Mini update

It has been a while yet again! Although here is an update,  I am finally on my last class and will be graduating soon! Six more weeks and I will have my BS in Business!!!!  So excited and just ready for it to be done and over with! Hope all is well loves! Have a blessed day or night!!!!  Until later on.

Updates

It's been a long while since I've posted anything. I've been working hard towards my degree and lord I'm damn near finished finally. 14 more classes and then I'm done. I'm so happy about that and it's such a good thing because I wasn't sure I'd make it this far.

I'll be back very soon with more!

Love ya all.

It's been DAYS

It's been a lot of days since I've blogged mostly because I am head first into my college classes. I've lost a lot of contact with those that I see as brothers and sisters. The closer that the end of the year gets the more tired I seem to be. I love college and I wouldn't trade any of this for the world. However, I need a break and will get one sometime in December right before Christmas. I've changed a lot since I've last posted and I feel very different about myself.

I'm saving up money to be able to take a small vacation. I'm also feeling as if I need some time to come to terms with being one of the only kids in my family that wants to do business for her life's career. I can tell you that no one really understands what it is exactly that I want to make my business into. However, they do support me even if they don't understand. I feel better talking to my sister April now than I ever have. Some how we've gotten closer again and we're talking a lot about plans and dreams. I've not lost my dreaming or plans but they have changed and adapted to the places Iwant to be.

I'm going to close just know that I love you all and I miss you very much.

Katty Kat/ Lucy

A long time being away I'm back now

I'm scared that no one really reads my blog anymore but that is okay because my blog is for myself not others. I have been busy with my college work for the last few months and everything seems to be blurring. I have finally reached the study abroad program stage where I can now go study abroad if I really wish to. I am having a blast looking at the website for the programs classes that are available for me to apply for. I'd love to do a 4 week study abroad program but I am very nervous. Not only will I be away from friends and family I will be in a country that is weird to me. I really want to go but I don't know if I'll make it in another country. So I think I am going to wait until I a fully confident in going over seas to study. I think planning all this out is going to become one of the best things.

My top place that I wish to study over seas at is South Korea. I really want to go there and study for awhile. My second and third places I'd wish to study over seas at are Japan and China.

College and Life

College is like a breath of fresh air. I've needed it for so long that I thought I'd never get it. It's online and I am really enjoying it. Being five weeks into the first course I feel as though I'm floating and can do no wrong. I just feel like I'm doing everything right now. Mostly I find that I knew what I wanted all along and I should have just went for it. I'm going for Business Management (Concentrating on Small Business.) I am hoping that when I graduate that I'll be able to go to Chicago and get my diploma. Let us hope that I can.


I've been gone quite a few months from blogging but I still keep tabs on the people I care about. I don't really comment much anymore but I do read. I've just had a lot on my mind and a lot going on. I keep hoping that others will understand why I've been gone and not hold it against me. I've not even commented on a yahoo group I'm apart of in a long time now. I wish that I could go to GRL this year but well I know that isn't going to happen. That's alright I'll work on that slowly and I'll get there one of these years as long as they keep doing it. :) We'll see what happens.

What I've learned about myself recently.

I've learned a lot of things about myself in recent weeks. Some good things and some bad things. Yet, I'm no worse for wear. I sit here thinking about all these things and realize that I am on a track that will help me become a better person.

Everyone I know calls me a bitch or lazy. The truth is I just don't want to do something because it is not a request it is a demand. I don't need my family members demanding me to do everything that they want and leaving little time to do what I want. I need to do things that I want to do. I need to write and need to think and want to read, paint and draw. If I'm lazy because I don't do everything for them then yeah guess it is kinda true in their opinion.

I've learned that no matter how hard I try or how little I try I am always going to get yelled at for not doing enough. So What do you do? Me I tend to tune it all out until I can't any longer. This happens a lot more than I wish to admit.

I've also learned that I have more dreams and very little support for it. I want to tell my family what I want to do with my life they just brush me aside and talk about what they think I should do with my life. It's not their life to live it's mine. So I find myself getting upset a lot about this. I know I can't do anything to get them to take a real interest in what I want to do and that is okay. What isn't is that they disregard anything I want to do.
 
I also learned that I have some issues with spelling at times. I also have issues with my eyes when reading. It blurs and the eye doctor told me years ago now that I had a problem with my eyes due to reading in dim light for so many years. I love to read and have always loved reading. So it's hard when I'm reading and the words blur together as though my eyes are unfocused. Taking ten minutes of not reading helps it to go away. It kinda scares me though.

I think at night why do I feel like a failure and the answer is because I feel like I have failed. I feel like I have gone no where in life so far. That is another thing I learned about myself. That I am to hard on myself.  That I am scared of a lot more than I ever had thought about before.

I also know that it is okay that being me is alright.

The Purple Cage (Blurb I think)

  Okay so I thought a lot of people didn't understand what I meant when I said I was just lurking and writing. Well here is something that I have been working on lately. The story is already past 16,000 words and I am hoping that it gets well up into the 20,000 plus word count. I love writing this story and I love seeing how my mind takes the characters words and puts them up.

  The Purple Cage came about because of a dream and honestly it isn't supposed to be true at all to reality. It is just supposed to be based off my dream and honestly it works for me. There are so many books out there and well I'd like to add a few more from my own head to the reading shelves of readers. I don't expect everyone to like it. Hell I don't expect anyone to really understand why I am writing this in the first place. Just know it came about during a very stressful time in my life and it has helped calm me a lot more than anyone could know.

  I've not talked about it with anyone and honestly I just don't wish to because this is my own personal issue that I have to deal with. I can say now with a straight face and not much pain in my heart that I am single. That's all I'll say because it's all that is needed to be known. I've taken a few steps back to get control over not only my life but over myself. The Purple Cage is something that came from a lot of dreaming and a lot of hurting. At some point I just threw myself into writing and writing and even more writing. In less than oh three or so months I have wrote more in this story than any of the others I started combined. I don't want pity I just want to explain what I was feeling and how I am feeling now. I love this story because it has a lot of different relationships in it and a lot of drama and a lot of hell going around. It is FANTASY. It's not supposed to hurt anyone's feelings or have people think that I don't care about a certain type of person it is just what it is. Now onto the blurb which doesn't give away much. Not to mention I also have other stories lined up which makes this Story One of I think about five or six not exactly sure because I am not looking at my notes at this moment. Blurb down below.>>>>>



 

        The Purple Cage is one of the most feared places that The School of Blue have to put the fear of god into their students. Katrine is one such student that has the misfortune along with her friends. There had been many before them and some have stayed there reaching adulthood. The thing about the purple cage and the people though is that the Purple People plant that they eat turns them into the Purple People. This might cause serious issues if they don't keep themselves in check. Welcome to the hell that is known as The Purple Cage.





I hope you liked the blurb as much thought as I put into it before even showing it to a friend on skype. This friend told me to write to my hearts content and to make sure I didn't stop until it was done. Love him to death. Plus love Cherie Noel, Matty & Brad, & Vicktor who all inspire me to keep writing when I really just want to give up and delete it all. I won't though because that would get me no where.

2013 & some updates

So I've been gone again for a while. I've made it to 2013. So now what? Well let's see I've been writing non-stop in a story I've named "The Purple Cage" It's really very long topping at this point at roughly 16,000 words. I've tried really hard with it and this is one of the ones I think I'll end up finishing. I've gotten so much to think about that it's harder to even say. I think perhaps I won't even share it and just keep on keeping on. I'm happy truly happy that the new year is here and that I've been writing the story that I've been dreaming up for weeks now.


I'm doing well to be very honest. I have been lurking on all the blogs I follow and barely commenting I should really come out of lurking because I really do miss letting others know that I'm there for them. I just really didn't want to bother them with all my thoughts. So I lurked and lurked some more and commented very little.


I'll try to do better with commenting at some point for now I'm just going to write and try to finish this book.

Until laters,

Love yas,
Katty Kat

5 weeks and a lot of things on my mind

  I've been silent for 5 weeks. It's not the longest I've been away. I was trying to hide from a lot of things in my life.

  First off someone came back into my life. He is like another father to me. He wants me to move to North Carolina and get to know him again. I haven't SEEN him since 2001. I'm nervous and unsure if I want too. I talk to him on facebook and told him something I finally admit to myself and others. I'm in a Polygamous relationship. I'm not ashamed of that but I didn't want to freak him out about that part of me. When I told him after writing it out seven or eight times I finally sent it. I didn't know at the time what he'd say or what he'd feel about what I had to say to him. Here's a little bit of what I said and what he said.

Me: Tonight I was thinking. You remember when I told you I had love interests in Tennessee? I never told you how many or anything of real value. Because I was scared of being judged. I love more than two men I love more than six I love more than ten. I'm Polygamous. I don't love any of them any different than the other. I'm in love with the ones I know and care a lot about. I want to better myself because of them. I want to do so much because they are in my life. Everything is crazy and I wanted to tell you before mom told you things. I've dated long distantly for over four years. I've been with (known) some of the ones I am with for four years. Some four three some for two and others for one and some for just a few months

Sometimes I don't open up to anyone because I am scared of being judged and just everything.

 

Him: why

do.what.you.got.to.do.in.your.life

Me: I'll do what I have to do Daddy I just wanted you to know and that was about the tenth time I wrote what you read out and I finally sent it too you after I talked to one of the men I love dearly. They make me happy really truly happy. When I get there to live finally I will be one happy woman.


He's yet to get back on but you have no idea how much this meant to me he didn't judge me like my mother and real father do. He just took it for what it is.


  A few nights after this I was talking to one of my ex's. We talked about the past a lot and how my lie hurt him. At the time I wanted to hurt him. Yet, afterwards...no I wanted to take it all back, but I couldn't it was already done. He said he couldn't trust me or forgive me. I understand that and it did make me sad because I've changed since we split up nearly four years ago. A couple nights later we talked again. He said he forgives me but he doesn't trust me yet.

  To say that I deserve the anger, the hurt, the bitterness he felt towards me would be very honest because I do deserve the way he feels. I don't want to hurt him anymore matter of fact I want to be on even ground with him. I want his trust again. I want to be trusted. He said that he has seen me changing and seen that I'm not the same as I was four years ago. He also said that I still needed to work on me before all was done and said.

  I've learned a lot in the last five weeks. A lot about myself from then and now. I've learned that I was a real bitch back then. That I had a lot of hate inside me. That I bottled a lot of what I felt up inside me and never let anyone close enough to help ease it from my mind. I've learned that even though I've changed some I NEED to change more to be a better person. I also learned that nobody can do this for me I HAVE to do this for myself

Things don't just go away easily I learned also. It festers sometimes for months sometimes for years. When it festers that long it is hard to forgive someone. Learning from mistakes is hard but nobody said life was easy. When you learn you become wiser and when you become wise you can pass that wisdom on to others who might need to understand more.


My biggest lesson was that lying no matter how small it is no matter how big as well. It still hurts to some degree. You can sit and tell yourself that you regret it but if YOU never apologize then that is meaningless to the person you hurt. When and if you apologize it's not the last step for you to take. You have to prove that you really do mean it. You can't just say it then go on with what you were doing. This is my opinion and maybe I'm wrong but to me in my mind it is right. Lying is hurtful, lying can do more harm than good. Learning to deal with what happens and what you've said and how to handle apologizing is a big deal to many that you may have hurt.

   In the end of these last five weeks I've learned that being forgiven lifts a heavy burden off your shoulders. It also lifts a burden off the other person as well. Being open and honest and truly sorry for what you do helps lift that burden and lead you to the building of a bridge. One that could be there for the rest of your lives. If you want that then you must do what you think is best but it doesn't stop with you. They have to accept and build that bridge with you. Don't let the past affect the future because if you do you'll never be truly at peace with yourself. No matter what you think of the person the olive branch is the first step and if they take it you and they take it from there....one step at a time.


  I'll right again when I feel like it.  I don't know when that will be and right now I'm not sure if it'll be soon or weeks more. We'll see. For now peace, love, joy, Happiness,

Katty Kat

PS- It's been a very very long 5 weeks of dealing with more than just what I wrote about. Maybe I'll write a part 2.

One Day The Good Will Out Weigh The Bad

"One day the good will out weigh the bad"


One day, one month, one year
It gets easier to breath as time goes on
Two years, three years, four years
It's lifting and the fear is going
five years, six years, seven years
It's all going to be okay
eight years, nine years, ten years
was it a dream that woke me or a memory of old
I know I'm loved by many
Each day, each month, each year
Constants in my life that I need
Life gets busy even when you remember the bad with the good
Shifting my mind to the good is hard
As the years go by perhaps I shall find
That the good out weighs the bad
Love is there although not always fair
I have a family
I have a life
I have what I need the most
Those I know say I'm a great writer
They want to see more and more
The books I write claim half my time
I keep on writing even though some may say bad things
It's the good reviews that count the most
It's the people that love me and what I do and who I am that matter the most
It may have taken so many years to find
The perfect imperfect balance that I've needed for so long
Let my mind rest easy
As I think about the loved ones that hope for things to get better for me
They have my back even when I am fearful
They will always stick around even as One year becomes ten or forty
My mind rests easier as the years go by today it's a year
On down the road the years will become more
One to two
Two to three
Three to four
Four to five
I count the days, I count the months, and I count the years
Looking forward to when I can say
"It's okay the good out weighs the bad. I love you guys and gals."
Also looking forward to the day when I can think and say
"Yes, I really believe I am amazing, loving, caring, good, and fabulous!"






Poems are one thing that when I get inspired to write I can't stop until it's finished. This one I jut wrote to Vicktor. He's been my big brother for awhile now. I can't tell you what the last year of knowing him has fully meant to me. He uplifts me and I try my hardest to do the same for him. So far I've written just a few poems. Yet, to me they have meaning. I hope this one can have meaning to others as well. ~Blows kisses~ Peace, Love, Joy, & a ton of kisses & hugs

9/11 and remembering

Has anyone felt that remembering 9/11 could be so sad that you remember things that happened afterwards? Well today I am remembering and it is very sad. 11 years ago and yet it still feels like yesterday. Lordy, I've never felt more scared as time passes. I also realize that in the years afterwards we've grown some how stronger and more aware of what we need to look at in life.

I'm not saying that we were blind before but we didn't really see everything around us. We where always trying to rush rush rush rush. Now we still rush but we also remember what rushing can do.

Tragic things and even more tragic stories. I know that my heart goes out to all the men women and children who still grieve for a lost loved one. My heart goes out to the parents who lost a child. A wife who lost a husband. A husband who lost a wife. A husband who lost a husband. The kids who lost either one parent or both. No one should of had to go through that. No one. Maybe it's how I think but, I don't think anyone should have had to suffer through what everyone 11 years ago suffered. I've sat and thought of a lot of things the past 11 years and I still feel the affects of what happened even now. Being a kid didn't dull the facts for me. It just made me see a whole lot of suffering in such a very very short time frame.

I'm not a child any longer and I have clearer thoughts now than I did back then. I'm not worrying about just myself or where I'll be going. I'm more worried about the world's issues than just my own. I gained a lot for the memories I have. The images are still burned into my brain. I think of the past and the present and all I can do is do the best at becoming who and what I wish to be. Only time shall tell what everyone needs to know right?


Never forget Always Remember. Always think & Always Always be kind because you never know what could happen.

Poems

Labels & Love & Family

Tall & dark
Light & short
Humble & Modest
Family are all these
Some are gay
Some are lesbian
Some are bisexual
Some are straight
Love doesn't know any boundaries
Weather you are male or female
With a man or woman
Weather you love the same sex
Or weather you love the opposite
Family should love you no matter the label
Labels aren't who or what you are
Unless you make the label WHO YOU ARE
Labels mean nothing unless you give them power
Love is love no matter who you are
No matter what label is placed on you
Family should love you no matter the label no matter the box



 Transgender men & women

Transgender men and women are beautiful
You don't believe me look at someone who is going through the process
As they go through it they are still themselves
Their voice may change
Their looks may change
Their bodies may change
Yet all  those changes are just to match what they feel on the inside
They are who they are and no matter what changes happen
They should always be loved and treasured
No one should hurt them for being proud of who they are
Some might down them and some may hurt them
But the ones who love them and support them through everything
Will be the ones who see them grow and learn
They will always be good to you and support you in turn
Transgender men and women aren't a sinful lot
They are just who they are and you should really get to know them before you go judging them


I love my Big brother Vic and many others in the BGLTQ community that I know. No one can make me hide who I am. I learned that Vic won't hide away and he is always there when I need him and I try to be there for him. Before you judge someone by the cover they have on them how about you first learn their mind, their heart, their soul, get to know them for who they are rather than the labels they are placed under. Amazing souls are hard to find and I am so lucky to have found some souls of those I love and care for that are utterly amazing.


~Blows kisses to all~ Have a good weekend

Not going to be Sorry & Thoughts

  I've been thinking about a lot of things since yesterdays post. I have to say I'm so tired of being sorry about my blood family. I'm tired of defending them against everyone. I'm tired of hiding what they do. I'm just tired of being sorry over their actions.

  Being sorry about anything should more be about my own actions and not others. I guess I am ashamed of my mother and father. It's not a guess it's a I know I am ashamed of them. It's okay to be ashamed and embarrassed. I realize that.



  I wrote a comment not to long ago over on C & D about what happened when I was ten. How I wasn't believed by my family over what a family friend had done to me. I wrote the comment and I felt so much better. I was ashamed of speaking about how I was ashamed of being an embarrassment to my mother and father for the longest time I wouldn't talk about what happened. It's just how I felt. There were a lot of things I didn't and felt that I couldn't write about as well.

  I think a lot about my past and some of it scares me to bring up even now. I told about what happened a few short months after my parents friend touched me the first time. He brought bebe guns and I shot his stupid ass with a few bebes. I'm not ashamed of that anymore. I'm not sorry for it. I also wrote on C & D's comments about the time I pulled a knife on him when I was 15. I'm not ashamed of that either. At that point I wanted to cut his balls off. Just because he never penetrated with his penis doesn't mean that he didn't abuse me. Abuse comes in many forms. Hitting, beating, touching, penetration & verbal, emotional. There are so many types of abuse.

  I spent a little bit trying to figure out how I was going to write it out here I think again. I thought for the longest while that it was my fault. That what happened was all my fault. I became very violent after everything happened. I became something that I wasn't. I still have dreams of killing this man with a rusty knife. I still have thoughts of jumping off the roof of a tall building. I also still have very violent thoughts towards this man and my parents for not believing what had happened under their own roof. I'm allowed to be pissed off. I'm allowed to have those thoughts as long as I never go through with them. I am allowed to still be angry.

  I've gotten into fights over this with my mother several times. This past year I have refused talking to anyone about it until C & D's posts started. I feel safe sharing because there are very few that know me online. There are very few that I have let in.

Vicktor, is one man I trust and that about five years back would have been very hard for me to do. Just because he is a man and I just wouldn't have been as trusting as I am now.

Ivan & Milo are two other men I would trust to talk to about anything and everything. They seem like two people who would really not judge me for my feelings or what all happens around me.

Matt & Brad again two others I trust. Also Thorny & Jazz I might not know most of them well enough but, I trust them all.

All these men seem very trust worthy to me as well as two of my ex's and all the men I love now that are my partners. I trust a lot more men them I used to. That at first was hard on me because I was to scared to open up. Sometimes I still am afraid to open up. It's nothing against men truly it's not. I just have a very hard time still seeing the good in people. Males the most. Four years ago was when it started to change when I started trusting more. I have two amazing ex's in my life to thank for being the very first to believe what happened to me was the truth. That makes sense right? The first people to believe me and I felt so much relief and I felt safe in telling them a lot. I still have a ways to go in trust issues but, I've gotten better.




  I don't drink anymore. I haven't in well over a year. I turned 21 back in Feb. and it was so fucking hard to hold to my promise not to drink again. I made it through that and I've made it to July 13th 2012 with my promise. I'm proud of myself. I still have urges sometimes to cut myself but I haven't in a few months, although with that it hasn't been a year but it has been quite a while. I'm getting there and I want to stay the way I am clean and sober.

  I have so many people in my life as adopted family that have helped me in many ways. I've cried, I've laughed, I've smiled & I've giggled about a number of things. I've been concerned and scared for many people that are in my life now. I've been worried and scared of running many people off. That I think is one major fear I have. I fear running people off. I fear it so I hide sometimes. I get scared of people running away and never talking to me again. I sometimes don't know what to say to everyone as well because of that fear.

  I get scared about emailing Ivie because I don't want to depress him. I don't want to make him worry about me and I don't want to make Milo worry about Ivie in the process. So I don't email a lot which I regret because I know he's a great guy. I know they both are great men. I see that with every blog post they post. I know because I can see their love for each other. It's a very big very very big mass on their backs. They don't always see it but others see it all the time. It's like their good attributes they both have them but, they don't always see them. Yet, others do see them and can tell them what they have good in them. Ivie is awesome, loving, caring, he worries, he loves Milo more than I think he says in his posts. I think he loves Milo a hell of a lot. Milo loves Ivie just as much and he has all the great things about him that I have yet to discover. I will though if they both let me discover more about them.

  I also don't email Vicktor to much same reasons. He's amazing though. I did finally email him about the 1st of this month and we talked a little bit. We talked about what had me hidden a lot in June and what I was feeling. I talked to him about what had happened and what can shove me into a black mood rather quickly. I talked a little bit about what I felt like doing during my black moods and I made him a promise to talk before I hit black mode. I'm trying really really trying.

  I doubt anyone will read all of this because it is rather long. I have my doubts that anyone wants to see and read what I have to say. It might just be all in my head. Might be I don't really know.

  I'm going to close this by saying. I love my adopted Family so very much. I am always always thinking about them. I don't think I ever tell them that enough.
 

Color system to my moods.

Vicktor gave me this idea a few days ago for a color chart to my moods. I'm going to give a little bit of as to why in a few short sentences.

I've hidden a lot during the month of June & I've been hiding a bit during July. Some of the reasons are my blood family. My mother has been one main reason I stayed hidden a lot during June. I've wanted to hit my mother more times than I can count in the last two months or so. I really have a bad temper and it's a really really really really short fuse to that temper. Two days ago was about as close to hitting her as I have gotten in a very long while. I don't answer her when she's running off the mouth most times because I know whatever I will say will piss her off regardless of it being innocent. Here's how it started.

Mother: I need help with the counters no one ever helps me around here.

Me: .............

Mother: I would like an answer so I know you heard me.

Me: .......When I do answer you...you get mad....when I don't answer you...you get mad

Mother: Well if you would answer when spoken to................

Okay at this time I wasn't even upset I was however getting there.

Me: ~Getting up off the couch~

Mother:  I wouldn't get mad.....Yet, you ignore me and don't do anything I ask.

Kat: ........I do do things not a lot but I do them.

Mother: Like what? You start fights so you don't have to go anywhere.

Kat: That's not true and you know it Mother. If I didn't want to go I wouldn't get up and get ready to go and you know it.

Mother: Yeah you want to know what I know?

Kat: What?

Mother: You're a lazy no good for nothing child and I didn't raise you to act this way!

Kat: I'm no good?!?

You can see how this went. Needless to say when she slapped me and got up in my face I was somewhere between dislike and hating her. I shoved her the second time she slapped me I don't like being hit in my face and I didn't hit her back because I knew what my father would do if I did. I was tempted more than tempted to hit her back but instead I shoved her away she ended up landing on the floor but I didn't hit her there. When she got up she grabbed a knife and had I not run out of the room she was in I'm sure she would have cut me. I'm not scared of blood but I am very seriously scared of dying before I get the chance to live my life to the fullest.

Maybe in a lot of ways I am a no good child. Maybe I am lazy. Maybe just maybe she's right. I very well may be a bad person. I also might be a bad person for reacting the way I did. But I don't regret it. I can't regret it. She doesn't regret hitting me so what would be the point in regretting pushing her away.

The biggest fights we have end up being over my partners. I know for a fact she has no right at all to talk trash about them. She has never spoken to them never once tried to talk to them. I learned my lesson about her speaking with any boyfriend or partner I had. She runs her mouth and tries to get them to break it off with me. I don't need that. My partners don't need to deal with her. I guess in many ways I am trying to protect them from her.

Now onto the color system.


Red- Loved, Loving, cared for, who I care for

Dark Blue- Needs healing

Blue- Depressed slightly

Purple-Tired but mellow
Gold- Relaxing/mellowing out
Gray- Nearly to black good time to get me to talk. Really good time to message me a short message or a long one. 
Black- This is the darkest mood you can find me in. I'm depressed. I'll normally hide away and stay very hidden. Only reading the blogs and rarely posting to them. If you don't see me email me. If you don't hear from me keep trying. I normally read the email but if I'm in this mode I won't reply often enough if at all.
Lighter Purple- Talking about what's on my mind on a whole and rambling.


I'll post in the color I'm feeling and in bold lettering.s If it's normal lettering I'm just posting to be posting something that I think needs posted. Today I'm still deep in grey mode. I'm feeling a bit lousy and thinking about what happened two days before. I want to mellow out and slow down. I want to write and read and just relax. Yet, I can't seem to stop thinking today. Last night was alright. I was mellowed out and talking to my partners just trying to have a nice chat with them. It was relaxing and just what I needed. Sometimes I don't know how to feel sometimes about what happens. I guess I can be pretty stupid. I still don't know how I am going to get anything done that I want. I know I need to stop making excuses and just jump into everything all at once and bury myself with writing Dark Hungers or perhaps get my poems together and place into a book. Or two books. I'm thinking about putting together an all BGLTQ related poem book. The reason I want to write is because it is apart of me. Something deeply apart of who I am is my writing. So I'm going to do it and roll with the punches. I'm going to try it out and get my ass on the ball with it all. I've got to try and this seems like the best way to go about it. For now peace out. ~Blows kisses to everything and floats hugs to them as well~

Happy Fouth of July

So I wanted to say to everyone Happy Fourth of July. Hope you have a good one.

I have four people that I know of personally to thank for serving our country.

Vicktor I want to thank you for being brave enough strong enough to serve our country. I also want to thank you for being the best that you can be. I love you dearly and your advice is always wanted and noted. I'm still working on the color chart for my blog for my mood. I thought that was an amazing idea and something that I really need to get my behind in gear to do.

Cherie Noel from the bottom of my heart thank you for serving our country. I am so glad that you did.


To my Sweetheart...I know you tried your hardest to serve our country. I love you so much for enlisting and doing your best. You did serve our country to me. I love you dearly always will.

Also a big thank you to the Sweet Dark Chocolate of my life D....Thank you for serving. Thank you for being there for me as well.


I love these four amazing people. Cherie I'm just starting to get to know. Vicktor I've slowly gotten to know over the near year I'm been around the blog realm. My Sweetheart I've known three years and loved for just as long. D I've known a little less than a year and he still amazes me.


Have a happy fourth everyone and remember if you are out drinking have a sober driver please?!?

Chicks & Dicks

http://www.chicksanddicksrainbow.com/


I was reading this blog yesterday on abuse awareness that they are doing this month in honor of Mores. It needs to be known and seen and we need to know how to help. I read again today the same post and some of the comments. I commented again under the first comment I posted.


I don't tell many about what has gone on in my life. Not in the world outside the internet because when I first did tell someone. They went to the people who have never believed it. So I folded up quickly. Now I am becoming a better person and trying to live my life outside of the fear and hurt that is there. You should really check out the blog.


Like now.

Why are you still here?

Seriously?

Come on go?

Are you just staying to read everything?

Okay I'm done now.

Go check it out!

What I love about EYES!!

  Most people don't know that the biggest thing that can turn me on is a person's eyes. Now my partners know this & we talk about why I like eyes and eye color so much.

  First of all eye color has always been a thing for me that I look for the most. Take for example my eyes. My eyes are blue, with green tints, and a couple brown speckles on the lower part of my eye coloring. I've taken pictures where my make-up is all done up. Sometimes I look like I have full green eyes BUT, I don't. Sometimes I look as though I have a light blue eye color, again I don't. I always want to get a closer look at my eyes and I see the blue the green and the little bit of brown. I love my eyes because they are just a part of me.

  My niece's eyes are blue but to me they look blueish-grey. I really can't tell but I love the darker outer ring of blue then the light blue which makes it look grey to me.

  One of my partners has deep grey/black eyes. I mean they are really dark grey to the point I've nicknamed him "Black eyes". He could make me just melt with those eyes of his. ~Happy sigh~ Yummy just Yummy!

  I've always loved looking at the eyes and the color of them this didn't just pop up out of the blue. You see I have always found eyes to be like the window into a person's soul. The eye color is something that I haven't figured out yet why it makes me smile and analyze what Ii am seeing.

  I think there is no certain eye color that gets to me deep down BUT, all my partners have a different color to their eyes. I plan on looking into them A LOT! So when I do I'll tell you my thoughts on each of their eye colors. Until then we'll see if I can't figure out some eye colors that I find smexy as hell!


Lots of love & Kisses!!

Dark Hungers

Dark hunger holds me into place as a slow deep lust builds up inside of me no one knows this feeling is inside of me. No one knows that it comes up every time the word slut comes out of their mouth. I lust for blood so rich and deep red. To see it pour would make me the happiest person alive. Richness of the blood is determined by why you want it to begin with. Lust for death in a person makes the blood tainted. So the richness of this blood is tainted due to what I want. You might ask all the things that you think you need to know but you can never truly tell if I am telling everything when it comes to the blood lust of my hatred.
    Must I start with the beginning of life before I had the lust for blood? I was human once just like you are now. Was the happiest little bitch in the world but I was bitter with my parents my family my blood family. Everyone always told me I was stupid I was born Jaid Roxy McNeil in Feb. 18th of 1774. Being the daughter of a wealthy shipyard owner wasn’t the easiest thing in the world.  My mother was a proper lady so unlike myself that I have always had a hatred for her. Siblings where always there I love the youngest brother and sister to death never will I drain their blood like I wish to of the other three of my siblings. I was 20 years old and still living at home. A man from my childhood had been offering for my hand for quite some time now. I did not want that kind of life which my mother had. Simple with no adventures no life of her own except through her children. I was determined to lose the interest of this boy-man no matter what it took.
    My father had been pushing me to marry for nearly four years. I had no one that suited my fancy, the boys where just that boys. I wanted a man who knew how to have fun and have a blast and could make me smile and make me happy.  This was going to be a long few months for me. I had reached the part of my life where I was restless. My family had not wanted their first child to be a girl. I felt unloved and always was I the one who tried to please my family. So in order to starve them out and make them let me have my own life I went out in public with this boy-man.
    I noticed that on our horseback riding trips in the park that he was always looking around seeming as if someone else was watching us other than the people that I could see. Jealousy is a bad evil when it comes to men and women. I think I would have been alright if I had never agreed to go with this boy-man. Balls and parties were dull yet the dresses I wore made me feel like a queen. This boy-man never got to fill my dance card at any of the dances we went to it was improper to do so and not be engaged. My cousin and younger brother had the first dance always and the last. This was fine by me because I had no intention of marrying the fool who could not strike a conversation up with me. I had a brain and I knew how to use it.
    On such an event I noticed someone I had never seen before. His skin was paler than that of the others around. He held an alluring air about him but it felt dangerous to seek his affections. So I being the young lady that I am wanted that danger. I walked up near this tall handsome man and curtsied. “How do you do Sir?” He just looked at me his deep golden eyes held mine I had never seen eyes this color before they transfixed me. “Young lady, you should be dancing with the young boy you always dance with at these events. He seems more your type don’t you think?” I just nodded and ran off to the gardens tears in my eyes not understanding what made me even go over to that man. I ran into the boy-man then with another young maiden. They were kissing and all I could think to say was “Well this is why it’d never be because I do not love you and you cannot be true.” He just looked up and smirked and went back to what he was doing so I went further into the gardens the maze was close. Slipping into the maze was something of a challenge for that night I had a deep purple ball gown on that made it hard to breathe. I told my mother they were trying to kill me with these contraptions but they just laughed and sent me on my way.
    Getting to the middle of the maze was rather tougher than when I was in my normal attire and could breathe easier than I could at this point in time. Jerking on the corset that was tight on my body I loosened it to where I was able to take deeper breaths comfortably. This caused no problems until I heard a voice “Do you not think that is improper for a young lady such as yourself?” I turned and looked up into the deep golden eyes I had seen just moments before and gulped softly before replying “I don’t care if it is improper I want to be able to breathe not suffocate under all this hot fabric. Men think it is easy to go riding or to balls in this stuff for us it is not so easy. Now if you’ll excuse me I should be getting back to the party.” Turning I didn’t even see his hand grab mine and pull me hard up against his body struggling to get free I felt his breath on my neck so cold yet it thrilled me. He let me go and upon release I just stood there. He lifted my hand to his lips and kissed it, so electrifying to me.
    “You my dear have held my eye for nearly five years. It is time to claim you as mine will you do me the honors of becoming my bride this night?” I froze as this was the first time I ever saw him in my life I whispered so softly “I have only just met you. If you want my hand you must ask my father if he gives his permission then I shall marry you.” He presses his lips to my knuckles once again and simply replies “I will have you no matter his answer be prepared to be mine, little one.” He disappears through the maze and I soon follow all I want is to get home to see if that is where he will be. Getting to my parents’ home was a very long ride back my brother not wishing to leave so my cousin had to leave with me instead. He knew the person that I had stepped up to and whispered softly in my ear “He will treat you like the woman you wish to be. You will have everything that you ever need or want but it has a price my dearest cousin. I love you and this life of the night for me suits me just fine but I doubt it will for you.” I stare up at him only asking him what he means and he just tells me that I must be prepared for a lot of changes. Upon arrival I notice a black horse tied up by the reins and just smile as the horse is the one my cousin owns and sometimes rides to the house at night when he visits. Stepping out of the carriage with the help of my cousin I find my father coming out and taking me roughly by the arm yelling “How could you snub the richest man in the country for a rake who has all but ruined you already!!” My cousin grips his arm roughly and forces him away from me and glares ready for a fight I try to dodge the two but my mother is blocking my way. I loathe them yet I have no wish to watch this fight. Hearing my cousin speaking is refreshing “You ever lay a hand on her again and you will not just have him to deal with you will have me as well. He loves her has for five years! He has come to you since she was 15 years of age for her hand and you have refused. He has been faithful to her and her alone these last five years. Yet you still have said no. She would be more than loved she would be worshiped and held dear for the rest of their lives.” Amazed that my cousin would buck up to my father I just stare at them for the longest time until I am placed back into the carriage and taken to a place I have never been before.
    Deep into the forests we went until we got to another carriage and stopped. I was so scared of what was going on I had never ran away from my family before no matter how many times I had thought about it. The man that had asked for my hand got out of that deep blue carriage and swung me up into his arms crushing me tight to his body. There in that moment I felt whole and finally free to be who I was. No one could pry me away from my fate. The only time one has made me feel so loved so needed. "I will marry you on two more conditions. You have my cousins approval. You also must let me get to know you." He just grins at me and tilts his head slightly before walking me towards my cousin and placing my hand in his. I look between them and smile. My family be damned this is where I belonged and should have been for years. It is where I would be for years to come. Though I had not known it at the time. "It shall do you well to know that my name is Soraz. I do not wish to wait but for you my dear Jadie I will." I found my head spinning with the thoughts of getting to know him and that he was willing. Although I still held a dark hunger in me from the betrayal of my parents not allowing one to court me but others to. My cousin Andrew kept ahold of my hand and whispered. "It is time for I to take you home my dear." I looked at him paniked I wasn't going back to my parents! "I am not going home I rather die than go back to my parents!" Andrew tilted his head and laughed softly. "My dear cousin, I meant my home which is now yours until such a time you get to know Soraz. It is only fair to allow you the right. I will go back in this night and have your father sign you over to me and get some of your clothes. Though I dare say some will already be ruined by the time I get there." I could only nod and frown at the thought of those gowns I have come to cherish destoried by those closest to me. Well wouldn't be the first time won't be the last I look at Andrew. "If they tore up the blue silk dress just bring the scrapes and things and other gowns to me I'll fix whatever they tear up. No need in having you buy more for me when I can fix them myself." Andrew nodded and placed me in the blue carriage and looked at the driver. "Take her to my home and don't you dare tell anyone she is there for at least an hour and a half. I need to get her things I'll be home shortly." Andrew hopped up into the saddle of his horse and rode off back to my parents as the blue carriage pulled away with Soraz and I in it I blinked and wondered if my cousin meant for him to come along. I stayed on the one seat and watched my one hero and the one who wished to call me his and smiled softly. He looked at me and grinned "You know it is alright to speak with me. Open your mind to me and your mouth you shall find that we will have some things in common others we shall not.

    I wasn't scared or afraid just worried of saying the wrong thing. "What if you do not like what I have to say?" I was mad still over what he said at the ball about that idiot boy-man. I had my pride and my fears. Though without anything really holding me back I'd enjoy getting to know him. Though I fear that this may take awhile. Though my heart is already fond of this near stranger. Though I had never been to my cousin's place before I knew that it was only a matter of time before I did get to see his place finally. I was dreaming up what it would look like before it ever came into view. "If I didn't like what you had to say I'd have to say something about it. Also ask you why you feel that way or why you think that way." I snapped out of my dreaming and smiled weakly. "You rejected me tonight. I thought you appealing and no one had ever drawn me in like you did. I ran out of the ball and found that idiot with another because of you. I am glad though that I did. I would never of known you had seen me for years and asked for my hand for five years." He chuckled and shook his head slightly. "My dearest Jaidie you still do not remember me do you?" I blinked as that was the second time he called me Jaidie no one but one had called me that for years. "Soray?" He laughed nodding. "That's my Jaidie. Yes it's Soray although no one has called me that since you were a mere child." I huffed and kicked him in his shin. "I wasn't a child, Soray!"

    He laughed even though he winced. "Of course not, Jaidie. Of course not." We had stopped moving I hadn't noticed until the door to the carriage was pulled open. "Come with me Miss. McNeil, you need to be taken to the study so you and Mister. Antepua can speak more." I nodded and took the hand offered to me the man helped me out of the carriage with ease and I moved slowly looking at the country home of my cousin's and just grinned. It was what I pictured for Andrew. It was simple and out of the way of the society we were apart of. I walked towards the doors and they opened slowly of there own accord. I've never been afraid of those sorts of things and I was lead into the home and down the hall to the study. Soraz was right behind me watching me of that I was certain. I sat in one of the lovely chairs and waited for him to sit as well. "You still have no idea do you Jaidie? Of why I wish to marry you? Why I am known as a Rake?" I just blinked and whispered. "I made a promise of my heart long ago. I knew you then as I hope to know you again. I knew what you were and how you were. You were far older than me even then although you and I both know that really you are much older than even my parents know." He smirked then at the mention of ages. "That my dear Jaidie is something only you, Andrew and I know of and that is the only ones besides the one Andrew chooses for his own one day. Our children and his will know as well when they come. So on and so forth down the line. Yet, there will be secrets even from them." I smiled and stood slowly and walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his waist in a simple hug. I had done it often as a child and found it comforting now. "You were always a vampire but you showed up to me as a teen vampire just as Andrew was. You were my first and only friend other than my cousin. I am glad that you asked for my hand but, my parents should have told you yes." I grinned as I knew that we had a lot of catching up to do. Only time could help fill in the missing years from my childhood till now. "Why did they say no though for five years?" He shook his head. "They think me a defiler of the pure souls. They thought I would toss you away when you gave me everything I wanted." He snorted and laughed aloud. "They just do not know about what I have felt for these last years without knowing you but through Andrew." I smiled and nodded as I pulled back and sat in my seat once more. "So they feared you would throw me away. What fools even I know you have more tastes. You would have kept me regardless of tiring of me." He laughed again and shook his head slowly. "Ah my dearest Jaidie, I would have kept you because you are worth keeping and you are the only one I have loved my whole life. It is time for me to prove that. I shall let you get to know me and then when you do. I will expect you to tell me to ask for your hand from Andrew. Do we understand eachother?" I could only nod as there were no words of what he said made me feel.

    I was waiting on my cousin and was talking to the man I was already half in love with. What in the world was going on with me? Why was I really even here? Well simple answer was there was a man that truly wanted to be with me. I just hoped and prayed that my parents didn't do anything to hurt my cousin. I wasn't to scared that he couldn't handle himself. Just scared that they would try to harm him and that would make me very mad. There hasn't been a time in the past that I hadn't seen my cousin bruised by my father. We were about the same age or so I had thought at this point in time. There isn't a day that goes by that my cousin hasn't been there to protect me and that made me smile. I was so lost in thought that I didn't hear the yelling coming from upstairs or the footsteps that were getting closer to the door. That was until Soraz jerked me close to his side and whispers "You are about to meet the man that is related to you and your cousin. Be on guard hmm?" I could only nod and blink as I watched the door come open. The man standing there looked like my cousin but, he was darker in complexion and older in a way. Silvery blonde hair came down his back I'd guess he was about 6'6" perhaps and there were scars on his neck and one down his left cheek. I had heard stories of this man from my father and mother. How he couldn't be "trusted" around us girls because he was a rake unlike any other they had seen. Now looking at him I wonder why they really kept us away from him. Perhaps they didn't want us to learn the truth about who our real father was. I would learn this in just a few short moments that his father had fathered me and two of my sisters long before the man I called father was ever in the picture. The family men were called rakes because of that one man who was a true rake and an asshole.

    You see I don't know how many words this is and honestly I've only added a few more things to this since last year when I first posted it. I think it isn't up to par but for now I'm just going with what my crazy mind comes up with. I find myself fuming over my writing and I just wanted to share what I have so far. Won't share anymore until it is firmly half way finished. It's not even close to being done. Plus there is at least two more books "Dead Hunger" & "Soul Hunger" are the titles I'm thinking on in my head we'll see. As you can tell this is an M/F book but "Dead Hunger" is going to be an M/M. I'm not exactly sure about "Soul Hunger" just yet.

Letter to.....

Everyone,

  Feeling like I'm worthless has always been something that I felt a lot lately. I know others can understand and will understand what I've thought about. I just want to be normal. Why can't I do what others want me to do? Why do I still cry? Why do I feel like I'm alone? Will it get better?

  I'm 21 I should be used to feeling like dirt. Feeling like what I do isn't good enough. Honestly, I'm not used to it. I'm just wanting to find a peace in myself. I've been thinking dark things that will only put me into more trouble and I guess I just want to pull myself out.

What got me so down and out today was a fight with my sister. Same old same old. She's 20 thinks she knows how I feel how I think. Sorry to tell her she really doesn't. She doesn't know what her words do to me either. Worst of all I feel like this on my little sister's 13th birthday. Which makes me feel like I'm failing her by not putting on a big smile and being happy. I'm not happy is the problem. I'm in a foul mood that I don't want to be in and it sucks. Sucks so much that I was going to hide all day but then Angel would be very mad at me for missing her birthday celebrations. So I decided I'd come over and spend some time relaxing and writing. Maybe that will put me in a better mood? I don't know if it will. I just hope that it will.

I guess one good thing about everything is that Ms. Cherie helped me to start writing again. She sent me a blank form for characters. I've got everything planned out and I've been sitting with my characters letting them take form again in my mind. Deep Hunger is what I titled it over a year ago when I first started writing it. At that time I wasn't blogging I wasn't reading any blogs. So a bit of it is dark and I guess you could say heartless or from the heart. I feel like I'm in the dark. Like I am alone. Like my family is out to hurt me for just trying to be me.

  I've wrote a good bit of the story in the last few days and I really enjoy it perhaps it's not something anyone will want to read but, it is something that I wish to write about. I also started one a few months back titled Cape Shadows. It's a shifter novel or it's supposed to be anyways. I'll get to that one once I at least finish about half of Deep Hunger. I want to find out how this is going to shape up.

I'm being very vague about my thoughts on the matter because I don't have all my thoughts processed and honestly I don't want to process them all. I hate feeling like I am failing. I also hate crying when it comes to my hurt feelings. I always have hidden the tears from others as well. I don't like to show that I cry. Some might think that is showing that I have no feelings at all. They'd be wrong about that. I have feelings. I'm a person just like everyone else. I've been around long enough to know that everything happens for a reason but, right now I just want to know what the fucking hell the reason is this time for this happening today.


Peace & Love,
Kat

Stressing & A bunch of BS

Stress- Something I can deal without in my day to day life. It's always there though no matter what. So what is causing the stress. My brothers and sister are out of school for the summer. That is fine that doesn't bother me much or stress me out much.


My uncle is on the run from the law. ~Groans~ Wanting to wave something like that away from your mind doesn't work to easily. Is he dangerous? Depends on who has pissed him off. Have the cops been around looking for him? Yeah and that isn't what bothers me the most. Cops with guns and people with guns freak me out sometimes. Well a lot of the time guns freak me out.

When the cops have to search places they think he may be hiding at that is what makes me stress out. It isn't easy seeing the guns and it's no easier dealing with all the stress of knowing that your family member is running from the law because he's an idiot. I don't know where he is and really I don't care to know. I rather be dumb when it comes to his whereabouts. It keeps me safe that way. So I'm stressed and tired and with stress comes a number of issues. I'm trying to stay calm and breathe in and out. Let's see how long this lasts hopefully it's over and done with soon enough. We'll see.