What I've learned about myself recently.

I've learned a lot of things about myself in recent weeks. Some good things and some bad things. Yet, I'm no worse for wear. I sit here thinking about all these things and realize that I am on a track that will help me become a better person.

Everyone I know calls me a bitch or lazy. The truth is I just don't want to do something because it is not a request it is a demand. I don't need my family members demanding me to do everything that they want and leaving little time to do what I want. I need to do things that I want to do. I need to write and need to think and want to read, paint and draw. If I'm lazy because I don't do everything for them then yeah guess it is kinda true in their opinion.

I've learned that no matter how hard I try or how little I try I am always going to get yelled at for not doing enough. So What do you do? Me I tend to tune it all out until I can't any longer. This happens a lot more than I wish to admit.

I've also learned that I have more dreams and very little support for it. I want to tell my family what I want to do with my life they just brush me aside and talk about what they think I should do with my life. It's not their life to live it's mine. So I find myself getting upset a lot about this. I know I can't do anything to get them to take a real interest in what I want to do and that is okay. What isn't is that they disregard anything I want to do.
 
I also learned that I have some issues with spelling at times. I also have issues with my eyes when reading. It blurs and the eye doctor told me years ago now that I had a problem with my eyes due to reading in dim light for so many years. I love to read and have always loved reading. So it's hard when I'm reading and the words blur together as though my eyes are unfocused. Taking ten minutes of not reading helps it to go away. It kinda scares me though.

I think at night why do I feel like a failure and the answer is because I feel like I have failed. I feel like I have gone no where in life so far. That is another thing I learned about myself. That I am to hard on myself.  That I am scared of a lot more than I ever had thought about before.

I also know that it is okay that being me is alright.

The Purple Cage (Blurb I think)

  Okay so I thought a lot of people didn't understand what I meant when I said I was just lurking and writing. Well here is something that I have been working on lately. The story is already past 16,000 words and I am hoping that it gets well up into the 20,000 plus word count. I love writing this story and I love seeing how my mind takes the characters words and puts them up.

  The Purple Cage came about because of a dream and honestly it isn't supposed to be true at all to reality. It is just supposed to be based off my dream and honestly it works for me. There are so many books out there and well I'd like to add a few more from my own head to the reading shelves of readers. I don't expect everyone to like it. Hell I don't expect anyone to really understand why I am writing this in the first place. Just know it came about during a very stressful time in my life and it has helped calm me a lot more than anyone could know.

  I've not talked about it with anyone and honestly I just don't wish to because this is my own personal issue that I have to deal with. I can say now with a straight face and not much pain in my heart that I am single. That's all I'll say because it's all that is needed to be known. I've taken a few steps back to get control over not only my life but over myself. The Purple Cage is something that came from a lot of dreaming and a lot of hurting. At some point I just threw myself into writing and writing and even more writing. In less than oh three or so months I have wrote more in this story than any of the others I started combined. I don't want pity I just want to explain what I was feeling and how I am feeling now. I love this story because it has a lot of different relationships in it and a lot of drama and a lot of hell going around. It is FANTASY. It's not supposed to hurt anyone's feelings or have people think that I don't care about a certain type of person it is just what it is. Now onto the blurb which doesn't give away much. Not to mention I also have other stories lined up which makes this Story One of I think about five or six not exactly sure because I am not looking at my notes at this moment. Blurb down below.>>>>>



 

        The Purple Cage is one of the most feared places that The School of Blue have to put the fear of god into their students. Katrine is one such student that has the misfortune along with her friends. There had been many before them and some have stayed there reaching adulthood. The thing about the purple cage and the people though is that the Purple People plant that they eat turns them into the Purple People. This might cause serious issues if they don't keep themselves in check. Welcome to the hell that is known as The Purple Cage.





I hope you liked the blurb as much thought as I put into it before even showing it to a friend on skype. This friend told me to write to my hearts content and to make sure I didn't stop until it was done. Love him to death. Plus love Cherie Noel, Matty & Brad, & Vicktor who all inspire me to keep writing when I really just want to give up and delete it all. I won't though because that would get me no where.

2013 & some updates

So I've been gone again for a while. I've made it to 2013. So now what? Well let's see I've been writing non-stop in a story I've named "The Purple Cage" It's really very long topping at this point at roughly 16,000 words. I've tried really hard with it and this is one of the ones I think I'll end up finishing. I've gotten so much to think about that it's harder to even say. I think perhaps I won't even share it and just keep on keeping on. I'm happy truly happy that the new year is here and that I've been writing the story that I've been dreaming up for weeks now.


I'm doing well to be very honest. I have been lurking on all the blogs I follow and barely commenting I should really come out of lurking because I really do miss letting others know that I'm there for them. I just really didn't want to bother them with all my thoughts. So I lurked and lurked some more and commented very little.


I'll try to do better with commenting at some point for now I'm just going to write and try to finish this book.

Until laters,

Love yas,
Katty Kat

5 weeks and a lot of things on my mind

  I've been silent for 5 weeks. It's not the longest I've been away. I was trying to hide from a lot of things in my life.

  First off someone came back into my life. He is like another father to me. He wants me to move to North Carolina and get to know him again. I haven't SEEN him since 2001. I'm nervous and unsure if I want too. I talk to him on facebook and told him something I finally admit to myself and others. I'm in a Polygamous relationship. I'm not ashamed of that but I didn't want to freak him out about that part of me. When I told him after writing it out seven or eight times I finally sent it. I didn't know at the time what he'd say or what he'd feel about what I had to say to him. Here's a little bit of what I said and what he said.

Me: Tonight I was thinking. You remember when I told you I had love interests in Tennessee? I never told you how many or anything of real value. Because I was scared of being judged. I love more than two men I love more than six I love more than ten. I'm Polygamous. I don't love any of them any different than the other. I'm in love with the ones I know and care a lot about. I want to better myself because of them. I want to do so much because they are in my life. Everything is crazy and I wanted to tell you before mom told you things. I've dated long distantly for over four years. I've been with (known) some of the ones I am with for four years. Some four three some for two and others for one and some for just a few months

Sometimes I don't open up to anyone because I am scared of being judged and just everything.

 

Him: why

do.what.you.got.to.do.in.your.life

Me: I'll do what I have to do Daddy I just wanted you to know and that was about the tenth time I wrote what you read out and I finally sent it too you after I talked to one of the men I love dearly. They make me happy really truly happy. When I get there to live finally I will be one happy woman.


He's yet to get back on but you have no idea how much this meant to me he didn't judge me like my mother and real father do. He just took it for what it is.


  A few nights after this I was talking to one of my ex's. We talked about the past a lot and how my lie hurt him. At the time I wanted to hurt him. Yet, afterwards...no I wanted to take it all back, but I couldn't it was already done. He said he couldn't trust me or forgive me. I understand that and it did make me sad because I've changed since we split up nearly four years ago. A couple nights later we talked again. He said he forgives me but he doesn't trust me yet.

  To say that I deserve the anger, the hurt, the bitterness he felt towards me would be very honest because I do deserve the way he feels. I don't want to hurt him anymore matter of fact I want to be on even ground with him. I want his trust again. I want to be trusted. He said that he has seen me changing and seen that I'm not the same as I was four years ago. He also said that I still needed to work on me before all was done and said.

  I've learned a lot in the last five weeks. A lot about myself from then and now. I've learned that I was a real bitch back then. That I had a lot of hate inside me. That I bottled a lot of what I felt up inside me and never let anyone close enough to help ease it from my mind. I've learned that even though I've changed some I NEED to change more to be a better person. I also learned that nobody can do this for me I HAVE to do this for myself

Things don't just go away easily I learned also. It festers sometimes for months sometimes for years. When it festers that long it is hard to forgive someone. Learning from mistakes is hard but nobody said life was easy. When you learn you become wiser and when you become wise you can pass that wisdom on to others who might need to understand more.


My biggest lesson was that lying no matter how small it is no matter how big as well. It still hurts to some degree. You can sit and tell yourself that you regret it but if YOU never apologize then that is meaningless to the person you hurt. When and if you apologize it's not the last step for you to take. You have to prove that you really do mean it. You can't just say it then go on with what you were doing. This is my opinion and maybe I'm wrong but to me in my mind it is right. Lying is hurtful, lying can do more harm than good. Learning to deal with what happens and what you've said and how to handle apologizing is a big deal to many that you may have hurt.

   In the end of these last five weeks I've learned that being forgiven lifts a heavy burden off your shoulders. It also lifts a burden off the other person as well. Being open and honest and truly sorry for what you do helps lift that burden and lead you to the building of a bridge. One that could be there for the rest of your lives. If you want that then you must do what you think is best but it doesn't stop with you. They have to accept and build that bridge with you. Don't let the past affect the future because if you do you'll never be truly at peace with yourself. No matter what you think of the person the olive branch is the first step and if they take it you and they take it from there....one step at a time.


  I'll right again when I feel like it.  I don't know when that will be and right now I'm not sure if it'll be soon or weeks more. We'll see. For now peace, love, joy, Happiness,

Katty Kat

PS- It's been a very very long 5 weeks of dealing with more than just what I wrote about. Maybe I'll write a part 2.

One Day The Good Will Out Weigh The Bad

"One day the good will out weigh the bad"


One day, one month, one year
It gets easier to breath as time goes on
Two years, three years, four years
It's lifting and the fear is going
five years, six years, seven years
It's all going to be okay
eight years, nine years, ten years
was it a dream that woke me or a memory of old
I know I'm loved by many
Each day, each month, each year
Constants in my life that I need
Life gets busy even when you remember the bad with the good
Shifting my mind to the good is hard
As the years go by perhaps I shall find
That the good out weighs the bad
Love is there although not always fair
I have a family
I have a life
I have what I need the most
Those I know say I'm a great writer
They want to see more and more
The books I write claim half my time
I keep on writing even though some may say bad things
It's the good reviews that count the most
It's the people that love me and what I do and who I am that matter the most
It may have taken so many years to find
The perfect imperfect balance that I've needed for so long
Let my mind rest easy
As I think about the loved ones that hope for things to get better for me
They have my back even when I am fearful
They will always stick around even as One year becomes ten or forty
My mind rests easier as the years go by today it's a year
On down the road the years will become more
One to two
Two to three
Three to four
Four to five
I count the days, I count the months, and I count the years
Looking forward to when I can say
"It's okay the good out weighs the bad. I love you guys and gals."
Also looking forward to the day when I can think and say
"Yes, I really believe I am amazing, loving, caring, good, and fabulous!"






Poems are one thing that when I get inspired to write I can't stop until it's finished. This one I jut wrote to Vicktor. He's been my big brother for awhile now. I can't tell you what the last year of knowing him has fully meant to me. He uplifts me and I try my hardest to do the same for him. So far I've written just a few poems. Yet, to me they have meaning. I hope this one can have meaning to others as well. ~Blows kisses~ Peace, Love, Joy, & a ton of kisses & hugs

9/11 and remembering

Has anyone felt that remembering 9/11 could be so sad that you remember things that happened afterwards? Well today I am remembering and it is very sad. 11 years ago and yet it still feels like yesterday. Lordy, I've never felt more scared as time passes. I also realize that in the years afterwards we've grown some how stronger and more aware of what we need to look at in life.

I'm not saying that we were blind before but we didn't really see everything around us. We where always trying to rush rush rush rush. Now we still rush but we also remember what rushing can do.

Tragic things and even more tragic stories. I know that my heart goes out to all the men women and children who still grieve for a lost loved one. My heart goes out to the parents who lost a child. A wife who lost a husband. A husband who lost a wife. A husband who lost a husband. The kids who lost either one parent or both. No one should of had to go through that. No one. Maybe it's how I think but, I don't think anyone should have had to suffer through what everyone 11 years ago suffered. I've sat and thought of a lot of things the past 11 years and I still feel the affects of what happened even now. Being a kid didn't dull the facts for me. It just made me see a whole lot of suffering in such a very very short time frame.

I'm not a child any longer and I have clearer thoughts now than I did back then. I'm not worrying about just myself or where I'll be going. I'm more worried about the world's issues than just my own. I gained a lot for the memories I have. The images are still burned into my brain. I think of the past and the present and all I can do is do the best at becoming who and what I wish to be. Only time shall tell what everyone needs to know right?


Never forget Always Remember. Always think & Always Always be kind because you never know what could happen.

Poems

Labels & Love & Family

Tall & dark
Light & short
Humble & Modest
Family are all these
Some are gay
Some are lesbian
Some are bisexual
Some are straight
Love doesn't know any boundaries
Weather you are male or female
With a man or woman
Weather you love the same sex
Or weather you love the opposite
Family should love you no matter the label
Labels aren't who or what you are
Unless you make the label WHO YOU ARE
Labels mean nothing unless you give them power
Love is love no matter who you are
No matter what label is placed on you
Family should love you no matter the label no matter the box



 Transgender men & women

Transgender men and women are beautiful
You don't believe me look at someone who is going through the process
As they go through it they are still themselves
Their voice may change
Their looks may change
Their bodies may change
Yet all  those changes are just to match what they feel on the inside
They are who they are and no matter what changes happen
They should always be loved and treasured
No one should hurt them for being proud of who they are
Some might down them and some may hurt them
But the ones who love them and support them through everything
Will be the ones who see them grow and learn
They will always be good to you and support you in turn
Transgender men and women aren't a sinful lot
They are just who they are and you should really get to know them before you go judging them


I love my Big brother Vic and many others in the BGLTQ community that I know. No one can make me hide who I am. I learned that Vic won't hide away and he is always there when I need him and I try to be there for him. Before you judge someone by the cover they have on them how about you first learn their mind, their heart, their soul, get to know them for who they are rather than the labels they are placed under. Amazing souls are hard to find and I am so lucky to have found some souls of those I love and care for that are utterly amazing.


~Blows kisses to all~ Have a good weekend