
2. Pink
3. Black Eyed Peas
4. Beyonce
5. George Michael
6. Elton John (A little bit not to much anymore)
7. Shaina Twain
8. Toby Keith
9. Nelly (Sometimes)
10. Honestly I enjoy a lot of artists to a certain point.


Top Six types of music I listen to
1.Country
2. Pop
3. Rock & Roll
4. Rap
5. R & B
6. Hip Hop


  You see most times I don't know what to say so lists are the best things to do for me. I love music, I love art, I LOVE to write, I LOVE to read, and I love and enjoy a lot of other things.

Trusting...Real Life vs. Online

  Alright I have problems trusting people in real life. Yeah sure I'm always up to meeting new people in real life. Always ready to take on the toughest parts of my real everyday life but, trusting someone really trusting them with everything I have is hard.

  At first, when I wrote about my roommate and her boyfriend I said everything was going great. Until I found out that the roommate told something to My mother that was PRIVATE. Just between her and I. Excuse me bitch mood here but, I have to say it.

  When you are TRUSTED with INFORMATION that a person doesn't want THEIR PARENT knowing about YOU DO NOT under ANY way betray that trust!

  What is this over well I didn't want my mother knowing how many partners I had. Excuse me for living but, she DOESN'T need to be in the business of my fucking love life! Thta is why it is MY LOVE LIFE!!!

  I have that little problem of trust in real life because of a roommate before this one telling my mother EVERYTHING. I thought an older roommate wouldn't betray that trust. I was very oh so very wrong.

  Let's go into a bit of detail here on this. My roommate is 39 nearing 40 years of age. She's been around the block has five kids and three ex-husbands. I told her little things at first and my mother never came out with any of it. Now when I started borrowing her laptop after my laptop's screen busted she had no problem with it. Or so I thought.

  I was wondering how my mother would know the EXACT number of partners I had since the last time I spoke to her about them it was about 4 less than what it is today. I don't trust my mother, I don't trust my father. I DID however trust my roommate with information that would and could harm me if my mother was ever told. So when my mother says " Oh I hear you have_____ men now." (Sorry I trust yall but I don't want yall thinking badly of the number.) I was like WTF!?!?!?!?!?! Okay, so my mind goes through the only people to know that information. There is myself, my partners, my roommate and her boyfriend. My mother says my roommate told her. Is she lying? I don't think she is.

  Trust is improteant to me both in real life and online. I trust my friends online more than I do the people that are face to face with me constantly. Why? Because they can't lie straight to my face. Yeah people can still lie to me BUT if they do at least they ain't looking me in the eyes when they lie to me. Most of my online friends and family know about my partners and know how many I have. They don't put me down for it and they don't say that I am "Going against god."

  So online vs real life trusting. I trust more people online then I do face to face. The people I meet online don't try to make me feel bad about myself. Matter of fact they uplift me, support me, love me, care for me, and all around they are there for me no matter what I am going through.

  I know Ivan and Milo are busy but Iv has been checking on me for the past few weeks making sure I am okay. Making sure I ain't lost it due to my stress in real life. He's a big brother to me and he's one of the best.

  Vic loves and supports me even though he is so busy with his own life. He's an amazing big brother as well.

  Matt is a sweetheart of a little brother. I love and trust him Even with the most private things about myself.

  Brad is also the sweetheart little brother I have.I trust love and care about him a lot. He's never judged me and I am pretty sure he never will.

  Sid is family as well. I don't talk to him much these days BUT, he is still family.

  You see family even though it's through a computer I trust with heart and soul. They don't judge me and they don't care what is going on in my life as long as I am okay and safe and feeling alright. They only ask of me what I ask of them. Love, support, trust,  a little time to understand, Trust, caring, And SUPPORT! (I know support is in there twice it's because it is important. and Trust is as well. But it's ALL important!)



  Perhaps this is a bitchy post but I think trust is very important and I won't say I am sorry for saying what I did because I mean it. The trailer I live in is mine when it's paid off by my father. (That surprised the hell out of me but I think he doesn't want anyone else but, family living in the three trailers.) I don't want to live in that trailer for the rest of my life BUT, it's still mine. I've come close to saying something to my roommate tonight BUT you know what it's not even worth fighting over. She just lost my trust and she can't gain it back not after all the bithing she did to my mother and what she told to my mother. My personal life when it comes to my blood family is just that PERSONAL. It's not so much to ask for that someone give me the trust that I put in them. Oh wait she says I "Disappointed her." Okay perhaps this is a small bitchy thing to but she BETRAYED my trust and me! So her disappointment can be shoved up her ass. I do every fucking thing she asks of me and yet this is how I am repaid? My mother gets told something about my personal life and I am supposed to just forget about it right? WRONG!!!


  Okay I think my bitching is done hope it doesn't make any of you mad I don't want that I just needed a place to vent and give some shout outs to my family that I love that are all over this world!  Send me an email sometime Family I kinda just need some time away from myself but I'll answer some emails and blog a little bit.


  I think tomorrow I'll put up some lists that are important to me. (Some may be repeats Sorry!) I think I need a little bit of a uplifting post rather than a downer one. So I think that is what I'll do tomorrow night. At some point since I can only get on at night unless I go over to my parents and use there screen to get on my own laptop. (Which I did tonight! Thank you very much.) So talk to you later or well type at yall laters I think I am going to go hit the hay in another 20 minutes and just try to chill. (Yes I know I have to go back over to my trailer just fucking peachy.Not really.)